SAHM families - am I really expecting too much?? (out of control, kindergarten, suggestions)
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I could be wrong, but I get the sense that there is some fear for DH with being responsible for childcare, as though he's afraid he'll do it wrong, or DS will get hurt somehow, and maybe this fear is taking away the enjoyment of his child, or maybe why he's only seeing DS as work, so he's avoiding dealing with it by whining so you'll do it, or stay close by. The only cure for fear is experience, he just has to do it, and learn where the cereal is, learn how to handle a tantrum, all the stuff that scares every parent, as he keeps doing it, I think he will start to see that there is real enjoyment in caring for a child, and that he can handle anything DS dishes out, and that DS will love him no matter what he does "wrong."
Maybe he just doesn't realize that with caring for a child, the more you do it, the more enjoyable it becomes. Children are always a combo of work and fun, annoyance and joy, but once you develop a level of comfort with childcare the joy happens a lot more often, I'm not sure he has developed that comfort.
I could be way off base here, it's just something I've picked up in some of your posts and thought I'd share.
This is definitely part of it, and it used to be a lot more prominent when he was still an infant especially, DH had even admitted that he's afraid, that he's so fragile, etc. I told him, I'm afraid too, you just learn to deal with it, lol! And yes, I did tell him exactly that, that he needs to learn and the more he does it the more comfortable he'll be. Now that DS is older it seems to not be as much of an issue anymore; it's more so that DH wants to be able to relax and not be responsible for DS one-on-one (which i can understand), and obviously when I'm gone he can't just chill and do what HE wants and turn to me whenever he has a question. It's just EASIER for him not to have to do it, and like I said, I can understand it - it's just that I want to have breaks of time where I get to not do it either because I already do it all day every day.
I'll admit right up front I did not read thru all 49 pages, but from page 1 posts I sense that you two are far more focused on "your rights" than that of your child or each other.
I suggest SERIOUS counselling if you intend to remain a family unit, because your focus is ALL WRONG to MAKE IT HAPPEN NATURALLY!!!!
Not my job, I deserve, I need, He won't, He doesn't...all the types of things that tell me that self focus is the main issue here and NOT family unit or child's needs.
We are ALL human, and ALL need help in some aspect of our lives and dealing with the "hand that is delt" us or "where we have been placed and trying to understand and work thru"....but it sounds like professional help is seriously needed if this "family" is to remain in tact in a healthy manner.
JMHO
This is definitely part of it, and it used to be a lot more prominent when he was still an infant especially, DH had even admitted that he's afraid, that he's so fragile, etc. I told him, I'm afraid too, you just learn to deal with it, lol! And yes, I did tell him exactly that, that he needs to learn and the more he does it the more comfortable he'll be. Now that DS is older it seems to not be as much of an issue anymore; it's more so that DH wants to be able to relax and not be responsible for DS one-on-one (which i can understand), and obviously when I'm gone he can't just chill and do what HE wants and turn to me whenever he has a question. It's just EASIER for him not to have to do it, and like I said, I can understand it - it's just that I want to have breaks of time where I get to not do it either because I already do it all day every day.
He may not be so afraid of physically hurting him, but there could still be a good deal of emotional fear in being with DS. Most of the fathers I know no matter how much they work they still WANT to spend to spend time with their children, they want the love the child gives, there's nothing like your kids running to you like you hung the moon, but he has to put something in to get that out. It's hard for me to believe that it's just laziness, unless there is a true gaming addiction or something.
Of course you need breaks, being responsible for another human being is exhausting when it's non stop, you are doing all day long every single day, and much of the evening, that's too much for most people, you're not a robot. Dad shouldn't be exhausted after a few minutes though. I could understand if he has a very demanding job, and needs a chill time after work, but even then before bedtime and on weekends he should be able to put in some real time with his son, his son needs time with him, and to not feel like he's just a burden, or chore to his own father.
EvilCookie, I am so glad you have taken some good away from this thread. Yes, even though there have been some hard-to-hear opinions, taking it all in and sorting through it, will help you immensely. Remember...people will huff, whine and pout, when they're asked to do something that was not THEIR idea! If, on his way home, hubby had his evening planned out and you change that plan, he's going to grumble his disappointment. Put on your fabulous "attitude ignore" gear. You might as well get used to wearing it, because as your child gets older, believe me, you're going to want to keep in within arms reach! LOL
If it makes it easier for hubby, let him know....when he's getting ready for work, "I'll have dinner ready when you get home honey, but I've got some things to do this evening, so it'll just be you and junior for a couple of hours. Perhaps that will get him into the mindset.
You DO need some "me" time. As some of us have shared with you, that me time can still be productive time. The nice thing about using it productively, is that there's absolutely no guilt and no ammunition for a grumpy spouse to use against you later. Hey, my alone shopping also allowed me to actually VISIT with people I ran into at the store, maybe people I hadn't seen for quite some time. When you have a little one in the shopping cart, they get pretty darned antsy when you run into someone you're chatting with!! Personally, like I said, it was more about the ME time, than it ever was the "needing to buy something" time.
Honestly, just typing this out, causes me to have flashbacks of me driving down the road....empty car...knowing that it was going to take me 25 min ALONE, just to get to where the big stores were. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......25 min, no people....nothing. Get to the store, open the door and ONLY have to let yourself out of the car...stroll leisurely to the store, no rush to get it done. Ah, tingly feeling. Hahaha....The most important thing though, is to NOT worry about what's going on at home, to NOT worry about whether hubby's handling things, whether he's grumpy, whether the child is being terrible and hubby's cussing you. LOL Pretend, in your blissful, non-stressed, fantasy world, that everything is going perfectly.
Oh, another little tip? Get hubby a treat that he absolutely LOVES, while you're out. That way, HE is looking forward to your shopping trips. Not only will it show him that you were thinking about him while you were out, but you're also rewarding him for being a good sport. He's getting a double treat here. You're coming home a relaxed wife/mom who's in good spirits and he's getting a treat! LOL
Evilcookie, I realize you didn't ask for compassion, but this sahm had it for you... wherever you are in the world. While I didn't completely understand all of your issues, I chose to focus on the positive instead of negate your feelings like so many other posters. I wish you and your family well.
Evilcookie, I realize you didn't ask for compassion, but this sahm had it for you... wherever you are in the world. While I didn't completely understand all of your issues, I chose to focus on the positive instead of negate your feelings like so many other posters. I wish you and your family well.
Yes, but let's not forget....even those negative responses serve a purpose. Sometimes, when you're in the thick of it and you're frustrated and depressed, you can find yourself wallowing in self-pity and blowing things out of proportion. Been there, done that. Sometimes, those negative comments are coming from people who have been in the pity pot. Once the crisis is over, they realize just how insignificant and "solve-able" that situation really was.
When people give me their opinions, I tend to be grateful for all. It's important to take them all in, file them away, and take away something from just about everyone. Okay, so some people are just mean, but mostly, they're trying to be helpful!
ehm, okay, I think it's time to wrap this thread up because people are just taking it off in all kinds of wrong directions now.
1) nowhere did I state that MY son whines for hours on end - if you reread my post, that was a general statement to the poster who claimed that taking care of kids is fun all day long. And I most definitely did not ask for advice on how to parent him - not sure where that came from. I'm not sure what it even has to do with the thread. As I've mentioned over and over again, I enjoy being a sahm and I enjoy being with my son. HOWEVER, I do think it's not unreasonable to expect to have a set, short period of time once a week or so when my husband spends time with our son on his own while I get to just be on my own. I'm an introvert, and believe it or not I even need a break from DH once in a while - not because I don't love him but because that's just the type of person I am. I need to have a bit of time where I can go and wander around somewhere alone, or sit and read or whatever, without being talked to, asked for things, etc.
This is all. Nowhere did I cry 'poor me' or ask for 'compassion' - this is just silly. The thread was not supposed to be a pity party, I was not complaining that my life is horrible, and it was not intended as a 'please fix everything that is wrong with me, my marriage, and my parenting' fest.
My original question in this thread was quite simple: am I expecting too much? Is it unreasonable to ask that of DH without him giving me attitude about it? I just wanted to know how other sahm families do it, because with his attitude I really started wondering whether I'm asking for too much or being unreasonable. So I wanted to hear opinions, from both sides, and perhaps some advice on how others have dealt with similar issues or situations. I've gotten a lot of advice, though I guess it was naive to expect that the majority of answers would veer to one side, as always opinions are split Thanks to everyone who replied, both the nice and not-so-nice responses because maybe I needed those too
I almost never suggest counseling but I am beginning to agree with those who are suggesting it.
You say that you just need an occassional break but you object to the suggestion of a babysitter. A babysitter could give you a break.
It seems to be more about a power struggle. It might be the way the two of you are not communicating, maybe don't know how to communicate. He may feel that you're nagging and he's putting up a resistance.
I suspect you resent him for taking you away from your family because you weren't ready to leave them. It was okay back when the family was babysitting but now it's not even though you could find a local babysitter to do what your family did -- and that was give you a break now and then.
How you phrase things, how you present it might be the whole problem. A different way of asking might solve the whole problem but sometimes you're limited in how much you can change someone who doesn't want to be changed. Try changing the way you ask him -- I like Beachmel's suggestions on what to say -- or get a babysitter. That can depend on what your real goal is, if it's just to have an occassional break then either way but if it's to make your husband do what you want him to do, that's another issues and involves how you and he communicate and are together.
You've never had to discipline your kids, they never ever misbehaved or threw a tantrum or did something they weren't supposed to or whined for hours on end or got hurt or sick?
Yes I disciplined my kids but that doesn't mean I ever got mad at a 3 year old. Mine really didn't throw tantrums because if they did, I would grab the camcorder and play it back for them to show them how funny they were but they never liked how they looked and that ended the tantrum throwing. For some reason when you play back the tantrum scene, you can't help but laugh at their expressions while watching themselves throwing a fit. Their little faces will be serious and curious but they don't like seeing themselves acting like that.
None of mine whined for hours on end. When a kid gets whiney, I think it's from the stress of being cooped up indoors and we head for the outdoors. Whining would get on my nerves very quickly - so it's time for a long walk at that point, get out into some fresh air, head to a play ground or some nature hikes, find some goats or cows for them to pet. Whining I think indicates boredom more than anything. Resolve the boredom and they stop whining. I was lucky because mine weren't whiney much at all.
Honestly, just typing this out, causes me to have flashbacks of me driving down the road....empty car...knowing that it was going to take me 25 min ALONE, just to get to where the big stores were. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......25 min, no people....nothing. Get to the store, open the door and ONLY have to let yourself out of the car...stroll leisurely to the store, no rush to get it done. Ah, tingly feeling. Hahaha....The most important thing though, is to NOT worry about what's going on at home, to NOT worry about whether hubby's handling things, whether he's grumpy, whether the child is being terrible and hubby's cussing you. LOL Pretend, in your blissful, non-stressed, fantasy world, that everything is going perfectly.
LOL yes, that is exactly it, and this is what I don't have enough of, just being on my own for a little bit. Somehow some people on here have interpreted that to mean that I hate spending time with my kid or that I shouldn't be a sahm. Just because you want a break from something doesn't mean you don't enjoy it, and just because you enjoy doing something, doesn't mean you don't sometimes need a break!
DH and I are actually similar in that way that we're both introverts and we both like our downtime. Before having DS, or when we had family to babysit, we would often go to a coffeeshop and spend a couple of hours just sitting around, me with a book, him with an ipad or laptop, and we'd just sit without even talking much but it'd be nice. This is something we can't both do when DS is with us, and even if we want to sit in relative quiet for 15-20 mins while he plays with some electronic toy, I can't help but feel guilty that we're not spending the time interacting with him instead. We could get a sitter if we really wanted to, but then paying $30-$50 just so we can go and grab a cup of coffee just kind of bites and seems kind of silly. So I'd be fine with splitting that time up instead and each giving the other the bit of time to go out and decompress on our own; but DH would just rather have us both be home then, because then he knows he can do whatever he wants and that I'll be taking care of DS's needs the whole time..
LOL yes, that is exactly it, and this is what I don't have enough of, just being on my own for a little bit. Somehow some people on here have interpreted that to mean that I hate spending time with my kid or that I shouldn't be a sahm. Just because you want a break from something doesn't mean you don't enjoy it, and just because you enjoy doing something, doesn't mean you don't sometimes need a break!
DH and I are actually similar in that way that we're both introverts and we both like our downtime. Before having DS, or when we had family to babysit, we would often go to a coffeeshop and spend a couple of hours just sitting around, me with a book, him with an ipad or laptop, and we'd just sit without even talking much but it'd be nice. This is something we can't both do when DS is with us, and even if we want to sit in relative quiet for 15-20 mins while he plays with some electronic toy, I can't help but feel guilty that we're not spending the time interacting with him instead. We could get a sitter if we really wanted to, but then paying $30-$50 just so we can go and grab a cup of coffee just kind of bites and seems kind of silly. So I'd be fine with splitting that time up instead and each giving the other the bit of time to go out and decompress on our own; but DH would just rather have us both be home then, because then he knows he can do whatever he wants and that I'll be taking care of DS's needs the whole time..
Ahhh it sounds to me like hubby doesn't have the same case of cabin fever that you do. Hey, I remember those feelings. Honestly though, you simply have to be assertive. You're the one who is "stuck" inside those four walls, and that can get pretty darned boring after awhile. This is such a tough time of year, too. I don't know where you're located, but unless you're in the south, it's not as if you can just take off to the park, without dressing like an eskimo, right now.
The thing of it is, from your husband's perspective, HE has been out of the house all week long. I'm sure that he's longing for the safety of his "nest" after working all day/week, surrounded by his brood. Also, from his perspective, he probably feels like he's been "taking care of you & junior" all week. Because he's not the one who takes care of junior (physically) all week, he really has no idea what that entails. Yes, even though you love someone dearly, even if you CHOSE to be that SAHP, it doesn't mean that sometimes you don't long for some alone, me time! The thing of it is...empathy is key in this situation.
If you haven't walked in the other person's shoes, it's not an easy thing to do...put yourself IN them, especially when you're talking "stay at home vs working" parent. I do hear you about the babysitting cost though...egads, yes.... add that to the cost of the actual "date" and it's a pricey outing! For now, you're just going to have to setting with a little bit of me time. If that means making up a "home picnic" lunch for hubby and junior, while you take a couple of hours for yourself on Saturday or Sunday, so be it.
Yes, that might mean that you're having to do more work, but think of the excitement you'll feel, while you're preparing that meal. Leave him a note on the fridge, for any important stuff and give yourself permission to have a couple (or few) hours of down time. You need it. Make it happen, but don't make him feel like it's a punishment. Again, pick him/them up something special while you're out. Trust me, LOL, it's a win/win situation here.
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And yes, I did tell him exactly that, that he needs to learn and the more he does it the more comfortable he'll be. Now that DS is older it seems to not be as much of an issue anymore; it's more so that DH wants to be able to relax and not be responsible for DS one-on-one (which i can understand), and obviously when I'm gone he can't just chill and do what HE wants and turn to me whenever he has a question. It's just EASIER for him not to have to do it, and like I said, I can understand it - it's just that I want to have breaks of time where I get to not do it either because I already do it all day every day.
He's getting a double treat here. You're coming home a relaxed wife/mom who's in good spirits and he's getting a treat! LOL 
Thanks to everyone who replied, both the nice and not-so-nice responses because maybe I needed those too 
Hey, I remember those feelings. Honestly though, you simply have to be assertive. You're the one who is "stuck" inside those four walls, and that can get pretty darned boring after awhile. This is such a tough time of year, too. I don't know where you're located, but unless you're in the south, it's not as if you can just take off to the park, without dressing like an eskimo, right now.
