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Oh alright then, the biggest challenge for me is balancing my daughter's relationship with her father (my ex) and doing what is best for her (giving her stability, maintaining her routine etc.). We are considering now allowing weekend visits but I am afraid it will ruin all the work I've put in to help her overcome her anger and behavioural issues.
Do all you can to make it happen, yet trust your gut. With these arrangements it's about negotiating minimum standards for the structure he has to set. To make that happen, be prepared to be the adult in the room who stays calm and uses effective communication skills to win him over into agreeing to put the correct structures in place for his daughter's sake.
Checks and balances also have to be negotiated at the same time. I know how difficult that is, but that's your goal. One good thing about it is that even though the earlier it gets done the better, at least you can take some time to prepare yourself for that meeting. Use a mediator if you think you won't be able to pull it off by yourself, or if there is an overwhelming history of you both escalating when dealing with difficult issues.
Sorry you feel that way HighFlying. There is no such thing as perfect parenting. But I AM a professional who has helped thousands of folks both locally and abroad. And it IS honest sharing from one human being to the next. I see how my intro can be misconstrued.. tried to edit it but don't know how. Maybe one of you guys can help me figure it out.
Ms.Mathlete I'd have liked a little more details...that's where the devil always lurks. The specific nature of the problems that crop up also indicate the direction to take. Generally speaking though, older children can be a big help. It doesn't HAVE to be a problem if you can manage to create positive processes around it.
If the problem is that you're having frequent personality clashes and even fights, my short-list of things to monitor and act on would include 1) ensuring that they have ample examples of what mature interaction looks like during conflict situations, 2) teaching conflict resolution skills, broken down into baby steps, 3) allowing them the choice of resolving their own conflicts, or accepting "pre-discussed" logical consequences when they don't, and finally, 4)catching them keeping the peace and reinforcing the heck out of it.
Um.. uhhh.. aaaa.. er .. Sorry but I was never able to figure that one out myself. Help!
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