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But for goodness' sakes, there's a very real possibility that when the reality of the situation sinks in for the daughter, that she might well decide on another plan, or WANT to - and she doesn't need the pressure of the doting grandma act just yet, and no one needs to over do at this point.
I guess you just nailed what was making me so uncomfortable. From panic to one big happy family in the matter of days. Right down to Woo Hoo Imma gonna be a grandma. This remains a less than ideal situation. A few days did not change that.
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Give the two people that are actually going to be the parents a bit of space. You don't want them to feel like they have no choice but to keep this path because if they don't they risk severely disappointing you. That could backfire in the long run.
Be supportive but keep a bit of distance. Let them figure it out completely. Give them the chance to really make up their own minds.
I am so hopeful that my daughter will not be abusive to her child. She wasn't raised that way. Although my grandparents were wonderful to me, they enabled my mother to be irresponsible. I will not enable my daughter to be that way with her child.
I think there is a very fine line between being supportive and being an enabler. I am determined not to cross it.
Just today, she did call me to get me to make her doctor appointment for her. I told her she needed to do it. Guess what? She did. She then asked me if I would go with them to the first one. If they want me there, I will be there.
I'm going to need a lot of advice on the right and wrong things to do to be supportive without crossing the line, so stay tuned for plenty of questions for opinions
Personally, I wouldn't go to the appointment with her. She will interpret this as support for what she has done/is doing. In her mind, this proves "you are slowly coming along" and one day will even be happy about her actions.
I probably would provide transportation to the appointment if she had no other way of getting there.
I agree you shouldn't enable her. Where I disagree is over the concept of "support". I think supporting someone in a situation like this means speaking up loudly and telling them when you think they've made the wrong decision. I think keeping a child at a young age and having a relationship with someone you aren't married too is a bad choice. I would tell her clearly that I couldn't support that.
I do sympathize with you and I see the ways that this tears at a good person. You love your daughter. Yet, I see so many of these situations as a train wreck. In the past, there was more room in America for people like this. Obtaining education and job skills was less critical to earning a decent living.
I will say a prayer that your daughter and her child don't end up needing medicaid, TANF, housing assistance, and food stamps all paid for by other hard working people who didn't contribute to this problem.
It sounds like they've made up their minds. They're having the baby and moving in together. No point in the grandmother not showing her excitement about the impending birth.
She sounds like she's letting them have their space, but the daughter ASKED her to go with her to her ultrasound, which is a clear indicator to me that she wants the grandmother to be just as excited and "in love" with that baby as she is becoming.
There's every point.
The OP has other children in the house, the OP does not have the time, room or the means to take over should the daughter drop the ball.
There's undue extra pressure on these very young people to commit to being parents if their parents start acting like the only choice is to keep the baby. It's not their only choice, and won't be for quite a while.
This is not the OP's pregnancy. The prospective parents need to deal with this by going to the doctors and letting the REALITY of the situation sink in. And the reality is that it's not the OP's job to get excited about no education, sleepless nights, and a life long Baby Daddy.
The OP has other children in the house, the OP does not have the time, room or the means to take over should the daughter drop the ball.
There's undue extra pressure on these very young people to commit to being parents if their parents start acting like the only choice is to keep the baby. It's not their only choice, and won't be for quite a while.
This is not the OP's pregnancy. The prospective parents need to deal with this by going to the doctors and letting the REALITY of the situation sink in. And the reality is that it's not the OP's job to get excited about no education, sleepless nights, and a life long Baby Daddy.
This. The time to get excited to become a grandma is reserved for a time when it is best for baby and parents to be a family.
This. The time to get excited to become a grandma is reserved for a time when it is best for baby and parents to be a family.
Moderator Cut.
Just because some people choose to infantilize their adult children doesn't mean everyone does.
By every legal measure, these young people ARE adults. Old enough to vote, old enough to enlist in the military, old enough to sign legal contracts.
I wonder, does it occur to anyone that young adults are remaining child-like longer now because of attitudes like the above?
Last edited by Jaded; 09-12-2013 at 05:57 PM..
Reason: Flaming
Just because some people choose to infantilize their adult children doesn't mean everyone does.
By every legal measure, these young people ARE adults. Old enough to vote, old enough to enlist in the military, old enough to sign legal contracts.
I wonder, does it occur to anyone that young adults are remaining child-like longer now because of attitudes like the above?
Then let them to it, in my opinion. Many people on here are advocating a half way measure between treating her like a child and an adult.
The OP has other children in the house, the OP does not have the time, room or the means to take over should the daughter drop the ball.
There's undue extra pressure on these very young people to commit to being parents if their parents start acting like the only choice is to keep the baby. It's not their only choice, and won't be for quite a while.
This is not the OP's pregnancy. The prospective parents need to deal with this by going to the doctors and letting the REALITY of the situation sink in. And the reality is that it's not the OP's job to get excited about no education, sleepless nights, and a life long Baby Daddy.
Also, unless (or until) adoption is absolutely off the table, I would be careful about rushing into the doting grandma role.
Just because some people choose to infantilize their adult children doesn't mean everyone does.
By every legal measure, these young people ARE adults. Old enough to vote, old enough to enlist in the military, old enough to sign legal contracts.
I wonder, does it occur to anyone that young adults are remaining child-like longer now because of attitudes like the above?
The daughter lives at home and shares a room with her younger sister.
My mom had me when she was 19. Her and my father's marriage lasted about 4 months.
I went to my grandma's house every day after school and spent all summer with her and/or my aunt until I was 11 or so. The odds that the OP is not going to get left literally holding the baby while her daughter either works, goes to school, or both, are very slim.
I realize not everyone's situation is the same as mine. But I know for a fact my mother heavily resented the life she thinks she missed out on. That s not something to dismiss nor take lightly, as a very real and probable side effect of having a very young single person as your parent.
Last edited by Jaded; 09-12-2013 at 05:58 PM..
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