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this is an excellent post...because women who work full time, have kids activities after work/school, keep the house cleaning/cooking,
i think this contributes to a superwoman complex, that she tries to do everything, but "something has to give" and its usually has unintended consequences, like the marriage suffers, she's on "overload" and is exhausted,,,, the husband should buck up and help out alot,,some do,,,but also, some dont,,,and the superwoman, builds resentment ,,because trying to do it all isnt healthy
i think this is the root cause to many divorces- ultimately its communications and "balance" with hubby and wife,,,and when that doesnt happen,,, it can be destructive
as one poster said-its your life, you make the rules,,,and there is no more important "job" than being a mother
if you can financially swing it- i think its better for the kids..just my opinion
Yes, something has to give and it's the husband and he must do more than help out. That's the only way it can work in a happy, successful marriage ime.
I didn't read all four pages (I'm at work ) but yeah, if I had the financial wherewithal to stay home, I would try very hard to work out some kind of part-time arrangement with my job. I love my career and wouldn't want to end it completely, so that's the way I'd aim.
I do believe kids need us at all stages, but I'm lucky in that my husband works from home and has been there for them all their lives (they're in 3rd and 7th grades).
I have missed so dang much, though, and things are starting to get very very complicated, much more so than when they were not in school and both in very early grades. Now there are myriad after-school activities for the older one, and both attend different schools with different schedules.
My husband likely doesn't realize it yet, as it's only the first week of the different school situation, but I'm the one who does the planning and scheduling, and I can see stormy skies ahead. He will be run ragged. And that's BEFORE the inevitable crises come up.
But we can't afford any drop in income, so it's not an option. For me. And for most, I would guess.
This is something my wife and I have discussed numerous times. We have 3 kids below the age of 4. When we had just 1, my wife still worked. Our baby was in daycare. Life was hectic. Between the daycare drop offs and pickups, the "preparing him for the day", the stuff we had to do around the house, etc. It was a lot.
By the time our baby would go to sleep, we'd have about 30 minutes to 1 hour to "finish up stuff around the house" before we could even think about getting any leisure time for ourselves. That was with only 1!
We decided that it made more sense for her to stay home with the kid (soon to be kids). Honestly, I think our quality of life has improved greatly. Sure, our income is far less (we both made similar incomes). And we had to budget things more. But, I feel like we have more time to do stuff with the kids and even more time to ourselves when they are sleeping because she is staying home with the kids.
I think the plan when the youngest starts school is for my wife to take on a "less time demanding job" or more particularly, one that isn't a 9 to 5 job. Maybe we will pay the price later on, but the kids only grow up once and we want to be there to enjoy it.
I have a toddler, trying for #2 but with no luck so I'm considering my options. I'm a SAHM and although continuing to be a SAHM does sound appealing (you gave good reasons and the same ones I've considered) after she starts school, it does seem kind of a "waste" to just be at home when kiddo is in school.
I can see your point and relate. I went to college, worked and went back to work after our kiddo was born but I just couldn't manage everything. I was exhausted emotionally and physically. Husband worked a good 70 hours/week. I felt like a single parent so after a while, I said enough. In retrospect, I kind of regret it b'c kiddo loves being around other kids and I'm considering starting her in pre-school next year at age 3. Now that I haven't been working for a couple of years, I kind of feel like I'd be starting over again.
I'm not necessarily career driven but still feel like I know what you're talking about. I think all the "pros and cons" you mentioned are valid. We don't live close to family or know a lot of people to entrust our kiddo with. And how DO people handle all the holidays off during school?! I think that's where everybody's "vacation days" go to, IMO. Husband takes some to watch the kiddo; wife takes some to watch the kiddos; then there's none left for a "real" vacation! Then again, there are single parents out there and we're not the only ones who don't live close to family. People HAVE to make it work I guess.
Personally, I think if you can make it work to be a SAHM - at least during elementary school - you should. I've had a blast watching my daughter grow up and when she starts school I can't wait to hear about her day, what she's learned, and the wealth of knowledge I am looking to impart to her. I plan on getting her into as many activities as I comfortably can so she can have all the experiences I never had or that I did have and think is important for her to experience as well, like piano lessons. All that is going to take time and transportation!
Just remember, whatever decision you decide on is the right one. Your kids will love you no matter if you work all day or are home waiting for them with milk and cookies. You may give up some precious time with them if you work, but you will make them up somehow. If you want to build your career you will find a way to build your family alongside. And if you decide to stay home, it'll all be worth it to be there for your kids every day. That first fight with their best friend, you'll be there waiting for them at the bus stop to comfort them. That "A" in spelling she will proudly have in her hands getting off the school bus and run to you. But you'll hear about all those things, too, if you worked, and you will help them through it all regardless if you stayed at home or worked.
Good luck with your decision. It's a tough one to make but as long as both you and hubby are one board, it will be the right decision!
I never felt wasted being a SAHM even when my kids were grown up. I'm just one of those people who is rarely bored because so many things interest me. I work part time now but never saw having a job as a necessity as long as money wasn't an issue.
OP, I did what you're contemplating. My oldest was in 6th grade when I stopped working full time. There was one principal that told me I was smart for doing that. Anyone can tell them don't touch a hot stove, don't put things in their mouths. You really need to guide them on the big stuff. Sex, drugs, alcohol, peer pressure, etc.
That said, I wish I had the option of working from home in my career. I would have done it in a heartbeat. I worked part time. I also had a grandmother that moved in with us that I needed to take care of. So I subbed, which was great. I could work whenever they called and if I had something going on, I didn't have to. At the end when I hospiced her it was good to not worry if my job was going to be angry because I wasn't coming in.
It got to be very stressful because we didn't have busses. I was getting calls 2-3 days a week that so and so wasn't there or they had a club after school and needed a ride. It was rough and so the decision to stay home.
Flash forward. I'd love to go back to my career. The economy has taken a hit and the jobs are frozen in my field. It's heartbreaking to not be able to do what I loved.
I am working full time in a similar field and less than half of what I was making when I left.
The day will come when you want to return to working. That said, I did not miss the school activities, class parties, sports games, etc. This is what I cherish. Just being able to be there for these things is so rewarding and the kids will remember it.
It's a trade off but a very worthy one. Best of luck no matter what you decide.
OP, it is your life and your family's life. Do what is best for you/them and not try to live someone else life and worry about criticism. IMO, I have no respect for someone telling you how to raise your kids or run your family. It is one thing to give you guidance and suggestions, it is quite another for them to criticise your family choices. They are your kids and this is your life. I bet some people who complain about SAHMs also complain that kids today aren't raised properly. Which one is it?!
Sorry, this subject is heated for me because my wife is a SAHM but her mother looks down on her for being a SAHM IMO, and it irritates me. Her mother pushed her to pursue an Engineering degree. My wife didn't want to do that (she didn't know her daughter at all, anyone who knew her saw she was/is an artistic/crafty type) but her mom kept pushing her. My wife tried the classes out in order to please her mother but she couldn't handle it and went into the degrees she really wanted: Interior Design and Photography. Her mother did not like that and even today (my wife is 30 years old) her mother will bring up that she never got an Engineering degree, she should have been an engineer, you would roll in money, etc. Of course, she does not like my wife being a SAHM to our two girls ages 4 and 20 months. She criticizes how my wife parents (her mother is should not really comment on this), how my wife disciplines, second guesses her decisions, hates how my wife has our house decorated, etc. And to top it all off, she will regularly tell my wife "Since you do nothing all day, you should be doing XYZ" and, "Aren't you done having kids yet?" Extremely, extremely irritating! Meanwhile, other people say that it is great thing my wife can stay home and they wish they could do it. They will say this in front of her mother and she will just try and change the subject. No support whatsoever. Her mother is 48 and my wife's grandmother was a SAHM so I'm not sure where my mother in law is coming from. My wife handles all this well and I give her credit but she has the attitude that "this is her life and family/kids and this is what she is doing". She is done trying pleasing her mother at age 30 and I don't blame her.
Sorry for the rant there, but the point is that if you worry too much about pleasing others when it comes to matters about you or your kids/family, then YOU will never be pleased with YOURSELF.
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) but yeah, if I had the financial wherewithal to stay home, I would try very hard to work out some kind of part-time arrangement with my job. I love my career and wouldn't want to end it completely, so that's the way I'd aim.
