College Adjustment (divorce, support, parents, girls)
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For those of you who have sent a daughter or son off to college, how long was the adjustment period before they were at home and happy to be there? Did they go through rough patches in the beginning?
Both of my children had a very short adjustment period and were immediately happy to be there. No real rough patches. That said, they were/are both very familiar with their college campus. We live 30 minutes away, but we did everything we could to make it feel like they were not still at home. They would both agree that living on campus is very different than living in the college town, or even outside of town as we do. There was a degree of familiarity for them, but it was still a new experience.
I just dropped my son off this past week-end at a college 8 hours away. Wow. Too far. I won't see him until October and he won't be home until Thanks giving.
He seems to be adjusting; he texted me a good bit early on (mainly to make sure I made it home and then one to tell me he loves me) and now . . . radio silence. I guess that's a good sign. I'm sitting on my hands to not text him for a few days.
It would tear me up if he called unhappy - though I'm told to expect that a few weeks into it and they also told us how to respond if that happens and help them work through it.
I'm not sure I understand the question. Are you asking about the adjustment to leaving home, or returning home for breaks after being away?
None of mine have suffered from any homesickness. I have a friend who just saw her daughter off to a college across the country. My friend was not part of the decision making process (divorce), but she wanted her daughter to remain in state. Mainly to stick it to his ex, the girl's father said she could attend the cross country school. Now of course, reality has set in, and the daughter is homesick, and wants to come home once a month for the next 4 months. The father has paid for 2 of those plane tickets, and the girl is pressuring her mother to buy the other two. Except, my friend can't afford it.
I think freshmen in particular tend to come home and call home as frequently as possible, but that changes as they find their niche and make new friends.
We just moved our daughter in on Friday, 3.5 hours away. I did not expect her to be anything but perfectly happy, based on her personality and past experiences. She texted me in the middle of the night last night and said she was not happy. She cannot get enough sleep, and she feels that everyone is drinking and partying. (She is at a nationally competitive school and thought there might be less of that.)
I'm trying to figure out if she's just tired and needs to adjust or if this is an indication of something else. I want to figure out how to best support her as she goes through this transition.
For those of you who have sent a daughter or son off to college, how long was the adjustment period before they were at home and happy to be there? Did they go through rough patches in the beginning?
Mine wasn't happy at all. She wasn't that far away--I live in New Jersey, and she was in Manhattan. She was SO looking forward to college and making new friends. She was in a suite-style dorm situation where she had four roommates in a two-bedroom suite with a living area and their own bathroom. She really wanted that as opposed to the more typical two-person room with the shared bathroom down the hall.
She was miserable. Her rough patch lasted the entire freshman year. She had begged to go to this college, even though it was more expensive even with the scholarship they gave her (I went back and asked for more money, and they gave me another $5,000.) Just before she started, she found that they had changed the core curriculum drastically and she couldn't take the classes she had anticipated. And then, she was not a partier/drinker but she quickly found that this is all that three of her four roommates wanted to do--go out and drink until 4 a.m. every night. My daughter was the kid who was in bed at 10 p.m. in high school, didn't drink, and really LOVED going to school. She's also a neat freak, and one of the girls especially was just a filthy slob who left food until it rotted and threw her dirty underwear on the living room floor. She had anticipated having this great time in college with her suitemates, and it was not that way at all. Some of it was also economic--all of her roommates were from significantly wealthier families than what we were, and she really just didn't fit in with most of them.
I remember walking on the beach that winter with the phone to my ear listening to her cry and tell me how unhappy she was at that school. On the plus side, she did make friends with the one roommate who is more like she is and she's still friends with that girl to this day. I never said this to her, but as one of 7 siblings myself, I also think that despite her bad experience it was not a terrible thing for an only child to have to learn to deal with some difficult roommates.
Anyway, academically, she discovered that what she really wanted to study was very different from what she thought she'd wanted to study, and with not being socially happy at her school, she spent her spring semester free time searching for another college. She transferred for her sophomore year to a university about 180 miles away, and it was as different as night and day. She was happier in her studies, and she made a lot of friends and joined activities. She also studied abroad in Asia, and adjusted to that probably better than she did to that first year in Manhattan, thirty miles from home. She graduated this past May. I think that in some ways, that first year was a good learning experience for her. Our instinct is to try to make our kids happy and soothe them when they are having difficulties, but I found the best tack for me to take was just to listen and let her figure it out.
Last edited by Mightyqueen801; 08-26-2013 at 10:41 AM..
[I'm trying to figure out if she's just tired and needs to adjust or if this is an indication of something else. I want to figure out how to best support her as she goes through this transition.]
I've worked at a Counseling Center (NOT as a therapist) at a fairly prestigious university, and now work in support at another one. I can tell you that this is very normal....and it's only been since Friday which I know can seem like forever.
There are LOTS of resources on campus, and your daughter is for sure not the only one to feel this way...so many feel that they are the "only ones". I would be there for her as she needs you - let her call/text you. She should know that her RA is there for her, too and I would encourage her to talk to the RA. The Counseling Center I was at was absolutely amazing, they knew just how to handle this and they EXPECT to hear from a lot of students who feel this way. Again, so many feel that they don't need "counseling" and maybe they don't - on an ongoing basis anyway - but they know how to talk to these kids and can give them tools to equip them to get through this time.
At the end of the day, obviously if she hates it, doesn't want to stay there are options there, too. There is always someone at the university that you or she can talk to about those options...withdrawing/leave of absence...many things. I wish you the best and hope your daughter will give it a bit more time...maybe she can change her dorm/roommate...before she decides to leave. Good luck.
[I'm trying to figure out if she's just tired and needs to adjust or if this is an indication of something else. I want to figure out how to best support her as she goes through this transition.]
I've worked at a Counseling Center (NOT as a therapist) at a fairly prestigious university, and now work in support at another one. I can tell you that this is very normal....and it's only been since Friday which I know can seem like forever.
There are LOTS of resources on campus, and your daughter is for sure not the only one to feel this way...so many feel that they are the "only ones". I would be there for her as she needs you - let her call/text you. She should know that her RA is there for her, too and I would encourage her to talk to the RA. The Counseling Center I was at was absolutely amazing, they knew just how to handle this and they EXPECT to hear from a lot of students who feel this way. Again, so many feel that they don't need "counseling" and maybe they don't - on an ongoing basis anyway - but they know how to talk to these kids and can give them tools to equip them to get through this time.
At the end of the day, obviously if she hates it, doesn't want to stay there are options there, too. There is always someone at the university that you or she can talk to about those options...withdrawing/leave of absence...many things. I wish you the best and hope your daughter will give it a bit more time...maybe she can change her dorm/roommate...before she decides to leave. Good luck.
This ^^^.
I am a mean parent, but you might also make it clear when junior goes off 'to the school of their dreams' that IF there are sufficient funds, you will see them at Thanksgiving, or Christmas. Anything before that is out of the question unless there is a REAL issue (not crocodile tears about how nobody likes me here).
I am a mean parent, but you might also make it clear when junior goes off 'to the school of their dreams' that IF there are sufficient funds, you will see them at Thanksgiving, or Christmas. Anything before that is out of the question unless there is a REAL issue (not crocodile tears about how nobody likes me here).
I do agree that an adjustment period is completely normal, and the students must make the effort to get out and avail themselves of the various activities in order to make friends. Many dorms host parties at the beginning of the year to help the kids mingle.
But, it is important to attend that first Parents' Weekend. There is nothing sadder than a roommate left in the room while the others go off with their families. We've taken a couple of those roommates out to eat with us, but it didn't make up for not having their own family come.
I am a mean parent, but you might also make it clear when junior goes off 'to the school of their dreams' that IF there are sufficient funds, you will see them at Thanksgiving, or Christmas. Anything before that is out of the question unless there is a REAL issue (not crocodile tears about how nobody likes me here).
I understand. My son chose a college about 8 hours away with the understanding that he will not be home before Thanksgiving. As a single working parent, I simply cannot afford plane tickets back and forth numerous times. I drove up there for move in day and not sure I can do that again by myself - up and back. Wow. That was harder than I thought.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie
I do agree that an adjustment period is completely normal, and the students must make the effort to get out and avail themselves of the various activities in order to make friends. Many dorms host parties at the beginning of the year to help the kids mingle.
But, it is important to attend that first Parents' Weekend. There is nothing sadder than a roommate left in the room while the others go off with their families. We've taken a couple of those roommates out to eat with us, but it didn't make up for not having their own family come.
I do plan on being there but wonder if my son will even want to spend time with me. He sure didn't want to when I was there to help him on 'move in ' day and that was also parent orientation week-end. All the other parents were there but I just felt like I was in his way. I didn't linger.
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which I know can seem like forever.
