SAHM families - am I really expecting too much?? (schedule, normal, breakfast)
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"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." - Gloria Steinem
Just some food for thought.
Marriage is one thing, and marriage with children is another. One is not required in the other. But yes, if women don't have children, I don't hear much concern about combining that with career.
My own working-class mentality is that adults work, unless they are home taking care of dependents. Most people have jobs, not Careers. I honestly think feminism erred big-time in posing the question that way. There is nothing more feminist than a buck in your pocket, and knowing that you can earn same.
Sadly, I get the impression that EvilCookie needs to get her child under control, before she can pawn him off on a babysitter, or leave him at a preschool. Nobody wants to deal with an out of control kid, not even daddy. Once you curb his whining and bossiness, life will be much easier.
LOL yes, that is exactly it, and this is what I don't have enough of, just being on my own for a little bit. Somehow some people on here have interpreted that to mean that I hate spending time with my kid or that I shouldn't be a sahm. Just because you want a break from something doesn't mean you don't enjoy it, and just because you enjoy doing something, doesn't mean you don't sometimes need a break!
DH and I are actually similar in that way that we're both introverts and we both like our downtime. Before having DS, or when we had family to babysit, we would often go to a coffeeshop and spend a couple of hours just sitting around, me with a book, him with an ipad or laptop, and we'd just sit without even talking much but it'd be nice. This is something we can't both do when DS is with us, and even if we want to sit in relative quiet for 15-20 mins while he plays with some electronic toy, I can't help but feel guilty that we're not spending the time interacting with him instead. We could get a sitter if we really wanted to, but then paying $30-$50 just so we can go and grab a cup of coffee just kind of bites and seems kind of silly. So I'd be fine with splitting that time up instead and each giving the other the bit of time to go out and decompress on our own; but DH would just rather have us both be home then, because then he knows he can do whatever he wants and that I'll be taking care of DS's needs the whole time..
If you can reasonably afford it, at least once in awhile, I don't think it's silly at all for you to spend that money so you and your husband can have some time together doing what you used to, it's cheaper than therapy. It seems like your husband is also missing you, and some time together just being how you used to be might make him happier overall, and less likely to resent those times when you leave, and he has sole responsibility for DS.
During all this, especially those moments when you want to rip your hair out, try to remember that it's temporary, DS will be in school before you know it. I know you have mentioned more kids, I hope you are able to work these issues out with dad before that happens, if you don't, I fear it will end up driving you two further apart.
I also hope you can find a way to stop feeling guilty about things, moms always do that to themselves, but you're not superwoman, and you don't have to be to raise a great child, moms are human too. You have to put your oxygen mask on first to be the best for your child.
LOL yes, that is exactly it, and this is what I don't have enough of, just being on my own for a little bit. Somehow some people on here have interpreted that to mean that I hate spending time with my kid or that I shouldn't be a sahm. Just because you want a break from something doesn't mean you don't enjoy it, and just because you enjoy doing something, doesn't mean you don't sometimes need a break!
DH and I are actually similar in that way that we're both introverts and we both like our downtime. Before having DS, or when we had family to babysit, we would often go to a coffeeshop and spend a couple of hours just sitting around, me with a book, him with an ipad or laptop, and we'd just sit without even talking much but it'd be nice. This is something we can't both do when DS is with us, and even if we want to sit in relative quiet for 15-20 mins while he plays with some electronic toy, I can't help but feel guilty that we're not spending the time interacting with him instead. We could get a sitter if we really wanted to, but then paying $30-$50 just so we can go and grab a cup of coffee just kind of bites and seems kind of silly. So I'd be fine with splitting that time up instead and each giving the other the bit of time to go out and decompress on our own; but DH would just rather have us both be home then, because then he knows he can do whatever he wants and that I'll be taking care of DS's needs the whole time..
If I were your husband, this would drive me crazy. You feel guilty for expecting your 3 yr old to entertain himself for 15-20 minutes? If this doesn't change, he's going to be a handful when he hits preschool/kindergarten.
If I were your husband, this would drive me crazy. You feel guilty for expecting your 3 yr old to entertain himself for 15-20 minutes? If this doesn't change, he's going to be a handful when he hits preschool/kindergarten.
I think the OP is going through "firstchild/newmom-o-ritis". Over time and another kid, I realized that I didn't need to be Mrs Entertainment all of the time. I didn't need to be at the child's beckoned call. There was nothing wrong with spending quality time with my spouse.
You're going through a rough patch, but being a first time parent isn't easy. Hang in there, and take whatever good advice you felt you've received and see if it helps.
If you can reasonably afford it, at least once in awhile, I don't think it's silly at all for you to spend that money so you and your husband can have some time together doing what you used to, it's cheaper than therapy. It seems like your husband is also missing you, and some time together just being how you used to be might make him happier overall, and less likely to resent those times when you leave, and he has sole responsibility for DS.
During all this, especially those moments when you want to rip your hair out, try to remember that it's temporary, DS will be in school before you know it. I know you have mentioned more kids, I hope you are able to work these issues out with dad before that happens, if you don't, I fear it will end up driving you two further apart.
I also hope you can find a way to stop feeling guilty about things, moms always do that to themselves, but you're not superwoman, and you don't have to be to raise a great child, moms are human too. You have to put your oxygen mask on first to be the best for your child.
She would be crazy to spend money on a babysitter if her husband is going to play on an electronic device and she is going to read, while they sit in a coffee shop. She needs to tell her husband to put away his toys, and stop ignoring her.
She would be crazy to spend money on a babysitter if her husband is going to play on an electronic device and she is going to read, while they sit in a coffee shop. She needs to tell her husband to put away his toys, and stop ignoring her.
If it's something they both enjoy I don't think it's crazy at all. She said they are both introverts, and enjoy just being together, I understand that.
LOL yes, that is exactly it, and this is what I don't have enough of, just being on my own for a little bit. Somehow some people on here have interpreted that to mean that I hate spending time with my kid or that I shouldn't be a sahm. Just because you want a break from something doesn't mean you don't enjoy it, and just because you enjoy doing something, doesn't mean you don't sometimes need a break!
DH and I are actually similar in that way that we're both introverts and we both like our downtime. Before having DS, or when we had family to babysit, we would often go to a coffeeshop and spend a couple of hours just sitting around, me with a book, him with an ipad or laptop, and we'd just sit without even talking much but it'd be nice. This is something we can't both do when DS is with us, and even if we want to sit in relative quiet for 15-20 mins while he plays with some electronic toy, I can't help but feel guilty that we're not spending the time interacting with him instead. We could get a sitter if we really wanted to, but then paying $30-$50 just so we can go and grab a cup of coffee just kind of bites and seems kind of silly. So I'd be fine with splitting that time up instead and each giving the other the bit of time to go out and decompress on our own; but DH would just rather have us both be home then, because then he knows he can do whatever he wants and that I'll be taking care of DS's needs the whole time..
even if we want to sit in relative quiet for 15-20 mins while he plays with some electronic toy,
This is a huge problem, right here. Okay, well...perhaps electronic toys are not always the best option, but the playing by himself, that is FABULOUS! Where is this guilt coming from? One of the most important things we can teach our children, even at such a young age, is how to entertain themselves. In the nicest way possible, I'm going to say this....."Get out of your child's face!"
You need to back off a bit and start letting the little guy do on his own, or you could both wind up being prisoners of a manipulative tyrant. If you start giving your son some space, he will likely reciprocate by giving you and hubby some space.
True story, coming at you. I was the main SAHP for many years. I took care of my children's NEEDS and did play with them some, but was always accomplishing things. I would get my children going on an activity, give them suggestions throughout the day, if they became bored, but otherwise, we just did our own thing. Hubby was a little more....how do I say this?...umm, emotionally needy (?) with the kids. He felt like he always had to be entertaining them. This created a big problem.
He created an emotional dependence in the little ones. Seriously, they acted like BABIES, when he had to watch them. They would get into everything, do everything they weren't supposed to and he would get "stuck" not being able to get anything done. This was all because he thought that he had to entertain them all of the time. The stories he would tell me, about the things they'd do when they were home alone with them just made my jaw drop.
My kids knew what they could and couldn't do. They knew they were to play and entertain themselves, or I would give them something to do. They didn't rely on me for hardly anything. The difference between my kids, when he was watching them vs when I was watching them, was like night and day!
There is no room for guilt, when it comes to teaching your child independence. Also, just because you have a child now, it doesn't mean that you and hubby aren't still the same sweethearts that you were before your child came along. Things are different, yes....but you need to find some middle ground, one where the little one isn't always the center of attention. It's hard and takes some practice, but I think you really want this. You just have to come up with a plan and stick to it.
I don't normally think that's a great thing, but if you don't have the kind of relationship in which your partner just says, "Oh, XYZ is dirty/broken/misplaced, let me clean/fix/put away" in a timely fashion on their own accord (and if you don't have that kind of partner, I weep for you), then you gotsta get written down lists and accountability.
No one can run from the chore wheel.
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Okay, well...perhaps electronic toys are not always the best option, but the playing by himself, that is FABULOUS! Where is this guilt coming from? One of the most important things we can teach our children, even at such a young age, is how to entertain themselves. In the nicest way possible, I'm going to say this....."Get out of your child's face!" 
