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Why- Well I was using levity a little- stilettos was a joke. But- I don't want my young daughters, again just twelve and fourteen, to be sexualized. I think that pop culture, and the media, are way over the top with this. I don't want them to think that that is how they should get attention from boys necessarily. They have A LOT going for them from the neck up. I'd like them to derive self respect and confidence from their intellect primarily. I know they'll want to be viewed as pretty and attractive, I just don't think high heels on a 12 ans 14 year old is appropriate. :/
Is this even an issue? Do they ask to wear them? I don't see a lot of teens just wearing high heels on a regular basis.
Re the family visits on weekend, unless you have a standing family dinner on Sundays, or something, just have a rule that they need to ask you before finalizing other plans and take it on a case by case basis. And give them a break. Teens don't want to spend every weekend with their family. Be reasonable.
ETA, they are almost 3 years apart in age. There is a big difference between 12 and 15. I don't think their rules should be the same.
Yes, I think your rules are too over the top and your wife might be trying to counter that by being more flexible. Flexible doesn't mean weak. Allowing your kids to negotiate and make their own choices is not weak; it builds critical thinking skills. I think the biggest problem is that you two are parenting oppositely. When co parenting, you don't have to parent exactly the same, but you need to be on the same page and BOTH be flexible. You don't seem very flexible.
Honestly, I would throw out the makeup, clothing and shoe rules. Seriously, pick your battles. Unless they start looking like streetwalkers, there is no need to have any input in their personal appearance; that is your own insecurity. Kids need freedom to express themselves and make choices and having control of one's body and how it looks is an easy place to start. If you want them to listen to the more important rules like being home on time and checking in, you need to let other minor stuff go.
I think requiring them to visit family EVERY weekend is a little much. They should be able to have quality time with their friends too. My husband's parents never had friends when my husband was growing up and they still don't. They ONLY hang out with their family members and it's obvious by how awkward they are when trying to converse with people they haven't known their whole lives. Holidays, birthdays, other important events, yes required, but every weekend? Let them live a little.
I agree that your wife does too much for them. They are old enough to maintain their own rooms, bodies and keep up with homework. I would wean them off of this slowly, starting with personal chores (beds, laundry etc), then homework last. But assure them help is always there for school if they need it. For me, I liked to come home and relax after school and I did my homework after dinner. My parents had zero involvement with my homework once I was in high school. It wasn't a planned thing, it's just how it was. I personally don't think homework needs a specific time as long as it's getting done. Your kids might actually preform better if their brains are able to rest for a bit or they'll learn yeah maybe directly after school is best. Again I think flexibility is good here. Your wife won't be there to aid them with homework in college so they need to learn now how to manage it on their own.
All in all you two need to have a private discussion and work out some compromises, then add your kids to the mix and let them decide some of the rules too, some that work for them as well. If they *feel* more in control they'll be likely to comply and follow through rather than feel the need to rebel to dad's dictations.
Why- Well I was using levity a little- stilettos was a joke. But- I don't want my young daughters, again just twelve and fourteen, to be sexualized. I think that pop culture, and the media, are way over the top with this. I don't want them to think that that is how they should get attention from boys necessarily. They have A LOT going for them from the neck up. I'd like them to derive self respect and confidence from their intellect primarily. I know they'll want to be viewed as pretty and attractive, I just don't think high heels on a 12 ans 14 year old is appropriate. :/
They aren't, but you need to realize that you won't be able to completely eliminate this influence from their lives. This is an age at which girls start to realize that their appearance has social value, and it becomes VERY important to them.
Have you been clothes shopping for them lately, I mean just to have a look at what is out there, or is it something that only your wife does?
Don't forget to include positive reinforcement along the way.
Always. I've been doing that since they were very young. Very good reminder, on that point. You have grown children Wmsn4life? Are they happy and well adjusted adults? This is what I want most for my girls.
They aren't, but you need to realize that you won't be able to completely eliminate this influence from their lives. This is an age at which girls start to realize that their appearance has social value, and it becomes VERY important to them.
Have you been clothes shopping for them lately, I mean just to have a look at what is out there, or is it something that only your wife does?
We have done together. I want on a hunt for a Cammy. Only I didn't know what it was called at the time. I went to the gap and Banana Republic and both I and my wife were able to get, with the help of one of the sales girls. That solved the bra and excessive side exposure. I really don't like that look on teen girls... not nice at all. As far as tightness with the clothes, I'm just trying to remind my wife that we need to upgrade as they grow taller and otherwise. I'm not concerned with the money spent, I think my wife is a bit. I just want them in well fitting clothing.
As an aside, my 14 year old just called 20 minutes ago, as it is dark out, and asked if her time out can be extended till 6:30; she is in her friend Rachel's house in the next building. She called and asked, nicely, and said 'I Love you Daddy, at the end of the call'.
I love them and want the best for them. I posted here because I want to be sure, that I'm not over doing it. Sometimes opinions from uninterested parties that you do not know, totally objective is extremely valuable.
I've learned a few things here tonight... thank you guys.
I never had rules about what I could and couldn't wear, and it was never an issue. Unless they are actively trying to dress like hoochies, I wouldn't make a preemptive rule. If your wife teaches as they go, they should pretty much know what is and isn't appropriate. If it becomes an issue, address it then.
I suggest you start family meetings and negotiate some of these rules. You will have your non-negotiable points, but bending a bit really makes a difference in compliance.
We were going on a family vacation with our teens. We negotiated the rules and they didn't break one single one! Not in 9 days and while having their own room, cash and transportation. When their mom (my step kids) would take them on trips, she would set down a list of rules and the entire trip would be a nightmare of them breaking everyone and things like them being locked out of their hotel room or showing up drunk. I learned something really important from that about teens and rules.
Thanks HighFlyingBird- That is good advice. Kinda like having employees offer solutions to problems, then implementing those solutions. The thinking is, is that, they'll be more likely to adhere to the solutions, since they participated in implementing them.
I'll keep thint in mind. I kinda forgot about that. But- I am flexible with them For instance the 'Phones off after 9' rule was originally 8 or 8:30 but when they balked, I was flexible.
Thanks HighFlyingBird- That is good advice. Kinda like having employees offer solutions to problems, then implementing those solutions. The thinking is, is that, they'll be more likely to adhere to the solutions, since they participated in implementing them.
I'll keep thint in mind. I kinda forgot about that. But- I am flexible with them For instance the 'Phones off after 9' rule was originally 8 or 8:30 but when they balked, I was flexible.
It isn't about "giving in". It's about working out solutions to problems with them.
Just one comment. What is it with so many parents that expect their kids to do homework before leisure or anything else? Jeez, they've been in school all day and they can't have a little bit of leisure/free time before doing homework? How about changing that to Homework before bedtime? Let them schedule it.
After getting home from school, we watched a little tv, ate dinner, hung out with the neighbor kids and came inside in time to do the evening's homework. Then tv (if any time was left), then bedtime.
Come on, cut that out.
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Very good reminder, on that point. You have grown children Wmsn4life? Are they happy and well adjusted adults? This is what I want most for my girls.
I went to the gap and Banana Republic and both I and my wife were able to get, with the help of one of the sales girls. That solved the bra and excessive side exposure. I really don't like that look on teen girls... not nice at all. As far as tightness with the clothes, I'm just trying to remind my wife that we need to upgrade as they grow taller and otherwise. I'm not concerned with the money spent, I think my wife is a bit. I just want them in well fitting clothing.
