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The difference is, he does that, and she does not.
Yes, by choice. It also doesn't negate his needing "me time." Both of them should be able to have some without the other person dictating how it's spent or leaving lists of acceptable activities.
Quote:
Originally Posted by StarryEyedSurprise
I assume she also spends plenty of quality time with her son as it is, being with him all day long.
Possibly. As other people have pointed out, children need to learn how to amuse themselves, so the amount of "quality time" really needed is arguable.
Quote:
Originally Posted by StarryEyedSurprise
I do think that in both cases, video games and books should come after the kid's bedtime, but as stated so many times before, kid needs to be in bed before 10:30 at night.
We agree about bedtime. I think children should be taught to entertain themselves so that they do not expect to be amused by adults at all times. If I need a break and want to read or just need some quiet, I will send the kids to another room (or outside) to play by themselves. I don't agree with ignoring or neglecting a child, but sometimes Mom is busy and that's OK.
Yes, by choice. It also doesn't negate his needing "me time." Both of them should be able to have some without the other person dictating how it's spent or leaving lists of acceptable activities.
I agree with you on all points, but I thought this one in particular was one of the major gripes of the OP. Yes, of course both should be able to have free time - but he doesn't allow it for her. She slept in one day on a weekend twice this year (though he sleeps in all other weekends) and he is still hanging it over her head about how gracious he was to allow it. Everything I am reading is pointing to how he is not wanting the responsibility of parenting this child of his, unless it is incredibly passive. I do agree that she shouldn't have to give the guy lists or demands... but is it really so much to want a father to have some sort of meaningful interaction with his son? A son he only sees for a scant two hours a day?
It's hard for me to conceive of how he is behaving. When I worked, my husband and I almost fought over who would get more cuddles from our son. Yes there were days when we were mentally exhausted, but I mean, we were parents, and we missed our kid.
NEOhioBound, can you please take the time to actually read my posts in this thread carefully before posting?
I have no idea where you're getting this stuff from, like that you keep repeating 'he's almost 4' - uh where exactly did I say that? He turned 3 in january. Also, you'll see that I've explained the 'housework' issue over and over and I don't know why you're fixating on it - I've stated repeatedly that a)no I'm not all that overly consumed with housework and that's not what the issue is here at all, the issue is not getting a break from being the sole person responsible for DS's care at all times b) I DO do most of my chores with DS but will leave the ones that are most inconvenient/labour-intensive/potentially dangerous for when DH is here, not least because, c) as I've also already said before, the time he gives me in the evening is not unconditional for me to do what I want, he'll only do it so I can get something done or do gym (btw the gym is in our complex so there's no childcare to go during the day), if I wanted to use that hour to go lie around with a book he'd balk at that. He'll spend the time staying with him while I'm gone, the actual PLAY will be 10-20 minutes, the rest will be lying on the couch browsing the web while DS plays. But whatever. Again, if you read carefully, I've said that it's not the weekdays that concern me so much as the fact that he won't agree on setting a scheduled time for weekends where he would spend time with DS for a couple hours while I get a break.
This thread is all over the place. It seems very clear that what you need is some time where you are not responsible for the care of a 3 yr old. Everyone needs some time when they can relax without the needs of another coming up, even if the child is playing on his own while she does housework, she is still RESPONSIBLE for making sure he's safe, and handling anything he needs. The ONLY way to get a real break from that is for someone else to take over responsibility for the child. She is asking for a few hours of this on the weekend, that is not too much to ask!
OP, it sounds like in your household you are expected to be available to care for, and deal with any requests, or needs of a 3 yr. old from 7am-9-10pm. When your husband "allows" you any real break from sole responsibility, there are conditions, you have to be doing household duties, or going to the gym, probably because an in shape wife is a benefit for him as well. And these "breaks" can't be too long, an hour or so. He will give his son a bath, but you must be standing by for any needs of the child's that come up.
I've never met a parent who doesn't need breaks from being the sole caregiver to another human being. Haven't any of you moms ever just felt overwhelmed with sole caregiving, and just handed you child to your partner or family member, and said "please help, I just need some time to myself?" She can't do that without him whining, becoming cruel, and calling her names. Her life sounds emotional exhausting.
He has a 40 hour per week job at a company known for employee well being, all of his off time from that 40 hours is do as he pleases, about 6-7 hours of free time each evening, plus the entire weekend, any child care is ONLY what HE agrees to, and choses to do (which doesn't seem to be much), and she must always be there to help. Most of his after work time is spent on video games, reading alone, etc.. The only time she ever has to completely relax without child care is while her son is asleep, which is what? maybe a couple of exhausted hours while getting ready to go to sleep, anything else she has to ask for, justify and then risk being berated about. He's also whining about her not initiating sex during that time before she goes to sleep, he wants her to serve his needs during her only true free time.
NEOhioBound, can you please take the time to actually read my posts in this thread carefully before posting?
I have no idea where you're getting this stuff from, like that you keep repeating 'he's almost 4' - uh where exactly did I say that? He turned 3 in january. Also, you'll see that I've explained the 'housework' issue over and over and I don't know why you're fixating on it - I've stated repeatedly that a)no I'm not all that overly consumed with housework and that's not what the issue is here at all, the issue is not getting a break from being the sole person responsible for DS's care at all times b) I DO do most of my chores with DS but will leave the ones that are most inconvenient/labour-intensive/potentially dangerous for when DH is here, not least because, c) as I've also already said before, the time he gives me in the evening is not unconditional for me to do what I want, he'll only do it so I can get something done or do gym (btw the gym is in our complex so there's no childcare to go during the day), if I wanted to use that hour to go lie around with a book he'd balk at that. He'll spend the time staying with him while I'm gone, the actual PLAY will be 10-20 minutes, the rest will be lying on the couch browsing the web while DS plays. But whatever. Again, if you read carefully, I've said that it's not the weekdays that concern me so much as the fact that he won't agree on setting a scheduled time for weekends where he would spend time with DS for a couple hours while I get a break.
Almost 3.. my bad Whatever, you sure are no saint, lady
Be a woman, when the three are you are home and you want to leave, LEAVE! Why do you need to ask him for permission to leave, to watch yours and his own child?! I really think you are making this harder than it seems. Why does some schedule need to be made for every weekend. Sometimes pre-planning isn't easy, but if a Saturday rolls around and you three are home, turn to him and say "Well, I will see you in a few hours" and walk out the door.
She never said that. She wants to be able to cook dinner and maybe do some other errands while he spends quality time with his kid.
I will say, why is everyone suggesting she make her food earlier in the day? I mean, sure, I crock pot stuff sometimes, but fresh food is usually made right before dinner is served. My husband plays with the kids while I cook, or sometimes we switch.
I guess the difference is, my husband values the time he spends with the kids - he relaxes after they go to sleep, as do I. I would be heartbroken if I got the impression from my husband that the kids were more of a nuisance in the way of him playing video games. We actually both enjoy video games... after the kids are in bed.
I don't understand the problem. "Hey, babe- I have the sauce on low but I'm going to need you to stir it every 10 minutes or so, so it doesn't burn while I go out for a few things, k?"
Rather than make a big hairy deal out of it, just do it. The man provides a GOOD living for his family- I'm sure he's aware that he has to look after his child when his wife is gone.
You're going to end up with a very high-maintenance kid, if his parents are spending all of their free time with him. I've had my share of sharpie wall art and blocks stuck together with peanut butter and miscellaneous crises. Half the time, I end up choking down laughter because whatever was done was clever... it's a funny story to share with DH when he comes home. And often, it's an explanation of why the ball was dropped for something else. When the kids were jumping on their beds near the windows, I had them all go outside and watch me drop a watermelon onto the patio below that window. They saw what happens to people's heads, when they fall onto concrete. It was serious and funny and delicious, all at once. They've not been rough near windows since.
It's all just LIFE, EC. Get on with it!
Last edited by proulxfamily; 03-18-2013 at 03:12 PM..
NEOhioBound, can you please take the time to actually read my posts in this thread carefully before posting?
I have no idea where you're getting this stuff from, like that you keep repeating 'he's almost 4' - uh where exactly did I say that? He turned 3 in january. Also, you'll see that I've explained the 'housework' issue over and over and I don't know why you're fixating on it - I've stated repeatedly that a)no I'm not all that overly consumed with housework and that's not what the issue is here at all, the issue is not getting a break from being the sole person responsible for DS's care at all times b) I DO do most of my chores with DS but will leave the ones that are most inconvenient/labour-intensive/potentially dangerous for when DH is here, not least because, c) as I've also already said before, the time he gives me in the evening is not unconditional for me to do what I want, he'll only do it so I can get something done or do gym (btw the gym is in our complex so there's no childcare to go during the day), if I wanted to use that hour to go lie around with a book he'd balk at that. He'll spend the time staying with him while I'm gone, the actual PLAY will be 10-20 minutes, the rest will be lying on the couch browsing the web while DS plays. But whatever. Again, if you read carefully, I've said that it's not the weekdays that concern me so much as the fact that he won't agree on setting a scheduled time for weekends where he would spend time with DS for a couple hours while I get a break.
Have you considered putting him in preschool? That would give you regularly scheduled breaks so do what you want. Seriously, I'd go nuts home with a 4 yo all day. You are trying to force your dh to spell you when you should be taking care of this yourself.
Have you considered putting him in preschool? That would give you regularly scheduled breaks so do what you want. Seriously, I'd go nuts home with a 4 yo all day. You are trying to force your dh to spell you when you should be taking care of this yourself.
Reading comprehension, again, Ivory. The child turned THREE just two months ago. Sigh.
Have you considered putting him in preschool? That would give you regularly scheduled breaks so do what you want. Seriously, I'd go nuts home with a 4 yo all day. You are trying to force your dh to spell you when you should be taking care of this yourself.
He's 3, not 4. We're doing a parent participation preschool this year to ease him into it, and I just enrolled him into part-time drop off preschool starting in the fall - so yea, that'll give me a couple of hours three days a week to myself and I'm very much looking forward to it, lol! Gonna be costing just under $600 a mo because the prices in this area are friggin' insane, but it's a really great preschool and he needs it to get ready for K anyway, so I think it's well worth it.
This thread is all over the place. It seems very clear that what you need is some time where you are not responsible for the care of a 3 yr old. Everyone needs some time when they can relax without the needs of another coming up, even if the child is playing on his own while she does housework, she is still RESPONSIBLE for making sure he's safe, and handling anything he needs. The ONLY way to get a real break from that is for someone else to take over responsibility for the child. She is asking for a few hours of this on the weekend, that is not too much to ask!
OP, it sounds like in your household you are expected to be available to care for, and deal with any requests, or needs of a 3 yr. old from 7am-9-10pm. When your husband "allows" you any real break from sole responsibility, there are conditions, you have to be doing household duties, or going to the gym, probably because an in shape wife is a benefit for him as well. And these "breaks" can't be too long, an hour or so. He will give his son a bath, but you must be standing by for any needs of the child's that come up.
I've never met a parent who doesn't need breaks from being the sole caregiver to another human being. Haven't any of you moms ever just felt overwhelmed with sole caregiving, and just handed you child to your partner or family member, and said "please help, I just need some time to myself?" She can't do that without him whining, becoming cruel, and calling her names. Her life sounds emotional exhausting.
He has a 40 hour per week job at a company known for employee well being, all of his off time from that 40 hours is do as he pleases, about 6-7 hours of free time each evening, plus the entire weekend, any child care is ONLY what HE agrees to, and choses to do (which doesn't seem to be much), and she must always be there to help. Most of his after work time is spent on video games, reading alone, etc.. The only time she ever has to completely relax without child care is while her son is asleep, which is what? maybe a couple of exhausted hours while getting ready to go to sleep, anything else she has to ask for, justify and then risk being berated about. He's also whining about her not initiating sex during that time before she goes to sleep, he wants her to serve his needs during her only true free time.
^Yes, all of this!! Especially the bolded.
Like I said, it's not even about the amount of hours he spends with him, or when I cook or do the cleaning, that has nothing to do with it! It's the knowledge that I have someone there to fall back on, the unconditional support like I had in my family, where if I really just feel like I need a break, I can have it, and not have it be something that I need to grovel for and that's gonna be held over my head for months to come. Just that kind of 'no questions asked' attitude, because I do feel that I am being fair in not asking too much of his time at all, so when I do I don't understand why he can't just do it (especially since he doesn't get to spend that much time with DS as it is) without giving me such a hard time over it!
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Whatever, you sure are no saint, lady
