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Makes me sick! What happened to the little girl I was once so close to?! Any advice helpful.
I don't know how or when you lost your daughter and your story doesn't say much about your part of this unhappy drama so I will say how our parents lost us. It all began with contempt, disrespect and abuse at about the age of 5, for me. Up to that time, I loved, respected and saw my parents as my best friends until they, not me, put an end to all of that with harsh punishments, contempt, disrespect, horrible communications (they never did talk WITH me but always DOWN TOO me). They, not I, ruined everything very early on and it just got worse and worse over the miserable years living under their thumbs. At about 14, I wanted to run away from home but was too frightened of our dad. I see much of the same breach in your story where there is very bad communications, disrespect and a wall between you and your child that YOU put there. It is always a parents' duty and within their power to keep their kids respectfully close to them and not push their kids away as many Parents do. As for advice, I'd say go see a counselor to help you get honest about what went wrong and try to get back to love, respect and friendship BEFORE you push away your other child. My parents could have kept my loyalty, love and respect for ever but they just couldn't be bothered!
A lot of that has to do with very faulty and inadequate parenting which has failed to help a child "grow up" and become intelligently responsible in life. Our parents did a very bad job of helping us "grow up" and my first few years away from home were very difficult thanks to what I now can see as inadequate parenting. I'm not letting their faults and failures ruin the rest of my life though!
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To be fair, Mom hasn't "grown up" either, and she obviously still pictures her daughter as a child and not an adult. That certainly isn't helping the situation.
Parents who have not "grown up" do significant damage to their kids who are forced to go to others for help in growing up or go it alone until they (maybe) do somehow grow up. In some ways, it's a vicious circle of immature parents producing immature kids who become parents who then produce more immature kids and on and on.
Maybe the OP's children will get lucky and somehow "grow up" BEFORE they become parents of the next generation. I sincerely hope so............
Respect has to be taught throughout the entire lifetime of a child. All she has to do now is sit her down and explain their new reality, with the new demands that come with it, but Mom has to accept the new reality herself first.
This brings up the issue of clear, HONEST and meaningful communication and many folks simply cannot do it. This parent might need to stop and go learn HOW to communicated better BEFORE sitting her adult child down for a "talk". IMO, most adults simply cannot communicate well, especially where there is stress. For Parents, shaming, blaming, accusing, ridiculing and attacking seems to be the acceptable standards for controlling a "talk" with their kids.
When they rush upstairs you can't do that. My husband chose to let that happen. He really is a poor rule setter and it's caused huge problems in our household. Without his support there is not much I can do.
I am one of those. Nobody is saying the kid is not an adult, and free to do whatever she wants. The issue is that her sleeping with her low life boyfriend under her parent's roof is upsetting to them. It is their house, and she should respect their wishes.
She most likely would respect their wishes if they had not lost her respect for them a long time ago. The Parents SHOULD do their best to keep the love, respect and friendship with their kids that was (perhaps) there in the beginning when the Parents actually loved their new baby.
The issue here is not about upsetting the parents, it's about the sad loss of love and respect between the Parents and their child. It was always within the power and duty of these Parents to keep their child's love and respect for them but they, like so many other Parents, BLEW IT!
Why are parents so afraid of upsetting their kids? It boggles the mind.
Most suffer from a lack of adequate training from their own parents and have no idea HOW to parent. Mine never did and they both raised many, many siblings before becoming parents. It's all about education and very few ever get it for relationships and parenting.
People get so hung up on sex.
Neither one of our families are weird about it.
We would even be allowed to share a room at my grandmothers.
I don't know people who have enough bedrooms they can be petty and break up couples into separate rooms.
Plus who likes abstinence? That's no fun.
My parents (and his parents) solved that by not allowing us to stay overnight at all, until we were married. Even after we had moved out of state and were living together. Those were the rules...thus the hotel (even now we stay in a hotel although we haven't been back since getting married).
But:
-We went back for stays of about a week, not two weeks/a month
-They didn't complain about us staying in a hotel as a consequence (except the first time I went back solo and stayed with a friend, my parents said something about that, but just the once).
Wow some of the posts in this thread are just crazy.
Look there is a HUGE difference between telling your 20 something kid:
"No you can't have boys or girls in your room with the door closed"
Or
Hovering by the door listening intently to see if they are shagging because you're all caught up in your head over it.
Other side of the equation:
There is also a difference between hearing your son or daughter climaxing, screaming loudly as the bed is slamming against the wall. After which the guy puts on his shorts, opens the door and gives you a smile on the way out as he leaves.
None of those are acceptable forms of behavior and I doubt kids act like that in their parents home although I don't doubt parents treat their adult children like that.
Quite frankly I find it ridiculous that people are so caught up in the thought that they have to go to extreme measures to prevent sex in their home. It is like you sit there and dream up all the possible ways you could be offended over what two consenting adults are doing together.
Pretty ridiculous to force your kid to stay in a hotel or away from you because they MIGHT have sex in your house so you break up their arrangement. People are nitwits.
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Pushing your child away
