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If it were me, I would be leaning toward "B". That way the decision is completely his own. He would have to figure out the money angle just like an adult would and have to decide if he wants to work and start paying his own way like an adult.
That way the decision is all his. You wouldn't need to worry then that you'd be controlling or emasculating him. He would be able to think and decide if this relationship is worth him having to work two jobs to afford living there and paying tuition and everything else.
It seems like the smartest choice, I hear that, and when you say it it sounds so simple, but to follow through with letting him go and potentially end up on the streets is so frightening. He's such a good person if I ask him to stay for his own good he probably would and be really sad about it, he has never be defiant or anything, I just want to be sure it's that right solution!
Maybe giving him all the option, but not one that includes returning right away and if he still chooses to return, then, I tell him it would have to be without our financial support
we would be there for him for everything else. This way I don't have to use that option as a threat, as if to say if you go back the it's on you, that may make him defensive and actually choose that one maybe idk!
If it were me, I would be leaning toward "B". That way the decision is completely his own. He would have to figure out the money angle just like an adult would and have to decide if he wants to work and start paying his own way like an adult.
That way the decision is all his. You wouldn't need to worry then that you'd be controlling or emasculating him. He would be able to think and decide if this relationship is worth him having to work two jobs to afford living there and paying tuition and everything else.
Age has to do with legal adulthood not emotional, behaviors. More American males are still "children" in their behavior. Young males are as likely to make life changing negative decisions as competent adult ones.
If it were me, I would be leaning toward "B". That way the decision is completely his own. He would have to figure out the money angle just like an adult would and have to decide if he wants to work and start paying his own way like an adult.
That way the decision is all his. You wouldn't need to worry then that you'd be controlling or emasculating him. He would be able to think and decide if this relationship is worth him having to work two jobs to afford living there and paying tuition and everything else.
Don't be fooled with the above advice, Tcell. This isn't about making him be a financially independent adult just because he won't do exactly what you tell him. This is saving a victim of an abusive relationship. He's not a drug addict who needs tough love. With option "B," it's most likely he will DROP OUT OF SCHOOL and move in with her like she keeps telling him to do. You're trying to save him from a bad relationship, not push him further into it. It's very likely your son won't be motivated by the financial aspect.
Of your B & C, I don't think either will realistically get him away from her. He's not going to get out of her grasp if he continues at the same school regardless of any rules and restrictions and counseling you require of him while he's there. But you need to find a way for him to make the decision for himself.
Don't be fooled with the above advice, Tcell. This isn't about making him be a financially independent adult just because he won't do exactly what you tell him. This is saving a victim of an abusive relationship. He's not a drug addict who needs tough love. With option "B," it's most likely he will DROP OUT OF SCHOOL and move in with her like she keeps telling him to do. You're trying to save him from a bad relationship, not push him further into it. It's very likely your son won't be motivated by the financial aspect.
Of your A, B & C, I don't think any will realistically get him away from her. D is he transfers to a new school. He's not going to get out of her grasp if he continues at the same school regardless of any rules and restrictions and counseling you require of him while he's there. But you need to find a way for him to make the decision for himself.
That's what the specialized psychologist said that even with therapy and staying home for a semester, if she's still there anywhere in that area, he can not go back! It's so drastic but she is suppose to be one of the better ones in this specific field. I wonder though if I'm over dramatizing out of fear and somehow persuading the answer I want to hear, then something else happens and I'm reminded that I am not!
If it were me, I would be leaning toward "B". That way the decision is completely his own. He would have to figure out the money angle just like an adult would and have to decide if he wants to work and start paying his own way like an adult.
That way the decision is all his. You wouldn't need to worry then that you'd be controlling or emasculating him. He would be able to think and decide if this relationship is worth him having to work two jobs to afford living there and paying tuition and everything else.
The thing is that he is emotionally damaged. He needs help getting himself healthy. I don't think the OP sounds terribly controlling. She sounds concerned. This is not a typical case where the mother just doesn't like her adult child's choice of mate. This is a case where her son has been damaged and is in danger.
The OP does not want him to consider whether the relationship is "worth it". She wants to get him to realize how dysfunctional his life has become. It is not about money, jobs or what he can/cannot afford. If he suddenly came into a huge amount of money so that he could pay for everything himself the OP would still need to find a way to get him emotionally healthy.
That's what the specialized psychologist said that even with therapy and staying home for a semester, if she's still there anywhere in that area, he can not go back! It's so drastic but she is suppose to be one of the better ones in this specific field. I wonder though if I'm over dramatizing out of fear and somehow persuading the answer I want to hear, then something else happens and I'm reminded that I am not!
You're not going to motivate him with financial threats. It will backfire. He's 19. He's had a taste of freedom. He's having sex. He's drinking. He's doing what college students do. He's in a bad relationship with a girl who has already dropped out of school and is living on her own somehow and encouraging him to do the same. You have an uphill battle convincing him to come back home where there is zero freedom. That's why I'm telling you to forget about everything else (where he's sleeping, that he's drinking, etc.). If you get on his back about that stuff, you'll be just reminding him of how he won't have freedom back at home.
Ask him about the relationship and LISTEN. Don't talk. Don't give opinions. Ask questions and listen to his answers. Avoid putting him on the defensive. If he feels safe talking, you might get somewhere. You can't even begin to make plans without hearing him out.
The thing is that he is emotionally damaged. He needs help getting himself healthy. I don't think the OP sounds terribly controlling. She sounds concerned. This is not a typical case where the mother just doesn't like her adult child's choice of mate. This is a case where her son has been damaged and is in danger.
The OP does not want him to consider whether the relationship is "worth it". She wants to get him to realize how dysfunctional his life has become. It is not about money, jobs or what he can/cannot afford. If he suddenly came into a huge amount of money so that he could pay for everything himself the OP would still need to find a way to get him emotionally healthy.
Not everything is about money.
Yes, this is very correct! He's always been given a lot of say so over his own personal choices and I have always said what would you like me to do, how can I help you, with different situations throughout his life, some he handled on his own and some he needed help. His restriction or guidance was generally age appropriate and of safety concerns, as well as moral and ethical issues. Perhaps he was a little shelter and over loved but never controlled, I didn't have to he has always seemed to make good decision and hardly need any discipline at all, only guidance and tools. He's really a good nice person. I've always tried to get him to be more opinionated and assertive, it would be easier if he would have been confrontational and argumentative, that can be healthy, to some degree, but that was never the case, it's just also part of his make up that keeps him in this situation and he really needs help for that for future relationship, love and work!
Ok so I'm hearing all of you that are saying I am to involved and that he is an adult etc, so I leave him there to be damaged and perhaps hurt or killed, and pay for that? It's the same question I have asked more than once but I'm not getting a specific answer. If I don't keep him home and I let him return without my support to what he has nothing to support himself with! He won't be able to go to school etc, and if I let him go back and continue to support him then I'm paying for him to be there and continue to be in this volatile situation so partly contributing and enabling him to be in this mental and physical abuse.
And the whole sleeping every night at her place, basically living with her, is against our wishes, it's wrong, let alone allows her more control over him and ability to mentally control, isolate him and brainwash him. And the bank statement well of course I monitor his spending it's our money, and I don't want him buying her food, clothes etc, so she can continue to have more ability to hurt him and we worked hard to save money for him to go to college but not for her to spend it and hurt him in the process.
It doesn't feel right because you know it's not the right solution for the problem with your son, who you know MUCH better than we do.
Tuition costs and "manhood" are corollaries to the main problem. Not even a consideration.
If it were MY son, his one and only option would be home for the semester with weekly therapy. After that? We'll see.
I've lived an eerily similar situation with my next-door neighbor and her 18-year-old son who had a manic, suicidal girlfriend. Five years later, she is but a blip on the radar of his past.
Don't waver. Once he gets home, you have to be sure of your priority.
It is not about money, jobs or what he can/cannot afford. If he suddenly came into a huge amount of money so that he could pay for everything himself the OP would still need to find a way to get him emotionally healthy.
Not everything is about money.
Exactly.
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