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Yes my father is Afrikaans. Dutch and German descent. My uncle is a great guy. We connected after he attended my wedding. He is my father's youngest brother. My kids love him.
Oh I am glad he is a different to your dad, Regarding the disapproval to your bro marrying a black Canadian, have they met her? Maybe they disapprove for other reasons. I know I strongly disapproved of my sisters choice of husband, ( he was a white jerk) so not all disapproval are race related. Your poor Mom must have very low self esteem, after living with her dh all these years.
In any case, I admire your honesty about the whole situation.
Your parents did what was best for them. And they did it at the expense of their own child. Now, YOU have to do what is best for you and YOUR child(ren). I implore you, do not allow your parents to harm your children emotionally or psychologically in even the slightest way. If you think there is any chance they will/could do that (and it seems like you do), then you have to be strong and refuse to let them into your children's lives. That's your job now, to protect your children.
Yes my father is Afrikaans. Dutch and German descent. My uncle is a great guy. We connected after he attended my wedding. He is my father's youngest brother. My kids love him.
So they have family on your dad's side who can give them that connection, they have attentive engaged parents, and family/friends you have here in the US. Sounds like they aren't missing out on anything! Good job OP.
Now the next question is would you benefit from a relationship or even closure of the relationship from your parents. That is a much harder one and one only you can answer.
Oh I am glad he is a different to your dad, Regarding the disapproval to your bro marrying a black Canadian, have they met her? Maybe they disapprove for other reasons. I know I strongly disapproved of my sisters choice of husband, ( he was a white jerk) so not all disapproval are race related. Your poor Mom must have very low self esteem, after living with her dh all these years.
In any case, I admire your honesty about the whole situation.
My youngest brother lives in the UK but yes, they have met her in the flesh. Shortly after my brother proposed. My uncle has also met her and he said she is a lovely woman.
You are certainly right about my mom and self-esteem issues. My grandmother told me the same about her and it really hurt her. She felt responsible for it.
Your parents did what was best for them. And they did it at the expense of their own child. Now, YOU have to do what is best for you and YOUR child(ren). I implore you, do not allow your parents to harm your children emotionally or psychologically in even the slightest way. If you think there is any chance they will/could do that (and it seems like you do), then you have to be strong and refuse to let them into your children's lives. That's your job now, to protect your children.
I'm sorry you have gone through such a hard relationship with your 'parents'. I am so glad you have your wonderful wife and children. I'm glad you have come through it all and found happiness with your own family. That is the blessing (and testament!) your grandma's love.
You have a great deal of support here saying you are doing well and thinking clearly about what is best for your family.
I just wanted to share what I learned about my family's own trials and tribulations.
The short version!
My father told us (3 sisters and I) that we were dead to him when I was 20. I was left with a mom who I didn't get along with
.. Basically I had no one to rely on.
Yearssss later when my father contacted us like nothing had happened, it hurt again. That he didn't care what we thought or forgot what he did??! It hurt like heck! Thought I am not important at all!
Flash forward 25 yrs from initial cutting us off. He has dementia and in a state hospital. No point talking but..
I discovered after his death (had to be after bec pain was so great) I discovered it was HIS pain he was acting on. He could not get beyond it to know what he did hurt more than I ever tell.
Such shame the pain carried down on me so. I had no choice but go where it was and live it.
You know yourself and the pain that came from your parents. It caused/causes you such pain and seems inescapable.
Know that you need to process this hurt and know it is 100% your parents pain coming down on you. The more you can remind yourself it is his pain, not yours, the better. Taking care of you and your lovely family is the healing blessing. Letting go of the pain does not mean reconnecting... that is something separate. If later, when your children are older, you can revisit having them meet.
Best wishes for your sweet family.
So much for short!
Last edited by Wild Flower; 08-11-2017 at 08:05 PM..
Oh the irony of your father disapproving of being married to a black woman when he is, even if she is passing.
Anyway, one of the great "fixes" of racism, is that it rarely survives the love of grandparents for their grandchildren. Now you are by no means obligated to make your children the fixes of your parents hang ups, but I do think it is wonderful that your father is now likely to have mostly black/mixed race grandchildren. Additionally, there is something to be said by having access to members of their family from both racial backgrounds, but it sounds like you have an uncle who could fill that role. To be honest you dad sort of sounds like a dud.
I don't know about the love of grandparent fixes racism. Sad story from my home town back when my children were in high school. Mother of 4 mixed racial children died and her parents would not come to see her children. The children were taken in by neighbors and raised - 2 in one family and 2 in another family. Her parents so disapproved of the biracial children that they did not even come to her funeral.
I’m from South Africa (but live and work in the States). My father is white, and my mother is mixed (half black/half white). Despite my mother being half black, she’s very pale and her facial features are predominantly European, so she passes off as being white.
My parents got together in the 80s, when Apartheid was still going on. In order to make things easier for themselves, they passed my mom off as fully white (since she looked it) and it worked. There were no social repercussions for them. However, that lie was blown wide open when I was born.
My parents are intelligent people, but I do wonder where those brains went when they conceived me. On a genetic level, I’m mostly white (since my dad is fully white and my mom is half white) and they naively thought that would automatically translate to my appearance. Something that was exacerbated by my mother’s appearance. I can’t believe they were so naïve and didn’t take into consideration how complex human DNA is. How many variables it contains.
I was born with brown skin – I look more black than white. It was something they weren’t expecting. They thought I’d turn out like my mother. In order to avoid the shame, they gave me to my grandmother (my mother’s mom) as a baby and she raised me all the way to adulthood. God bless her late soul. She’s the woman I consider to be my real mother. I could never repay the love and care she showed me. My wife and I decided to name our daughter after her.
My parents continued to play the genetic lottery by having two more kids after me. They won in both cases. I have two younger brothers, who have pale skin and European features like my mom. They kept them. As far people in their social circles know, my parents have two sons, not three.
My parents and two younger brothers would visit me and my grandmother sometimes. I hated it when they visited. Made me feel terribly ashamed. And I get the feeling they felt the same – that they did it not out of a need to see me, but some kind of moral obligation. I’m 35 now but I still shudder when I think about those days. My own parents and siblings are absolute strangers to me – my relationship with them is non-existent.
I have a wonderful set of triplets – two boys and one girl. They are my world. Words can't explain how much I love them. They are 10 years old. I’m currently on vacation with my family. We’re back in South Africa. My parents found out from my uncle that I was back in the country. They have never met my wife and kids. I met my parents on my own last week. I showed them photographs of my family on my phone.
They said they wanted to meet the triplets but I flat out refused. I told them the truth – I don’t trust them being around my children at all. Especially with the triplets being of varying skin tones. I can't risk any semblance of colorism being introduced them by my parents. And yes, I do think they are capable of that - perhaps not in an overly aggressive sense, but definitely in a subtle, ignorant and "don't know the impact of their words" way.
My mother shed tears, saying she was sorry for everything that happened and that if she could wind back the clock, she would do things differently. My dad also said he was sorry, but he said I’m being a bad father by depriving the kids of grandparents (my wife grew up an orphan, so there are no grandparents on her side either). He said "they deserve grandparents."
I am so sorry that you had to go through this, but I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive them, for your sake and your children's sake, since they should at least see their grandparents at least once. If they are old enough, they should be told the truth, but in the context of the times. I am sure that your late grandmother would want some sort of reconciliation- your mother was her daughter, after all, so some good must have been passed down from her.
Just hold your head up high, have a short visit with the folks and grands, and be gracious. If you can't, I understand this as well....
OP, I don't dismiss your pain and anger. But what would have happened to you and your mother if she came out as black with you? Maybe...maybe it was safer for you just to live with your grandmother? You say you were well loved. Were you taken care of? Or in poverty?
This just isn't an easy topic for modern Americans to begin to understand.
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