regrets about working vs SAH? (child care, children, travel, school)
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I think you are really overreaching thinking that your path in life is available to every single mother in the workforce. Actually, my experience shoes just the opposite with my friends who have left (as I relayed earlier). But I suppose they just weren't ambitious enough. It wasn't because they lived in different areas than you, different companies work differently, different career fields have different experiences, etc. it just comes down to their lack of ambition and making themselves attractive to a company.
Think about what you just wrote, and think about what I wrote earlier. Also, really, how did I call you not ambitious
I had to uproot myself and my husband to move to an area where this would be possible for me. If I couldn't find work, but WANTED to work, I am not the type to just say, "Meh, it's not possible." I'd likely move again, assuming I took less drastic measures, such as freelancing or hunting down connections (which I still maintain as a SAHM). It's something that surprisingly few people seem willing to do, and then claim that it is impossible to get a job. What company wants to see a stale resume, whether you are a man or woman, regardless of the circumstances? THAT is what I mean by ambition. It's all about what you are willing to do. Moving cross country can be "not an option" for some, and they are limited by that choice - and believe me, it is a choice.
Think about what you just wrote, and think about what I wrote earlier. Also, really, how did I call you not ambitious
I had to uproot myself and my husband to move to an area where this would be possible for me. If I couldn't find work, but WANTED to work, I am not the type to just say, "Meh, it's not possible." I'd likely move again, assuming I took less drastic measures, such as freelancing or hunting down connections (which I still maintain as a SAHM). It's something that surprisingly few people seem willing to do, and then claim that it is impossible to get a job. What company wants to see a stale resume, whether you are a man or woman, regardless of the circumstances? THAT is what I mean by ambition. It's all about what you are willing to do. Moving cross country can be "not an option" for some, and they are limited by that choice - and believe me, it is a choice.
I was replying sarcastically to you. And yes, you did imply that women who can't find a job that is flexible like yours lack ambition. Actually, you rather more than implied it.
Again, you are making my point for me. We actually did move across the country for jobs. Three times. Coast to coast. This was in order for one if both if us to get better jobs and further our careers. Then we adopted a child and we have an open adoption with her local birth parents. So no, moving anywhere, let alone across the country isn't a viable option for us unless we are ok with our daughter having limited contact with her birth parents (which we are not, at least currently). See? You are making rampant assumptions that all mothers are able to make the exact sand job choices you did. That is absolutely not the case.
The decision to work or not work is a very complex one for many women. Many are not able to return easily to the workforce in the previous jobs. Many are not able to find flexible jobs that pay enough. Many are not able to relocate (or afford to even- we were blessed to have relocation for each move, but many do not have that). All I am pointing out to you is that making a blanket statement that ALL mothers can take your same path, careerwise, is not true and somewhat patronizing.
I was replying sarcastically to you. And yes, you did imply that women who can't find a job that is flexible like yours lack ambition. Actually, you rather more than implied it.
Again, you are making my point for me. We actually did move across the country for jobs. Three times. Coast to coast. This was in order for one if both if us to get better jobs and further our careers. Then we adopted a child and we have an open adoption with her local birth parents. So no, moving anywhere, let alone across the country isn't a viable option for us unless we are ok with our daughter having limited contact with her birth parents (which we are not, at least currently). See? You are making rampant assumptions that all mothers are able to make the exact sand job choices you did. That is absolutely not the case.
The decision to work or not work is a very complex one for many women. Many are not able to return easily to the workforce in the previous jobs. Many are not able to find flexible jobs that pay enough. Many are not able to relocate (or afford to even- we were blessed to have relocation for each move, but many do not have that). All I am pointing out to you is that making a blanket statement that ALL mothers can take your same path, careerwise, is not true and somewhat patronizing.
Actually, I stated this specifically about women in professional careers. You are bringing up a case with open adoption - again, that is YOUR CHOICE. You even said it - you are choosing to stay near birth parents over finding a flexible job. You even admitted that you relocated successfully for work several times in the past, but this time around, you CHOOSE to stay put. I'm not judging your choice - but no one is forcing you to do anything.
Life is full of different opportunities. Many people have been able to figure out ways to have creative home/life balance. But to say it is universally possible to get part time work in any geography or field combination, or whatever other factors are at play, is just wrong. Those among us be grateful. That does not mean anyone else necessarily can.
i dont disagree, but what i mean is that everyone can find part time work in their field. it may not be EXACTLY what they used to do, it will not be exactly the same title or salary, but it can be in their field in some way. we may have to let ourselves be put on a lower rung, but that is a choice to be made.
take for instance an accountant. what if they used to work for a big corporation and had the title of Controller. now this person only wants to work part time. will they be Controller? NO. but they may decide to go and work for H&R Block on weekends or evenings or only during tax season.
maybe a financial analyst will decide to work in a bank part time--even as a teller if it suites the time restraints. these are the kinds of decisions we make as people who want to stay home with our kids but still want to work in our fields. they may never be head of anything again, or they may in time, but that is a chance some are willing to take.
Think about what you just wrote, and think about what I wrote earlier. Also, really, how did I call you not ambitious
I had to uproot myself and my husband to move to an area where this would be possible for me. If I couldn't find work, but WANTED to work, I am not the type to just say, "Meh, it's not possible." I'd likely move again, assuming I took less drastic measures, such as freelancing or hunting down connections (which I still maintain as a SAHM). It's something that surprisingly few people seem willing to do, and then claim that it is impossible to get a job. What company wants to see a stale resume, whether you are a man or woman, regardless of the circumstances? THAT is what I mean by ambition. It's all about what you are willing to do. Moving cross country can be "not an option" for some, and they are limited by that choice - and believe me, it is a choice.
Your situation sound unique. In most cases it wouldn't make any sense to move a whole family, presumably away from your spouses full time job, so that you can work part time.
I haven't read all of the responses but I wanted to chime in.
I am a teacher, so I am very luckily that I had additional time off in the summers (between taking classes, doing curriculum development, working in my classroom, etc) as well as school breaks with my children.
I do regret all of the extra hours that I put in on my job. When my children were young they were always the last to be picked up at day care (6 PM) because teaching special education put so many extra demands and responsibilities on my time. After they got older my hours settled into a steady 7 AM to 7 PM at school or even longer, plus a lot of work on the weekends. Occassionally the janitors even had to kick me out at 11:00 PM as they needed to lock up the school building (this was after I was an empty nester). People have absolutely no idea of the vast amount of preparation, parent contact, record keeping and report writing that is required by many special education teachers.
As special education teachers we were always expected to "go the extra mile" for our students. And the miles kept increasing and increasing.
I remember once being told Friday at 4 PM that this enormous initial evaluation report and initial IEP for a new student, that had been scheduled for three weeks in the future, needed to be done by Monday at 8:00 AM. Apparently the psychologist had goofed up and miscalculated the 90 day timeline. I should have said "No, that is unreasonable. I have plans to go out of town to visit my son and watch him play college rugby."
But, I cancelled my plans and stayed home and did the work for school. And, I am embarrassed to admit how often that happened.
Something very similiar happened recently to the teacher that replaced me after I retired. She told them "No, I am not giving up my entire weekend because of your mistake. I can have the reports finished by Monday afternoon if you call in a sub and give me a workday on Monday. Or I can have the reports done by Thursday morning (by doing them at night)." They scheduled the meeting for Thursday morning.
I really wish that I would have done that.
No one lies on their deathbed saying "I wish that I had spent more time at work". It is only " I wish that I had worked less and spent more time with my children and family."
Last edited by germaine2626; 03-20-2013 at 06:33 PM..
I agree that it is very difficult to start a new position as part time or work at home, with some exceptions.
I was very lucky to work part-time until my son was 4. I usually spent 2 days in the office and worked half a day or so from home. My job was not high-stress, I loved my coworkers, and made decent money. We had a great nanny until my son was 2 1/2 and then he went to preschool 3 days/week.
When he turned 4 we moved and needed two full-time salaries because of a higher COL in our new area. I worked for a boss who was extremely inflexible and didn't trust people who worked from home(at this point I'd worked from home part-time for about 15 years..I'd also raised my stepkids and my employers had always been incredibly flexible). I found it all shocking, esp since my new employer touted themselves as so family-friendly. I ended up with health issues due to the stress. Luckily DH worked shorter hours and could pick up the slack.
After a year I found a new position with a manager who lets me work from home whenever I want. So much less stressful. Because of this, I am a better worker and incredibly loyal employee. Not having to freak out if DS wakes up sick and can't go to school or if there's a snow day has made life so much easier. DH now has to do a lot of client visits, so he's really limited of he works from home.
I think while it's great for either parent to be able to stay home, people should keep up with their skills and contacts in some way. There was a book or article written recently about how most women will end up either divorced or widowed and needed to keep a foot in the door for their own financial security. People lambasted the author but I thought it made a lot of sense.
I agree that it is very difficult to start a new position as part time or work at home, with some exceptions.
I was very lucky to work part-time until my son was 4. I usually spent 2 days in the office and worked half a day or so from home. My job was not high-stress, I loved my coworkers, and made decent money. We had a great nanny until my son was 2 1/2 and then he went to preschool 3 days/week.
When he turned 4 we moved and needed two full-time salaries because of a higher COL in our new area. I worked for a boss who was extremely inflexible and didn't trust people who worked from home(at this point I'd worked from home part-time for about 15 years..I'd also raised my stepkids and my employers had always been incredibly flexible). I found it all shocking, esp since my new employer touted themselves as so family-friendly. I ended up with health issues due to the stress. Luckily DH worked shorter hours and could pick up the slack.
After a year I found a new position with a manager who lets me work from home whenever I want. So much less stressful. Because of this, I am a better worker and incredibly loyal employee. Not having to freak out if DS wakes up sick and can't go to school or if there's a snow day has made life so much easier. DH now has to do a lot of client visits, so he's really limited of he works from home.
I think while it's great for either parent to be able to stay home, people should keep up with their skills and contacts in some way. There was a book or article written recently about how most women will end up either divorced or widowed and needed to keep a foot in the door for their own financial security. People lambasted the author but I thought it made a lot of sense.
That flexibility is HUGE to a working mother. My company was the same way and it does take a great deal of the stress off especially when your kids are young.
Actually, I stated this specifically about women in professional careers. You are bringing up a case with open adoption - again, that is YOUR CHOICE. You even said it - you are choosing to stay near birth parents over finding a flexible job. You even admitted that you relocated successfully for work several times in the past, but this time around, you CHOOSE to stay put. I'm not judging your choice - but no one is forcing you to do anything.
Forcing? Who said anything at all about forcing? Nor did I say anything about choosing. As for adoption, that has a tiny bit to do with how I'm a mom to one of my children, so it's incredibly relevant. Relocating would be a violation of a legal agreement we have with our daughter's birth parents. I am saying individual life circumstances play a role here, while you seem to think its just about making a different choice. And being ambitious.
Once again, I will state my point. You stated that any woman can find a flexible job in her career, can go back to work easily after many years, and/or find a part time job in their career. I'm saying no, every single mother cannot do that. That's a blanket statement that isn't true, and it's not all about personal choices or lack of ambition. It has a lot to do with the job market, biases against women (especially mothers), location, and individual careers.
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