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I'm early 20s... I was like that when I was a teen. My friends were everything - family sucked.
I think a key might be ... well probably is, communication. A parent can try hard and still it can fail. Depends what the issues are, and how to go about it. If they feel 'boxed in' by the parent, or being bossed around too much, it might be too hard to make much good sincere communication and affection. I don't know anything, so my words might be totally wrong. But maybe humility can really help? The more the child can see the parent 'as a friend' in a sense (which some people will say is a really bad idea, but I don't think so at 15 as long as the parent is strict enough) and if the child can see the parent more as a 'real person', rather than an authority figure, the better things might be.
For all my friends that got along well and close to their mothers through the teenage years - their mothers seemed to show humility and love, showed vulnerability, compassion, stuff like that. They sometimes were strict, but seemed to know when and where to do it - at the same time gave the child a decent degree of freedom - a good authoritative (not authoritarian) balance. They'd often hug and say love you... stuff that was very out of place in my house. The mother usually would be hardworking, working to lower-middle class, and at the same time in the home life understood that family was more important than money.
I don't know, again I'm just rambling and don't necessarily know what I'm talking about.
It's probably best if the child can feel comfortable discussing some personal dilemmas and problems in their life to their parent(s). Most teenagers, perhaps especially teenage males, probably don't have this connection. Their parent(s) in another world in practical terms. Totally out of touch with the reality of their lives.
Keep in mind doing things like walking into his room while IMing is like him interrupting you while you're trying to have an important private conversation. If he's busy talking to friends, then he's busy. If he's doing stuff like online a *lot*, then maybe arrange to chat "15 minutes from now" or something.
Personally I don't think ruining the parent-child relationship is a *good* thing, but that's just me. In what I've witnessed, there is a huge correlation between having a very weak relationship with parents at 14-18, and having a relatively unhappy, lonely, soulless life afterwards. It didn't turn out that way for me, but it did for many others. But it really really depends on the individual. Only the people closely involved can get a good idea of the proper way to go about things, if that is even possible.
Your "rambling" shows a lot of insight that parents need to hear and I thank you for taking the time to share with us some very helpful suggestions and personal experience. You sound like a terrific person and that your parents did a great job raising you.
http://i121.photobucket.com/albums/o207/bicfomh/gg01/hugs/hugs007.gif (broken link)From the bottom of my heart I would like to hug all of you for taking the time to help me through this period. It helps to talk about it just to know others have or are experiencing the same things and how they cope. Thank you everyone. Puffle
Wow, I'm late to the party but better late than never. I am a single parent of 18 years who is experiencing the identical scenario. Because I did everything worked full time, cut the grass, shoveled the snow, parent teacher meetings and my house was the kid hang out my son and I were thick as thieves and I took pride in the fact that he told everyone who would listen that I was his best friend. He was valedictorian of his 8th grade class and during his graduation speech he told everyone in the audience that I was his hero and I cried like a baby. I felt so honored to be his mother and his best friend.
We were both excited when he received a scholarship and became a boarding student at Lake Forest Academy (a private high school). Although he was no longer at home full time, during his freshman and sophmore years we talked on the phone every night and I went to as many football games (he played on the team) and went up to visit him as often as possible. Sometime during his junior year he changed, his grades began to slip, he was angry and he began to treat me like a stranger. He was still my son but it was obvious that I was no longer "his best friend" or somebody that he wanted to be bothered with. Needless to say, I was devastated, since during those 18 years, I had no time to live a life of my own. He is now a freshman in college and I am beginning to understand that he needs his space, his privacy and he is becoming a young man. I realized that he needed a successful black male role model because the one thing I can't teach him is how to be a man. I reached out to a young, successful black attorney I used to work with and asked him to be my son's mentor. He called my son up and invited him to have lunch with him during his winter break. Yesterday they met for lunch and my son is happy that they did and I can't express the relief that I am feeling.
I apologize for rambling but I guess I just wanted to reach out to any other single woman on this board who may be like myself, a single parent whose life has been postponed for the past 18 years, no support system and feeling overwhelmed by the experience and too embarrassed or afraid to ask for help. Reach out to someone you admire, and trust, whether you are a female raising a male child or vice versa. Raising a child alone can be a lonely and scarey experience for you and that child.
Hi Preaching2the choir,
Please know that there is no need to be embarrassed by coming here and asking for help. This site has helped me in so many ways as well as making new friends. From what you have said it sounds like you did your job as a single mom very well..well enough for your son to have high honors in middle school. As you can see from the other posts, this stage that your son is going through seems to be a right of passage from youth to adult which can include much pain and mourning for a parents. Even though everyone says that your child will come back to you, it doesn't really ease the pain you have right now does it? It's up to us to find a way to cope and knowing we are not alone does help me. Have you researched if there are any single parent support groups in your area or maybe at a local church? Connecting with others seems to be something you need and organizations that cater to this will help.
Hi Preaching2the choir,
Please know that there is no need to be embarrassed by coming here and asking for help. This site has helped me in so many ways as well as making new friends. From what you have said it sounds like you did your job as a single mom very well..well enough for your son to have high honors in middle school. As you can see from the other posts, this stage that your son is going through seems to be a right of passage from youth to adult which can include much pain and mourning for a parents. Even though everyone says that your child will come back to you, it doesn't really ease the pain you have right now does it? It's up to us to find a way to cope and knowing we are not alone does help me. Have you researched if there are any single parent support groups in your area or maybe at a local church? Connecting with others seems to be something you need and organizations that cater to this will help.
Not by choice, I have been on my own since the age of 17 which forced me to be strong and independent but at the same my time, my determination to become an independent survivor crippled me in a lot of areas. As a result of my stubborness and determination I developed the habit of internalizing and worrying about everything. Over the years, I developed the idea that asking for help equaled failure and weakness. It has taken me most of my life but I am finally learning that isolation is not a healthy defense mechanism in the avoidance of the possibility of future pain parallel to that I had experienced during my childhood and that there are kind, supportive people in the world such as yourself.
I have not sought any single parent support groups because I am still in the infant phase of reaching out to new people. But I have advanced to the stage of realizing that I am still dealing with old wounds. I do have a small circle of close friends who I have learned to trust and who have become my family over the years and helped me a great deal. Despite all of my issues, my son has turned out to be a wonderful, well mannered, respectful young man who I love with all my heart. After reading your story and the story of many others here, I realize that he is just a typical teen having growing pains and I am experiencing a few growing pains of my own. Thank you so much for your kindness and words of wisdom.
Not by choice, I have been on my own since the age of 17 which forced me to be strong and independent but at the same my time, my determination to become an independent survivor crippled me in a lot of areas. As a result of my stubborness and determination I developed the habit of internalizing and worrying about everything. Over the years, I developed the idea that asking for help equaled failure and weakness. It has taken me most of my life but I am finally learning that isolation is not a healthy defense mechanism in the avoidance of the possibility of future pain parallel to that I had experienced during my childhood and that there are kind, supportive people in the world such as yourself.
I have not sought any single parent support groups because I am still in the infant phase of reaching out to new people. But I have advanced to the stage of realizing that I am still dealing with old wounds. I do have a small circle of close friends who I have learned to trust and who have become my family over the years and helped me a great deal. Despite all of my issues, my son has turned out to be a wonderful, well mannered, respectful young man who I love with all my heart. After reading your story and the story of many others here, I realize that he is just a typical teen having growing pains and I am experiencing a few growing pains of my own. Thank you so much for your kindness and words of wisdom.
I can so relate to the weakness issue regarding asking for help. It's definetly those of us with control issues have to learn to relax about it. I sometimes think that part of the reason we don't ask for help is that we are afraid that the answer may be no, don't like you enough to help you, so we don't ask at all. Not realistic to go through life without help and we have to remind ourselves about how good it feels to helps others.
I admire single mothers that manage to move their children ahead in life because I know how many sacrifices that takes. Being a good mother, especially a single mother can be a very lonely and thankless job without support and acknowledgement that you are doing a good job. It takes so much strength of heart and mind to be good at anything and being a mother is the most important thing you can be good at. Congratulations. Now take care of yourself and make yourself happy. You deserve the best.
I can so relate to the weakness issue regarding asking for help. It's definetly those of us with control issues have to learn to relax about it. I sometimes think that part of the reason we don't ask for help is that we are afraid that the answer may be no, don't like you enough to help you, so we don't ask at all. Not realistic to go through life without help and we have to remind ourselves about how good it feels to helps others.
I admire single mothers that manage to move their children ahead in life because I know how many sacrifices that takes. Being a good mother, especially a single mother can be a very lonely and thankless job without support and acknowledgement that you are doing a good job. It takes so much strength of heart and mind to be good at anything and being a mother is the most important thing you can be good at. Congratulations. Now take care of yourself and make yourself happy. You deserve the best.
So do you. Your insight and wisdom are priceless. Thank you! God Bless!
Preaching, it's time for you to take care of yourself a little bit---focus on you- spoil yourself. Sleep late, eat cereal for dinner, eat ice cream for breakfast.
It sounds like you raised a good boy who has grown into a fine man. I have no doubt that he will continue to make you proud.
oh my gosh. i totally know what you are going through. i am a single mom of a 14 year old STUD (this is what he thinks!!!), he has a relationship with his dad but he is so selfish and thinks the world revolves around him which is very hurtful to me. I love my son so much but he hurts my feelings because he does not think of "me", all he thinks about is what i can do for him. he is my only child and i've been told that this stage is normal and that he will come back to his mom eventually. stay strong, boys know not what they do and they really will appreciate us when they get in thier thirties... hold tight my dear!!!!!!
Preaching, it's time for you to take care of yourself a little bit---focus on you- spoil yourself. Sleep late, eat cereal for dinner, eat ice cream for breakfast.
It sounds like you raised a good boy who has grown into a fine man. I have no doubt that he will continue to make you proud.
Thanks Pirate AND TRM: GOD BLESS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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