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Old 08-19-2014, 12:36 PM
 
Location: SE Michigan
1,213 posts, read 4,240,652 times
Reputation: 674

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And I didn't want my niece to have sleep over due to anxiety about the situation... if I could have won full custody I would have... just it is very hard to undue precedent set for years...

No clue, and I don't expect people to understand without having full picture... but the people in real life who knows first hand (my family and his own family)understand and act accordingly except my teenage daughter....

I truly hope that he does go on with his life and I pray that he finds someone else..... I feel blessed that I was able to extricate myself out of that situation and am devastated that my daughter is apparently choosing to remain there...
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Old 08-19-2014, 12:41 PM
 
Location: SE Michigan
1,213 posts, read 4,240,652 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eddiehaskell View Post
Didn't read every reply, but this sounds right. Maybe he can explain to the daughter that her mom is trying to be involved in her life and how important this relationship can be to both of them.

P.S. - not sure if it's happening, but don't let your daughter play you. I've seen some kids that constantly try to side with one parent when the other has a rule they don't like...this goes back and forth every time they get pissed at one of the parents. It sometimes results in one parent trying to be the good guy and letting them do what they want (thus they spend all if their time with that parent).

Apparently the doctor says even with court order, you can't force a child of her age to do anything.... The police will not physically pick her up and put her in my car. I have to let things play out and she decides on her own that this is better for her.... and she seemed to be coming along until this whole niece sleep over BS... I was venting that as soon as I can get some sort of truce and good feelings between us he plays me... But of course... he's done this for nearly 20 years...
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Old 08-19-2014, 01:44 PM
 
Location: Waxhaw, NC
1,076 posts, read 1,925,077 times
Reputation: 1099
STOP blaming your ex. Think logically. Will blaming him: Stop him from doing what you claim? Make a better relationship with your daughter? Make you happier and less worried? No? Ok then, start being logical. Once you get out of the perpetual mental state of "He is doing this", you can begin to get your life back on track. If he asks you to uphold the same parenting, lay out the ones you agree with and tell him you'll be sure to make these things happen, since you both want whats best for her. If he tries to create a sleepover, have your daughter call her dad and tell him that the niece needs permission from her parents and that since they decided together to plan the sleepover, its his job to put the plan in action (unless your daughter can do that). If he bad mouth's you to her, PROVE HIM WRONG. All your doing (this is based on assumption from your posts) is making yourself look bad. Stop talking. Seriously words are cheap. Your actions send a message, make sure its the message you're trying to send. I'm sure it isn't "Your father is trying to ruin me and that's why you and I cant seem to get along!" but thats the message you're sending and its not going to help this situation at all!

You are the creator of how your life plays out. Stop focusing on him, and things will fall into place. Show her you care, show her you are flexible and loving. Continue living your life. BUT by all means sttooooopppp playing the victim.
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Old 08-19-2014, 02:03 PM
 
2,321 posts, read 2,363,144 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LiLShorty4lyfe View Post
STOP blaming your ex. Think logically. Will blaming him: Stop him from doing what you claim? Make a better relationship with your daughter? Make you happier and less worried? No? Ok then, start being logical. Once you get out of the perpetual mental state of "He is doing this", you can begin to get your life back on track. If he asks you to uphold the same parenting, lay out the ones you agree with and tell him you'll be sure to make these things happen, since you both want whats best for her. If he tries to create a sleepover, have your daughter call her dad and tell him that the niece needs permission from her parents and that since they decided together to plan the sleepover, its his job to put the plan in action (unless your daughter can do that). If he bad mouth's you to her, PROVE HIM WRONG. All your doing (this is based on assumption from your posts) is making yourself look bad. Stop talking. Seriously words are cheap. Your actions send a message, make sure its the message you're trying to send. I'm sure it isn't "Your father is trying to ruin me and that's why you and I cant seem to get along!" but thats the message you're sending and its not going to help this situation at all!

You are the creator of how your life plays out. Stop focusing on him, and things will fall into place. Show her you care, show her you are flexible and loving. Continue living your life. BUT by all means sttooooopppp playing the victim.

This times a hundred!
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Old 08-19-2014, 02:07 PM
 
Location: SE Michigan
1,213 posts, read 4,240,652 times
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You are correct lil shorty.... Complaining is not going to stop him... I just have to prove him wrong... She is still immature... As she grows older and mature she will see for her self...
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Old 08-19-2014, 02:12 PM
 
Location: SE Michigan
1,213 posts, read 4,240,652 times
Reputation: 674
And I guess that answers another question I had... Even though I'm paying close to a grand per month... I should still purchase her school clothes... And new shoes... He refuses to spend money on her school clothes.... Says he will just take her to Goodwill...

Not knocking goodwill... She likes vintage clothes but I am sure she would like new stuff as well. She fully expects to go school shopping... My friends/family say I should refuse unless he spends at least half... Because of her bad attitude...

It seems like conditional love to not buy her clothes because she's acting hurtful and disrespectful.
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Old 08-19-2014, 02:15 PM
 
Location: Waxhaw, NC
1,076 posts, read 1,925,077 times
Reputation: 1099
Quote:
Originally Posted by kcam213 View Post
You are correct lil shorty.... Complaining is not going to stop him... I just have to prove him wrong... She is still immature... As she grows older and mature she will see for her self...
I still hear a lot of he/she. Its YOU. You need to provide a healthy loving relationship with your daughter. You need to ignore the childish antics you feel he's bringing to the table. You need to be a good parent (that includes not talking poorly of her father, and even submitting to some of his reasonable requests)
You need to create or continue your own hobbies. You need to make things fun (within reason- do not buy her love) when your daughter is with you. You need to continue therapy.

You will be better off in the long run if you stop feeling like there is some type of contest to be won. There is no contest. It is your life you're talking about. Stop complaining about how hard things are with your daughter. Do not engage her if she gets snippy or wants to argue. Wait til she's completely cooled off and start from scratch as if the incident never happened. Move on. She doesn't need to see anything for herself with him, you just need to do your motherly duties and stop worrying what the heck goes on over there.
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Old 08-19-2014, 02:16 PM
 
304 posts, read 485,661 times
Reputation: 408
You have to shield yourself from the hurt your child causes you? I don't think so, you have an obligation and can do that when your child is an adult. We as adults have greater capacities to manage your emotions and behaviors than kids, working to have a good relationship with them is on us, not on them.
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Old 08-19-2014, 02:17 PM
 
Location: Waxhaw, NC
1,076 posts, read 1,925,077 times
Reputation: 1099
Quote:
Originally Posted by kcam213 View Post
And I guess that answers another question I had... Even though I'm paying close to a grand per month... I should still purchase her school clothes... And new shoes... He refuses to spend money on her school clothes.... Says he will just take her to Goodwill...

Not knocking goodwill... She likes vintage clothes but I am sure she would like new stuff as well. She fully expects to go school shopping... My friends/family say I should refuse unless he spends at least half... Because of her bad attitude...

It seems like conditional love to not buy her clothes because she's acting hurtful and disrespectful.
The money you pay him is to HELP support her, not TO support her. Yes, you need to buy some clothes. Yes, he needs to also, even if from goodwill. She probably does have a bad attitude, but tbh you do too. Your friends and family have been steering you wrong, telling you to give up on her. For your own mental relief? You'd be relieved if that happened? NO, God I hope not. You need to get back in the game... called YOUR life. Stop playing a game called "I got divorced and I'm bitter".

ETA: There is NO ROOM FOR CONDITIONAL LOVE in this entire thing. A parents love needs to be unconditional. If you don't feel you can achieve that, that's the first thing to discuss with your therapist.

Last edited by LiLShorty4lyfe; 08-19-2014 at 02:28 PM..
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Old 08-19-2014, 02:48 PM
 
218 posts, read 221,318 times
Reputation: 461
Quote:
Originally Posted by kcam213 View Post
thanks for replies.

I am inclined to back off only to protect my own feelings. I am so tired of these games at my emotional expense. But people keep telling me she is my daughter, I owe it to her to fight for her even if she is too young and immature to understand it is for her own good.
She is too young to understand the complexities of divorce. She is trying to get through her own confusing time as a young girl turning into a young woman.

I think you do need to fight. Not only for her, but for you. You have a lifetime with your daughter. This troubled time will pass. You both deserve a life together as mother/daughter. Even if it is contentious right now - tell your daughter she is worth it.

I understand this is very hard for you. And very hurtful. I would not suggest involving the police. I would suggest continuing to offer yourself up for a relationship with her and allow her to accept or decline. Don't force her to visit you.

I would write her letters expressing your feelings for her in a meaningful way. Don't bring up your feelings or the divorce. Don't bad mouth her father. Mostly, write a bunch of chit chat stuff. Tell her what you've been up to, how work is going, etc. Tell her you miss her and love her, but don't guilt her. Include a funny card, cartoon, etc Try to keep it light. Let her feel good when she reads your letters.

Believe me, when she is older she will begin to ferret out what happened, what caused the divorce, etc. She will see you remained there. Think footprints in the sand. She may feel she is walking alone right now, but it will be you carrying her by refusing to leave her side.
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