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Not sure I agree with this approach Jaded. Won't it just play into his and his family's contention that he isn't the father and she is afraid that will come out so she isn't willing to have the test. As immature as he is now there is some hope he may get away from his controlling negative family and eventually see he has a responsibility to his child.
And he may see no reason now to have contact with his child but someday the child will internalize that she was somehow not good enough to have her father in her life. Kids have a way of turning everything inside out and blame themselves for everything. That is why kids of divorce can have so many problems.
Since they and both families live in the same town eventually it will get out that mob decided she didn't want a DNA test and let him off the hook cause she was afraid her lie would catch up with her. Gossips would have a hay day and I think the situation will be even worse.
No, it will make him sh*t or get off the pot. MOB may not live in this town forever. She has a future to consider. He's been threatening a paternity test since before the baby was born. So, it's time for him put up or shut up. Worrying about rumors is the least of her concerns...his parents have already slandered her family. It's a toxic situation that doesn't appear to be improving. I thought it would. *sigh*
Regarding the second paragraph, that's for him to decide. Either he's going to be a father or not. He doesn't get the choice to pop in his daughter's life "when he's ready." That will harm her. Jersey' s daughter may marry, and have other children. Her child may not be fatherless; and any father she has should want to be there without constant doubt of paternity.
He and his family don't want to pay for the test...they just want to trash her daughter's name by publicly questioning paternity. If they are doing this now, can you imagine what disparaging things they'll say about her mom and her mother's family when she's older? Again, no one can make him become responsible. Children are smart, if he becomes a deadbeat his daughter will know it's not her mother's fault.
So, I'm going to state this and hope you are able to see the long term benefits to your daughter's sanity. Pay for the paternity test. But as a condition of doing so, he has to agree to not seek visitation as she will not seek child support. In other words, he needs to voluntarily terminate his parental rights. Why? Because your daughter and your family will be dealing with this dysfunction for 18+ years!
At the juncture, she needs to just take control and move on with her life. And yes, the financial burden will initially fall on you and your husband until she's able to be fully independent. Don't just go after child support because he's the father...all money ain't good money. I think your instincts are right about this.
In 5 or 10 years if he's matured, then he can see the child if your daughter feels comfortable. It's a fallacy that he or she should have unconditional access to the child. That works in most cases, and in others it's not feasible. He's being controlled and cannot make decisions for himself. Your daughter is stressed and that will eventually affect the baby. He's got a lot of maturing to do but it should be done in the least intrusive manner to your family and grandchild.
I'm appalled by his remark. So I suggest she call his bluff. Shut him down know or you'll never hear the end of it or live in peace. Give him the ultimatum. Once he's faced with the real possibility of being removed from his daughter's life, either his tune will change or his true colors will show and he'll leave. You can't force someone to be a parent, financially or emotionally.
Well jeez, that's precisely why this was a terrible idea from the get go.
And here we have a situation where the other daughter in the family is dating the brother of the FOB. Not to mention there isn't even SO's of both Jersey's daughter's or the FOB to deal with yet. Just wait until the girlfriend enters the picture and all that that entails.
I'm aware that all the various ships have sailed and that not much can be done at this point. The child has a right to her father, no matter what we or anybody else thinks of him. But instead of some of the rainbows and unicorn scenarios that have been blown around this thread about the wonderfulness of it all, I hope someone else who may be in this situation early on gets a bit of a reality check, and makes decisions based on that and not about how "magical" it all is once the baby's born.
Sorry Jersey I don't mean this as a personal attack on you at all. I think you've done admirably under the circumstances.
Well jeez, that's precisely why this was a terrible idea from the get go.
And here we have a situation where the other daughter in the family is dating the brother of the FOB. Not to mention there isn't even SO's of both Jersey's daughter's or the FOB to deal with yet. Just wait until the girlfriend enters the picture and all that that entails.
I'm aware that all the various ships have sailed and that not much can be done at this point. The child has a right to her father, no matter what we or anybody else thinks of him. But instead of some of the rainbows and unicorn scenarios that have been blown around this thread about the wonderfulness of it all, I hope someone else who may be in this situation early on gets a bit of a reality check, and makes decisions based on that and not about how "magical" it all is once the baby's born.
Sorry Jersey I don't mean this as a personal attack on you at all. I think you've done admirably under the circumstances.
I do not take offense one bit. You're absolutely right.
I hope someone out there does read this and learn something.
This is a tough situation at best. I don't even go into the mental aspect of the whole thing and how some of the things consume your thoughts and your stomach does flips from worry.
No matter what is said or how you feel and what you would like to do or say, you can't because your feelings do not matter one bit. It's all about the baby. They can flip you off, say whatever they want and you just have to shrug it off. Unless the baby is in danger you cannot do a thing about it.
Biology shouldn't trump the well-being of the child. He was holding the baby and stated he didn't think he was the father...nuff said.
What does that matter?? She has a right to HER FATHER. And she was given that right when her mother voluntarily got pregnant and decided to raise the baby. She already picked him and that is not the fault of the child. You are wrong if you don't think that the child will likely in some way internalize the absence of her biological dad as being something to do with her own inadequacies somewhere down the line. Which directly correlates to her well being.
I realize you have negative bias toward biology. But it's a fact nonetheless, whether you think it matters or not.
What does that matter?? She has a right to HER FATHER. And she was given that right when her mother voluntarily got pregnant and decided to raise the baby. She already picked him and that is not the fault of the child. You are wrong if you don't think that the child will likely in some way internalize the absence of her biological dad as being something to do with her own inadequacies somewhere down the line. Which directly correlates to her well being.
I realize you have negative bias toward biology. But it's a fact nonetheless, whether you think it matters or not.
I get what Jaded is saying and what you're saying as well.
I had two parents that didn't care a bit for me. Didn't know my father until I was an adult.
I know what you mean. I did internalize it. Doubly so. What was wrong with ME that I was unwanted by my parents?
I know it wasn't me and it's their loss but it takes time to get to that poin.
I get what Jaded is saying and what you're saying as well.
I had two parents that didn't care a bit for me. Didn't know my father until I was an adult.
I know what you mean. I did internalize it. Doubly so. What was wrong with ME that I was unwanted by my parents?
I know it wasn't me and it's their loss but it takes time to get to that poin.
Yes, me as well, pertaining to my father - except I never did meet my dad and I the only thing I really do know is that he died a couple of years ago. My mother's story is very much your daughter's. I think a parent's role or lack thereof and its effect on a child can be severely underestimated by well meaning adults. My husband is in a similar boat, even though he was adopted and brought up by a wonderful man at a young age.
Biology shouldn't trump the well-being of the child. He was holding the baby and stated he didn't think he was the father...nuff said.
He is still coming around to visit his daughter. He needs to man up and tell his parents to butt out, but has not yet done anything so egregious as to lose the right to his child.
I just know issuing ultimatums can be very dangerous. And it would be the child who pays the price if this ultimatum back fires which is what Jaded thinks will happen. From what I know of the FOB and his family they will dance the happy dance and turn it into indictment of the MOB and her honesty and be happy to be free of responsibility and visitation. It's obvious the FOB's family has no interest in the child and FOB takes his marching orders from them.
What does that matter?? She has a right to HER FATHER. And she was given that right when her mother voluntarily got pregnant and decided to raise the baby. She already picked him and that is not the fault of the child. You are wrong if you don't think that the child will likely in some way internalize the absence of her biological dad as being something to do with her own inadequacies somewhere down the line. Which directly correlates to her well being.
I realize you have negative bias toward biology. But it's a fact nonetheless, whether you think it matters or not.
Quote:
Originally Posted by FinsterRufus
Yes, me as well, pertaining to my father - except I never did meet my dad and I the only thing I really do know is that he died a couple of years ago. My mother's story is very much your daughter's. I think a parent's role or lack thereof and its effect on a child can be severely underestimated by well meaning adults. My husband is in a similar boat, even though he was adopted and brought up by a wonderful man at a young age.
Finster, I understand that's how you feel, but a biological father can do significant damage if they are abusive or neglectful. Not knowing or meeting a biological father is much better than having one that doesn't show up when expected without even calling, going years between seeing him, hearing him say, "You're not my child" or "I didn't want you," constant fighting between parents, police involvement, parents stealing children from each other, etc. You don't realize it, but you'd be a lot worse off if that was the relationship you had with you father. If a mother waits until the biological father does things like that, the damage is already done. If all evidence indicates that's the type of father a man will be, it's better a child never meets that type of father and a suitable father figure be found.
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