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I’m from South Africa (but live and work in the States). My father is white, and my mother is mixed (half black/half white). Despite my mother being half black, she’s very pale and her facial features are predominantly European, so she passes off as being white.
My parents got together in the 80s, when Apartheid was still going on. In order to make things easier for themselves, they passed my mom off as fully white (since she looked it) and it worked. There were no social repercussions for them. However, that lie was blown wide open when I was born.
My parents are intelligent people, but I do wonder where those brains went when they conceived me. On a genetic level, I’m mostly white (since my dad is fully white and my mom is half white) and they naively thought that would automatically translate to my appearance. Something that was exacerbated by my mother’s appearance. I can’t believe they were so naïve and didn’t take into consideration how complex human DNA is. How many variables it contains.
I was born with brown skin – I look more black than white. It was something they weren’t expecting. They thought I’d turn out like my mother. In order to avoid the shame, they gave me to my grandmother (my mother’s mom) as a baby and she raised me all the way to adulthood. God bless her late soul. She’s the woman I consider to be my real mother. I could never repay the love and care she showed me. My wife and I decided to name our daughter after her.
My parents continued to play the genetic lottery by having two more kids after me. They won in both cases. I have two younger brothers, who have pale skin and European features like my mom. They kept them. As far people in their social circles know, my parents have two sons, not three.
My parents and two younger brothers would visit me and my grandmother sometimes. I hated it when they visited. Made me feel terribly ashamed. And I get the feeling they felt the same – that they did it not out of a need to see me, but some kind of moral obligation. I’m 35 now but I still shudder when I think about those days. My own parents and siblings are absolute strangers to me – my relationship with them is non-existent.
I have a wonderful set of triplets – two boys and one girl. They are my world. Words can't explain how much I love them. They are 10 years old. I’m currently on vacation with my family. We’re back in South Africa. My parents found out from my uncle that I was back in the country. They have never met my wife and kids. I met my parents on my own last week. I showed them photographs of my family on my phone.
They said they wanted to meet the triplets but I flat out refused. I told them the truth – I don’t trust them being around my children at all. Especially with the triplets being of varying skin tones. I can't risk any semblance of colorism being introduced them by my parents. And yes, I do think they are capable of that - perhaps not in an overly aggressive sense, but definitely in a subtle, ignorant and "don't know the impact of their words" way.
My mother shed tears, saying she was sorry for everything that happened and that if she could wind back the clock, she would do things differently. My dad also said he was sorry, but he said I’m being a bad father by depriving the kids of grandparents (my wife grew up an orphan, so there are no grandparents on her side either). He said "they deserve grandparents."
I dont understand how anyone could give away their baby in most circumstances so giving away a baby based on skin color seems really terrible. I cant begin to really understand the situation but I don't blame you for feeling the way you do.
I dont understand how anyone could give away their baby in most circumstances so giving away a baby based on skin color seems really terrible. I cant begin to really understand the situation but I don't blame you for feeling the way you do.
A lot of it had to do with the social dynamics and structures at the time. South Africa was highly segregated during Apartheid. They even had anti-miscegenation laws (although I understand they were dismantled when I was a few years old). Plus, they passed my mom off as white. Obviously, my birth blew that lie wide open. But yes, I do get you. Now that I'm a parent it's even much harder for me to comprehend.
Last edited by richterman; 08-10-2017 at 07:00 AM..
I’m from South Africa (but live and work in the States). My father is white, and my mother is mixed (half black/half white). Despite my mother being half black, she’s very pale and her facial features are predominantly European, so she passes off as being white.
My parents got together in the 80s, when Apartheid was still going on. In order to make things easier for themselves, they passed my mom off as fully white (since she looked it) and it worked. There were no social repercussions for them. However, that lie was blown wide open when I was born.
My parents are intelligent people, but I do wonder where those brains went when they conceived me. On a genetic level, I’m mostly white (since my dad is fully white and my mom is half white) and they naively thought that would automatically translate to my appearance. Something that was exacerbated by my mother’s appearance. I can’t believe they were so naïve and didn’t take into consideration how complex human DNA is. How many variables it contains.
I was born with brown skin – I look more black than white. It was something they weren’t expecting. They thought I’d turn out like my mother. In order to avoid the shame, they gave me to my grandmother (my mother’s mom) as a baby and she raised me all the way to adulthood. God bless her late soul. She’s the woman I consider to be my real mother. I could never repay the love and care she showed me. My wife and I decided to name our daughter after her.
My parents continued to play the genetic lottery by having two more kids after me. They won in both cases. I have two younger brothers, who have pale skin and European features like my mom. They kept them. As far people in their social circles know, my parents have two sons, not three.
My parents and two younger brothers would visit me and my grandmother sometimes. I hated it when they visited. Made me feel terribly ashamed. And I get the feeling they felt the same – that they did it not out of a need to see me, but some kind of moral obligation. I’m 35 now but I still shudder when I think about those days. My own parents and siblings are absolute strangers to me – my relationship with them is non-existent.
I have a wonderful set of triplets – two boys and one girl. They are my world. Words can't explain how much I love them. They are 10 years old. I’m currently on vacation with my family. We’re back in South Africa. My parents found out from my uncle that I was back in the country. They have never met my wife and kids. I met my parents on my own last week. I showed them photographs of my family on my phone.
They said they wanted to meet the triplets but I flat out refused. I told them the truth – I don’t trust them being around my children at all. Especially with the triplets being of varying skin tones. I can't risk any semblance of colorism being introduced them by my parents. And yes, I do think they are capable of that - perhaps not in an overly aggressive sense, but definitely in a subtle, ignorant and "don't know the impact of their words" way.
My mother shed tears, saying she was sorry for everything that happened and that if she could wind back the clock, she would do things differently. My dad also said he was sorry, but he said I’m being a bad father by depriving the kids of grandparents (my wife grew up an orphan, so there are no grandparents on her side either). He said "they deserve grandparents."
I am so sorry to hear that this shocking abandonment was done to you. It is beyond my understanding that anyone would give up their own child on such trivial grounds, simply in order to further a lie they were telling the world.
Responding to what your father said, no child deserves parents like him and your birth mother, and no child deserves grandparents like these deceitful, ignorant, self-serving cowards. You are being a good protective father in denying them access to your children. They are not your true parents, your grandma was, and for your children's sakes, I hope your resolve never falters and you never, ever allow them to come anywhere near your precious triplets. And you can tell them I said so.
I am so sorry to hear that this shocking abandonment was done to you. It is beyond my understanding that anyone would give up their own child on such trivial grounds, simply in order to further a lie they were telling the world.
Responding to what your father said, no child deserves parents like him and your birth mother, and no child deserves grandparents like these deceitful, ignorant, self-serving cowards. You are being a good protective father in denying them access to your children. They are not your true parents, your grandma was, and for your children's sakes, I hope your resolve never falters and you never, ever allow them to come anywhere near your precious triplets. And you can tell them I said so.
I have to say, when my "dad" said keeping my kids away from him and my "mother" makes me a bad father . . . woo, boy, the anger that consumed me in that moment was volcanic. I just managed to hold my tongue. My wife said in that moment, I should've told him everything I was feeling and always have felt, towards them.
While I don't understand the situation in South Africa, as a mother that has an adopted child given up by the birth parents, I do understand that sometimes it truly is done in the best interest of the child. I am not sure who interest was served in your being placed with your grandmother, she sounds like she was a wonderful person, too bad she isn't still around for your kids to know.
You have no obligation to allow your children to know parents, that really did not act as parents to you, as they are more strangers than family I would think. Your values and theirs are a world a part.
Frankly, I think your parents have a LOT of nerve to even suggest that it isn't fair to your kids to be shielded from people like themselves.
Stick with your decision. Much like with adoption, when they placed you with your grandmother, they gave up their rights to be considered parents or grandparents in regard to you and yours.
A lot of us would do things differently than what we did in the past or are sorry, but that doesn't take away what was done and how it affected another person.
Your children, your choice. Only you know and understand what will be best for them, trust your heart on this.
If your brothers both look white have you ever considered that maybe your father is not really your father? Could explain why they were eager to get rid of you. Either way though if they did not act like parents there is no reason they should be treated as such.
I have to say, when my "dad" said keeping my kids away from him and my "mother" makes me a bad father . . . woo, boy, the anger that consumed me in that moment was volcanic. I just managed to hold my tongue. My wife said in that moment, I should've told him everything I was feeling and always have felt, towards them.
Write them a nice succinct letter and say that you wished your kids had grandparents too....but that would require that you had parents and the only one you had has passed away.
I have to say, when my "dad" said keeping my kids away from him and my "mother" makes me a bad father . . . woo, boy, the anger that consumed me in that moment was volcanic. I just managed to hold my tongue. My wife said in that moment, I should've told him everything I was feeling and always have felt, towards them.
I agree with your wife. You should have told them how you felt because it might have made you feel better, but I don't blame you for not doing it. Sometimes it's just not worth the aggravation.
They made their mind up years ago to give you away. I can sort of understand the reason why but on the other hand I would go to hell and back to do anything to keep my kids even if it meant moving and starting over.
At least they gave you to a loving family member who cherished and loved you for years. That's about the only thing they did right.
As far as seeing your kids.. that's a toughie. I wouldn't subject my kids to that especially because of what your dad said. It's obvious he's not taking any responsibility for his actions. I'm sorry you went through that.
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