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My daughter is 19 and just told me she's pregnant. ....... What to do?
Wait until you get over the shock before you make any decisions. Or say something you'll later regret. People can say horrible things to each other when they're under emotional distress. Things they can never take back. These are the moments things just pop out of our mouths.
Deep breaths. If she "just" told you you're still in shock. (Anyone would be. That's a big chuck of news to process.) That will pass and you'll be able to see things more clearly. Give yourself a cool-down period. And make sure she knows you love her no matter what. That's the biggest gift you can give her and she needs that right now.
Think very carefully before you start pushing marriage. Pregnancy is no reason to get married. Most teen marriages don't last. She needs to make this decision fully informed that she will likely be responsible for raising this child by herself as a single mother. Sitting down with him and his parents will give her the false belief that she will be raising this child for 18 years with this boyfriend. She needs to understand the odds are that she is in this on her own.
My children have quite a few friends who had babies young. They all started out thinking it would be wonderful and they would be together. None of them are together. Few of them lasted the first year. There was so damn much drama that babies shouldn't be put through.
Then there is friend whose girlfriend is currently pregnant. He does not want her living with him. He has no intentions whatsoever of her living with him once the baby is born. He fully intends to provide financially and raise the child as if they are divorced parents with joint custody. He has been straight and honest with her about his intentions. But she remains in la la land and clings to him like a puppy dog. She stalks him and calls him constantly. I can't imagine why her parents haven't told her to stop being so damn desperate and accept the fact she is going to be a single mother.
She didn't use the birth control. That's the point.
As a parent, I wanted it known that my head wasn't in the sand thinking they weren't having sex.
I simply can't bring myself to tell her that we will not allow her to live with the baby here. As I said, I still have other kids of mine that I'm raising. She shares a room with her one sister and there is no extra bedroom for her to go in with a baby. It wouldn't be fair to her sister to have a baby waking up at night while she's trying to sleep for school.
I feel so bad for the baby too. I'm torn.
I can understand that you are torn, however, you daughter should have thought about that before she stopped taking birth control. What she did was selfish, now she will have to pay the consequences for her actions. I agree with your husband, I wouldn't let her live in my house either. She's an adult now, it's time for her to start acting like it.
I think they should get married and if not, he should have partial custody of the child. Both parents need to work, it is not just the boys responsibility.
Curiously though, if you already pay her bills, why would you stop now? While I imagine I can understand her not being able to live with you due to space constraints, I don't see why this would alter what you have already been doing anyway.
OP is also doing this in a family setting as opposed to the daughter living elsewhere. While I am sure OP can still afford a plate of food for her daughter look at some other factors. The daughter most likely will have to sit out college for a semester so she will no longer be insurable. Who will pay for well baby checks, immunizations, etc?
I personally don't believe in abortion for myself so I couldn't imagine coaxing my own into doing it. Adoption is an option but I've been reading a lot of stories about angry adoptees wanting to know their birth parents for various reasons.
I say hard sell the military option. He needs to marry her before he leaves for boot camp so that she (and the child) is eligible for his benefits. Since he already has college credits he most likely will start at a slightly higher rank. Once they can live together (after boot camp and A School) and she has the child she needs to start back with her own education. Once she has completed that her now husband will have the opportunity to leave the military once his tour is up or he could even apply to become an officer and even complete his own education.
Good luck. I do not envy you.
Oh, and btw I completed my own college education as a single mother. It's not an easy task but it is doable.
Depends on the degree really. There are several A.A. degrees that can give a good living after you leave school.
Oh, of course there are AA degrees, or even certifications from 2 year colleges that you can make a decent living off of. But the OP was specifically talking about her daughter getting a teaching degree, which she would have to get by finishing up at a 4 year college. She could become a preschool teacher through a 2 year program, but since she has already started her second to last semester it would be pointless to start over now. She could get the degree she wants in about the same amount of time.
My daughter is 19 and just told me she's pregnant. I've gotten her birth control for the past two years. I've paid for it, ordered it and handed it to her.
I do not support the decision to have this baby. The boys parents are happy for them. I like the kid but neither of them are through with their schooling. I still have two kids other than her to raise. My husband and I do not want to raise another. What to do?
Well, since she is 19, she is an adult.
I suggest you discuss with her how she is going to support her child and where she is going to be living. If she is going to raise this child, she better learn how to do it as an adult because otherwise *YOU* are going to get roped into doing it.
The best thing you could do would be to convince her to adopt it out. The child will have an infinitely better life if she does.
OP is also doing this in a family setting as opposed to the daughter living elsewhere. While I am sure OP can still afford a plate of food for her daughter look at some other factors. The daughter most likely will have to sit out college for a semester so she will no longer be insurable. Who will pay for well baby checks, immunizations, etc?
I personally don't believe in abortion for myself so I couldn't imagine coaxing my own into doing it. Adoption is an option but I've been reading a lot of stories about angry adoptees wanting to know their birth parents for various reasons.
I say hard sell the military option. He needs to marry her before he leaves for boot camp so that she (and the child) is eligible for his benefits. Since he already has college credits he most likely will start at a slightly higher rank. Once they can live together (after boot camp and A School) and she has the child she needs to start back with her own education. Once she has completed that her now husband will have the opportunity to leave the military once his tour is up or he could even apply to become an officer and even complete his own education.
Good luck. I do not envy you.
Oh, and btw I completed my own college education as a single mother. It's not an easy task but it is doable.
Why would she have to sit out for a semester? My friend aly's baby had a crud load of medical issues, and she kept going. She would also be covered until she was 26. I'm pretty sure that college doesn't factor in with that anymore, but I'm not 100 percent. Regardless, she would still get medicaid if she was dropped.
Think very carefully before you start pushing marriage. Pregnancy is no reason to get married. Most teen marriages don't last. She needs to make this decision fully informed that she will likely be responsible for raising this child by herself as a single mother. Sitting down with him and his parents will give her the false belief that she will be raising this child for 18 years with this boyfriend. She needs to understand the odds are that she is in this on her own.
My children have quite a few friends who had babies young. They all started out thinking it would be wonderful and they would be together. None of them are together. Few of them lasted the first year. There was so damn much drama that babies shouldn't be put through.
Then there is friend whose girlfriend is currently pregnant. He does not want her living with him. He has no intentions whatsoever of her living with him once the baby is born. He fully intends to provide financially and raise the child as if they are divorced parents with joint custody. He has been straight and honest with her about his intentions. But she remains in la la land and clings to him like a puppy dog. She stalks him and calls him constantly. I can't imagine why her parents haven't told her to stop being so damn desperate and accept the fact she is going to be a single mother.
I agree! That idea of getting married just because a teen became pregnant went out 40 years ago .
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