Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 10 days ago)
35,636 posts, read 17,982,736 times
Reputation: 50677
Advertisements
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector
Again, apartheid ended 25 years ago and they are only pursuing a relationship with their son now after he has produced their grandchildren. This NO LONGER has ANYTHING to do with bravery. It is entirely about their concerns about their personal image. They ditched their son and he would have stayed ditched if they hadn't found out about his kids.
Go ahead and candy coat that.
I'm not candy coating anything, Jrz. I'm just aware of what happens in cultures. "Outlawing" something doesn't make it go away, at all. You can outlaw discrimination all you want, and it still exists and makes people's lives miserable. And if you think that outlawing something that's ingrained for generations makes it magically go away overnight, you're the one candy coating.
This has everything to do with bravery. His grandmother was brave and willing to put up with being menaced, but his parents weren't. I wonder if there hadn't been someone as loving as his grandmother, would they have kept him? If they couldn't witness for themselves that he was well taken care of, would they have made a different decision.
Heck, I know a LOT of grandparents who are raising their grandkids basically because the parents just don't feel like it. It's a little more complicated than that, but not much.
The OP is in a difficult spot emotionally. I think it would be wise for him to completely distance himself from his parents and not allow any access to his children. But I do have the perspective of history to be able to understand - in some small measure - his parents' decision.
They would not have been financially ruined. My dad and mom had a stable job at the time. My dad just supplemented his income from his wealthy parents and wanted the inheritance. They would not have gone hungry had my dad been cut off. And my grandmother raised me under similarly hostile circumstances. She is white, and she got a ton of flak for it. But she still raised me, as did other couples under similar circumstances.
Wow. I had assumed your grandmother was black. She is clearly very admirable. And I am sure she had it harder than your parents would have. I am glad that you had someone like her to step up the plate. Did your parents at least pay her child support?
I'm not candy coating anything, Jrz. I'm just aware of what happens in cultures. "Outlawing" something doesn't make it go away, at all. You can outlaw discrimination all you want, and it still exists and makes people's lives miserable. And if you think that outlawing something that's ingrained for generations makes it magically go away overnight, you're the one candy coating.
This has everything to do with bravery. His grandmother was brave and willing to put up with being menaced, but his parents weren't. I wonder if there hadn't been someone as loving as his grandmother, would they have kept him? If they couldn't witness for themselves that he was well taken care of, would they have made a different decision.
Heck, I know a LOT of grandparents who are raising their grandkids basically because the parents just don't feel like it. It's a little more complicated than that, but not much.
The OP is in a difficult spot emotionally. I think it would be wise for him to completely distance himself from his parents and not allow any access to his children. But I do have the perspective of history to be able to understand - in some small measure - his parents' decision.
Regardless of the country's culture, the fact is the parents did not cultivated a loving relationship with the OP from afar. The OP said even now, their friends think his parents only have 2 sons. At this point, they've done nothing for the OP (well, other than give him his beloved grandmother) but done everything to maintain the LIE. Actions have consequences.
They're now balking at the notion that they're not good enough for the grandkids. And truth is, they aren't. The "father" only confirmed that by throwing that manipulative, self serving comment in. I think post #9 was the perfect response that the OP can give to his "parents".
I dont understand how anyone could give away their baby in most circumstances so giving away a baby based on skin color seems really terrible. I cant begin to really understand the situation but I don't blame you for feeling the way you do.
They lived and were raised in a different time. Beliefs were very different. That influenced how they would think about the situation. As time has passed they hopefully realized they were wrong. People do make mistakes sometimes even bad ones. Personally I would forgive them.
I don't think the onus is on the OP here but rather on his parents. If they really want to have a relationship with their grandchildren then they need to start reaching out to them. We don't know if they have made any effort thus far. However, reaching out can start with the small things such as birthday and Christmas cards and presents. His parents also need to figure out how they can make up for the damage they have caused their son. It does not sound like they have reached that point yet.
As part of this, the OP does need to have a frank conversation with his parents, set the record straight with regard to his feelings and set the boundaries for what would be acceptable behavior from his parents to his children.
The easy solution is to disallow any contact. However, at some point, his children are likely to start asking questions and may well request contact. So laying the groundwork sooner rather than later could make life easier for everyone going forward.
Some people are braver than others, that's for sure.
Oh, wow, the strongest and bravest woman I have ever known. She went through it TWICE (by having a child with my black grandfather and then raising me). But she was a very headstrong woman who knew what she wanted and how she felt. She never hid from what she was and what she believed in. She was as fierce and protective around me as a mother tiger with her cub. My mother and my grandmother had a strained relationship, however. She didn't forgive my mother for what happened around my circumstances.
Wow. I had assumed your grandmother was black. She is clearly very admirable. And I am sure she had it harder than your parents would have. I am glad that you had someone like her to step up the plate. Did your parents at least pay her child support?
No, my grandmother was white. Like I said in another post, the strongest and bravest woman I have ever known. Truly. She definitely had it harder than my parents did. She would tell me horrific stories of what happened when she became pregnant with my mother.
I don't think the onus is on the OP here but rather on his parents. If they really want to have a relationship with their grandchildren then they need to start reaching out to them. We don't know if they have made any effort thus far. However, reaching out can start with the small things such as birthday and Christmas cards and presents. His parents also need to figure out how they can make up for the damage they have caused their son. It does not sound like they have reached that point yet.
As part of this, the OP does need to have a frank conversation with his parents, set the record straight with regard to his feelings and set the boundaries for what would be acceptable behavior from his parents to his children.
The easy solution is to disallow any contact. However, at some point, his children are likely to start asking questions and may well request contact. So laying the groundwork sooner rather than later could make life easier for everyone going forward.
I absolutely agree with you about the need to have a frank conversation with them.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 10 days ago)
35,636 posts, read 17,982,736 times
Reputation: 50677
Quote:
Originally Posted by richterman
Oh, wow, the strongest and bravest woman I have ever known. She went through it TWICE (by having a child with my black grandfather and then raising me). But she was a very headstrong woman who knew what she wanted and how she felt. She never hid from what she was and what she believed in. She was as fierce and protective around me as a mother tiger with her cub. My mother and my grandmother had a strained relationship, however. She didn't forgive my mother for what happened around my circumstances.
In retrospect, do you think maybe you fared better in life by being raised by your grandmother instead of your parents? She sounds lovely.
I'm absolutely sorry to hear about what happened to you OP. But good to know you're doing pretty well! Not to be judgemental but your father still sounds VERY selfish and self-serving. Looks like you're better off without them in your life for now.
Someone else said it already....the obligation is on his parents to be frank and open up a discussion. Whether the OP would forgive his parents is his complete choice. What his parents did is horrendous and there is no obligation for the OP to forgive them
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
