To pull my child from college or not (punishment, parent, son)
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I would definitely intervene. I think kids should fight their own fights but this is different. You are paying for his education and lifestyle and she is obviously taking advantage of that by mooching meals and driving his car. She probably doesn't believe you'll do anything about it because, it seems, her parents don't. I think you are right about keeping him home for a semester to get help with this. Some people wake up one day and realize they don't want to spend their lives with a person like this but most people in these just move onto another person with the same controlling tendencies. So seeking help is wise. I would not recommend sending him back to the same school if she is still there. After just one semester it would probably just start up again. I hope it all works out and please update about how it goes.
I had a friend whose sister had huge issues her first semester at an Ivy college and they did not really step in and now her life is a HUGE mess. I think if they had given guidance when it was needed her road would have been different.
Also I would be extremely diligent about getting this nipped in the bud right away. She is the type to deliberately get pregnant thinking she can trap him for life. She is unbalanced and this boy will be so far in over his head if a child is in the picture. Do something Monday.
No Kudzu nailed it. See what options there are for your son through the school, etc and do something SOON! You run the risk of splitting them up and driving them together. I'm sure your son isn't happy, and might be thinking with his you-know-what, but your his parent and not his friend. He might hate you for awhile, but who cares? He'll thank you later. do something sooner than later
If it were your daughter staying with an abusive boyfriend on meds who took her car and wouldn't let her talk to you without him being there and got angry and left scars, it would be a far more common story. The truth is it happens the other way around, just not as often.
You have to remove him from the situation. Talk with his college/University and see if he can take some time off. See if he can move to another campus they have if that is possible. Here are some thoughts.
1. Send him on a trip or a semester abroad.
2. Switch campuses/university
3. Stop paying for his school if he doesn't stop seeing her/ pay for an apartment in your town
4. Require that he attend counseling
Yes she has been diagnosed as having BPD, she threatened suicide the last time my son broke up with her and he went back. I fear she'll freak out one day and really hurt him, she has no self control whe she's in an emotional state. Just taking meds is not enough she should be in therapy. I'm going to call her parents after I get my son home and safely away from her.
Thank you all I am convinced now I'm doing the righ thing by bringing him home. Your opinions and info has been great and he's got a flight home on next Sunday. I will tell him the bad news once he is here, that it's not just for the 1week break but indefinetly until he is in a better place. I will have to send someone to pick up his stuff but he'll be home! Then the real work starts, I'm not sure how to keep him from talking to her that's going to be hard, I'm praying he'll be relieved, and welcome the peace and chance to strengthen himself and learn from this, I just hope he doesn't become severely depressed about it all and actually tries to benefit from what I'm trying to do for him! Thanks again and I'll keep updating, maybe it will help someone else in the future with a similar problem!
I know someone whose depressed daughter "fell in love" with a bi-polar borderline. He provides all the drama a shy girl with the desire to "save" sad cases could possibly want. Her parents tried to separate them and when daughter finally agreed to leave, just temporarily, boyfriend attempted suicide in front of her. So she stayed AND HAD A BABY. So what's the next step the parents took? All three are now living with them because the young couple can't support themselves (with their complementary disorders raging unabated) and daughter threatens to go far away and take their grandchild if they try to separate her from the man who "can't live without her."
I'm only telling you this so you tread VERY CAREFULLY and recognize the severity of this situation. Borderlines take emotional hostages and they don't let them go without a fight. Anything you can do to separate them while your son gets some intensive therapy for himself (if he wasn't depressed before he met this girl, he is now). Do whatever you would do if your son was addicted to a drug or had joined a cult.
But try to keep your feelings about the girlfriend to yourself. If you make her the villain (even if she is), he will defend her and she will retaliate by clinging to him more desperately. He is her meal ticket. Literally. And the play toy that feeds her illness. It is VERY stressful to be the hostage of a borderline. Focus on the fact that your son is suffering from stress-induced depression. How about taking the approach that you are offering him shelter and help to get himself sorted out and that you will not argue if he decides to go back to her after he's had some treatment (therapy and anti-depressants)? If he feels better about himself, and has some positive experiences outside this closed circle she has enmeshed him in, she will not look so attractive to him. He desperately needs to know he has options. She makes him believe she is his one and only reason to exist.
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