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Old 03-14-2016, 07:26 AM
 
8,725 posts, read 8,934,157 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by skilldeadly View Post
Money wise, she refuses to curtail her spending. My daughter enjoys all the extras, but they are just that, extras. If she actually budgeted and didn't blow her money every month, she would have plenty to live on her own.

Why should she have to live all alone for the rest of her life? What kind of life is that?


I'm sure there are some mutual benefits to her as well as being a full-time parent is hard work. Just to have someone around to give you 5 minutes to take a shower, or hit the head, or collect your thoughts is HUGE. She might want to support of someone else around her, and for all we know, she really loves this guy.




You have no court order, so there is not much you can do to stop her. It's prob in your better interest to get to know him, vs being paranoid. Ask to meet him, talk to him, etc etc. Keep in touch and keep tabs. There's nothing you can do about her and his relationship, all you can do is try and make sure that he's good to your child.








I'm in a split family situation myself. I bought a home with my G/F and her son, and my child lives with his mom and fiancé. Everyone knows each other, everyone plays well. That's the only way it's going to work out.
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Old 03-14-2016, 06:24 PM
 
300 posts, read 242,918 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zen88 View Post
Isn't a child statistically most likely to be molested by the mother's boyfriend than anyone else?
This is actually true, statistically. It doesn't mean this boyfriend will molest the daughter but yes, having a non-biological adult living in the home is a huge risk factor in predicting sexual abuse. Read "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin de Becker.
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Old 03-14-2016, 06:47 PM
 
12,921 posts, read 19,803,871 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VelouriaPDX View Post
This is actually true, statistically. It doesn't mean this boyfriend will molest the daughter but yes, having a non-biological adult living in the home is a huge risk factor in predicting sexual abuse. Read "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin de Becker.
No. It's "a" risk factor, not a "huge" risk factor.
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Old 03-14-2016, 06:50 PM
 
35,121 posts, read 37,842,380 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by skilldeadly View Post
So you guys have been very helpful with issues pertaining to my daughters mom. Right now my daughter and her mom live in her parents house. My exes sisters used to live there, they are both in rehab and not coming back to the house. Her father moved to Florida. Her Mom put the house on the market, got an offer, and most likely May or June they will be moving out. Her Mom is moving to NC. She is going to stay on LI for one more year so my daughter can go to kindergarten.

She has a boyfriend who she met online through a dating site. They started talking around July of last year, started dating around August of last year. He was around my daughter early, about Sept or October as a "friend". He spent nights at the house in a separate bedroom. The problem I have is that she insists she cant afford to live on LI by herself because she is barely making ends meet right now paying what she pays. So she needs to move in with him which will then provide someone that can drop her off to school in the morning and help out.

I live in Queens and about an hour train ride away from their current home. I'm not sure exactly where she will move, most likely a bit closer. We had plans in the future to live very close to each other that way I can help more. I see my daughter every weekend and holidays as well as when I take her on vacation to visit my parents. I have been involved in her life very closely especially when we lived together.

I totally disagree with them moving in together given that my daughter knows him as a friend so it will be highly confusing and jarring. After losing direct contact with her aunts, her grandpa, and soon to be her grandma the idea of throwing her into a home with a guy within 9-10 months of knowing him seems like a poor choice. She stated that it's either move in with him, or move to NC with her mom and I never get to see her. She insisted that unless I'm willing to pay more money, those are the options.

My friend told me to ask her what it would take money wise to cover her expenses to live by herself. Well she came back with "its not just about money, we are ready to take the next step with him". Total change from what she initially said which was it was about money. Going over money, she also make decent money, and spends a lot of it. She refuses to get rid of karate, dance, soccer. She gets clothes delivered every month. She eats out a lot. She spent almost 3k on a cruise last year and wants to take my daughter on her birthday to Disney.

I know this was long but I'm highly frustrated. I think given all the turmoil in the household and the amount of change she has been through, she shouldnt be put in a situation where emotionally she could be destroyed. Even through all this change she does amazing in Pre K, she's a great kid, and she doesn't really act out. I have asked to speak to both of them without my daughter around to air out the grievances.

Edited to add: I see where you stated you do not want a court order so in light of that, good luck.


To whomever wrote a reputation comment, sign it or don't write it please, thank you in advance.

Last edited by CSD610; 03-14-2016 at 07:22 PM..
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Old 03-14-2016, 07:31 PM
 
300 posts, read 242,918 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
No. It's "a" risk factor, not a "huge" risk factor.
Well perhaps your definition of "huge" and mine are different.

"Children who live with a single parent that has a live-in partner are at the highest risk: they are 20 times more likely to be victims of child sexual abuse than children living with both biological parents" (Sedlack, et. al., 2010).

ETA: That's even higher than children in foster care for whom the stat is 10 times more likely. (Same study).
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Old 03-14-2016, 08:30 PM
 
3,325 posts, read 3,265,843 times
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You need a court order with shared legal custody and visitation pronto. Mom could move away with kid. And yes, your child is in danger, but there is nothing you can do to stop it. Stay very involved. Be very friendly to both ex and her new boyfriend. And get that court order.
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Old 03-14-2016, 09:39 PM
 
6,455 posts, read 9,512,203 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
You need a court order with shared legal custody and visitation pronto. Mom could move away with kid. And yes, your child is in danger, but there is nothing you can do to stop it. Stay very involved. Be very friendly to both ex and her new boyfriend. And get that court order.
Yup, I wanted to write this earlier, but you put it much better.

OP, sometimes when a new live-in comes on the scene, all of a sudden, the custodial parent wants the new live-in to be "mummy/daddy" and squeeze the other parent (you) out. That's why you need to get some kind of legal arrangement, because without it, you're screwed if they decide to play that game.
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Old 03-14-2016, 09:42 PM
 
12,921 posts, read 19,803,871 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VelouriaPDX View Post
Well perhaps your definition of "huge" and mine are different.

"Children who live with a single parent that has a live-in partner are at the highest risk: they are 20 times more likely to be victims of child sexual abuse than children living with both biological parents" (Sedlack, et. al., 2010).

ETA: That's even higher than children in foster care for whom the stat is 10 times more likely. (Same study).
That doesn't mean live-in partners are 20Xs more likely to abuse!
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Old 03-14-2016, 10:33 PM
 
300 posts, read 242,918 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
That doesn't mean live-in partners are 20Xs more likely to abuse!
If you actually care you could learn quite a bit by reading up on this but you sound kind of defensive about it.
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Old 03-15-2016, 12:20 AM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
17,580 posts, read 21,770,947 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zen88 View Post
Isn't a child statistically most likely to be molested by the mother's boyfriend than anyone else?

Yes. That is true. http://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2011/04/3181/

I would be very uncomfortable with this situation. Children should be able to live in their home free of boyfriends on parade. Or girlfriends.

The most dangerous place in America for a child - is in his or her own home, when it is shared with an unrelated romantic partner of a parent.

If I were the OP, I would be seeing an attorney.
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