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Old 02-05-2008, 12:33 PM
 
Location: PA-- and proud!
82 posts, read 173,142 times
Reputation: 83

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Because I'm not sure. I'm 27 and my husband is 32. We've been married 4 years. Growing up I felt a little different than my friends. They would talk about one day getting married and having babies. It never occurred to me to think about or want those things. I didn't play with dolls, but was very interested in animals. I told my parents that I never wanted to have kids. People didn't take me seriously until I hit my 20s and hadn't changed my mind. My family would now agree that they can't imagine me having kids. Most people who know me would agree that I'm not the mothering type. Since getting married, no one has pressured me to have kids. My parents and in-laws never mention grandkids.

When I met my husband, we discussed children early on and agreed that neither of us wanted them. At least that's how I remember it. My husband now claims this conversation never took place. I will concede that during this conversation we both also agreed we never wanted to get married, and obviously we changed our minds about that. We didn't talk about kids again before we married. I know that's not ideal, but I got married at 22 and we weren't thinking.

Right after we got married it was like a switch flipped in me. All of a sudden I wanted a baby NOW. My husband was not pleased. We fought about it all the time. He didn't think we had enough money even though we had just bought a townhome and still had 30K in the bank. We were too young. We had to be married longer. He made it sound like having a baby would be the worst thing that could possibly happen to us, and only focused on the negatives.

I mellowed out about a year after we married and have been in the no-kids camp ever since. I think my reversal was due to a combination of factors, but I don't think my husband's dooms-day attitude helped.

Only problem is that 10 months ago my husband said he wanted a baby. And now he wants one NOW. Even though we're still living in the townhome he thought was not good enough for children, and when we do buy a single family home (hopefully this year or the next) we'll have even less in the bank than when we were too poor for a baby.

I have to admit, part of me is deeply resentful that he took away my goal of being a young mom, for being so negative about having a baby and then changing tune and expecting me to instantly fall in line. I like taking the road less traveled. There's something exciting about being young and in love and having a baby just after getting married. Having a baby 5 years after getting married when you're of acceptable northeast maternal age-- not as exciting. I have also gotten very used to it being just the two of us. I like the peace and quiet. I like having free time.

I don't think I'd be a very good mom. I'm selfish and very unaware of events around me. I'm wrapped up in myself. I have a hard time keeping plants alive. I'm a bit lazy, and I can't handle chaos. I actually feel less ready for a child than I was 4 years ago, because, historically, my husband has always been a very self-indulgent person and me a very motivated one, but I have become more like him. We spend a lot of time watching television and on the internet. We can barely keep the house clean.

We have agreed to stay together regardless of the child issue, but my husband has said that having a child is very important to him. I don't think I want a child, but I don't know. I don't know how much of me wants to stay childfree and how much of me is still resentful for him telling me no but expecting me to tell him yes. I don't know if we'd make good parents. I don't know if we'd really have financial problems or if I'm just making excuses.

How did you know if you wanted kids? Was anyone as conflicted as I am?

(sorry for the length)
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Old 02-05-2008, 12:36 PM
 
Location: Brunswick, ME (Hometown: Newark, N.J.)
170 posts, read 430,246 times
Reputation: 110
My twins were an accident. My wife recently wanted more children and we had vicious fights about it. I dunno. Maybe it's a woman thing? I look at our financial and married situation and we're flat out..not ready. She seems to have gotten over it and now wants me to get snipped.
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Old 02-05-2008, 12:47 PM
 
Location: CA
2,464 posts, read 5,686,944 times
Reputation: 2587
No one says you have to have kids. It's not for everyone and your life can be just as fulfilling without being a parent if that's what you want - not everyone is cut out for it anyway. If you can't think of one really good reason to have a child then I'm not really sure what you are confused about????
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Old 02-05-2008, 12:55 PM
 
1,363 posts, read 5,342,463 times
Reputation: 848
I don't know that I necessarily knew I wanted them, but I definately knew I didn't NOT want them. Does that make sense? I had our first child after we were married for 5 years, 2 weeks before I turned 30. The whole time I was pregnant I kept asking my husband, "Are you sure we should really be doing this? Aren't you going to miss just being US and being able to get up and go whenever we want?" I can't tell you what to do for you and your husband, but I can tell you I'm very glad we waited the 5 years and built a solid marriage to build our family on. I was definately better prepared to be a mother at 30 than I was at 25. I could have done it, but not as well as I think I'm doing now. But that being said, it's no like there's a switch that gets turned when you become a parent and you lose what you like about not being a parent. It just changes. You can't really base it on what you see others doing because your child and your circumstances are specific to you and your husband so you will make parenting and your family what you want it and what fits best for you.

I was apprehensive, but wouldn't have it any other way now. I can't imagine what my life would be like without my daughter, what OUR life would be like without her. And I can't keep a plant alive to save my life either. LOL.
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Old 02-05-2008, 01:12 PM
 
440 posts, read 236,417 times
Reputation: 117
Quote:
Originally Posted by Preaching2thechoir View Post
He made it sound like having a baby would be the worst thing that could possibly happen to us, and only focused on the negatives.

I mellowed out about a year after we married and have been in the no-kids camp ever since. I think my reversal was due to a combination of factors, but I don't think my husband's dooms-day attitude helped.
I never wanted kids and the last thing I ever wanted to be was a single parent.

I was completely happy and content at the thought of never having a child and while all of my friends were having their kids in their early 20's, (some married, some not) I never envied them and was relieved that my life was my own.

I would not encourage you to have children if you are "selfish" or content with the way your life is. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting to have children. Motherhood like everything else in life has its ups and downs, and every female who has a baby isn't a mother.

If my birth control pills hadn't made me that 1% possibility, as much as I love my son, he would not have been here. 18 years later, I still miss the life I could have had.

Enjoy your life and be confident that you are making the right decision.

Best of luck to you and your husband!
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Old 02-05-2008, 01:37 PM
 
12,438 posts, read 13,091,627 times
Reputation: 8888
we wanted to have kids, just couldn't decide when, so we played Russian roulette with birth control only using it half the time. People tried to talk us out of having kids at all. It does change your life and your relationship as a couple forever. I was told and it proved to be true, that having kids magnifies and finds the cracks in your relationship: that is the good things get better and the bad things get worse and fall apart on you.

My only advice is don't have kids for the WRONG REASONS, such as to keep a man, to fix a marriage, to trap someone into staying with you, because you're "lonely and want someone to love," to please the parents, to please the in-laws.

I find it admirable and positive that so many people choose to remain childless and I fully support anyone who chooses that route, too many people have kids for the wrong reasons and everyone suffers.
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Old 02-05-2008, 01:56 PM
 
Location: Santa Barbara
1,474 posts, read 2,585,630 times
Reputation: 942
My family would now agree that they can't imagine me having kids. Most people who know me would agree that I'm not the mothering type. Since getting married, no one has pressured me to have kids. My parents and in-laws never mention grandkids.


Right after we got married it was like a switch flipped in me. All of a sudden I wanted a baby NOW. My husband was not pleased. We fought about it all the time. He didn't think we had enough money even though we had just bought a townhome and still had 30K in the bank. We were too young. We had to be married longer. He made it sound like having a baby would be the worst thing that could possibly happen to us, and only focused on the negatives.

Only problem is that 10 months ago my husband said he wanted a baby. And now he wants one NOW. Even though we're still living in the townhome he thought was not good enough for children, and when we do buy a single family home (hopefully this year or the next) we'll have even less in the bank than when we were too poor for a baby.

I have to admit, part of me is deeply resentful that he took away my goal of being a young mom, for being so negative about having a baby and then changing tune and expecting me to instantly fall in line. I like taking the road less traveled. There's something exciting about being young and in love and having a baby just after getting married. Having a baby 5 years after getting married when you're of acceptable northeast maternal age-- not as exciting. I have also gotten very used to it being just the two of us. I like the peace and quiet. I like having free time.

I don't think I'd be a very good mom. I'm selfish and very unaware of events around me. I'm wrapped up in myself. I have a hard time keeping plants alive. I'm a bit lazy, and I can't handle chaos. I actually feel less ready for a child than I was 4 years ago, because, historically, my husband has always been a very self-indulgent person and me a very motivated one, but I have become more like him. We spend a lot of time watching television and on the internet. We can barely keep the house clean.


How did you know if you wanted kids? Was anyone as conflicted as I am?

(sorry for the length)[/quote]

I know for a fact I do NOT want kids and took the steps to make sure it never happens. It sounds to me like you don't want them and wouldn't make a good parent (sorry if that offends). Kids should not be the result of an impulsive decision especially since you have gone from heck no to yes, to heck no. I think (and I am sure many of you will disagree) that if you aren't sure but want to see if the desire is real, wait 3 years before revisiting it. If after 3 years you want one with all your heart, go for it. This gives you the time for the ebb and flow of want kids/never want kids. Your husband needs to cool his jets since he wasn't ready when you were and you are not ready when he is. If he wants something to love and take care of, give him a puppy or kitten (not being snarky). See how much of the day to day care he takes on as it relates to baby animal. Who would be the primary care giver of the child? How does he help with the day to day chores with it just being you and him? You need to think how YOUR life will change when you become a parent and see if that is acceptable to you. If you decide to stay childfree and get the urge to be around small people, be a Big Brother or Big Sister, volunteer at a hospital, be a foster parent. As I have said time and again, kids deserve to be fully wanted by both parents. To have one when you don't want one just to make the spouse happy is sure to doom your marriage.
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Old 02-05-2008, 02:00 PM
 
Location: Dallas, NC
1,703 posts, read 3,452,675 times
Reputation: 807
Before I met my husband, I thought I wanted 1 maybe 2 kids. But I always wondered if I'd be a good mom b/c my mother died when I was 2. I was always scared about having one. I got married in Sept. 98, 2 weeks before my 27 birthday and was pregnant in April 99! I don't regret it one bit. I'm young enough to enjoy my son and be cool but old enough to be a parent. I have friends who chose not to have children and are very happy that way. They travel, go out all the time. Me, on the other hand, I can't imagine my life any differently. I'm always at a gym or ball field, birthday party, have kids at my house, etc.

Not everyone who gives birth is a mother. If you really don't want to bring a child in this world, don't. There are enough of those kids out there. Good luck!
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Old 02-05-2008, 04:06 PM
 
Location: Turn Left at Greenland
17,698 posts, read 34,861,113 times
Reputation: 7940
I didn't want anything to do with motherhood until I turned 30. It wasn't a time clock thing either. I just didn't feel like I could handle the responsibilities until I turned 30. I'm glad it worked out that way because I'm a much happier and calm mother than I would have been if I had kids in my 20's.
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Old 02-05-2008, 04:12 PM
 
Location: New York
371 posts, read 1,785,029 times
Reputation: 250
What a great question! I am very sure you will hear many different responses as everyone is so very different with this life altering choice.

I, myself, was married 12 years before we decided to have a child. Can you believe it! What a mind blowing change it was for us. We were always a twosome and had quite a fun City life. I worked as well as him in decent jobs. I was 36 years old when my son was born and it was the best and I mean very best thing that has ever happened in my life! I am not saying it will be that way for you, but you asked how did I know I wanted kids. I NEVER knew if I would ever become a mother, but then husband and self decided at the same time that we needed more. It was an adjustment, but I would do it all over again.

Good luck with your decision and don't be ashamed if you decide not to have any children. You would not be the only couple in the world not to have kids. It is such a personal decision and you may "know" that you will "never" have any and then a new dawn arises and something stirs inside you. You can't predict your future, but you can be happy with life as it is now and go with the flow. I wish you all the happiness you can handle!!
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