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I do plan on being there but wonder if my son will even want to spend time with me. He sure didn't want to when I was there to help him on 'move in ' day and that was also parent orientation week-end. All the other parents were there but I just felt like I was in his way. I didn't linger.
Yes, the distance and expense has to be taken into consideration. It sounds as though your son will enjoy his college experience and won't be suffering from homesickness. But, if you can go, I would urge you to. I've seen some very independent kids grin ear to ear when their parents show up.
We only did Parents' Weekend that freshman year though. Once they move off campus the focus on family involvement drops considerably.
We just moved our daughter in on Friday, 3.5 hours away. I did not expect her to be anything but perfectly happy, based on her personality and past experiences. She texted me in the middle of the night last night and said she was not happy. She cannot get enough sleep, and she feels that everyone is drinking and partying. (She is at a nationally competitive school and thought there might be less of that.)
I'm trying to figure out if she's just tired and needs to adjust or if this is an indication of something else. I want to figure out how to best support her as she goes through this transition.
Thanks.
She sounds similar to my second daughter. She knew early on that she wanted to go to University of Texas and be a Longhorn with all it's traditions. There was never a doubt in her mind. She was only 3 hours away.
Her dorm was all female and her roommate was one of her core group of 5 friends from high school.
Everything was ideal she figured.
Then...the campus is huge - 50,000 students - and some things were just overwhelming. Her roommate was quite different to live with than she was anticipating and that was unsettling for her. Most other people were complete strangers and yes indeed there were girls coming in drunk at all hours of the night keeping her awake. She didn't have a car and didn't have a license anyway, so she relied on friends coming back to the DFW area to come home to visit, and she came home once a month for the 1st semester. She needed to do that.
She ended up meeting all kinds of girls through her dorm and activities done there. She met more at school functions like movie night, bowling etc. However, it was the traditions that pulled at her, most especially football, that kept her connected.
One girl in her dorm had attended her high school but they had barely known each other. They ended up getting an apartment together, with 2 others, their junior year and 5 years after graduating, they are still best friends. My girl was always a homebody and never a party girl. The best friend is also not a party girl, however it's because she is Mormon and takes her faith very seriously. So, in a somewhat comical turn of events, my daughter found her comfort zone among a large student body of lots of partying student in a group made up of mostly Mormons.
The first semester was definitely trying, the second only slightly better. By sophomore year she had grown enough in independence, confidence and experience to find her own way.
Be prepared for what is known as 'dump' calls/texts/emails...where she is crying or ranting and very upset, dumping out all her emotions that have built up on you. But be aware that most of the time she is just likely wanting a safe place to vent and not really looking for action to be taken.
Don't take these personally and try to remain supportive without trying to solve her problems. Encourage her to try something new or a to take a different approach when she does ask for help.
Ask her to tell you about the people she has met, the places she has been, the things she has done and then ask about the mundane things. Has she eaten? Did she do laundry? Does she have everything she needs?
In other words, turn into nosy talkative mom and she might decide she is done talking to you and go back to her new situation with whatever she was upset about long forgotten. Weak moment over and done.
Tomorrow it probably won't be a big deal anymore.
Most likely she'll adjust to not having lots of sleep, like most college kids do. She'll also adjust to the drinking and party atmosphere by either finding her own groove with others or find places to be without them. (My girl learned to do her homework in one area of the dorm that was away from the action)
The more she learns about, the more people she meets, the more things she participates in, the better she will adjust. It takes time, definitely more time than a few of days.
hypocore said: "Be prepared for what is known as 'dump' calls/texts/emails...where she is crying or ranting and very upset, dumping out all her emotions that have built up on you. But be aware that most of the time she is just likely wanting a safe place to vent and not really looking for action to be taken."
Yes! Very good advice. They do that. My daughter also did this when she first went to China for a semester. Even though she knew some kids who would be there before she went, the adjustment was difficult. Chinese colleges don't have orientations, you just figure everything out on your own, and the Chinese kids of college age are more like 15-year-olds are here, and her roommate from France wasn't coming for another week so she was alone in her dorm. She kept calling and saying she felt she needed to come home...and I would just listen and tell her if she really needed to come home she COULD. Then after a couple of weeks, I didn't hear from her for about three or four days. Then I got an email about how she and some other foreign students all went salsa dancing (yes, apparently it's rather popular in central China) and how they were going to the Panda preserve on the weekend, and how she was buying a used bicycle to get around...
Just listening and not offering advice is usually the way to go.
We just moved our daughter in on Friday, 3.5 hours away. I did not expect her to be anything but perfectly happy, based on her personality and past experiences. She texted me in the middle of the night last night and said she was not happy. She cannot get enough sleep, and she feels that everyone is drinking and partying. (She is at a nationally competitive school and thought there might be less of that.)
I'm trying to figure out if she's just tired and needs to adjust or if this is an indication of something else. I want to figure out how to best support her as she goes through this transition.
Thanks.
It's hard to say based on what you said. Anyone can have a hard time adjusting to college. However, it's worth paying attention to make sure these feelings aren't a sign of a real problem.
Unfortunately, many colleges are truly bad environments. "…college campuses and the communities around them are among the most dangerous places in America, rivaling inner cities in the number of crimes committed per acre." (Brandon, Craig. The Five-Year Party, pp. 79-80. Dallas: BenBella Books, Inc., 2010.)
At many universities, partying and binge drinking is far worse than you can imagine. It often leads to hospitalization, fights and sexual assault. If this is the type of environment your daughter is in, she needs to take precautions. She needs to choose her friends and activities carefully. It's very unwise to get excessively drunk in these environments or let a beverage out of your immediate control. For young women, the first few weeks of the school year are especially dangerous. In the long run, it's better to transfer out of this kind of environment.
Nor are "nationally competitive" schools exempt from this type of behavior.
It's hard to say based on what you said. Anyone can have a hard time adjusting to college. However, it's worth paying attention to make sure these feelings aren't a sign of a real problem.
Unfortunately, many colleges are truly bad environments. "…college campuses and the communities around them are among the most dangerous places in America, rivaling inner cities in the number of crimes committed per acre." (Brandon, Craig. The Five-Year Party, pp. 79-80. Dallas: BenBella Books, Inc., 2010.)
At many universities, partying and binge drinking is far worse than you can imagine. It often leads to hospitalization, fights and sexual assault. If this is the type of environment your daughter is in, she needs to take precautions. She needs to choose her friends and activities carefully. It's very unwise to get excessively drunk in these environments or let a beverage out of your immediate control. For young women, the first few weeks of the school year are especially dangerous. In the long run, it's better to transfer out of this kind of environment.
Nor are "nationally competitive" schools exempt from this type of behavior.
Sounds like a huge overreaction. Yes, students drink and party, but, by and large, they do that once they meet a group to socialize with. That takes longer than the first weekend at college.
The OP's daughter sounds as though she is homesick, plain and simple. The advice to listen, not rescue, is sound.
For those of you who have sent a daughter or son off to college, how long was the adjustment period before they were at home and happy to be there? Did they go through rough patches in the beginning?
With my first daughter, it took a full 2 YEARS before she adjusted.
The second one, maybe until Thanksgiving.
My current college student has had no problems at all.
I understand. My son chose a college about 8 hours away with the understanding that he will not be home before Thanksgiving. As a single working parent, I simply cannot afford plane tickets back and forth numerous times. I drove up there for move in day and not sure I can do that again by myself - up and back. Wow. That was harder than I thought.
I do plan on being there but wonder if my son will even want to spend time with me. He sure didn't want to when I was there to help him on 'move in ' day and that was also parent orientation week-end. All the other parents were there but I just felt like I was in his way. I didn't linger.
Yes he will want to spend time with you. My son was not homesick at all when he went to school but he was still thrilled to see us on parents weekend.
Both our grown kids went to Ga Tech just an hour or so from our home. They were both on scholarship and knew many people from their high school there as well. We would go on campus their whole lives for concerts, museums, etc so it wasn't like a huge transition
Our son was very focused but go way too involved with Everquest (Evercrack) and I worried about him all the time. Finally he saw what it was doing to him and a good friend from high school totally washed out the first semester from being addicted to Everquest. We let him take an old beat up pick up truck on campus and he only came home once before Thanksgiving to get some supplies for a camping trip with new friends. I'm sure his proximity to home made a big difference. At 32 his best friend is the guy who roomed across the hall their freshman year.
My daughter on the other hand took a turn we were not happy with. she roomed with her best friend since 3rd grade and 2 other new girls. Not a drinker or party girl in the group but DD had her first serious boyfriend who was not in college (he thought he knew everything anyway and he was too smart for college- you know the type). That relationship distracted her away from her studies and we were very unhappy. She ended up with a major in psychology (what can you do with that) and she broke up with him after 2+ years and she did graduate.
Of course we can't control our college kids' relationships but I felt she reached out to him and stayed with him because of some discomfort being away from home. Who knows!
I know some people who tell their freshmen kids not to come home before Thanksgiving and I think that is certainly OK. Depends on the kid and the dynamics of the family and of course budget concerns. I certainly would not allow once a month trips home no matter how far or close the school is.
I just dropped my son off this past week-end at a college 8 hours away. Wow. Too far. I won't see him until October and he won't be home until Thanks giving.
He seems to be adjusting; he texted me a good bit early on (mainly to make sure I made it home and then one to tell me he loves me) and now . . . radio silence. I guess that's a good sign. I'm sitting on my hands to not text him for a few days.
It would tear me up if he called unhappy - though I'm told to expect that a few weeks into it and they also told us how to respond if that happens and help them work through it.
Now . . gotta make sure I"M adjusting!
I'm not telling you what to do, but there is nothing wrong with texting him daily. Just a short message to say Hi.
We just moved our daughter in on Friday, 3.5 hours away. I did not expect her to be anything but perfectly happy, based on her personality and past experiences. She texted me in the middle of the night last night and said she was not happy. She cannot get enough sleep, and she feels that everyone is drinking and partying. (She is at a nationally competitive school and thought there might be less of that.)
I'm trying to figure out if she's just tired and needs to adjust or if this is an indication of something else. I want to figure out how to best support her as she goes through this transition.
Thanks.
This was my biggest challenge when I started school. Many of the kids in my dorm were complete idiots that could not handle their new found freedom. They spent the first weeks of school partying non-stop, blasting boom boxes until five in the morning. There were obviously rules against such behavior but nothing was ever enforced. Needless to say, it definitely wore on me, as never could sleep more than a few hours a night. I guess the system does weed people out, as many of the trouble makers were gone the next semester. Unfortunately the cycle starts again the next year. Unless you go to some place like Bob Jones, Liberty, or BYU, you will likely see this type of behavior everywhere.
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