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Are you really saying that you never punish your kids? Talking is great. They need consequences too. Kids' brains aren't able to fully understand an abstract concept like, if you act like an jerk now, you'll mess up the rest of your life. They need immediate consequences.
I think grounding alone treats the symptom, not the "illness," if you will. My parents spent a lot of time grounding me, and no time trying to figure out what the reason for my behavior actually was. So I understand what you are saying, but for the majority of kids, discussion only with no consequences will not work.
Well, I'm not saying that I have never punished my kids. We actually spanked the older two when they were preschoolers. But when we realized that didn't work, we re-evaluated what we thought about parenting and what kinds of character traits we hoped to inspire in our kids. It was certainly a progression. At some point, instead of using punishment, when we had discipline issues we started asking our kids, "What kind of person do you want to be?" Some examples... Do you want to be the kind of person who disregards the needs and ideas of the people around you? Do you want to be the kind of person who doesn't help clean up the mess we all helped to create? Do you want to be the kind of person who is a burden to those around you because you won't do your part? Do you want to be the kind of person who makes others feel like they aren't important? Or would you rather be the kind of person who helps to carry the burden, who can be depended upon, who makes others feel loved and valued?
And believe it or not, my kids responded amazingly to this. I think because we leave it up to them and trust them to make the right choices (which they don't always do, but there is definitely an upwards progression of growth) they meet and often exceed our expectations.
I know it's kind of ingrained in us that if we don't punish our kids they won't learn that there are consequences for behavior, but I have found that this simply isn't true. Life has enough consequences of its own.
Bring him on the vacation. He will be more trouble if he's left home, and he will act up in worse ways to try to get your attention.
Personally, I wouldn't tell him he was going to be included on the vacation at this point. Tell him he's broken your trust, and he will have to earn it back. Give him a list of things to do (fix whatever he broke in his room, outdoor chores, pick up the dog poop from the yard every day if you have a dog, etc.) and tell him if he does those things without complaining, and he's polite and respectful, you will consider bringing him along on the vacation. And then, end the grounding right before the vacation, thank him for his hard work, and go back to treating him like the kid you love.
I get what you're saying. But I think most sullen teens would refuse to do the extra things to earn the family vacation just to continue to make the points that (1) you are not the boss of me and (2) I don't like anything you like. This solution assumes he would want to earn back trust. I seriously doubt he cares about that in the least. He thinks he doesn't need parents and he doesn't respect them. So why would he care if they don't respect him?
I can actually remember when I was a young teen, I would beg not to have to go on family vacations. The last things in the world I wanted to do were activities that would bring me in closer contact with my family. Stupid? Of course. But that's how a lot of teens feel. They're so alienated they don't want to be seen with their parents. I felt this way and I wasn't even alienated enough that I would have ever done something like break a law.
I agree he should be punished for shoplifting. That's a serious thing. But don't make the punishment be anything that plays into his self-scripted drama. If you make a big deal out of this vacation thing, you're just playing into his desire to be the center of family chaos. All spotlight on him while he does his James Dean act. Don't fall for it.
Take him with you. You can continue the no TV, cell phone, etc. while you are there, but he should go to the beach and participate in all family activities. In fact, why not make it a no TV for everyone week? Play board games together if it rains. Play at the beach together. Go places together as a family. Don't tack on extra weeks of grounding - in fact, two months sounds like a very long grounding to me.
You need to look at who his friends are. You also need to consider whether he is having depression - not as a result of getting caught shoplifting, and getting grounded, but for any other possible reasons, or just from hormonal changes, from before he got caught. Adolescent depression can present as irritability. Probably would be a good idea to go see your pediatrician, and maybe a child psychologist. Many kids will shoplift at this age, but it's not normal to curse and trash your room because your parents punish you when you get caught. It's normal to be ashamed and remorseful and embarrassed.
You need to heal your relationship with your son. What better time to do it than vacation? I agree that he needs to be punished, and yes, I'd still keep his punishment of no video games, ect. But please, bring your son on vacation.
Thank you to everyone who has responded. You have certainly given my wife and I a lot to think about. We have decided that my son will be allowed to come on vacation, and we will not strictly enforce the grounding while we are there. He still won't have access to a cell phone or computer, but we will not prevent him from watching TV. I have thought about what some posters have said about 2 months being too long. And I agree that it is a long time to ground a child, and all of us (my wife and I and the parents of the other 2 kids who stole) were perhaps a bit hasty when we settled on 2 months. Although the father of one of my son's friends wanted to ground him for 6 months. So we are thinking we may lift the grounding after 1 month if my son's behavior and attitude have improved by then, and if he starts to show some remorse for stealing.
I agree with the direction you're taking this, I'd probably do the same if my 13yo son did this.
Thank you to everyone who has responded. You have certainly given my wife and I a lot to think about. We have decided that my son will be allowed to come on vacation, and we will not strictly enforce the grounding while we are there. He still won't have access to a cell phone or computer, but we will not prevent him from watching TV. I have thought about what some posters have said about 2 months being too long. And I agree that it is a long time to ground a child, and all of us (my wife and I and the parents of the other 2 kids who stole) were perhaps a bit hasty when we settled on 2 months. Although the father of one of my son's friends wanted to ground him for 6 months. So we are thinking we may lift the grounding after 1 month if my son's behavior and attitude have improved by then, and if he starts to show some remorse for stealing.
Just my opinion,
Glad you are rethinking your length of punishment.
By handing out an extreme and all encompassing punishment, you have taken away all your leverage. What do you do in two weeks when your son acts up? You have nothing left. I had a co-worker who did this regularly and it soon became very apparent to her kid that Mom was out of ammunition and then kid started to call her bluff, it was a vicious cycle.
You have plenty of reason to be strict and to lay down the law but leave yourself some wiggle room. Also, remember he is 13, these are life lessons, he needs the opportunity to earn back his privileges as well as your trust.
A dear friend of mine once said "parenting is not for sissy's" she was very right, its hard work
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