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Over the course of our relationship, I have discovered that she really doesn't have what it takes to be a mom. She can be very selfish in terms of her dedicating time to her child (a 10 year old son). She would rather do things for herself, or by herself. She is very introverted, and her son is one of the most extremely extroverted people I have ever met. Needs CONSTANT attention. Not SUPERVISION, but attention. She seems to not be willing to give it. Not because she does not care, but that she is just "over it". And her contrasting personalities is not helping
She's mid 30's, divorced, had a very short marriage where she had the kid very young (20), did not have much support structure from parents or assistance. Ex-Husband was a deadbeat, now completely out of the picture, in a different state.
When she comes home from work, she will spend an hour on her phone or computer just doing facebook stuff. Meanwhile, the kid is jumping around, trying to get her attention.
Early on, I realized, that she probably is one of those people who just is not cut out for parenting. She has a hard time prioritizing things in her life as it is. Is one of those people who just cannot plan things, cannot stick to a schedule. Is always late, takes for ever to get going.
It bugs me that sometimes I am competing with her cell phone for attention, but I get over that. However, it has clearly had more of an impact on her son, and he tends to take it out on both of us when he does not get the attention he needs. I get along with the kid fine, but I am not his parent, and I think there are certain things she should be doing, not me.
I am with her because we compliment each other so well, she compliments my shortcomings, and I do hers. However, with the kid, that's one area that i cannot compensate for her lack of desire to be a parent. That in my opinion HAS to come from her.
But how do you tell someone this?
We are already old enough that neither one of us have any desire to have more kids, so that's not an issue.
I actually was in a relationship with a divorced father years ago, and I told him he was an over-bearing, needy parent...we broke up. If you share this information with her, be prepapred for this as a possible outcome.
I actually was in a relationship with a divorced father years ago, and I told him he was an over-bearing, needy parent...we broke up. If you share this information with her, be prepapred for this as a possible outcome.
The OP keeps ignoring these questions Seems like he just wants to vent about her on here without providing any specific details.
Since this IS in the parenting forum, even though it feels like the OP is really wanting to complain more about his girlfriend as a partner than as a parent, I'll focus on the child.
The whole situation with him sounds really odd. So he's an extrovert who has no friends to spend time with and doesn't want to socialize or do any activities besides gaming? Doesn't really sound like an extrovert to me, an extrovert is someone who's drawn to other people and who gets along with others, he doesn't fit the description. And he requires CONSTANT attention, but only from his mom, at the age of 10? Something just doesn't quite add up here. How exactly does he ask for that attention and how does she respond?
A 10 year old boy should not require his mom to pay attention to him 24/7, he should be getting at least part of his socialization needs from peers and outside activities. IMO he shouldn't have the 'choice' not to participate in anything besides school, the *choice* of activity should be up to him but he should do at least one extracurricular thing. He needs to learn to socialize and find peers with shared interests, even if it's just video games. As I said, if he's geeky-minded, there are plenty of choices now for kids that focus on that - he could even start learning how to design his own video games if that's what he's into. Kids need stimulation and to keep occupied, and at that age it shouldn't be exclusively with parents. He's probably bored out of his mind which is why he's driving mom crazy, which is probably why she's tired and retreating into herself even more. That's not to say she shouldn't interact with him, but something else for him to do after school would provide a much-needed break for both of them, it's essential.
What a crock - she's glued to her phone (an increasingly prevalent problem) and you're trying to rationalize that with the kid is "making her tired"!
Apologists for disengaged "parenting" abound. And in 4 years time she'll be wondering why he's gone off track and that she did nothing wrong. But doing nothing, other than providing custodial care, is shirking your parental duties.
No-one is requiring constant attention - its when your kid does ask or does speak to you and you either keep staring at facebook and don't respond, or reply laconically and still staring at the phone. I've seen it a thousand times. The kid learns to disengage from you, or acts up in a different direction. You are not [parenting. Custodians are not the same as parents.
Now as for your comments regarding his peer group and what he should be doing in socialization terms at this age - you are correct and I do not disagree with you.
What a crock - she's glued to her phone (an increasingly prevalent problem) and you're trying to rationalize that with the kid is "making her tired"!
Apologists for disengaged "parenting" abound. And in 4 years time she'll be wondering why he's gone off track and that she did nothing wrong. But doing nothing, other than providing custodial care, is shirking your parental duties.
No-one is requiring constant attention - its when your kid does ask or does speak to you and you either keep staring at facebook and don't respond, or reply laconically and still staring at the phone. I've seen it a thousand times. The kid learns to disengage from you, or acts up in a different direction. You are not [parenting. Custodians are not the same as parents.
Now as for your comments regarding his peer group and what he should be doing in socialization terms at this age - you are correct and I do not disagree with you.
I agree.
Being in the same room does not count as parenting.
It sounds like she is REALLY disengaged and totally relying on the OP to take up the slack, especially on weekends.
The OP keeps ignoring these questions Seems like he just wants to vent about her on here without providing any specific details.
What questions have I ignored?
Is he fed? Yes
Does she physically or mentally abuse him? No
Is he in a dangerous situation? No, because it's my house
Is he clothed? Yes, he has clothes but wears like 2-3 of the same shirts and pants all the time, wears the same clothes to school multiple days in a row, showers 2 times a week (because he hates to put clean clothes away, hates to take a shower)
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Since this IS in the parenting forum, even though it feels like the OP is really wanting to complain more about his girlfriend as a partner than as a parent, I'll focus on the child.
Not at all...
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The whole situation with him sounds really odd. So he's an extrovert who has no friends to spend time with and doesn't want to socialize or do any activities besides gaming? Doesn't really sound like an extrovert to me, an extrovert is someone who's drawn to other people and who gets along with others, he doesn't fit the description. And he requires CONSTANT attention, but only from his mom, at the age of 10? Something just doesn't quite add up here. How exactly does he ask for that attention and how does she respond?
He is an extravert, requires constant attention and interaction (key). However has no friends, so he can only get it from his mom, and me. So where else is he going to get it?
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A 10 year old boy should not require his mom to pay attention to him 24/7, he should be getting at least part of his socialization needs from peers and outside activities.
I agree with this, but it is what it is, his mom wont push the issue, and he has not gone out and gotten friends
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IMO he shouldn't have the 'choice' not to participate in anything besides school, the *choice* of activity should be up to him but he should do at least one extracurricular thing. He needs to learn to socialize and find peers with shared interests, even if it's just video games.
I don't disagree with that, but I, not being his PARENT cannot force him to do anything. And if his mom does not feel she needs to force it, or wont... that highlights part of the problem, right??
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As I said, if he's geeky-minded, there are plenty of choices now for kids that focus on that - he could even start learning how to design his own video games if that's what he's into. Kids need stimulation and to keep occupied, and at that age it shouldn't be exclusively with parents. He's probably bored out of his mind which is why he's driving mom crazy, which is probably why she's tired and retreating into herself even more. That's not to say she shouldn't interact with him, but something else for him to do after school would provide a much-needed break for both of them, it's essential.
So playing XBox online counts? Or facebooking? Video games, internet and Xbox is about the extent of his social interaction outside of school. Which he hates, constantly complains about how kids pick on him, no one likes him, nobody understands him or listens to him (including us...)
Don't try to turn this around on me, I didnt create the problem...
I have never been a parent, but being a child once, I know this isnt right. I know i would NEVER have been able to act like he does or been allowed to lay around all day, I know it was a different time, but hey... im not his parent, I cant force him or her to do anything
I don't know that I'd classify him as an extrovert. He sounds needy. My kids are that age and are not in need of attention like that. When he tries to talk to her does she look up from her computer and respond?
I, not being his PARENT cannot force him to do anything.
I'm sure you see that this is a big part of the problem right there. This child lives under your roof, yet you have no say in how he is being raised. This is, to use a currently trendy word, unsustainable.
I see only two possible solutions to this particular problem: (1) legally adopt the boy so that you become his legal father, and can thus help direct his upbringing; or (2) kick the boy and mother out of your house.
(This is one reason why I think it's a bad idea for people to move in together before getting married; but in your particular situation, that ship has already sailed . . .)
I would start pushing it if I were you. Start being his parent or pushing his bio Mom to be his parent. Personally I would feel guilty if I had an opportunity to help a child to a better life and didn't do it. Talk with your GF and tell her what you think is right. Do it nicely, not like a know-it-all (not saying you are). She'll either listen and try to change or start a big fight.
I would also get a list of club, camps, or something and tell him to choose which ones to attend. Force him to make friends, it could be at the local comic book shop, video game shop (many times they have clubs of some kind), or through an outside class. I would get proactive...
...or you could just start doing these things until you GF gets off her phone enough to notice, then she will have brought it up and you can discuss it.
One thing I wouldn't do is be an innocent bystander to a big parenting failure.
Video games, internet and Xbox is about the extent of his social interaction outside of school. Which he hates, constantly complains about how kids pick on him, no one likes him, nobody understands him or listens to him (including us...)
Has your girlfriend met with her son's teacher? Or maybe the principal? Sounds like there are some issues at school that need to be discussed.
As for not listening to him or understanding him, THAT is something that is within your power to change.
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Seems like he just wants to vent about her on here without providing any specific details.
