Should I give up on trying to "man up" a 7 year old? (party, legal)

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by Braunwyn

Is your drivers license just a piece of paper? Your contracting, medical, accounting, etc licence, SS#, the deed to your car, the deed to your house, your college degrees, your tax returns, x, y, z? Some people shyte on those things to, but it doesn't make them meaningless. The reality is that you are playing house, even if you are paying for everything and are good intentioned. People like to balk at the heavy divorce statistics citing 30-50%, but the likelihood of live-in's to break up is close to 90-100%. That's all fine and well, but it's not good for children.

I've tried not to say it because it's not PC nowadays, but I have to....

Our OP should forget about "trying to man up" the 7 year old and just man up himself and marry Robert's mom.

He doesn't seem to get that children learn by example, so the adults around them need to LEAD by example.

Man up MountainGuy.

[canewbie]

Your heart may be in the right place but being harsh and criticizing him will not get you where you want to go, as it seems you now know. Accept him for who he is and show him how to be a man by being a great role model. There are no short cuts. Kids skip when they are happy and feeling free. It is a great sign that he felt that way on the hike. Kids often drag their feet when they get tired. Men rarely skip or drag their feet on hikes because it leads to tripping. If you hike with him often, he will learn by watching you that skipping on a hike or dragging feet are not great ideas. No criticism needed. Just like he is learning from watching you how to treat those he cares about and those who are weaker than him. Just be a good role model. That is it. The golden rule of parenting. Also don't say anything to or in front of your child that you would be embarrassed to have him say to a five year old, his teacher, or to a grand parent.

Whatever harshness you direct his way will come back at you ten fold when he is a teen and twenty fold when you are old and grey.

[cindersslipper]

Originally Posted by MountainGuy74

Interesting observation that I noticed is a few of you who thinks I am NOTHING to the child because I am just a boyfriend and have not married his mother.
.

No one ever said this. You are not "nothing", you are his mother's boyfriend Moderator Cut.

Originally Posted by MountainGuy74

I'd like to point out that both the mother and I have the same views on marriage. It's a stupid, silly ancient tradition that means NOTHING. We don't need a piece of shiny metal on a finger with shiny rocks and a piece of paper to mean we are commited to each other. It's just a stupid legal contract that means nothing. I was married once before and the wife ran off with some other guy because she felt she couldn't handle the domestic lifestyle with husband and child. So much for those stupid wedding vows right? Marriage means NOTHING.

.

It's not actually about you.

Originally Posted by MountainGuy74

I may ONLY be the boyfriend, as some of you love to point out, but I am also the sole provider for this family. I am the one that pays all the bills, puts food on the table, takes the family out at least once a week for some family fun time adventure.
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That doesn't mean you get to tell them how to be.

Originally Posted by MountainGuy74

I help them with their homework, I give them their baths, I wash their clothes, I sit and watch their cartoons with them. You guys make me seem like I am some careless caveman that just goes around being a bully and does nothing else.
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We know you do other things too.

Originally Posted by MountainGuy74

I'm really amazed how quickly some of you can judge others without knowing anything about them. I only brought this up on the board because I wanted some feedback to see if this was normal behavior
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On his behalf - YES HE'S A KID. On your behalf - ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Originally Posted by MountainGuy74

and get some positive suggestions on what I can do
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He is not yours to "fix".

Originally Posted by MountainGuy74

but instead I get attacked for just being a boyfriend and for not really mattering in his life since I am not his biological father.
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I never said a word about biology. Fatherhood is earned not a given. I said a lot however, about being a Johnny come lately to a family unit and expecting the members to change who they are to please you, fit into your view of how they should be.

Originally Posted by MountainGuy74

I don't have control issues and I am not a bully
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But you pay for everything and they'd be/have nothing without you so it gives you some rights to be obeyed right?

Originally Posted by MountainGuy74

. I'm just a first time parents trying to deal with an issue I am at a loss for.
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So far, you're not a "first time parent", you are someone's boyfriend who has stepped into the parenting role. An entirely different kettle of fish. The kid was there first. HE doesn't need to fit in, you do.

Originally Posted by MountainGuy74

Sorry I don't know everything but it is what it is. Apparently the best course of action is to just ignore it and see what happens when he starts getting picked
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No, the best course of action is to teach him to be proud of who he is, and to stand up to bullies.

Originally Posted by MountainGuy74

on later in life. At least I tried to do something.

Yes his life is bound to be an utter utter disaster if he doesn't follow your rules.

Come on now. Not controlling? Not much.

[AnnieA]

Originally Posted by hothulamaui

even if you marry the mother you have no business trying to make a 7 year old "man up". if the kid is sensitive, let it alone. that is who he is. being perturbed because the kid was feeling happy enough to be skipping is your problem and one you should seriously look at. the kid was happy. all people are different this includes small children. but out and just be supportive and encouraging to the child. would you want someone to try to change who you are because it doesn't fit who they think you should be?

The OP makes me nervous. I have seen these situations where an alpha male wants to "make a man" out of his own son or a child he has interaction with.....it never ends well. Children are who they are and just because he has not had a male influence, making him man up won't be the way to go in helping him to develop who he is. Accepting him for who he is will go a lot further in your relationship and in gaining his trust and confidence. Sure, he may be spoiled and catered to but lighten up. I would be very nervous on the mothers part in the long term outcome of this situation. Sorry for being blunt but, JMO>

Before my son married his first wife, I told her I would not allow him to treat my daughter the way he did. He was the military type and though I loved him as my son, I could not condone the way he treated this young child. She married him anyway and until she left him a few years later, he made that childs life a hell.

[AnnieA]

To me, the answers are so obvious, someone had to be pulling a leg.....but, then, I have seen a bullying personality up close and personal. I do hope this situation works out for all concerned, especially for the step child and your son.

It is very hard to control anger and resentment sometimes and that is what I see in this relationship. It can so often get out of hand and especially if the mother is dependant and wants the provider to stay around. Try going to the Non Romantic Relationships forum and look under the child abuse thread and see how easily things get out of hand in situations identical to what the OP has posted.

Good luck.

[CSD610]

Originally Posted by MountainGuy74

I'm back with a different questions for you folks. Some may be familiar with my family situation from a previous thread I started last week but for those that aren't here is a brief rundown.

My GF has a son, Robert, who is 7 years old. She has raised him all his life with no male authority figure in his life until I came into his life 2 years ago. I knew it would be a difficult situation since the first day I met him because he was so different from my own son who is 2 years younger. I had raised my son to be your average boy which meant he liked cars, playing in the dirt, shooting toy guns, playing sports etc. I never babied him if he ever tripped and fell. I would just tell him to get up and walk it off. He loves all things boys love. Loves light sabers and Star Wars. Loves working with me on cars. Loves shooting his Nerf guns. Loves playing ball....all your average boy things.

Robert, on the other hand, is very sensitive. Of course this is probably due to the fact that he was raised by mom and no other guys were ever around. It was always mom so therefore mom probably babied him more than she should have as as a result he's afraid and nervous of darn near anything. He's afraid of cowboys. He cringes and hides when any kind of action/fight scenes happen in a movie. He's very shy and won't play with other kids at the playground whereas Andrew is a social butterfly and will go up to and talk to anyone and everyone.

So ever since I became a part of his life and his first male authority figure I have been doing my best to try and get him to come out of his shell and not be so afraid of everything. He cries easily and is very sensitive so I am really at a loss. My GF thinks it's normal for him to be the way he is and I have to disagree although I do know that every child is different but I had to at least try and get him to be a bit more "normal".

I'm just worried that if he continues being the way he is that he will become a natural target for bullies when he gets a little older. Luckily we live in a small mountain town that doesn't have that many kids but bullies exist everywhere.

His latest thing that is driving me absolutely crazy and I can't get him to stop is his constant skipping and prancing. Seriously, he doesn't walk anymore. He skips and prances everywhere we go and at first it was funny but not so much anymore and I even asked him if other kids in his class skipped and he says he's the only one. Maybe I should enroll him in a dance class, I don't know. He was even doing the skipping on the last little hike we did and of course he tripped on something and fell. Told him it wouldn't have happened if he were walking like everyone else but he didn't pay attention and just kept right on skipping.

I know I probably sound way too critical of a 7 year old but if I didn't care about him then I wouldn't care what he did or how he acted but the fact is that I do care and that is why I'm trying to do what I can to help.

What can I do?

You are not helping him at all, he is not your son so he is not like your son and more than likely will never be like your son.

Why would you "man up" (which is a stupid phrase by the way) a child? He is a child who has his own personality and it really does not matter that he was raised by his Mother alone. Children do have their own personalities no matter who raises them.

Leave him alone and let him be the child he is.

[Ceece]

There is more than one way to be a man, let him be his own type.

[Betsey Lane]

Originally Posted by MountainGuy74

Thank you everyone for your comments and input on the situation.

I guess I was wrong in trying to change who he is and will just leave him alone from now on. I realize now that you really can't change anyone and trying to do so is futile and doomed to fail.

Again thanks for everyone's input.

MountainGuy74....read through your entire thread. I applauded you for letting him be, bless you. Glad to know that you've made peace within yourself...and truly, that's all it ever was.

MountainGuy74, see, I too have a "skipper", a ''prancer", and a "flipper" if you will (the child cartwheels and flips just about anywhere, pick a place!) so much so we don't call him by his God-given name. We have re-named him Flipper the Pirate! Flipper because he flips through the house, out on the lawn, out of bed, in bed and Pirate because he's missing some teeth!

Flipper the Pirate is so much like little Robert also, quite sensitive, cries if you yell too loudly at him and would not hurt a fly. Flipper the Pirate is a year older than your young Robert and he's also a twin to his sister who is identical to him in the sensitivity department. They're just who God made them to be and I wouldn't change a thing!

As a parent none of us want to see our children bullied and will go to great lengths to try and train em not to be victims, true? In other words, for me, I was teaching the twins 1. to walk away 2. To enforce the word no, NO! STOP! 3. When all else fails..whup their ass, run and tell the teacher why you did what you did! Yes, in that order. You know what my children told me? Both Pirate and Grandmotha (that's another story, she like to smother and take of everyone)....they said no mommy, we don't want to fight. We don't want to hit anyone. That's who they are! Do you understand? That's the spirit they were given, to be skippers, to be prancers, to smother, to hug....to love! And, I'm happy with that. I'm happy knowing because of this one thing that is sooo great, the ability to love...they'll be just fine, he'll be just fine.

See, my husband and I'm gonna call it like I see it...is homophobic. We are 'island people' and the men have been raised to shun ...how we say it "the batty boy". The sensitivity that he see's in our son, it's like a negative to him; but me, I'm his mama and regardless of the outcome, he's my SON!! My gift, my child...my Flipper the Pirate.

I encourage you to not literally "leave him alone", but to love him, skip with him, flip with him (well I won't recommend this after 40), nurture him, let the little boy cry when he needs to, he'll come into his own in due time. Hell, he may teach you a thing or two MountainGuy74, he may just soften that heart of yours just yet. You know what my babies re-taught me? That we were all made in "his" likeness, created in "his" image and "he" doesn't make mistakes, amen? Again, I applauded you for letting him be, bless you.

Betsey Lane

[somebodynew]

So this thread has a lot of what NOT to do. I am going to go with what TO do. The expression "man up" has a bad connotation. But I am going to assume that that is ME reflecting poorly on what you mean. I am going to assume what is likely the case, that you want to expose this young person to someone of the same gender in a positive way.

You talk about having no male authority figure. Would you be able, instead, to provide him with a male role model? Authority is a sticky wicked. It is only really effective when it is given to you rather than when you try to assume the role. Instead of trying to get him to be something or do something other than he is currently, by your actions show him. It is slow, but it works.

When you are together, you can make calm quiet comments, if you wish. I remember my son busting out into tears one time when he barely injured himself. I said Hey, you are a kid now. But you know what? Some day you are going to suffer these little ouches without an ouch. He was really surprised. I was like, yeah, do you see Dad and I breaking out in tears? There was no criticism of his current crying. Just quiet assurance that when he is ready, he will join the rank of big kids who can handle his ouches with a little more calm.

The best thing you can do for his nervous shyness is enCOURAGEment. Look at that word so you know what I mean. I don't mean happy bull**** praise. But help him gain his own courage. I don't know how much you hang on this board. But if you do at all, you are sick to death of my touting the crucial c's. (Adler's Take on Relationship Games: The Crucial Cs - google for more.) Each person, especially children, have basic emotional needs. One of them is the courage to face situations, especially new ones. There are a zillion ways we accidentally squish kid's courage and courage's mate capability. By doing things for them, we accidentally send the message, you cannot do this yourself.... So for you, when you do things, you can show him, the hammer is used like this. But when he struggles, you just say, hey you can do it buddy. If you don't master it today, you will master it another day. This I have no doubt. Even if he does not get it right away, if you guide him to continue trying, he will. (Assuming you are not having him build the Brooklyn Bridge! ) And then he has his capability and his courage buttressed with a healthy does of resilience thrown in for good measure,.

Questions are your friend. They beat assertions hands down most of the time. What do you think we need to do to begin our tree house? Reflexive statements followed by a question can also help. Oh man, I would not have liked having a kid pick on me at school. I'll bet you can figure out how to handle this so he never bothers you again. What do you think you could do so that he won't want to do that again? As long as you can keep asking him with questions until HE comes up with the solution, with maybe some hmmm if you did that I would be concerned that this might happen to direct him past the crap solutions (there will be plenty discussing laser beams and other flights of fantasty...)

But you know what the number one thing you can do to model how to me a man? Play with him. Love who he is.

[The Postman]

You need to get out of the 1950s, dude. If you're afraid he's going to grow up gay because he's raised by a single mother than maybe...I won't go there. Just let him be him. Skipping is sorta weird, but hey, maybe he's just a little quirky, nothing wrong with that.