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^^^What they said. It's your money. They are only 9 and 7. I bought my daughter's clothes until she was in middle school and she didn't seem to mind as we had the same tastes/style. Your money, you choose. Once she got to middle school there was more peer pressure for certain styles so I gave her a budget. Not too long ago this was $300 twice per year (usually Fall for start of school and then Speing for warm weather clothing). If she blew the $300 on an expensive pair of jeans leaving ehr little for other things, well it's a lesson learned. The jeans may look great but whatyou have to wear with them...not so much. With boys I'm guessing the expensive, trendy items woud be shoes.
The language issue I think is a family issue. But I would caution that you need to remain in control as the parent. If they see you as a buddy, rather than the parent, when peer pressure really hits in 6th grade and up, it's too late to regain control and you may have chaos. So it may just be what you consider foul language at this age, but when they start calling you foul names because they do not perceive you as the disciplinarian, ... Teaching respect at a young age will pay off in spades later on. One of the goals/outcomes of raising children is to have them become productive members of society. If they lack respect for authority they are going to have a difficult road ahead in the real world.
Personally, I wouldn't put up much of a battle about the shirts they want as long as they are not profane or against school dress code. But there would still be a clothing budget. The language would change at my home. I think they are way too young to have peer pressure defining their language. If they are allowed to watch adult movies and play adult video games then they are going to have that influence as well. I believe it is a bad idea. I believe these children will be desensitized to the violence and language that videos and movies portray.
I think the bigger picture for you is that you are questioning your childrens's behavior at a pretty young age. You have no idea how much bigger the issues will be as they get older. I say nip it in the bud, better to be harder on them at a younger age vs. really having to crack down as they become teenagers. Even the best teenagers go through their growing pains. If you don't have a handle on things as they get to the teenage years, you may have regrets about these younger years.
The main problem I am facing now with them getting older is how to distance myself from ruling over small things in their lives. The biggest one is picking out clothes for them when we are buying things. I have a strong like for them to look good {in my opinion anyways} and usually always settle for buying them clothes that I like. I tend to go really overboard on buying them clothes {I spent probably 800 a year per kid}. Now with them getting older they want shirts that I find are just ugly/stupid/childish and I've started to buy them more of these in knowing that they are kids and it's a shirt that they want, or a pair of shoes or whatever it might be. I was just wondering if other parents have had similar issues with letting go of the reins and letting their kids be themselves as much as it might drive you insane.
I have two boys who are almost 6 and 8 in a few months. I buy all of their clothes online. I buy what is affordable, what they like and what is appropriate (not banned from school). Notice that what I like for them to wear is not one of the criteria. Unless it's a special occasion like a wedding or a more formal gathering, they pick out what they wear each day. Children have so many aspects of their lives controlled. Why keep making up stuff to care about when it doesn't hurt anyone.
I think it's strange that you spent your 1st paragraph describing how liberal you are with your boys but then state in the 2nd paragraph you have a hard time letting them choose what to wear. It just doesn't make sense. They choose childish shirts because they are children. Who wants to wear skinny jeans and a vest to gym class and during recess? I never understood why Mothers spend a small fortune on dressy "outfits" for their kids - especially when they are babies.
I dont believe using the words "hell" or "damn" are profanities, thus why we let them use them.
Just because you do not consider them bad words then I guess it is ok.
My son served after school detention for using the word hell when he got angry one day. The teacher told him everyone gets angry, but to maintain self control and if needed, use the work heck instead of hell. Needless to say, he uses heck having been taught that lesson at an early age.
As to the "goddamn" comment, rest assured many people will find that offense, even if you don't. So your boys will be well served to learn that lesson now, regardless of how you personally feel.
OP, if you are moving to NC, as your location indicates, your kids should not be allowed to swear at will. Right now, their teachers know them as generally nice boys. A new school administration won't have any reason to cut them some slack, they'll be "the new kids with the foul mouths". Bad first impression to give, in school or out.
OP, don't sweat people's opinions so much. You're doing fine.
Maybe spending a bit more on clothes than you really need to...I mean, these are boys who will wear out and grow out of things pretty quick. Why spend a lot of money? I take mine to Goodwill sometimes and get cheap stuff, and that's actually a pretty trendy thing to do in some circles. No, you don't want a kid to be a fashion pariah, or whatever, but like any other issue in parenting, there is a sane balancing point, which is different for every family, and you've got to find it.
Best advice I've got for any parent, is KNOW THY KID. Your kid isn't my kid, and my kids aren't these other posters' kids. A lot of parents act like there is a set way to do this, by the book, following all the right rules and doing all the perfect parent things, to raise a totally polished, happy, successful adult. Unfortunately, I have not observed that this is true. There are a lot of variables that are simply outside of your rigid, rigid control, and sometimes ya just have to roll with the punches and make your decisions in whatever way seems appropriate to you at the time.
Now, to address the point everyone has fixated on. The language. You can allow or disallow whatever you want, but if you've got a curious kid who has picked up on some naughty words and wants to use them, they're gonna...even (especially?) if you say DON'T! So when my sons started discovering these fascinating expletives, we had a lot of conversations about "why are they bad? when are they bad? what makes them bad?" and we explored the topic together. They learned that if they went over to one friend's house and "slipped" and said something that family didn't approve of, they would not be allowed over anymore. Ah, a lesson! A learning moment! So truly the matter is one of respect. We do not walk around the world scandalizing the general public with crass speech! My boys are teenagers now. I actually trust them with profanity, because more importantly than words they do or do not know, or are "allowed" to use or not, they understand the concept of situationality. And THAT is why they weren't allowed to curse when they were younger. As I explained to them, particularly my youngest when he struggled to understand why he wasn't welcome back to this friend's house for a time, Mom tells you not to say these words because you're not old enough to have the self control necessary not to "slip" and use them when you should not. In time he was forgiven by the friend's parents, and it was a valuable learning experience.
But back to the general point of your OP and all...you will know, in your heart and your gut, when it's time to let the reins slip a little further through your fingers, and give the kids a bit more freedom. Hopefully their father is also still around (no judgment if not) but if so, it will be both of you deciding things together, one little issue at a time. But I tell you...it doesn't need to hurt, letting go, letting them make their own decisions. Because only then do you get to really see what sort of people they are growing to be. You'll have so many proud moments, as well as some frustrations, and a lot of laughs, along the way.
allowing freedom of expression.....for individuality
don't that sound progressive...
what if he wants to pee off the deck?? is that a freedom of expression??
kids are kids,,they need rules,,,and be VERY careful with your political views around kids,,,they don't yet have an aptitude of context...
I had a boyhood friend,,,his parents were athiests,,,he use to repeat them saying "i hate jesus freaks" around 8-10 yrs old..
also,,, we all knew who had the "liberal" parents in the neighborhood- us teenage boys would go over try to get in their liquor cabinet,,or look at the parents playboys/hustlers..
the conservative parents kids would be afraid,,they'd get an ass beating if they got caught doing something they shouldn't ..
put your boys in team sports,,,,this is a great teacher in life,,
also,,,back off on your clothes choices, don't dress them too preppy or like girls,,,,they will be picked on..
mother,,,you sound like you mean well and love your boys,,,this is great!!
but they need to be themselves, they need to learn from their own mistakes,
don't smother your boys,,,, they will be good boys....
allow them to make decisions,,,even if you don't agree
we had a couple kids in our neighborhood,,,their mother was very over protective, this didn't do them any favors
I have a 6yo boy and a 4yo girl, both about to hit their next birthday.
My boy doesn't care much about clothes. We don't play video games, we don't have cable, we can't even sit still for a whole movie really. And with that, I think not seeing commercials and such makes a huge difference about that whole need for the latest and greatest trends. We spend a lot of time outdoors, everyday we make sure to play outside. So. I buy what's comfortable for his active self at a price-point I don't mind replacing often.
Would I like him to dress differently? Sure. Sweats, camo cargo pants, and light-colored clothing is not my gig. But. He likes it, I can afford it, I can afford to replace it, and everyone is happy.
Now. The 4 going on 16yo girl is a different story. If I don't get what she wants, she might cut me...
So. Every kid is different. Every parent is different. Do whatever you feel will make those kiddos smile and most importantly enjoy the chaos.
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