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One last thing I'll mention that has really made a big difference with my 15 yo is discussing more and more with him WHY we have these rules/guidelines in our house. The reason I tell him is because it's mostly for two things 1. So there is peace and order in the house and family during their teen years and this benefits everyone 2. So we can lay the foundation for his future as best we can. I think it's important to get my son thinking about his future plans and goals now, and showing him the rewards and outcome for dedication and persistence. He understands that if he puts the time and effort in now, he could be in a great position in life by the time he is 30. We talk a lot about career paths and how it can be difficult to change gears once you're an adult. He's thinking about med school, and this now provides an intrinsic motivating factor for him to keep the grades up because he sees the rewards. He's aware that he could be making a very solid salary in a solid career by the time he's in his early 30's versus far less if he just drifts along with no plan which is where I see many of his friends going. I saw this exact dynamic take place with my little brother who by ninth grade knew that he wanted to become an attorney. My parents did not pressure him into this whatsoever. He was old enough for this to become a strong intrinsic motivator, and it drove him straight to a good state college, and then onto Yale Law school with a scholarship. By ninth grade, he knew he wanted this and why, and he now has a solid career and earning potential because he put the time and effort in starting at age 14-15. . My plan is to take my son around soon to see some good colleges and soak in the atmosphere with the types of people/atmosphere there to continue to show him vividly why all the structure, rules, expectations are set in place for....his future and his life! Helping him form a goal for himself and talking realistically about it has made a big difference, and he's mostly on board with our rules and it's a lot less like pulling teeth to get him to do things these days.
That's my last word of advice! As your daughters get older, show them wonderful things that they can someday have IF they put the time and effort in NOW and it may help make the rules and expectations make more sense to them!! Good luck!!
I agree with Mattie. There have to be limits and rules for things like underage drinking, dating, not breaking actual laws, etc. Years from now, it will not matter if one of them wore a tank top or a short skirt, or wore more makeup than you'd like. If you overdo the rules, they'll rebel. Keep it as little looser, and they won't feel like they have to. Like I said earlier, there are ways to deal with the clothes and makeup without making it a "rule."
The girls are responsible and get good grades, but exhibit VERY bratty behavior at times (more so with the younger). And often talk down to my wife; very disrespectfully at times. My wife is a doting Mom that makes their beds for them, helps with homework and studying every single night (when she backs off the studying and homework a little, the grades end up dropping; they’ve come to rely on her help too much), and she blows their hair, lays their clothes out, etc. I tell her that they've become so used to this lifestyle that they've come to expect it. My wife is like a personal valet.
I fail to see how setting boundaries are going to help your situation. Their mother needs to quit being a doormat, and your kids need to learn some respect.
If these were my kids, they wouldn't have laptops or smartphones, period. I don't put up with disrespectful behavior and I damn sure won't enable it or reward it.
I agree with your rules for the most part; personally I'd let the makeup slide a bit (it covers up acne and can really help the confidence of a young teen). However, it doesn't matter what I say one bit. You and your wife need to get on the same page; one of you cannot always be the rule setter--has to be upfront rules you both agree on. My husband and I often disagree with parenting decisions though we try (I say try bc this isn't necessarily consistent) to back up each other in front of the kids. My husband is like you; we have rules and we stick to them. I however often see gray areas with raising children and just family life in general. After all, we aren't running a bootcamp; we are raising children to be functioning independent adults and sometimes these rules have to be flexible.
1. Home before sunset.Below you say home right after school. Which is it?
2. All homework should be completed before laptops/smartphone play.
3. All smartphones off at 9pm sharp every week night; 10pm on weekends. It is polite not to call people after 9, but it seems a little early to say no phone at all (they could still be checking e-mail, playing games, or whatever)
4. On the weekend days designated to visit relatives; no arguments. Any plans with friends, on weekends are to be checked with Mom and Dad prior to the weekend, when possible.Plans should be cleared with you first, but really? every weekend visiting relatives? That's too much IMO
5. No daily makeup before sixteen. On special occasions, light makeup with Mom and Dad’s approval.Too strict. I started playing with makeup in middle school. So did everyone else.
6. No tight or revealing clothing; all clothes should be respectful to oneself and others.
7. No high heels exceeding 2 inches. Ever? What about school dances, etc?
8. Home right after school. If plans are to be made with friends, they should be cleared with parents. Come home, change, plan for homework to be done later, then can go out. But, the general rule is home after school, homework/done, then leisure. Again, allowances can be made on occasion, as long as grades are where they should be, etc.
9. Smartphones silenced, and in a designated basket, in Mom and Dad’s bedroom, when homework/studying is underway. When all complete, can use.OK, but is this really necessary?
10. GPA must be 85% or higher. 90% preferably. Always strive for better. Some kids aren't capable of this.
Am I an unreasonable Father? Thanks for any advice/opinions/ thoughts in advance.
I think you are a bit strict. I think you aren't allowing your kids to gain your trust because you don't allow them any slack. Is it not enough to say "you can't use your phones while you study? Do you really have to have them hidden away in your room?
1. I want my kids in bed by 9pm. No need for a phone at that time.
2. I like the makeup rule. Our daughter is only 9 and about all she gets now is lip gloss. I would prefer she stay young as long as possible. I mean what is the point of makeup in middle school?
3. I don't see the need for kids to be on the phone or playing games at all hours of the night. we limit the time that they are on games and phones. No phones till high school is our rule. Game time is limited to half an hour a day.
4. Most kids are capable of getting good grades. It may take work to get there but it can happen.
1. I want my kids in bed by 9pm. No need for a phone at that time.
2. I like the makeup rule. Our daughter is only 9 and about all she gets now is lip gloss. I would prefer she stay young as long as possible. I mean what is the point of makeup in middle school?
3. I don't see the need for kids to be on the phone or playing games at all hours of the night. we limit the time that they are on games and phones. No phones till high school is our rule. Game time is limited to half an hour a day.
4. Most kids are capable of getting good grades. It may take work to get there but it can happen.
You want to send a 15 year old to bed at 9? Good luck.
I say the same thing to you I said to the op. You are too strict. Good luck with that.
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