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I could say, value experiences more than material things, but my kids had both.
I could say, worry less about being judged, but nobody wants their child to be the pariah in school by being too different.
I could say let your children experience disappointment, but it's unavoidable, and will happen anyway.
I could say let your child fight their own battles, but not every child has the wherewithal to be their own advocate, and they need to know a parent has their back.
I could say keep the family bonds strong, but plenty of families break apart despite the best intentions.
So, what I will say is this, we all try our best. Our kids grow up to be their own persons anyway, for better or worse. Relax, and just enjoy the journey.
Second-guessing is worthless and can only cause anxiety/guilt. All that counts is in the moment.
It's a process and at every different stage in their lives and our lives it may call for a different approach. So, I think you never really "get there." Eventually the roles become more equally balanced and may even be switched towards a parent's last years.
Love them no matter what, make sure they know it and trust in your intuition.
'Its a process and every stage may call for a different approach'
I need to remember that. Engrave it in a bracelet even.
Let kids make their own choices and their own decisions, as much as possible while still keeping them safe and healthy. By the time my daughter was 7, she was choosing her own hairstyle every time we went for a cut. if she wanted it cut short, so be it. It grows back. If she wanted bangs, so be it.
Let them pick their own clothes. If you really are hung up on what they wear, put school/play clothes in different areas. So they can choose what they want from the 'school clothes' drawer.
Remember that the ultimate goal of parenting is to create contributing members of society. That's it. Don't coddle, don't overprotect, don't neglect or ignore. Every human being has their own personality, their own preferences and their own opinions. No matter how tiny that human being might be.
As it is age appropriate, expose them to controversial things. Movies, books, tv, etc. But read it with them. Watch with them. Talk about it with them. Teach them to question, to think. When mine were young, I had people tell me 'don't let them see that movie, it's got XX themes'. My feeling was 'all the more reason to let them see it, watch it with them, and help them understand and process those themes'. Eventually they grow up, and understanding and processing is a skill they will need.
Re clothing: choose your battles wisely then stick to your guns. If they aren't half naked, then they will go out and either the other kids will think they are cool or they will be ridiculed and learn a lesson.
As for college, you can't predict your child's future. Not all people are geared to go to University or College. We found that out with both of ours. We had the money to send them, but it didn't happen with either of them.
Encourage their education and try to save as much as you can for it, but they may not even want to go to college. If they can find a job they like that will support themselves when they are older, that's the important thing.
God help me i would lose my mind. I would have to deal with it, but i would absolutley lose my mind. Just being honest.
It's important that kids make their own decisions so they understand the consequences. That;s how they learn. I'm not talking about letting them play on the highway but clothes.. they should be allowed to have input even if you're not happy with the results. As long as they're not wearing shorts in 3 ft of snow.. let them wear what they want.
You can plan all you want for your kids but they may have other ideas as they grow up. We couldn't afford to set aside college funds for all our kids when our kids were younger so when the oldest decided she wanted to become a nurse we got loans. She graduated and is doing very well.
One of our boys was adamant that he didn't want to go to college right after high school so he chose to work menial jobs, but then at 20 changed his mind, signed up for college and made it happen without our help at all. If we had forced him into a college right after high school, he probably would have rebelled and failed because he wasn't ready. The others didn't want to go to college but chose DeVry instead and today they're making buttloads of money. One son became a cop. They all made their own choices and they turned out to be good ones.
When they were younger I thought they'd all finish high school and go off to college because that's what my husband and I did.. but they all had their own ideas and it all worked out.
You can guide them, give them your opinions, instill in them your values, but you can't dictate or even predict how their lives will go. It all depends on the child. Sometimes the best thing a parent can do is just sit back and let them fall because that's the only way they learn to get up again.
I'll try my very hardest. I'm so big on education! If my child chose not to go to college i'm really hoping my older self would be okay with that. The person i am today would have an enormous cow about that.
I would enroll a kid in team sports. As a hiring manager, I always asked about someone's experience with sports in middle school & high school. By team, I do not mean "swim team" or "tennis team" or "fencing team" as those are best thought of as individual competitions. Rather, I mean water polo or soccer or softball or baseball or football or basketball or other true team sports. As a hiring manager, I've found that team sports participants are better able to fit in to a work team environment.
But... i come from a frequently judged group. I cant help feeling that people EXPECT my children to be dishevelled misbehaved crazies with little supervision. Some of that judgement is valid because a lot of my people are that way. I struggle with that because i feel that while its okay for other kids to be that way, it might not be okay for mine. My younger one fights me tooth and nail on the clothing thing which is why i'm questioning my approach. My older one doesn't care about clothing but i may be the same way when it comes to education. I do push her again, because she is an intelligent child that has a tendency to be lazy, but also because people by default expect her to be an idiot.
I'd like to have them make decisions on their own at some point. But i want them to make the right decisions that wont affect them in ways that they have no means of understanding right now. I'm just thinking there has to be a better way to do what i'm trying to do that is less stressful for me and them. I just dont quite know what that is. I think older people that have done this before ( or a few times) would have better perspective.
One thing that might help is for you to give your children a choice between three options that you have selected. You can apply this approach in many ways, such as which vegetable to have for dinner, where to go for their birthday, what movie to watch, etc.
Teaching manners goes a long way in helping our children succeed. When you are out and about, you can point out to your kids behavior which you admire (or don't admire) .
Learning to be organized helps them succeed. Get them their own alarm clock and teach them to organize their time when getting ready for school. Provide adequate storage and help them organize their "stuff" and throw out junk. Provide a place and supplies to do homework and encourage them to do it in a timely manner rather than in a last minute frenzy.
Broaden their horizons. Take them to museums, concerts, art galleries, "nicer" restaurants, etc.
Give them an allowance and teach them how to handle money and how to save.
I'm a born slacker and gave birth to a strong-willed child. If it wasn't a matter of health, safety, manners or grades and she felt strongly about it, I pretty much let her have her way. She picked some wacky outfits to wear in the early grades and I'd just mutter to the teacher, "she picked her own clothes today" or "she did her own hair." No harm done and by 5th grade or so they all just want to dress like each other.
I firmly believe that the things you say matter much less than the things you do. For the most part, your kids are going to act like you. If you don't want them to drink, smoke, or do drugs, model responsible habits. If you don't want them to be liars, don't let them hear you lie. There are exceptions to that of course, but modeling good behavior is the most effective tool in your box.
As for things I'd do differently, I wish I hadn't nagged as much once she got to high school. I've finally backed off of the nagging about school work and grades (she's a senior) and I should have done it much earlier.
I also wish I'd insisted that she keep taking piano lessons and that she join the band or orchestra at the first opportunity. She complained and wouldn't practice piano and I decided it wasn't worth the fight. But now she wishes I'd made her stay in it and also wishes I'd made her be in band. Most of her friends are in band and she joined the color guard to be in an activity with them, but she would have loved to march and play an instrument.
They are not young for very long. Do your best to enjoy them and have fun with them.
I'll try my very hardest. I'm so big on education! If my child chose not to go to college i'm really hoping my older self would be okay with that. The person i am today would have an enormous cow about that.
I hear ya. We're big on education too and were very upset when one of our sons chose not to continue his education and didn't seem to have any goals in life. He was content just to work enough to have spending money. Every parent wants what's best for their kids and we knew working for a lawn service off the books wasn't exactly a good career choice.. Lol.. but that's what he wanted to do at the time.
We tried to convince him to go to some sort of school but he just refused so we had no choice but to drop our expectations. He was over 18 and we couldn't force him. Then 2 years later he surprised us and told us he signed up for college, he studied hard and graduated with a degree. Based on the fact that he kind of floated through High school and barely graduated I didn't really didn't expect him to do as well in college as he did but it turned out he loved college and loved learning.
I think the main reason he did so well is because it was his decision and he went when he was ready. That's what I meant when I said sometimes kids have to fall before they can learn how to get up. He realized he wasn't making enough money to get the things he wanted out of life. He saw his friends buying cars and going on vacations and that's what he wanted for himself and it changed his outlook. Looking back, I know if we had forced him to go to college right after high school he just would have wasted those years and probably resented us for forcing it on him.
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