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This may not be really suited to this forum but I feel stuck and I'm looking for ideas as to how to get out of this feeling. My parents were in their last 30's/early 40's when I came around and all my mother wanted for me was to have a job and stick with it forever, get married, have children and not sleep around with men. Seriously, that was about it. It sound simplistic but it was weird that she pushed me so hard in the academic arena but seemed to have no need to motivate me once I graduated from college. So, I kind of grew up a bit aimless since she was obsessed with me and boys (and not dating them lol). Just have a job and be able to pay your mortgage on time. Perhaps this was generational.. oh, and that I represented her when I went to school and in society so I better show decorum and be respectful. Okkkk...
Both my parents have passed on now and my father was a doting grandfather but he didn't have a lot of insights on how to raise my kids which is why I miss her so much. So much of what I'm going through with my sons would have benefited so greatly from her being alive, if only to calm me down. I rage a bit too much because my kids aren't obedient like I was. A look from her would shut me up, a look from me to my children prompts their eyebrows to go up like The Rock as if to say, "Really." I constantly feel like I'm in a battle with my children to get respect and my older son who's mildly autistic but extremely bright (and a smart mouth) is seeing a counselor and my husband and I are talking with him about how I need to take things less personally. All this being said is that I feel resentful that I have nothing else going on in my life except for my husband and kids. I'm an introvert in desperate need of some alone time (I have an older brother by 11 years so when he went to college, I had my parents and the whole house to myself! It was heaven!) and although it's great that DH works from home, sometimes I don't want him to be there when I get there because then the questions and demands start about finances, laundry, etc. Then the kids get home and feel the need to vomit their day all over me via complaints, whining, demanding, etc. DH is a source of positive energy but he's anal retentive and always wants to know "the plan" for dinner, for the weekend, for a date. The kids are negative energy - they're upbeat with Dad and quiet but when I come home, this image of dogs humping my legs come to mind. Seriously, the boys push each other off me in an effort to get the closest hug and the little one starts screaming. What started out as nice affection quickly gives me a headache.
I have a decent FT job at a dysfunctional, highly political company, but it's not my passion AT ALL. Working in a cube seems to be draining my energy for life and I have no idea how to find, as Oprah would say (ugh), "my purpose." I wanted to write novels but the last time I tried my hand at a short story, my professor called my subject matter (romance) "banal." I worry about anything I write being completely trashed so I don't do anything. I love animals, but I can't have one right now due to my younger's son allergies. I'd love to have a house full of fosters but that has to wait. One of my passions as a child was beauty and cosmetics but my mother said that she wasn't sending me to an Ivy League school to be a "dumb cosmetologist." I have proud moments when I spoke to a random girl in Ulta one day whose mother was complaining loudly about the girl's last makeover and her skin to the salesperson and I pulled the girl aside and told her about mineral makeup that might work for her. I just feel "held back" by marriage and family because I'm too tired at the end of a workday to do anything FOR me except for watch some TV and put my little one back to bed 100 times before it's time for me to go to bed. I am awakened early in the morning by my kids bickering upstairs. My sleep is sketchy. DH is still very attracted to me and doesn't understand why I'm not happier. He's still attracted to me after 10 years. That should be something, right? At least according to him, lol. Yeesh. I'm so ungrateful, lol. Seriously, I think I'm Squidward from Spongebob. That's why I love that character.
Anyway, this is SOOO long winded and rambling but I want to do something that has some small mark on the world.When my parents died (my mom was an elementary school teacher, my dad was a college professor), there was such a HUGE outpouring of love for them and I just get sad sometimes to think that when I die, but for my immediate family, no one is going to care one way or another. It was sad enough for that outpouring for my parents to start dwindling down after 3-4 months because life does go on.. I just was raised to be a "good girl" and I have no idea as to what to do with myself to feel alive and that I have an identity apart from being a wife and mother. Where did all these so-called "smarts" go when I was child? Perhaps being a mom should be enough, but it's just not.
Kudos to you for realizing that you are more than just a wife and just a mother. You have to be YOU too.
Can you take one night a week - just one - to yourself? One night a week my H is in charge. He picks the kids up at day care, organizes dinner, and takes care of them. I usually do a group exercise class - often dragging a friend with me. Sometimes he takes the kids out to Chuck E Cheese or something, and I get the house to myself.
On Friday evenings, my H gets his time - usually a pickup soccer game with the guys - while I take care of all the kids.
When we started this, the kids complained. A lot. I told them that Mom was important too, that this night was my turn, I would give them kisses when I got home, and there would be no further discussion about it.
Thank you Angie... my husband goes to either a group ride on his bike or martial arts 3-4 nights a week and I have to feed the kids dinner, bath and bed. I think I'm getting a little burned out. One night where he can completely take charge AND take them out so I can have alone time will go a LONG way. As it is, I've completely changed the way I eat for the better and have been cooking healthier meals for the whole family: DH likes it but all the kids do is complain and fall on the ground if they hear that mom's cooking. I get a little tired of it but I know I can't take it personally. I need a night where I can prepare a meal and actually get through the meal without being groused at or interrupted by a million requests, lol.
Your husband does not seem to be a partner in your marriage. You both work full time - why are you saddled with the majority of the household duties? Can he take your sons on the group bike ride or to martial arts classes with him? Do you get any free time of your own?
You seem to carry a lot of self doubt and are very concerned about what those closest to you think - mention your mom's overbearing nature, your husband's attraction to you, etc. You need to find something just for you. Writing could be that - maybe find a writer's workshopping group? Or at the very least, dedicate a portion of your day solely to writing. Sign up for a website that sends you prompts every day (or every few days) and write to the prompt - focus on honing your talent, not finding a strong story line.
And once you pick something, stick to it. Make sure your husband and kids are on board. Your husband will probably need to relinquish a few of his nights out - 3-4 nights on his own for him and none for you is dysfunctional, especially when you're feeling aimless in your personal goals.
steer your own ship, don't wallow in the currents of other- set some short and long term goals
most of us are natural clumpers, we clump life into one big ball of shyt , and it weighs us down
you need to segment different parts of life and hit them head on
often, we need to settle the demons in life, before we can achieve,,,they are anchors... and most of us know what they are, but don't want to deal with them head on
this may sound off base, but often passion is a sister to purpose, and you may feel like you are running in place, you want change, but as many marriages do,,, its easier to appease and avoid
im suggesting,,,that you wont "find" a passion, until you fill a void of purpose- and let go of your anchors, then you will discover (intrinsically) that you already have many passions..
I use to work with two friends,,,that grew up with domineering parents, he was always trying to please, others even to the point he compromised himself- unfortunately in life- the "givers" in life find "takers" (for spouses) and they suck the life out of givers,
I have a decent FT job at a dysfunctional, highly political company, but it's not my passion AT ALL. Working in a cube seems to be draining my energy for life and I have no idea how to find, as Oprah would say (ugh), "my purpose." I wanted to write novels but the last time I tried my hand at a short story, my professor called my subject matter (romance) "banal." I worry about anything I write being completely trashed so I don't do anything.
Write for.... yourself.
You obviously like writing. Clue number one was you wrote a long, very descriptive post. Not everyone can do that. You had one professor tell you your story was "banal"? Pfffftt..... Everyone's a critic. If you enjoy it, do it. Write every day. And write about what you know.
I suggest you start with the dysfunctional, highly political company you work for. (Think how cathartic it will be..... sitting at home.... writing about Company X. You can say whatever you like and they can't fire you! Oh, boy!)
Last edited by DewDropInn; 09-18-2014 at 07:06 PM..
Maybe you should try a sport. I joined a mom's running club and it's really changed my life. I lost over 20 pounds and now I do races and triathlons, and it's something I really love. Plus, it's very social.
I guessed that your kids were about that age; your description sounds a lot like my house, and mine are 5, 7, 8.
My 5-year-old rarely eats what I cook. The rule is he has to try one bite of everything, and then he can make himself a peanut butter sandwich. That has cut WAY down on the complaints. My little one likes to cook. At least one day a week he helps me prep dinner. He doesn't always eat the dinner, but at least he's not complaining while I'm cooking.
Do the kids help with chores? Mine have started cleaning the bathrooms and unloading the dishwasher, and that helps.
One thing I did when I started feeling lost - I made a list of the things that made me happy. That included painting my toenails, taking a bubble bath, lighting a candle, going for a walk, going to a play, and even vacation. I tried to do one thing just for me off of that list every single day. It surprised me how long it had been since I'd done some of these little things, and it made me feel really good to start doing them again. For ME.
Lastly, is there a way to find your alone-ish time WITH the kids? I started leading a family walk a few nights of the week. The kids get on their bikes and race down the sidewalks. I walk behind them. It's "family time", but I can get lost in my own thoughts while the kids are having fun on their bikes.
Maybe you should try a sport... Plus, it's very social.
She's an introvert. The last thing we want is to be around a bunch of obnoxiously social extroverts. Exhausting.
Agree with hubby giving up some of his play time to give you some alone time.
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(Think how cathartic it will be..... sitting at home.... writing about Company X. You can say whatever you like and they can't fire you! Oh, boy!)
