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I'm mid 30s guy. Two years ago, I moved far far away to a large city to escape family drama in my home town. I secured a job from long distance, packed my things one weekend, and broke my apartment lease with a huge penalty. It was worth it. I pulled out of the apartment complex in a full UHaul van pulling my car. I dropped a letter in the mailbox to let my parents know the city I was going and that it was time to move on with my life.
I sent them a few e-mails to let them know I was fine, had employment and had place to live. The cell messages seemed supportive at first, so I talked to them. Big mistake. The biting anger soon made its appearance again. So I stopped answering calls. Now they e-mail me routinely to try to suck me back into their dysfunctional lives.
The last year has seen lots of e-mail messages. They keep asking for my address. They ask to visit me. They ask me to come home. I ignore. I get asked to loan money. I get begged to loan money because it's a dire temporary need. I ignore. I get a call saying they are coming to look for me. I ignore. Three weeks ago, a parent called me from another person's cell phone. I was dumb to pick up, but I hung up after a minute rant had started.
No word for the past three weeks.
NOW I got a message out of the blue over the weekend that slightly concerns me. One parent said that if I don't call or e-mail, then they will report me missing to my local police department. One crazy parent may even fly out. I'm sure that parent will convince the police department I must truly be in trouble. My birth certificate will be ID proof of blood relation, and the police will unknowingly give out my address.
Should I e-mail the parent (cave into the threat)? Should I call my local police department to give them a heads up?
You're past the age of minority. If the police show up, explain the situation. Then tell your parents in no uncertain terms that you have no desire to associate with them. Considering that they'll already be in trouble for filing a false police report, perhaps they'll listen. BTW, why haven't you changed your phone number yet?
I think a local PD will hear their complaint for what it is...actions of desperate crazy people. If the police are convinced that you are missing, they will find you. (it won't be hard for them). Then they'll get in touch with you, and you can demonstrate that you are indeed not missing. Print out any emails or texts you have that indicate you have asked your family not to contact you. The police will not give your address to anyone.
Then you can talk to the police about filing harassment charges. It is illegal to pester people like that if you don't want to hear from them! They are stalking you, and that is illegal.
I am thinking that I shouldn't cave into this threat. Calling/E-mail to tell them to stop will not work. Therefore, I won't acknowledge this threat at all. In the future it could escalate to other threats (crying voicemails, self-harm threats, suicidal statements) to get me to respond. I left my home town and went thousands of miles away to remove myself from that dysfunction. I refuse to be threatened or manipulated any further.
I've requested a call back from my local police department's non-emergency line. I am going to give my PD a heads up that my parent may be calling to report me missing. No sense in them coming out to see if I'm okay.
No need to cave to the threat. You haven't done anything wrong. It's doubtful the police will look for you. If they do, you still have done nothing wrong.
I've requested a call back from my local police department's non-emergency line. I am going to give my PD a heads up that my parent may be calling to report me missing. No sense in them coming out to see if I'm okay.
This was a good idea.
At one point my husband was not communicating with his mother. She called the social security office and persuaded them somehow to tell them where he was working. I wouldn't have thought they'd be able to give out the information, but they did. She wasn't able to track him down...that employer said that yes, he worked for them, no, they wouldn't say where, and yes, he was doing fine and if he wanted to talk to her they were sure he'd get in touch.
More recently, she called his current employer to ask for his phone number, because he'd changed it and not given it to her. She still had my cell number and my parents' number and she could have communicated with him that way. I think she just wanted to make trouble for him. We live in the same city, but she's afraid to drive on highways and we're about 30 miles from her, so she can't just show up.
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It must be hard but I hope you have somebody to turn to for help and support.
