Bizarre Behavior... advice please (ADHD, teenager, divorced, baby)

[TannerToo]

I am engaged to a woman with whom I have a very satisfying relationship. She is the mother of a 13 year old son who looks younger than his 13 years, excels in sports, has friends and is involved in other after-school activities; however, he does poorly academically and has been categorized as having ADHD. Until two years ago life was just basically he and his mom. Since the time his mother and I began dating, I have tried to involve myself with him as much as possible by attending all his hockey matches and baseball games, building plane models with him, hiking. We get along very well.
But there is some bizarre behavior going on. During the course of an evening, the boy will sit on his mom’s lap and they will cuddle in the way a mother would with a much younger child. (My fiancé has said she would love to have a baby, that she misses that time with her son.) He will sit across her lap diagonally while she strokes his bare back at length and he will kiss her breast. I have tried to talk to her once about this, but she fluffs it off as nothing at all.
My question to you is NOT whether I should continue with this woman as I have resolved to leave her if she does not wake up and realize the unnaturalness of the situation as I know it will affect our own relationship. I can’t honestly see her continuing this way once he sprouts hair on his face and his voice changes. I would like to hear from you how you think it will play out between them. I am clueless.

thank you in advance

[anifani821]

I am not a therapist, but from a layman's perspective . . . this seems like overly sexualized behavior and if I were observing it, I would be troubled by it, as it appears you are.

I love being near my fully grown sons, LOL. Nothing like a hug from my boys - and most mothers do miss those sweet toddler arms around their necks!! But the way you describe things, what you have witnessed is not age appropriate behavior (it appears you already recognize that - I am just agreeing).

Since the mother seems to encourage the behavior, it would seem she sees nothing unusual in it. So I would doubt she would feel it would be something that needs to be evaluated w/ a professional. However, I would advise my sons, in a similar situation, to not even consider staying in a relationship until a professional had evaluated the situation.

You are very wise to be cautious and to question the dynamics. Good luck!!!

[Roaddog]

Thats some strange behavior, I don't think it will get better unless she and her child get some help.

[zonababe]

Originally Posted by TannerToo

I am engaged to a woman with whom I have a very satisfying relationship. She is the mother of a 13 year old son who looks younger than his 13 years, excels in sports, has friends and is involved in other after-school activities; however, he does poorly academically and has been categorized as having ADHD. Until two years ago life was just basically he and his mom. Since the time his mother and I began dating, I have tried to involve myself with him as much as possible by attending all his hockey matches and baseball games, building plane models with him, hiking. We get along very well.
But there is some bizarre behavior going on. During the course of an evening, the boy will sit on his mom’s lap and they will cuddle in the way a mother would with a much younger child. (My fiancé has said she would love to have a baby, that she misses that time with her son.) He will sit across her lap diagonally while she strokes his bare back at length and he will kiss her breast. I have tried to talk to her once about this, but she fluffs it off as nothing at all.
My question to you is NOT whether I should continue with this woman as I have resolved to leave her if she does not wake up and realize the unnaturalness of the situation as I know it will affect our own relationship. I can’t honestly see her continuing this way once he sprouts hair on his face and his voice changes. I would like to hear from you how you think it will play out between them. I am clueless.

thank you in advance

I think one minute children are all over you. Next thing you know they have grown too quickly. Soon her son will outgrow this stage. He'll be the brooding teenager searching for a new identity that will hopefully shock and appall any adult in his path. I wouldn't end your relationship too soon.

[pirate girl]

I would be troubled by that and would encourage counseling at least for the mother- maybe for both of them.

[charolastra00]

Seems kind of normal to me. You are an upsetting influence in his life. He may adore you but at the same time, he's no longer the man of the house and that can be very upsetting at that age. When my boyfriend's mom started dating years after being divorced, he became OBSESSED with her hair to the point where he made her cut off a lock of it in order to be out of her sight. He grew out of it eventually.

I would try to suggest family counseling however. Don't phrase it as "there's something wrong with you and your son", but more of a way for the 3 of you to work on melding your family together. No matter how well you two get along on the surface, he's dealing with a lot of issues that he just isn't acting out in the normal, stereotypical way (I think girls do that a lot more to stepparents anyway..).

[cynwldkat]

I'm sorry but a 13 year old boy kissing his mothers breast just does not sound right. If I'd put my son on my lap at that age he'd have thought I was crazy! At that age he'd already started not wanting to be terribly "mushy" with mom and dad. Yes, hugs and a kiss on the cheek or even the lips if its kept a peck is fine. This woman sounds like she's trying to keep her son a baby, which he is not! And perhaps he is just use to this kind of behavior so it's nothing to him. They should both seek some kind of counseling in my opinion. It's definately not good for the son.

[ParkerP]

Yup, sounds strange to me. The kissing of the breasts and back stroking...yeah I don't know man. Aren't most 13 yr old's weiners going off at that age? Not to make the subject sound sicker but, yeah there's something "off" about the situation.

[RoaminRed]

This would be disturbing behavior if the child was five years YOUNGER than this, much less at 13. That's an unhealthy weird child/mom relationship and if I were you I'd run so far away. There is nothing wrong with the kid showing affection for his mom but he's way too old to be touching her breasts and sitting on her lap. Hugging is fine, but the rest of it...ew. Just...EW...

[Miss Blue]

Strange, very strange..I believe momma needs to be watched very closely...I would not trust her around my kids.. One of my son in laws mother(he is 44) still holds his hand, kisses him on the lips and later on was caught abusing my grandsonwho was less than 2 years old..She said there was nothing wrong with her "loving" her grandson