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an 18 year old is pretty much raised but they're pre-frontal cortex is not fully developed - it's basically a handicap like a toddler, only worse. No matter how well a foundation a parent has given their child, peer pressure and wrong judgment in a moment of weakness can have harsh consequences for someone of legal age. Perhaps there is a little intuition mixed in with the anxiety.
So here's a few ideas -
gps the car that he drives that you own - you have to get a separate phone though that works with the towers in your area - there's quite a few cheap plans out there. (make sure there is adequate battery, ring and display are off). Use an app on your phone to see where that car is. Put a voice activate recorder in your house then listen to it, when you get back. It'll feel so wrong that you won't do any of that again, but on the off-chance there is something amiss, you'll know. And remember it's like a photograph - a snapshot in time but not indicative to how he is. Also, what if he finds out - then that would cause some damage in your relationship.
Or you both could use apps on your phones to check in with each other. Going this route, requires a bit of forethought - if you've been a helicopter parent, explain this will allay your anxiety, if you have been the sole provider and nurturer, remind him that for so long, you were on high alert that this will help you adjust.
Today's 18 year old is equivalent to about a 12 year old 15-20 years ago. A lot of kids aren't even growing up and starting their adult life until well into their late 20s/early 30s
You work with law enforcement and he smokes weed? There's maybe 90% of a potential conflict.
Some states still have automatic jail for possession of the tiniest amount, or dealing the tiniest amt can be years in prison. Some buy 1/4 oz for $100, then they sell 1 gran for $20, so they get 2gr to smoke for free. Plus prison if caught, with no job prospect, no college loan. Wouldn't you quit working for police if you wanted to protect your son?
Cannabis kills 0, helps dozens of conditions, so it should have never been made illegal for 80+ yrs.
You work on it a lot sooner than when they are 18 for one. Has the kid ever done anything seriously wrong? Has he ever been allowed to do something on his own?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Clarallel
Seems like you wouldn't have this problem if, starting 5 or 6 years ago, you had forced him to keep you in the loop. I wouldn't worry about this weekend, but you could make a late stab at sitting him down and trying to explain some basics about courtesy and parental worry.
Actually, I think it is his responsibility to at least help in easing some of your anxiety, but, again, that goes way back.
Unless you two, MartiP and Carallel, know of a method of time travel, these two posts are simply irrelevant, not to mention MartiP's is snide. Just because a kid hasn't spent a night home alone means he's never been allowed to do something on his own? I. . . don't. . . think so.
We did not ever leave our kids home alone prior to high school graduation. It just never came up. We took them with us on vacations. That does not mean they never spent a night without us, however. They spent plenty of time at camps and the like.
Quote:
Originally Posted by elliedeee
I was going to say something similar. It's not always your child you have to worry about.. sometimes friends come over and it get's out of hand.
My 30ish son informed me the other day that when we had gone on vacation when he was 18 that a few friends showed up and someone called the cops on them. Lord only knows what they were doing, but I didnt' find out about it until years later. None of the neighbors told me.
Yeah, well, it's always the "other kid's" fault, yes? This post does have a good point though that the neighbors might not always tell you, unlike what many people think will happen.
I have five siblings. Out of the six of us, five were already moved out and living independently by age 18.
It's not possible to learn independence without having actual opportunities to operate independently and independently make decisions. While, yes, there are plenty of 18-year-olds who have developmental issues, or who are just shady human beings, it seems to me that if a "average" 18-year-old can't handle a weekend alone, that's problematic. It seems to me that that's a level of gradual release of parental responsibility that in ordinary circumstances one ought to have reached or exceeded by that point.
Anytime you trust someone there's a risk they'll disappoint you, but for a kid to ease into adulthood, it is necessary to ease up on the reins.
All the suggestions of tracking one's adult offspring with GPS and monitoring them with cameras and whatnot are so, so sketchy and sad to me.
My oldest is 23 and my youngest is 18 and I agree 100% with the sentiment that an 18 year old young man should be able to stay on his own for a weekend. My husband and I will be going away for a few days in July and our. youngest will stay at home by himself. He is 18 and recently graduated from high school.
An 18 year old is not a child.
The thread is not about your kid, though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostnip
All the suggestions of tracking one's adult offspring with GPS and monitoring them with cameras and whatnot are so, so sketchy and sad to me.
^^I agree.
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