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Here's a topic we've been battling about. He wants a new gaming computer. His laptop has been giving him a lot of trouble lately and it's going to quit on him at some point. Part of the contingency of getting it would be that he get decent grades on his finals. I already knew that he wasn't going to get great grades this year.. that's part of what our struggles have been over. The other part of the deal was that I want him to start applying for jobs because I wanted him working.
I guess I wasn't real clear about the second part because he feels it's unfair that I require him to be working first. He wants me to order the computer (which takes several weeks to get here) and he claims THAT will be his motivation to start looking for work. I don't want to order this computer only to have it sit there because he hasn't fulfilled his part of the deal. I think he sees this backwards... that he shouldn't be getting his motivation to work from me having ordered his computer. What's funny is he's downright pissed about it, like I'm screwing him over somehow by having this expectation of him. Before discussions of a new computer even came up he had said he did plan on working in the summer, and now his only motivation to work comes from me ordering a computer? He says I am wasting his summer.. that it's no harm in ordering it first.
He basically states he's not going to apply for jobs now, that he's no longer motivated. I told him the only reason he isn't applying is because I want him to - he agreed. I asked him "what do I get out of you working?" and he admitted he doesn't know, although he stated "control" - and there is the winning ticket. CONTROL. He won't do anything if he thinks I have the upper hand.. this is all about me NOT getting my way (which would be to have him get a job first) - because that is what I want, he won't do it even of it means he won't get a computer.
Parent of a 16 year old boy. I really want him to get a job over the summer so he doesn't sit at home and play computer games all day. I think earning his own money will bring him great satisfaction and teach him responsibility. Although he says he wants to work, he has not put much effort into applying anywhere.
Do you guys insist your teenager work over summer? If they drag their feet on it do you then just let them play games all day or do you then start disconnecting the gadgets? I really don't want to resort to that.
You're the parent; why would you even give him these options? If he wants to stay home all day, put his ass to work cleaning, painting, doing yardwork, etc., so that he'll eventually want to get a job if nothing else just to get out from under the chores.
When I was a teenager, the only thing I ever wanted to do over the summer was work so that a) I wasn't beholden to my parents and their restrictions for my spending money, and b) I could get the hell out of my house and away from my parents for a few hours a day. (Heck, I didn't even wait until I was a teenger; I lied about my age when I was 12 so I could be a caddy at the country club.) Then again, this was back when the economy was robust enough that any 16-year-old who wanted a summer job had one waiting for him/her. I don't know if that's still possible these days.
Here's a topic we've been battling about. He wants a new gaming computer. His laptop has been giving him a lot of trouble lately and it's going to quit on him at some point. Part of the contingency of getting it would be that he get decent grades on his finals. I already knew that he wasn't going to get great grades this year.. that's part of what our struggles have been over. The other part of the deal was that I want him to start applying for jobs because I wanted him working.
I guess I wasn't real clear about the second part because he feels it's unfair that I require him to be working first. He wants me to order the computer (which takes several weeks to get here) and he claims THAT will be his motivation to start looking for work. I don't want to order this computer only to have it sit there because he hasn't fulfilled his part of the deal. I think he sees this backwards... that he shouldn't be getting his motivation to work from me having ordered his computer. What's funny is he's downright pissed about it, like I'm screwing him over somehow by having this expectation of him. Before discussions of a new computer even came up he had said he did plan on working in the summer, and now his only motivation to work comes from me ordering a computer? He says I am wasting his summer.. that it's no harm in ordering it first.
He basically states he's not going to apply for jobs now, that he's no longer motivated. I told him the only reason he isn't applying is because I want him to - he agreed. I asked him "what do I get out of you working?" and he admitted he doesn't know, although he stated "control" - and there is the winning ticket. CONTROL. He won't do anything if he thinks I have the upper hand.. this is all about me NOT getting my way (which would be to have him get a job first) - because that is what I want, he won't do it even of it means he won't get a computer.
You are going to have to stay strong. You are doing the right things... ..he has professional support and you are giving him clear instructions to earn things he wants.
I will say that if he does get it together and gets a job...you are going to have to follow through with your end of the bargin and no holding it over his head that he resisted at first. I'd also spin it that if he has a job...he'd have his own money...and he'd be working towards having more control over his own life.
You mention that he gets overwhelmed easily....you may have to really help him through the process of getting a job.
Mine always held summer jobs. If for some reason they chose not to look for one (didn't happen, they all wanted to work), I would have put them to work at home. Weeding, painting, washing the car, etc, to the point where they would have realized they might as well get paid for their labor.
This.
OP - another thought that comes to my mind is that a kid who is depressed and gets poor grades probably shouldn't be spending unlimited time gaming regardless of the job situation. Decrease the screen time and find out what's going on with your son. Get out and DO stuff together.
Ok, so let's say I do this and he flat out refuses to do the assigned chores? What then? You see, we have been having some power struggles over the last year. I know teenagers start trying to gain their own independence but the end result is me feeling like I am walking on eggshells around him. He seems to confuse parenting with control... like I'm getting some personal satisfaction out of "making" him do something for me, whatever that something may be.
So I ask... if a teen refuses to do those assigned chores (because he refuses to get a job), then what? It seems my only options are (1) let him do whatever he wants and play as many games as he wants , or (2) variations of disconnecting him from the internet when I think he's been on too long.
And I agree with you Pitt Chick... he can do both, just WILL he?
Maybe not. But that doesn't mean he should be allowed to play video games instead. I would not order the computer until he had earned half the cost. If that doesn't motivate him, maybe he doesn't need a new gaming computer so badly.
You can't get into a power struggle with a 16 year old, he doesn't have any power except what you bestow on him. He can make your life miserable for sure, but sometimes kids need a wake-up call that they are their own worst enemies. You have to ignore the moodiness, and stay strong, for his sake.
You should schedule a conference with his therapist, especially if you are concerned that saying no will push him further into depression ( it sounds as though you do). I hope she tells you not to let him manipulate you into getting his way, and offers a solution.
Ok, so let's say I do this and he flat out refuses to do the assigned chores? What then? You see, we have been having some power struggles over the last year. I know teenagers start trying to gain their own independence but the end result is me feeling like I am walking on eggshells around him. He seems to confuse parenting with control... like I'm getting some personal satisfaction out of "making" him do something for me, whatever that something may be.
So I ask... if a teen refuses to do those assigned chores (because he refuses to get a job), then what? It seems my only options are (1) let him do whatever he wants and play as many games as he wants , or (2) variations of disconnecting him from the internet when I think he's been on too long.
And I agree with you Pitt Chick... he can do both, just WILL he?
Well, maybe you "flat out" refuse to give him any spending money or "flat out" refuse to give him the car keys or "flat out" refuse to do any "extras" for him or "flat out" remove the gaming system from the house if he "flat out" refuses to do chores around the house.
Who is the parent and who is the child in the house?
Has he had regular chores in the past and now you want him to do extra chores or harder chores?
Or are you just starting to assign chores to him?
BTW, my children had summer jobs and also did a significant amount of extra chores both at home and on their grandparents farm and still had time for fun with their friends (neither did a lot of gaming). That type of schedule (jobs, plus extra summer chores at home) was pretty typical for their friends, too.
Last edited by germaine2626; 06-12-2015 at 10:34 PM..
OP - another thought that comes to my mind is that a kid who is depressed and gets poor grades probably shouldn't be spending unlimited time gaming regardless of the job situation. Decrease the screen time and find out what's going on with your son. Get out and DO stuff together.
At 16 he likely has no experience applying. Check with your local parks and rec...often they will have summer landscape and mowing jobs...and are very amenable to hiring teens. Just don't forget the bug repellent and sun screen
A decent gaming tower should run about $800. That's only about 3 weeks worth of full-time minimum wage work, or about half a summer's worth of part time work.
At 16, I'd be sending him to cram school, sports, and maybe a summer camp. Save working for Jr/Sr year. However, if you can't or don't want to pay for those sort of enrichment activies, or he's not interested, make him work for, and buy his own computer.
A decent gaming tower should run about $800. That's only about 3 weeks worth of full-time minimum wage work, or about half a summer's worth of part time work.
At 16, I'd be sending him to cram school, sports, and maybe a summer camp. Save working for Jr/Sr year. However, if you can't or don't want to pay for those sort of enrichment activies, or he's not interested, make him work for, and buy his own computer.
More good points.
As he is new to job hunting perhaps you can help him by suggesting nearby places where he can apply, you can even help him fill out the first applications and do some practice interviews.
If I were the parent I would not order the gaming equipment/computer/whatever until he had started the summer job or started doing some productive summer activities such as summer school, sports camp, volunteering, or major summer chores. If he is depressed and does seem to want to get involved with anything, except to sit in his dark bedroom all summer playing video games, you can even start with a few simple things such as family picnics, or swimming at a nearby pool, or encouraging him to get together with his friends. They even have summer reading programs at many public libraries. Our local library has really cool raffle prizes for the teenagers.
Good luck you and your family. Please post back what happens.
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