Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Just thought I'd throw this out here for discussion. Husband and I were driving home last night, talking about our D's wedding in 2 weeks, and I mentioned how much I'm looking forward to seeing our 24 yo son. (First time since May since he lives 1500 or so miles away). I casually mentioned that although I love H and D, no one in the world can make me laugh like our S. His sense of humor is a bit sarcastic, unexpected and a bit sly in that it's pretty intelligent. H said that S "worships" me in a way that neither he or D do. H then says that he's looking forward to my reaction when S brings home the woman that he wants to marry. We had been discussing our future son-in-law.
(BTW--this is all fine for us to say as we both know of our unconditional love for each other and the love shared with our children. There is no hidden child favoritism.)
I told husband I would be fine with this hypothetical woman as I know how son "worships" me and would likely find a person that is in some ways similar to me.
It made me think about mothers and sons. It seems to me that there are 2 kinds of sons that I see: those that "worship" their mothers and those that don't. My theory is that those that worship their mothers bring home a life partner their mothers will like. Those that don't worship their mothers are more likely to partner with someone very different from mom, and have a partner that doesn't really get along with the MIL or form a strong relationship. I was one of those DIL's that didn't particularly have a great relationship with my MIL. We were very different. Husband didn't "worship" his mother in the way my son does.
I'm using the word "worship" very loosely here as I can't quite think of the exact right word. Son doesn't put me on a unhealthy pedestal and think I can do no wrong. He feels quite free to tell me when I'm wrong. It's just a different kind of bond than between my D and me.
So thoughts on my theory? What have you seen? (maybe this isn't even a parenting question/discussion).
I get along very well with my sons. All of them. One has had a very serious girlfriend for many, many years. We are nothing alike, but we get along very well. I adore her, even though our styles are very different.
Nope. My eldest son and I were very close when he was growing up. He was an athlete, and since my spouse traveled often, I was the one driving to every game, and sitting in the stands. Dad was there when he could be, but not as often as I was. We talked about everything on those car rides. Then he met a girl. Quite honestly, she is a LOT like me. We are both strong, and opinionated about things we are passionate about, such as my son. But, she lacks a sense of humor, and she has no interest in finding common ground with me. So, we have no relationship. We are too much alike!
I never wanted my sons (3) to worship me by the way. I know you weren't committed to that word, but it still sounds weird.
My other sons are in long term relationships with girls who I like very much. They are nothing like me. But they are the right girls for these boys. And truly, eldest is also with the right girl for him. She loves him as much as I do, and what more can a mother want?
I never wanted my sons (3) to worship me by the way. I know you weren't committed to that word, but it still sounds weird.
My other sons are in long term relationships with girls who I like very much. They are nothing like me. But they are the right girls for these boys. And truly, eldest is also with the right girl for him. She loves him as much as I do, and what more can a mother want?
I knew it would sound a little weird--not really a good word for what it is. He holds me high esteem and appreciates and admires all I have done for our family. That said, he also sees me as a human with flaws and all. Not something I ever purposely cultivated, or would even know how to cultivate in a child. It's just how he has been from a very early age.
And I agree--a partner that loves our child as much as we do--nothing more we can want.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 2 days ago)
35,607 posts, read 17,935,039 times
Reputation: 50632
rrah, I'm a little uncomfortable with your post. I can't put my finger on it - but maybe it's the
quote:
"I told husband I would be fine with this hypothetical woman as I know how son "worships" me and would likely find a person that is in some ways similar to me. "
I see a lot of "if"s there. It doesn't seem like you're prepared to welcome with open arms a decent respectable woman your son is in love with if she's a great deal different from you.
I have 3 sons and have been through several long term girlfriends - and there wasn't one of them I didn't get along with quite well, although they've been different types of girls.
I think maybe you need to work on a philosophy of "of course I will welcome her" rather than "well, I'm sure since he loves me so much he'll choose someone I'll be able to get along with".
Maybe I'm misreading.
I have the most fabulous, welcoming mother in law although she is very different from me in many respects. My mother welcomed my husband with great love and affection. I intend to do that with my son's partners, even if we're not similar.
rrah, I'm a little uncomfortable with your post. I can't put my finger on it - but maybe it's the
quote:
"I told husband I would be fine with this hypothetical woman as I know how son "worships" me and would likely find a person that is in some ways similar to me. "
I see a lot of "if"s there. It doesn't seem like you're prepared to welcome with open arms a decent respectable woman your son is in love with if she's a great deal different from you.
I have 3 sons and have been through several long term girlfriends - and there wasn't one of them I didn't get along with quite well, although they've been different types of girls.
I think maybe you need to work on a philosophy of "of course I will welcome her" rather than "well, I'm sure since he loves me so much he'll choose someone I'll be able to get along with".
Maybe I'm misreading.
I have the most fabulous, welcoming mother in law although she is very different from me in many respects. My mother welcomed my husband with great love and affection. I intend to do that with my son's partners, even if we're not similar.
Yes, I would say you are definitely misreading as you do not know me. I was quite leary of using that word "worship," but I did so because it was H's word. I don't know that there is a precise word to describe what I was trying to convey. Son and I have a different, not in a creepy way, relationship than D and I. It's equal, but different. Son views me as a "model" of what a strong, secure female looks like. As stated above, he has no issues with telling me out when I am wrong, and I am fine with that. Without going into detail, there was a very difficult time in our lives that my S and I experienced on a daily basis that did not include D or H. Together we made the best of it and acknowledged the difficulty of the time.
I can assure you that any young woman that my son eventually, if ever, decides on, as a life partner will be fully welcomed by me. Just as I have done with my very soon to be son-in-law, this hypothetical person would be welcomed into my life BECAUSE I fully trust my adult children to make good decisions and respect the decisions they do make. The point/question, or maybe hope, was that this would probably be an "easy" welcome.
It was merely a question for discussion for parents of adult children instead of "what kind of diaper should I buy"or "my kid's best friend is being mean." Just a mere pondering of life and wondering what others have seen as I am constantly amazed by this thing called parenting.
I knew it would sound a little weird--not really a good word for what it is. He holds me high esteem and appreciates and admires all I have done for our family. That said, he also sees me as a human with flaws and all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rrah
Husband didn't "worship" his mother in the way my son does.
So, your husband doesn't hold his mother in high esteem and appreciate everything she has done?
You do keep mentioning that we aren't understanding what you mean, but I don't think you are explaining yourself well.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 2 days ago)
35,607 posts, read 17,935,039 times
Reputation: 50632
Quote:
Originally Posted by rrah
Yes, I would say you are definitely misreading as you do not know me. I was quite leary of using that word "worship," but I did so because it was H's word. I don't know that there is a precise word to describe what I was trying to convey. Son and I have a different, not in a creepy way, relationship than D and I. It's equal, but different. Son views me as a "model" of what a strong, secure female looks like. As stated above, he has no issues with telling me out when I am wrong, and I am fine with that. Without going into detail, there was a very difficult time in our lives that my S and I experienced on a daily basis that did not include D or H. Together we made the best of it and acknowledged the difficulty of the time.
I can assure you that any young woman that my son eventually, if ever, decides on, as a life partner will be fully welcomed by me. Just as I have done with my very soon to be son-in-law, this hypothetical person would be welcomed into my life BECAUSE I fully trust my adult children to make good decisions and respect the decisions they do make. The point/question, or maybe hope, was that this would probably be an "easy" welcome.
It was merely a question for discussion for parents of adult children instead of "what kind of diaper should I buy"or "my kid's best friend is being mean." Just a mere pondering of life and wondering what others have seen as I am constantly amazed by this thing called parenting.
Okay, that's good, that's exactly as I feel. Your first post didn't express that.
I don't hold much regard for your theory at all. Sounds very comforting but It ignores so many dynamics that can bring challenges no matter how close a mother and son is or how nice the dil is. The choice of word "worship" definately has an icky feel to it and put me right off . I ran like hell from men that worshipped their mothers, there was a unhealthy dynamic about it.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It's just a different kind of bond than between my D and me. 
