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My mother was estranged from her father following the divorce of her parents when she was a teenager. So I never knew my grandfather growing up. When I was about 12, he started sending Christmas and birthday presents to me and my sister. When I was about 17 and my sister 15, we asked to see our grandfather. Despite her feelings, my mother took us to meet him. Subsequently, I met him a couple of times after that but we never had a relationship.
So, to the OP, be aware that there may well come a time when your children will want to meet their grandparents and you are going to have to decide how you deal with that. Also, you need to be completely honest with your kids (not that I am suggesting that you have not been or will not be). In my case, it turned out that my grandfather was not as bad as the family propaganda would have it. He was no angel either but then who is. Had I met him earlier then we might have had a real relationship.
Have you considered that mabye your dad is not your real dad? That might explain why your skin is darker than them but your siblings are lighter.
Nah, he's my father. If he wasn't I sure as hell would've been told a long time ago. It's the same with my kids. They all have different, distinctive skin tones. There are plenty of mixed people who lighter/darker siblings despite coming from the same parents. It's just the way it goes - think of it as varying hair/eye colour among siblings.
My mother was estranged from her father following the divorce of her parents when she was a teenager. So I never knew my grandfather growing up. When I was about 12, he started sending Christmas and birthday presents to me and my sister. When I was about 17 and my sister 15, we asked to see our grandfather. Despite her feelings, my mother took us to meet him. Subsequently, I met him a couple of times after that but we never had a relationship.
So, to the OP, be aware that there may well come a time when your children will want to meet their grandparents and you are going to have to decide how you deal with that. Also, you need to be completely honest with your kids (not that I am suggesting that you have not been or will not be). In my case, it turned out that my grandfather was not as bad as the family propaganda would have it. He was no angel either but then who is. Had I met him earlier then we might have had a real relationship.
Yes, after Apartheid ended, the "relationship" I had with them remained the same. They would come to see me here and there.
I really think that says all that needs to be said. They haven't pursued a genuine relationship with their eldest child in the 25 years since the apartheid system they claim was the reason for their separation ended. I'd love to see the apologists finding excuses for the OP's biological parents on this thread explain THAT.
Go ahead, folks - let the mental contortions begin!
I really think that says all that needs to be said. They haven't pursued a genuine relationship with their eldest child in the 25 years since the apartheid system they claim was the reason for their separation ended. I'd love to see the apologists finding excuses for the OP's biological parents on this thread explain THAT.
Go ahead, folks - let the mental contortions begin!
There is no excuse.
Also to the people who say the grandchildren could have their own unique relationship with the grandparents, I don't understand why you would teach your children to be friends with or get close to people who treat other people like crap.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 10 days ago)
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Originally Posted by richterman
The repercusssions, as I understand, were mostly social and financial. My grandmother sat me down and thoroughly explained everything to me when I was old enough to comprehend it all. My father comes from money. When I was born and the truth came out, his family threatened to cut him off financially (and out of the inheritance) if they didn't give me up. Plus, their social standing would've significantly decreased because they had a black child.
Secondly, during that period, interracial relationships were toxic in South African society. Absolutely explosive in how they were perceived and how people reacted to them. One of my friends was born to a black South African father and a white Swiss mother. They were once attacked in the street just for walking side by side. They emigrated to Switzerland shortly after.
So basically, what they would have had to give up was everything. They wouldn't be imprisoned, but other than that, they'd be financially and socially ruined and wouldn't be able to exist without being constantly harassed and maybe even assaulted.
In that context, do you think what they did was necessarily a bad decision? How would your life have been had they not relinquished you to your grandmother, who for whatever reasons was able to raise you in peace and safety?
This is hard. I don't think I'd have a close relationship with them, but I can have empathy for what they did.
So basically, what they would have had to give up was everything. They wouldn't be imprisoned, but other than that, they'd be financially and socially ruined and wouldn't be able to exist without being constantly harassed and maybe even assaulted.
In that context, do you think what they did was necessarily a bad decision? How would your life have been had they not relinquished you to your grandmother, who for whatever reasons was able to raise you in peace and safety?
This is hard. I don't think I'd have a close relationship with them, but I can have empathy for what they did.
They would not have been financially ruined. My dad and mom had a stable job at the time. My dad just supplemented his income from his wealthy parents and wanted the inheritance. They would not have gone hungry had my dad been cut off. And my grandmother raised me under similarly hostile circumstances. She is white, and she got a ton of flak for it. But she still raised me, as did other couples under similar circumstances.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 10 days ago)
35,636 posts, read 17,989,189 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by richterman
They would not have been financially ruined. My dad and mom had a stable job at the time. My dad just supplemented his income from his wealthy parents and wanted the inheritance. They would not have gone hungry had my dad been cut off. And my grandmother raised me under similarly hostile circumstances. She is white, and she got a ton of flak for it. But she still raised me, as did other couples under similar circumstances.
Some people are braver than others, that's for sure.
So basically, what they would have had to give up was everything. They wouldn't be imprisoned, but other than that, they'd be financially and socially ruined and wouldn't be able to exist without being constantly harassed and maybe even assaulted.
In that context, do you think what they did was necessarily a bad decision? How would your life have been had they not relinquished you to your grandmother, who for whatever reasons was able to raise you in peace and safety?
This is hard. I don't think I'd have a close relationship with them, but I can have empathy for what they did.
Again, apartheid ended 25 years ago and they are only pursuing a relationship with their son now after he has produced their grandchildren. This NO LONGER has ANYTHING to do with bravery. It is entirely about their concerns about their personal image. They ditched their son and he would have stayed ditched if they hadn't found out about his kids.
I’m from South Africa (but live and work in the States). My father is white, and my mother is mixed (half black/half white). Despite my mother being half black, she’s very pale and her facial features are predominantly European, so she passes off as being white.
My parents got together in the 80s, when Apartheid was still going on. In order to make things easier for themselves, they passed my mom off as fully white (since she looked it) and it worked. There were no social repercussions for them. However, that lie was blown wide open when I was born.
My parents are intelligent people, but I do wonder where those brains went when they conceived me. On a genetic level, I’m mostly white (since my dad is fully white and my mom is half white) and they naively thought that would automatically translate to my appearance. Something that was exacerbated by my mother’s appearance. I can’t believe they were so naïve and didn’t take into consideration how complex human DNA is. How many variables it contains.
I was born with brown skin – I look more black than white. It was something they weren’t expecting. They thought I’d turn out like my mother. In order to avoid the shame, they gave me to my grandmother (my mother’s mom) as a baby and she raised me all the way to adulthood. God bless her late soul. She’s the woman I consider to be my real mother. I could never repay the love and care she showed me. My wife and I decided to name our daughter after her.
My parents continued to play the genetic lottery by having two more kids after me. They won in both cases. I have two younger brothers, who have pale skin and European features like my mom. They kept them. As far people in their social circles know, my parents have two sons, not three.
My parents and two younger brothers would visit me and my grandmother sometimes. I hated it when they visited. Made me feel terribly ashamed. And I get the feeling they felt the same – that they did it not out of a need to see me, but some kind of moral obligation. I’m 35 now but I still shudder when I think about those days. My own parents and siblings are absolute strangers to me – my relationship with them is non-existent.
I have a wonderful set of triplets – two boys and one girl. They are my world. Words can't explain how much I love them. They are 10 years old. I’m currently on vacation with my family. We’re back in South Africa. My parents found out from my uncle that I was back in the country. They have never met my wife and kids. I met my parents on my own last week. I showed them photographs of my family on my phone.
They said they wanted to meet the triplets but I flat out refused. I told them the truth – I don’t trust them being around my children at all. Especially with the triplets being of varying skin tones. I can't risk any semblance of colorism being introduced them by my parents. And yes, I do think they are capable of that - perhaps not in an overly aggressive sense, but definitely in a subtle, ignorant and "don't know the impact of their words" way.
My mother shed tears, saying she was sorry for everything that happened and that if she could wind back the clock, she would do things differently. My dad also said he was sorry, but he said I’m being a bad father by depriving the kids of grandparents (my wife grew up an orphan, so there are no grandparents on her side either). He said "they deserve grandparents."
Whole country practiced it, so its no wonder your parents also did it. The societal pressures would have made them succumb. Only the strong forgive, so forgive them if you can , atleast your Mom . Its not that you were raised badly and you are struggling currently, so you have nothing to lose.
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