Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Blah blah blah "What was going on in Africa" blah blah.
Effin' MOVE then. It's your KID. YOUR CHILD. Your helpless baby boy.
Yeah, because it was SOOOO easy to emigrate from apartheid South Africa - especially with a dark-skinned child. If the mother was "outed" as half black, she could have faced arrest or worse for migrating to another region/country. Were you aware of that? Even for whites, I imagine, it must not have been easy to leave during those times. But if they'd immigrated somewhere (particularly U.S.) illegally, you'd likely take issue with that too.
I'm not excusing their behavior, mind you, but I do understand how difficult that situation was/is.
Write them a nice succinct letter and say that you wished your kids had grandparents too....but that would require that you had parents and the only one you had has passed away.
Excellent point. I would prefer to say all that in person but a letter can also do the job if you're too angry to say it face to face with them.
Either way, just get your feelings said 1 way or another.
Yeah, because it was SOOOO easy to emigrate from apartheid South Africa - especially with a dark-skinned child. If the mother was "outed" as half black, she could have faced arrest or worse for migrating to another region/country. Were you aware of that? Even for whites, I imagine, it must not have been easy to leave during those times. But if they'd immigrated somewhere (particularly U.S.) illegally, you'd likely take issue with that too.
I'm not excusing their behavior, mind you, but I do understand how difficult that situation was/is.
He said those laws were abolished soon after he was born. His parents did not take him back though.
He said those laws were abolished soon after he was born. His parents did not take him back though.
The laws may have been abolished, but I'm guessing it still wasn't easy to emigrate - and that goes for most countries, but especially ones with tense political and social issues. We debate immigration to death these days, and yet still think one can just "pick up and move" whenever they please? From AFRICA, no less? Even without the race factor, it would be tough to gain legal exit/entry to a more tolerant country.
So I'm just saying that was a rather ignorant response, regardless of how I/we feel about the abandonment itself. And having never been in that situation myself (thank goodness), I have a hard time judging their initial actions... how they acted later on is a different story, though, and I do understand the OP's resentment towards them.
If your brothers both look white have you ever considered that maybe your father is not really your father? Could explain why they were eager to get rid of you. Either way though if they did not act like parents there is no reason they should be treated as such.
Nah. He's my biological father. If he wasn't, they would've told me so. Yes, my brothers look white and I don't. However, my daughter is the same. She has my mother's complexion, eyes and hair. My eldest son is darker than me and my second eldest son is the same complexion as I am. He's a carbon copy of me. Like I said, human DNA is very complex.
I understand what you meant when you said that although you're parents may not outright say something ignorant and prejudiced to your children, there is still the chance of them saying something like that and not realizing its impact.
Children have their entire lives to find out how cruel the world can be. I understand you wanting to shield them for awhile. And I also understand that you don't want their first memories of prejudice and ignorance to come from their own grandparents.
I don't see how your father can have the audacity to say you're a bad father for depriving your kids of grandparents when HE abandoned YOU. Does he not realize a child growing up with no loving father is far worse than growing up with no grandfather? What the heck?
And not only did he abandon you but he went on to have other kids who he then kept. So the fact that he kept THEM but abandoned YOU is another slap in the face to you. And now this person wants you to let him into your kids' lives?
I'm not saying to hold a grudge but I am saying that by the lunacy of your father calling YOU a bad father but yet ignoring that HE was, clearly he still doesn't fully understand the seriousness of how he treated you years ago.
Therefore, I can't say he's ready to be a grandfather and I therefore wouldn't trust him or your mother to not say something even accidentally that would drive your kids into years of therapy. Personally, I wouldn't even trust your parents to babysit my dog if I had one.
Yes, I realize I can't protect my kids from all the BS in the world. Especially as they continue to grow and forge their own ways in life. But if I can help keep some of that BS away from them right now (even if it means takin overly-protective measures) then I will. I won't lie - seeing my parents take my younger brothers as their own (while rejecting me) messed me up as a child. I endured intense, suicidal self-hatred from ages 12-16. It would absolutely break my heart to see my kids go through the same. I can't risk that.
I don't get the feeling that OP is interested in getting back at his parents. I think he just genuinely doesn't want them around his own children & potentially messing with their heads, their self-esteem, etc.
I believe in God, the Bible, and forgiveness. But forgiveness doesn't have to mean letting the person who abandoned you & rejected you now come have sleep-overs with you, your wife, & kids.
He can forgive and yet still keep his parents out of his children's lives as a responsible father.
I don't want to "get back at my parents." For a long time as a young man in my teens and early 20s, I did. However, when my children were born, the feelings of abandonment became accentuated. It was almost as if the birth of my babies made me realize the scope of what happened. I saw a therapist and dealt with those feelings for over a year. When my dad said I was a bad father, I must admit for several hours, those ancient feelings of anger and hate submerged to the surface. But I have put it behind me.
I agree with your wife. You would have been telling him the truth which he ought to be told.
If all you were going to do is say stuff like "You're fat" or "You're ugly", that would not be helpful and it would not get anything off your chest.
But if you tell him all the stuff you held in for decades, way to go! He would have deserved it & had it coming after all this time.
I used to hold major things inside for years but holding them in would usually eat me up inside so much that months or years later, I'd wind up having the very same uncomfortable conversations with my parents that I'd put off earlier.
I'll admit - I have always been averse to conflict. Any semblance of it - whether verbal, emotional or physical. I just don't like it. I feel like life is too short for that. I have always tried to avoid conflict in my life if I can and I think that's why I didn't blow up regarding to what my "father" said.
I lived in Africa for a long time and I can ALMOST understand why your mother chose to identify as white. Starting with the legal repercussions of marrying a white man. Then those of being found out after lying on (Lord knows how many) legal forms about being white. In spite of the fact that so many white South Africans have some black in them it was still not a desirable legal or societal position to be in.
All that said, it takes a pretty special brand of indifference to put your own child through the very ringer you are trying to avoid. Its pretty awful. There are fully white couples in South africa that had black looking children. They could have passed themselves off as one of those. It would have been pretty awful for your family in the Boer/Afikaner community( and quite frankly for you too) But i cant help thinking that at some point people would have moved on.
Maybe your mother didnt want that for you or herself. Maybe she thought you'd be better off. I dont know what i would have done in that situation...it would have been a damned if you do, damned if you dont. Still, i feel like they could have handled that differently. Moving even... to a place without apartheid.
That said, if that was my history, my kids would not have grandparents. Your children's grandparents are the adults that raised you. Your parents didn't raise you, no matter what the reason. IMHO, they dont get to play that card now and the fact that your 'Father' tried to is disgusting.
My father comes from money. His parents found out the truth when I was born. They gave him an ultimatum - let me go (and hide the "shame") or lose out on the inheritance.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
