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Why does he need a relationship with the dirty dishes and dusty carpet? He's providing for his family. That's enough..
Yeah, whatever. This is where you and I totally part company on being able to discuss this issue.
I don't believe that tripe for one second.
And I pity anyone who is partnered with someone who does.
That's just terrible.
Yeah, whatever. This is where you and I totally part company on being able to discuss this issue.
I don't believe that tripe for one second.
And I pity anyone who is partnered with someone who does.
That's just terrible.
As a guy I agree with you. I don't think a man's only responsibility to the house is a paycheck even if he is the only breadwinner. Relationships with the kids and the wife have to be developed.
Yeah, whatever. This is where you and I totally part company on being able to discuss this issue.
I don't believe that tripe for one second.
And I pity anyone who is partnered with someone who does.
That's just terrible.
Riddle me this. If he gets 100% of the responsibility to support the family, why is it wrong to give her 100% of the chores at home given she is home 100% of the time to do them?
I don't get handing one partner 100% of one responsibility and then balking when someone suggests the other partner should take over something for them. HE has taken over her part of the responsibility to support their children. I think it's fair that SHE take over his part of the chores in return. Well, actually it's not fair since it takes a lot more work to support a family than it does to do the chores for one partner so she's getting the lighter end of the work deal here but, still, doing the chores he would have done if she were a WM is the least she can do.
It's been a while since I've read up on this but the chore break down was 21 hours in a household with a SAHP and 14 hours in households with DWP's. Trading an additional 14 hours of housework for 40 hours off is a pretty good deal. Even if this has changed, there is nowhere near 40 hours of work at home. So even if she does it all, she still has a lot more discretionary time than he does.
I do not get women who stay home and then expect their dh's to come home and do chores. Isn't it enough that he's doing ALL the working for a living? What does he get out of the arrangement if you still expect him to come home and do chores? It seems very unfair to me to expect him to bear 100% of the responsibility for supporting the family and then STILL expect him to come home to chores as if he isn't bearing 100% fo the responsibility of supporting the family. His JOB is supporting the family and making sure he's well rested and whatever it takes to insure he can continue to do that.
As a guy I agree with you. I don't think a man's only responsibility to the house is a paycheck even if he is the only breadwinner. Relationships with the kids and the wife have to be developed.
I never said it was his only responsibility. I think his responsiblity when home IS taking care of himself (this is a must since he is the sole breadwinner) and relationships NOT DISHES. I said I don't think he should come home to chores. I never said he shouldn't spend time with his family. He should. He should also take care of himself, however, so he can continue to support his family. Because he is the sole breadwinner, preserving his ability to earn bread comes first, then family, then himself...the dishes, however, aren't even on the chart. He should have no responsiblity to wash them. He has more important things to do with his time.
What I talked about was her trading her responsibility to support her children, which she has handed off to him, for his portion of the chores around the house so that he has MORE time for family and taking care of himself when he's home. THAT is what I consider fair. Well, she still gets the better end of the deal but, at least, he benefits from the arrangement. I don't think he should come home to chores. I never talked about spending time with family because that's what I'm assuming he does with the time he's not doing chores because she's already done them.
I believe the average dh of a wm does about 7 hours a week of chores. That is what I'm suggesting she should take over in return for him taking over her responsibility to support her children. Giving him those 7 hours is the least she can do.
Riddle me this. If he gets 100% of the responsibility to support the family, why is it wrong to give her 100% of the chores at home given she is home 100% of the time to do them?
I don't get handing one partner 100% of one responsibility and then balking when someone suggests the other partner should take over something for them. HE has taken over her part of the responsibility to support their children. I think it's fair that SHE take over his part of the chores in return. Well, actually it's not fair since it takes a lot more work to support a family than it does to do the chores for one partner so she's getting the lighter end of the work deal here but, still, doing the chores he would have done if she were a WM is the least she can do.
It's been a while since I've read up on this but the chore break down was 21 hours in a household with a SAHP and 14 hours in households with DWP's. Trading an additional 14 hours of housework for 40 hours off is a pretty good deal. Even if this has changed, there is nowhere near 40 hours of work at home. So even if she does it all, she still has a lot more discretionary time than he does.
I do not get women who stay home and then expect their dh's to come home and do chores. Isn't it enough that he's doing ALL the working for a living? What does he get out of the arrangement if you still expect him to come home and do chores? It seems very unfair to me to expect him to bear 100% of the responsibility for supporting the family and then STILL expect him to come home to chores as if he isn't bearing 100% fo the responsibility of supporting the family. His JOB is supporting the family and making sure he's well rested and whatever it takes to insure he can continue to do that.
And heeere we go again.
Parenting one's child is not in the same catagory as scrubbing the floor. Period.
Oh for goodness sake do not have another baby with this man he needs counseling for sure . I think he must have missed a gene that the rest of the dads have , seriously . Please get some family counseling that would be the best thing you could do . good luck .
Divisions of time/chores are one of the main issues that sometimes affect SAHM and their families.
You have to work out something that is fair for both of you.
I was a SAHM for awhile, and can tell you their is no greater joy, happiness or sense of accomplishment.
Yet, it is also on the other hand very difficult, exhausting and sometimes there is just not enough time in the day, and
your own needs and personal time take a backseat (if not a total vacation) for quite awhile.
(But enjoy these times, because they are fleeting and your child will be grown before you know it. And keep in mind that the tiredness, exhaustion, and lack of personal time will take care of themselves in a short matter of time also.)
But everyone does need a bit of time together as a couple, and everyone needs a little personal space and time also. You and your hubby should find a competent babysitter that you trust, and make a date night once a week or so, where you go out together and spend time together as a couple - this will be good for not only you, but your baby also. Because everyone will be happier.) As for your self I think you should
check into a Mothers Day out program, and leave the baby with them, several times a week, while you go to the gym, shop or just have some alone personal time or time with friends.) You can also get together with other SAHM Moms where you arrange a play date, and each week you each take turns as being the one in charge, while the other Moms get the day off.)
Your husband should be spending one on one time with your child (it should be his choice not you making him, and trust me one day he will greatly regrett it if he doesn't - but you want him to do it,
because he wants to and should do it, not because you get to the point you have to nag him to do it.)
As for your husband, saying that you don't work ~ the work you do as a SAHM and Housewife far exceeds any job that I have ever done - when I went back to work after my stint as a SAHM, I felt that I was going on vacation, because it was so much less work than what was expected of me as a SAHM!)
You are the housekeeper, cook, chauffeur, maid, Child care giver, ect (And a lot of it is tough, gritty work)right now you are doing about three or four full time jobs at once, so don't let anyone tell you that you are lazy or don't work, that is utter nonsense!
I wouldn't consider having a second child though, until you addressed these issues.
Your husband needs to respect you, and what you are doing (and visa versa) or resentment and anger and frustration will only build, and you will only drift further apart. One of the best gifts you can give your children, is a happy contented family.
I never said it was his only responsibility. I think his responsiblity when home IS taking care of himself (this is a must since he is the sole breadwinner) and relationships NOT DISHES. I said I don't think he should come home to chores. I never said he shouldn't spend time with his family. He should. He should also take care of himself, however, so he can continue to support his family. Because he is the sole breadwinner, preserving his ability to earn bread comes first, then family, then himself...the dishes, however, aren't even on the chart. He should have no responsiblity to wash them. He has more important things to do with his time.
What I talked about was her trading her responsibility to support her children, which she has handed off to him, for his portion of the chores around the house so that he has MORE time for family and taking care of himself when he's home. THAT is what I consider fair. Well, she still gets the better end of the deal but, at least, he benefits from the arrangement. I don't think he should come home to chores. I never talked about spending time with family because that's what I'm assuming he does with the time he's not doing chores because she's already done them.
I believe the average dh of a wm does about 7 hours a week of chores. That is what I'm suggesting she should take over in return for him taking over her responsibility to support her children. Giving him those 7 hours is the least she can do.
So should single people not have to wash dishes or do any chores since they are bringing home bread for themselves? The truth is it doesn't matter if it is a single man or a married man who has my job. The job description is the same. If one can go home and do dishes it will not kill the other to do it. Washing up occasionally is not such a hardship and if he didn't have a wife he'd have to do it anyway. If you think about the jobs a SAHM does these include "nanny", "cleaner", "cook", "grocery shopper", "pet sitter". I'd be hard pressed to afford all of these people to take of things when I am at work never mind all evening and night afterwards. Even my kids after school clubs ended at 6 pm when most parents finished work so I don't see why the home parent should have to do everything afterwards.
I agree that being a SAHM the wife can and should do more chores but probably not all of them. I also don't think staying home sounds like the better part of the deal to be honest. Working gives you more financial independence and respect if I've learnt anything from reading through this forum.
No job should expect you to be on call 24 hours seven days a week whether that is working at home or working in an office.
I didn't read through the entire thread but this is a lesson for you OP. As a wife and mom you have to learn how to take care of yourself because dh and the kids will not recognize your need for R&R. They think mom is a machine that can keep on going 24/7/365. There is no point in arguing about it because they wil never see things from your perspective. Your dh thinks you have it so good and he is the one who needs to be babied on his days off.
You have to put away the hurt feelings and make time for yourself. You don't need to have a perfectly clean house. You don't need to make fresh food every single night of the week. Sometimes you can leave the dishes and the kitchen until morning and go make love to your dh. Sometimes you can leave junior to entertain himself with a DVD or toys while you relax a bit with a book. You don't need to keep the kid busy 24/7...they can learn how to self-entertain for short periods of time at a young age.
Next, stop worrying about your husband's relationship with your son. That's HIS relationship not yours. If he feels that he spends enough time with the child then that's on him. Maybe later on when he is older they will get into guy stuff and want to spend more time together.
Anyway, good luck and take care of yourself because no one else will.
I wanted to add this regarding the sex thing. It may seem counterintuitive to have more sex when you feel resentful but trust me when I say leave the kitchen and give him some. It will make him more cooperative and less cranky. Dh feels an enormous amount of good will towards everyone in the house after we have a good session. It's almost like I can do no wrong for the next 24 hours. If he complains about the houswork tell him it's because he kept you up and wore you out. I bet he won't be mad!
That is pretty good advice. I don't agree though that SAH parents really work 24 hours a day because babies actually do fall asleep and often they take naps. Also a lot depends on your outlook, taking kids for a walk, playing with them, eating lunch with them, teaching them how to pick up their toys, watching cartoons with them, reading books to them, doesn't have to be viewed as some horrible chore or job. I don't see any point in trying to be a martyr about having to take care of your own kids. They're fun actually.
I think the problem is that people can get too hung up over having to make sure this is done or that is done. The worst thing is trying to control someone. It's smart of course for couples to discuss these issues before they're married and make sure they have the same expectations.
When this husband agreed to be the sole wage earner and provide all the financial support for his wife so she wouldn't have to work, he probably thought that meant he wasn't going to do half the housework and also relieve her of her parenting duties for the whole evening and weekends also. He thought it meant one thing, she thought it meant something else.
It's a mistake to just go ahead and marry someone who really isn't the way you want them to be and then figure you're going to snap your fingers and change them into what you want.
I think the OP just has to look at her options. Go on nagging and expecting he's going to change, divorce him and go back to the family who will give her entire weekends off and provide her financial support, or try another approach to save the marriage.
Sit down and decide what each thinks would be fair and discuss like two adults the possible compromises. Comparing your spouse with the perfect spouses that others have is pointless and two can play that game.
Riddle me this. If he gets 100% of the responsibility to support the family, why is it wrong to give her 100% of the chores at home given she is home 100% of the time to do them?
I don't get handing one partner 100% of one responsibility and then balking when someone suggests the other partner should take over something for them. HE has taken over her part of the responsibility to support their children. I think it's fair that SHE take over his part of the chores in return. Well, actually it's not fair since it takes a lot more work to support a family than it does to do the chores for one partner so she's getting the lighter end of the work deal here but, still, doing the chores he would have done if she were a WM is the least she can do.
It's been a while since I've read up on this but the chore break down was 21 hours in a household with a SAHP and 14 hours in households with DWP's. Trading an additional 14 hours of housework for 40 hours off is a pretty good deal. Even if this has changed, there is nowhere near 40 hours of work at home. So even if she does it all, she still has a lot more discretionary time than he does.
I do not get women who stay home and then expect their dh's to come home and do chores. Isn't it enough that he's doing ALL the working for a living? What does he get out of the arrangement if you still expect him to come home and do chores? It seems very unfair to me to expect him to bear 100% of the responsibility for supporting the family and then STILL expect him to come home to chores as if he isn't bearing 100% fo the responsibility of supporting the family. His JOB is supporting the family and making sure he's well rested and whatever it takes to insure he can continue to do that.
Being part of a family is not a clinical or economic exercise. Being part of a family is not just earning money and chores. Being one of a couple does not equate to competition.
I couldn't even tell you who does what regularly around here. My DH works outside the home, I do not, but we both do everything else according to who has the time, inclination, expertise, etc.
Each and every day when I read posts like this I am ever so grateful that I have the spouse and partner that I do.
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