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In any case, my mother made the rounds, introducing me to the folks she knew. And every time she introduced me, she'd add afterwards in an apologetic whisper "She's very white." I am not kidding.
Hahahaha! This literally made me laugh out loud!
Hilarious as it is, it does go to show how we tend to want what we don't have. I think emphasizing qualities other than looks, and truly appreciating diversity (in its many forms) are healthy ways to combat the very common tendency to think others have it better than we do.
I think you just have to emphasize the diversity of beauty that is out there and her individual beauty. Who wants to be a cookie cutter?
I'm white as hell, and I'm from New Jersey. My family are big beach goers, but I tend to avoid that these days as I don't want to look like an alligator when I'm 60. When I visited, my mother dragged me to the pool at her adult community, where the older generation was basically engaged in a large undeclared tanning competition. It looked like feeding time at the crocodile pit - I kinda wanted to toss a raw chicken into the pool and see what happened.
In any case, my mother made the rounds, introducing me to the folks she knew. And every time she introduced me, she'd add afterwards in an apologetic whisper "She's very white." I am not kidding.
You may want to tell your daughter that pale-skinned people spend millions of dollars a year and risk disfiguring skin cancer so that they can get closer to her skin tone.
LOL, this is me!! (However my mom didn't introduce me that way!). I am pale as a ghost and felt very self conscious when I was younger. All my friends were very dark, except me. I felt inferior and ugly.
That said, every child is different. Kathryn has experience with this and gave sound advice. This correlates to daughter.
I also like the poster whose mother showed her all her beautiful traits, that would have helped me tremendously. It's hard for many to see the beauty in themselves. Even at 4.
I think for now I would just let the comment slide. If she continues to say she isn't pretty because of her skin you could look on Pinterest for pictures of children of all colors, because all colors are beautiful. I would also not only compliment her looks but her intelligence, her kindness, her manners, after all those traits are so much more important than physical traits.
I had to pause for a moment before posting this because I find it personal but I'm hoping that maybe someone can offer me some advice. I want to say the right thing and do the right thing. We are a multiracial household. I am of West Indian/Native American/Brasilian heritage (so basically I'm white, black, and native - my mother has the Jamaican/Native descent and my father is of african, white, and native descent, like many brasilians). My husband is Mexican. Our two children, girls, are of mixed race. As genes are wont to do, one girl (my 9 year old) is more of a lighter/tanned olive while the other (4 years old) is clearly more of a bronze complexion with dark hair and dark eyes. One child favors her father and the other heavily favors me (as one can see from my pic I have darker skinned, dark hair and dark eyes)
Out of the blue the other day, my four year old mentioned that she doesn't feel pretty because she has darker skin. I was momentarily taken aback because I don't understand how came to that conclusion for a number of reasons - a) we never make any comments about skin color or anything in our home, b) I haven't heard anyone make comments about her skin color. In fact, a lot of people find her to be pretty and routinely compliment her, and c) she is quite young to think such a thing. I don't understand why she would feel "not pretty", especially due to complexion.
I need advice because like I said, I really want to handle this well. What I absolutely don't want is for her self esteem to be tied to such a thing as skin color. Quite frankly that makes me sad. I didn't have that have that issue because frankly where I grew up (in NYC) there were many different types of faces. I never once thought about the color of my skin. I am what I am. Unfortunately, her world (in Texas) isn't particularly diverse. The neighborhood we live in is mostly White, the school she will attend is mostly White, her friends are White. I can only speculate that she is becoming aware of her difference because of this. Or the fact that none of her cousins on the Mexican side of her family look like her. I don't know.
Thanks in advance.
I find this hard to believe. I remember my life at the age of 4, and know that as a 4 year old I was blind to skin colour simply because whatever I saw was normal for me. I had no awareness of colour of skin, and no context for which to say that one is prettier over another. I think you should talk to your child and ask her where she heard about skin colour and prettiness, as clearly this is an idea that was put into her head. I would go to the source and deal with that person. Once you understand the origin of the idea, it will be an awful lot easier to provide your daughter a healthy understanding of who she is.
I think there are two issues here- I don't really have advice on how to handle but I think they are both important issues :
First, the issue of female body image, everything tied into being pretty, etc. That's a separate issue to your daughter feeling "different" about how she looks. I bet that "someone(s)" is teasing her about her skin color., or at the very least has mentioned it.
With kids that age, I always go back and ask why she is bringing it up.
And for girls, I think it's super important to emphasize smarts. Not in a "nobody cares about looks, the important thing is school and career" but just focus on books, reading, museums, school etc.
I find this hard to believe. I remember my life at the age of 4, and know that as a 4 year old I was blind to skin colour simply because whatever I saw was normal for me. I had no awareness of colour of skin, and no context for which to say that one is prettier over another. I think you should talk to your child and ask her where she heard about skin colour and prettiness, as clearly this is an idea that was put into her head. I would go to the source and deal with that person. Once you understand the origin of the idea, it will be an awful lot easier to provide your daughter a healthy understanding of who she is.
My daughter said it at 4. My son started talking about skin color at 4 as well. He was 3 when to pointed out that my color was different then his color and he looked more like his friend then me.
I am related to your matter. I am mix too but my daughter is quiet dark than me due to her father being an Asian. When my daughter was 5 she made the same comment to me " mama I think dark skin is not cute" I was confused but I was talking to her with out any reaction. Few days later one of her friends mom told me that she hear from her daughter that some kids tell my daughter that Dark skin is not cute. What I told my daughter "Skin color does not matters except who you are ,what you can do just show them who you are with your skills, let them know that you are some kind of something not just a dark girl" That helped a lot. Now she is top marks from everything and going in to a very good direction with studies. She is now 10. I doubt your daughter might hear from a class friend.Little kids some times can be very mean. Make your child strong teach her how to have a thick skin.
She should be shown pics of her relatives from both sides of the family and simply explained to, how people's skin tone can vary a lot, and, it has nothing to do with prettiness. She's 4. That's about all she needs to know at this point. Maybe a little "playtime" with mom in front of a mirror, something like donning a wig, a little makeup, whatever - just to illustrate to her that's she's really no different than anybody else. Just don't overdo it. She's impressionable at that age and can sense things overdone, as a "problem."
On that topic, (maybe an interesting forum) on both sides of our (entirely white European) family there were outliers, none of which as adults, felt in any way inferior in looks, nor was it ever addressed. My mother's cousin (one in 10 of those relatives, otherwise very light Mediterranean - some with light brown hair) was very dark, in fact, as a young kid, I thought she was Pearl Bailey! On my dad's side, pasty white Poles had a recurrent "gene" that showed up on an entirely isolated basis, where the person looked like someone from Mongolia (not a trisomy - just Mongolian). They had slightly Asian eyes, and "tight" swarthy skin, very dark, almost black hair (most of the rest were platinum blondes and isolated redheads). Interestingly, in both cases, these people's kids looked like the rest of the bunch. And no - there was no extramarital stuff going on there.
Sisters make comparisons. Not every comment has to lead to a big discussion. I would say "You are just the right color for you!" and remind her how much you love her.
This.
About 5 or 6 grade my daughter was teased and hated her looks because she was fair compared to her Hispanic and Mediterranean friends. And they gave her a hard time when I picked her up and they saw my red headed blue eyed pale self. Kids can be unkind and bullies go right for a weakness.
4 years old seems to be a little young for that sort of stuff and is probably just an observation so I would say don't make a big deal of it. Remind her she is loved, beautiful inside, and beautiful being herself
The bully thing is a different kettle of fish though and is just a be ready comment
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