Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I was thinking about some of the posts that said that the kid will have whatever personality he will have and at first thought I disagreed. Then I thought about it awhile and realized that I couldn't be more different from all of my family than I am. What guardians CAN teach a child though is integrity and most other morals.
FWIW the only thing about being a man you can teach is that being a man means having integrity and doing the right thing even if it's unpopular. Following the crowd to fit in is not very manly. Teach him to be independent...it sounds like he is on his way there...he does what he likes without care of others judging him.
After all you don't want to raise a child to be miserable because they feel they must buy/wear/say/do certain things because it's the currently "COOL" thing to do....teach him to be stronger than that!
If you show that you accept him for what he is and teach him to be confident in himself, you will have manned him up...
Being a man isn't about:
How strong you are
How physically tough you are
How many beers you can drink
How much of a bully you are
Being a man (or woman for that matter) is about:
A toughness of spirit in the direction of good
Independence
Integrity
Kindness to the lessor and respect for the greater
You're just the BF. Your relationship with him is nothing more then, say, one of his classmates. Until a ring goes on his mother's finger, and you agree to all the responsibilities that go with it, you are simply a casual acquaintance. And by the way, before you even consider marrying his mother, you will have to accept him for what he is, no matter what he is. As a kid, he's way more a part of her then you'll ever be, 'til say, 10 yrs into a successful marriage. Keep that in mind.
Ya know, I used to skip home from school simply because I discovered it was way faster then walking and without much added exertion. Try it sometime. The elasticity of those tendons can actually perform work.
I'm back with a different questions for you folks. Some may be familiar with my family situation from a previous thread I started last week but for those that aren't here is a brief rundown.
My GF has a son, Robert, who is 7 years old. She has raised him all his life with no male authority figure in his life until I came into his life 2 years ago. I knew it would be a difficult situation since the first day I met him because he was so different from my own son who is 2 years younger. I had raised my son to be your average boy which meant he liked cars, playing in the dirt, shooting toy guns, playing sports etc. I never babied him if he ever tripped and fell. I would just tell him to get up and walk it off. He loves all things boys love. Loves light sabers and Star Wars. Loves working with me on cars. Loves shooting his Nerf guns. Loves playing ball....all your average boy things.
Robert, on the other hand, is very sensitive. Of course this is probably due to the fact that he was raised by mom and no other guys were ever around. It was always mom so therefore mom probably babied him more than she should have as as a result he's afraid and nervous of darn near anything. He's afraid of cowboys. He cringes and hides when any kind of action/fight scenes happen in a movie. He's very shy and won't play with other kids at the playground whereas Andrew is a social butterfly and will go up to and talk to anyone and everyone.
So ever since I became a part of his life and his first male authority figure I have been doing my best to try and get him to come out of his shell and not be so afraid of everything. He cries easily and is very sensitive so I am really at a loss. My GF thinks it's normal for him to be the way he is and I have to disagree although I do know that every child is different but I had to at least try and get him to be a bit more "normal".
I'm just worried that if he continues being the way he is that he will become a natural target for bullies when he gets a little older. Luckily we live in a small mountain town that doesn't have that many kids but bullies exist everywhere.
His latest thing that is driving me absolutely crazy and I can't get him to stop is his constant skipping and prancing. Seriously, he doesn't walk anymore. He skips and prances everywhere we go and at first it was funny but not so much anymore and I even asked him if other kids in his class skipped and he says he's the only one. Maybe I should enroll him in a dance class, I don't know. He was even doing the skipping on the last little hike we did and of course he tripped on something and fell. Told him it wouldn't have happened if he were walking like everyone else but he didn't pay attention and just kept right on skipping.
I know I probably sound way too critical of a 7 year old but if I didn't care about him then I wouldn't care what he did or how he acted but the fact is that I do care and that is why I'm trying to do what I can to help.
What can I do?
LEAVE HIM ALONE.
Mommy's new bf is telling me the way I am is wrong and needs to change? Are you serious? You're just some guy getting in his face and his zone and his home and his (obviously, desperate and clingy) mother's pants. You have no rights at all to attempt such things!
Please.....who are you do judge? Back off and let him be what he is. A child.
Don't justify your attempts to control the kid with "but it's for his own good". It's not. Being loved for who he is is what's good for him, not judged and told he should change.
He probably doesn't want to be anything like you anyway. My mother's boyfriends were like gnats, another one will be along in a minute, just another one having his say on things that had zero to do with him.
Way to be a positive role model...NOT.
Last edited by cindersslipper; 09-15-2013 at 02:49 PM..
Way too early to be trying to "man up" a boy -- if there's even ever a right time. Good grief. Let him be a child! Let him skip! Let him chase butterflies! Let him wave fairy wands and wear "girly" Halloween costumes! Who cares???
My DD (11) is a tomboy who refuses to wear skirts or anything feminine and plays Xbox with her guy buddies. But I can see the adolescent girl anxieties starting in her (she just started shaving her legs and now I don't have to fight to get her to take a shower every day). I have not wanted to rush to get to this particular growth stage, believe me, and so I've been fine with her jeans and hoodies for years.
My DS (8) is a loving, caring, flighty mama's boy who does all of the above in the first paragraph, and is a delight to be around. He grew his hair so long over the summer that he could wear it in a pony tail. Then it was school time, he cut off all the hair and got into his "manly" boy's Catholic school uniform and it seems like he grew six inches in a month. Sigh.
I don't want my kids to grow up too fast and so I love these moments -- why would I try to hurry them to adulthood? It's heartbreakingly sweet to watch them enjoy being who and what they want to be at any given moment, without worrying about who they're supposed to be.
If you are concerned with him being bullied the best thing that you can do is build up his confidence in who he is, not try and change who he is. Bullies are everywhere, even rough and tough boys can be bullied, and the last thing you want is for him to turn into a bully himself.
If he is confident with himself and has adults in his life that support him and adore him for who he is, then he will have the confidence to ignore the bullies or stand up to them (with words, not punches.)
Interesting observation that I noticed is a few of you who thinks I am NOTHING to the child because I am just a boyfriend and have not married his mother.
I'd like to point out that both the mother and I have the same views on marriage. It's a stupid, silly ancient tradition that means NOTHING. We don't need a piece of shiny metal on a finger with shiny rocks and a piece of paper to mean we are commited to each other. It's just a stupid legal contract that means nothing. I was married once before and the wife ran off with some other guy because she felt she couldn't handle the domestic lifestyle with husband and child. So much for those stupid wedding vows right? Marriage means NOTHING.
I may ONLY be the boyfriend, as some of you love to point out, but I am also the sole provider for this family. I am the one that pays all the bills, puts food on the table, takes the family out at least once a week for some family fun time adventure. I help them with their homework, I give them their baths, I wash their clothes, I sit and watch their cartoons with them. You guys make me seem like I am some careless caveman that just goes around being a bully and does nothing else. I'm really amazed how quickly some of you can judge others without knowing anything about them. I only brought this up on the board because I wanted some feedback to see if this was normal behavior and get some positive suggestions on what I can do but instead I get attacked for just being a boyfriend and for not really mattering in his life since I am not his biological father.
I don't have control issues and I am not a bully. I'm just a first time parents trying to deal with an issue I am at a loss for. Sorry I don't know everything but it is what it is. Apparently the best course of action is to just ignore it and see what happens when he starts getting picked on later in life. At least I tried to do something.
Is your drivers license just a piece of paper? Your contracting, medical, accounting, etc licence, SS#, the deed to your car, the deed to your house, your college degrees, your tax returns, x, y, z? Some people shyte on those things to, but it doesn't make them meaningless. The reality is that you are playing house, even if you are paying for everything and are good intentioned. People like to balk at the heavy divorce statistics citing 30-50%, but the likelihood of live-in's to break up is close to 90-100%. That's all fine and well, but it's not good for children.
I think it's strange though that you seem to think that your only choices for interaction with this child are berating him for being a sissy or ignoring him. The best way to keep him from being bullied is to help him feel happy and confident about who he is. Let him know that you'll be there for him no matter what. Tell him with your words and actions that he's a worthwhile child who deserves to be loved and treated well.
You came here seeking advice and almost every single person has told you the same thing: love him the way he is. You say you're not a bully or a controlling. No one on C-D wii ever know if that's true or not, but Robert will.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
