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I had my first child when I was 21 yrs old. In retrospect, I knew nothing about babies and children. He slept through the night very early. It was easy to put him down and he took naps regularly. I knew he was an easy baby and toddler. No visits to the ER, no colic, no problems whatsoever.
Here's the other side of the coin. Yes, he is very easy-going. But he is the least motivated person I ever met. He's 21 now and has no interest in anything but surfing the internet.
So, hang in there with your active, restless kids. It will probably pay off big time in the future.
Whow, stop there! Your kids nap for 3 hours, AND then go to bed at 7:30, just 2.5 hrs after they wake up?? AND then sleep almost 12 hrs till 7? I mean I get the one year old, but the almost-3 year old?
There's just no way that my son would go to sleep that early. He needs at least 5 hrs or so from waking up from nap to bedtime, and he's taken to sleeping no more than 10 hrs at night. So if he skips his nap, he's cranky by 6 and in bed by 7:30-8 and then up at 6 am - which is absolute death for me. So usually he'll nap from about 2 to 4, and then we'll get him in bed by 9, but if he's not tired enough he often won't fall asleep till 10...
It sounds to me like you are at the transition point when your son may no longer need a nap. 7:30pm-8pm is a perfect bedtime for a three-year-old. The 6am wake up time being "absolute death" for you is just utterly ridiculous. I am not a morning person either, but sometimes you have to be a grownup and do things you don't want to do.
I have talked to many parents who have had problems with their kids waking up at 4:30am or 5:00am. 6:00am is a decent time and once he adjusts to his new schedule, you may get to the point when he sleeps to 6:30am or even 7:00am, which are pretty darn normal wake up times.
As for him being difficult, one of my kids was like that, and these stubborn tendencies are unlikely to disappear. Therefore, you have to learn to live with them and stick to your rules and expectations for the sake of the entire family. If you say you like to reason with your son, then you can tell him that you won't sit with him until 10pm because it's not healthy for young children to stay up that late, and everyone in the family needs their rest.
He doesn't enjoy it but he doesn't do it just to get his way, he doesn't start off screaming, but he'll start repeating non-stop 'mommy, mommy, come, I want mommy to come, mommy, mommy sit with me, mommy', and he'll go on, non-stop, I swear to god, and he'll get progressively wound up, progress to whining and whimpering, then crying, sobbing, and then full-on meltdown, and then he'll be too psyched up to sleep and it'll take forever to calm him down, and he still won't sleep if I'm not there. We've been there, take my word for it.
He was you wound around his finger like so much string. In my opinion, you need a sort of complete overhaul of your understanding of a child's needs, development and discipline. Please don't freak out and misunderstand me. I am not trying to be mean or derisive. Your son is a screaming brat, and you are responsible. Ouch, that hurt. But what I mean is, you have been acting and reacting to him in a manner that has taught him that the screaming, the escalation of these crying and the like behaviors will eventually get him what he wants.
This is Really, Really, Really good news for you. The solution to any problem is arrived at by arriving at the root cause If the root cause is your reaction to him, then changing behavior can be accomplished by changing your actions and reactions to him. The cause of the tantrum behavior is not his temperament, his intelligence or any supposedly "different" factors in him. But your reactions. Understanding his temperament, his intelligence, his likes and dislikes are all going to be enormous helps to you as you move to plot a new course. But for now, as unpleasant as it is to admit, you need to realize that your actions are driving these undesirable behaviors. Trust me when I tell you that I know how unpleasant it is. When you describe your son, you are actually describing mine at that age.)
So if you are still with me and are not too pissed at me to read further, I want you to think about something else. The desire to change this behavior should not JUST stem from your desire to make things easier on yourself so that you don't need to reach out for help, though there is nothing wrong with that. The goal of changing these behaviors is because it is best for your son. You have about 18 years to teach him everything he needs to know to be successful in the world. So that is 15 left for you. It is time to start teaching him what he needs to be able to do. Like
- Sooth himself. Calm himself down. Not rely on you to calm him.
- Manage his feelings. The more you take on this role, the less he will learn it.
- Solve problems.
The list goes on.
Every time a parent seeks to do something FOR their children, it denies the child the opportunity to practice that skill themselves. This is obvious for things like dressing themselves, feeding themselves, cleaning up their blocks. They need to know that htye are CAPABLE, that they CAN do things that they try to do, even if not the first time. It is less obvious with emotional skills. They need to knwo that they CAN play by themselves. They are capable and competent. They need to know that they CAN calm themselves down.
I am not sure how you best learn or seek new information. When faced with your dillema all those years ago, I read a bunch of books, discarded many of them. I attended local community parenting seminars. What resulted was a complete change in my mindset. By examining my beliefs about what children needed and what my ultimate goal was and comparing them with other people's ideas about the raising of children, I was able to formulate a plan that ultimately changed out household from one in which we were always pulling our hair out to one that was peaceful with all of us working together, including my little boy. The result for him was happier days in which he was doing a whole lot less crying, was happier, played more, explored more, was confident in himself. It was not easy.
So it's sanctimonious to explain how we put in work to get our kids used to a routine? Puh-leese.
Just guessing, but your comment that cleaning up after dinner (including vacuuming two rooms) takes you five minutes and congratulating yourself about curling your hair both sounded on the smug side.
Holy cow. This thread has definitely crossed over into WTF territory. LOL
Quote:
Originally Posted by StarryEyedSurprise
So it's sanctimonious to explain how we put in work to get our kids used to a routine? Puh-leese. My two kids are day and night... and yet they can grasp, even at a year old, what a routine is. If my stubborn, contrary daughter can manage it, any child can.It takes effort. It takes using up some of your "me time" to not go to the gym, but read a book, go to forums and ask questions, and do what you can. I can only speak for my own experiences, and I'm not the one making a thread pleading for help raising a single child with an uncooperative husband.
No, that's not sanctimonious or judgmental AT ALL.
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew
He was you wound around his finger like so much string. In my opinion, you need a sort of complete overhaul of your understanding of a child's needs, development and discipline. Please don't freak out and misunderstand me. I am not trying to be mean or derisive. Your son is a screaming brat, and you are responsible. Ouch, that hurt. But what I mean is, you have been acting and reacting to him in a manner that has taught him that the screaming, the escalation of these crying and the like behaviors will eventually get him what he wants.
You just gave this woman a complete dressing down and basically called her an inept parent, even though all she did was described her son's sleep problems. You've never met him or her in person, there is no discussion of his behavior any other time of day, no detailed accounts of his overall personality and history. This makes sense to you? She said, basically, 3 things: he's kind of intense and he doesn't need a lot of sleep, so he tends to act out at night. But her child is definitively a "screaming brat"?
I'm just saying... all this just seems like overkill, no? Really she just wanted to know if she was right to want her husband to help out more.
He doesn't enjoy it but he doesn't do it just to get his way, he doesn't start off screaming, but he'll start repeating non-stop 'mommy, mommy, come, I want mommy to come, mommy, mommy sit with me, mommy', and he'll go on, non-stop, I swear to god, and he'll get progressively wound up, progress to whining and whimpering, then crying, sobbing, and then full-on meltdown, and then he'll be too psyched up to sleep and it'll take forever to calm him down, and he still won't sleep if I'm not there. We've been there, take my word for it.
Of course he does it to get his way. He tries different tactics, and does what ever works to get your attention. The world won't end if you aren't in the room with him when he goes to sleep . He needs to be told "Good night, go to sleep, we will see you in the morning." Yes, the first few nights will be hell, so start on a Friday when nobody has to get up for work the next day.
At this point you've taught him that if he whines, screams or has a melt down, mommy will reward his bad behavior by giving in to his demands. Don't you see that, no matter what the situation is, you have taught him that his bad behavior gets mommy's attention? Tell him the rules in advice, no whining, no screaming, if he can't follow your rules, ignore him, and don't cave. He will not change his behavior, until you change the way you react to his behavior. It's time to stop allowing a three year rule your life. Now be strong Cookie, and don't crumble.
Of course he does it to get his way. He tries different tactics, and does what ever works to get your attention.
That is not entirely accurate, or really precise. It leaves the impression that kid is somehow devious or willful and needs to be punished into submission. That is not quite right IMO. More likely the child is reacting to the miseducation that his ability to belong in the family and to connect with Mom needs to be
a. constant
b. is expressed and confirmed when she jumps when he says jump.
Every child, indeed every person, has at the least 4 basic needs.
(Yes I realize I took this common idea off of some day care website.)
Also likely at play is the subconscious belief that he is not CAPABLE to play by himself, to soothe himself. He has never been allowed to learn that he is.
Quote:
The world won't end if you aren't in the room with him when he goes to sleep . He needs to be told "Good night, go to sleep, we will see you in the morning." Yes, the first few nights will be hell, so start on a Friday when nobody has to get up for work the next day.
At this point you've taught him that if he whines, screams or has a melt down, mommy will reward his bad behavior by giving in to his demands. Don't you see that, no matter what the situation is, you have taught him that his bad behavior gets mommy's attention? Tell him the rules in advice, no whining, no screaming, if he can't follow your rules, ignore him, and don't cave. He will not change his behavior, until you change the way you react to his behavior. It's time to stop allowing a three year rule your life. Now be strong Cookie, and don't crumble.
And you allowed to by sympathetic to the temporary discomfort that he feels. It looks something like this:
- Explain that he is too big for the tantrums. Explain that you KNOW he can ask properly, speak in normal voices, and understand when Mom cannot or will not comply.
- Explain that you won't respond to any tantrum like behavior.
He will nod and have mostly no real idea what you mean.
The next time there is an episode, you ignore him. You lock yourself in your room if you need to, making sure first that his environment is safe. When the episode ends, you are allowed to say, gee honey I think this change is hard on you. But I KNOW you can do it!
EC, does your son scream and cry at nap time too? I think you should look into why he has so much anxiety at bed time. It could be any number of things, but it doesn't sound normal to me. I think the way you are dealing with it may not be the best way. Google, get a book, ask the doctor, but do something.
After 53 pages i have not once heard you acknowledge that you might need to make some changes. The only one of the 3 you have control over is yourself. The only one you can change is you.
R
I do not get women who stay home and then expect their dh's to come home and do chores. Isn't it enough that he's doing ALL the working for a living? What does he get out of the arrangement if you still expect him to come home and do chores? It seems very unfair to me to expect him to bear 100% of the responsibility for supporting the family and then STILL expect him to come home to chores as if he isn't bearing 100% fo the responsibility of supporting the family. His JOB is supporting the family and making sure he's well rested and whatever it takes to insure he can continue to do that.
This is exactly why young men today are increasingly apprehensive to commit to marriage, unless the woman can bring something "heavy" to the deal, which for today's man is usually:
- being a trophy (very attractive...works well for those with masculinity/ego issues).
- being a co-provider (for most other young men).
The truth that may or may not hurt enough is that men no longer get any deal by entering a marriage structured to be traditional in form (with a SAH wife) yet one that is NOT traditional in substance (the women no longer pumps economically into the household but mainly consumes).
He will have to PROVIDE for an entire family with an increasing appetite for consumption, at a time when the male paycheck is losing in purchase power by the day, all while being asked to "pull his share" in the evening in the domestic area - because the SAHW/M was somehow busy during the day doing "mommy and me" time, and after kids turn 5, a lot lot of just "me time".
Nobody wants to talk about this elephant in the room because it challenges the feminist brainwashing of "women should support other women no matter what".
But the decrease in marriage rates and the reports of young women in the dating/marriage market according to which "men just no longer want to commit" or that "men want the woman to be independent/have a career of their own" ...speak for themselves.
I know for sure I would NOT want to enter an arrangement where I am left with the entire responsibility of keeping alive 4-5 people, and after work I need to start a second shift because my partner did...I don't know what during the day.
My older son has SPD and hasn't been a good sleeper from day 1. He has always awakened for the day between 5 and 6 am. If he isn't awake by 7, I'm checking to see if he's breathing. He's 9 now so we don't get up with him any more but we spent years getting up between 5 and 6 am every.single.day. it didn't kill anyone. And i managed to get him on a sleep schedule and get him to fall asleep on his own early on.
My point is, even some of the more difficult kids can fall asleep on their own.
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And i managed to get him on a sleep schedule and get him to fall asleep on his own early on. 
