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But the cultural Santa thing IS based on reward: Santa brings gifts to "good little boys and girls", he "knows if you've been naughty or nice" and children who haven't been "good" are likely to get either nothing from Santa or "coal in their stocking." If that's not a reward/punishment scenario outcome I don't know what is, LOL
And be honest: Many parents, especially at the start of the holiday season, will find themselves saying something like "You'd better behave [or stop what you're doing] or else Santa won't bring you anything."
Even though I'm the one questioning our participation in the Santa myth, this is not how we use Santa in our house. We never use Santa to threaten or to reward. He's just a nice old man who likes to give gifts to children.
I was nine when I "got the news" which was a bit old, but I was crushed. I am sure that I would have figured it out eventually on my own.
FWIW, I do think it is unforgivable when adults tell children other on their own that there is no Santa. I still remember my five-year-old sister coming home crying from a birthday party because the birthday girl's mom took it upon herself to break it to the group that there was no Santa. (In fact, I hope that woman didn't get any presents for the rest of her life!)
P.S. Btw, we adopted our daughter when she was six, and although it was stressed to us to never to lie to her by various social workers and psychotherapists (as she had a very strong distrust of adults due to her bio mom), we did lie about Santa until she asked he was really real. When I much later told her that I felt mildly guilty about lying to her, my daughter said, "But, Mom, that was a good lie!"
I was nine when I "got the news" which was a bit old, but I was crushed. I am sure that I would have figured it out eventually on my own.
FWIW, I do think it is unforgivable when adults tell children other on their own that there is no Santa. I still remember my five-year-old sister coming home crying from a birthday party because the birthday girl's mom took it upon herself to break it to the group that there was no Santa. (In fact, I hope that woman didn't get any presents for the rest of her life!)
P.S. Btw, we adopted our daughter when she was six, and although it was stressed to us to never to lie to her by various social workers and psychotherapists (as she had a very strong distrust of adults due to her bio mom), we did lie about Santa until she asked he was really real. When I much later told her that I felt mildly guilty about lying to her, my daughter said, "But, Mom, that was a good lie!"
Even though I'm the one questioning our participation in the Santa myth, this is not how we use Santa in our house. We never use Santa to threaten or to reward. He's just a nice old man who likes to give gifts to children.
I would definitely recommend the movie Klaus because this origin story of Santa fits in line with what you express here. It also fits perfectly with our vision of Santa. (we don’t care for the Elf on the Shelf that has grown popular over the years)
My wife and I were not traumatized when we figured it out. Neither were my kids in the least. Neither are millions of other kids. I honestly do not understand the hand-wringing going on here. Your kids are not nearly as sensitive to this as adults make it out to be. Eventually their classmates will tell them and the *** is up. Whoopty doo.
Yes, someone suggested that to me, too. I did that with my oldest. The first time we had that conversation, she said she thought Santa was real. Pretty soon, she figured it out. I don't remember with my second, but I do remember even after she figured it out, we were out shopping one day. There was a Santa at a store and she asked if she could talk to him. I said "yes".
FWIW, I do think it is unforgivable when adults tell children other on their own that there is no Santa. I still remember my five-year-old sister coming home crying from a birthday party because the birthday girl's mom took it upon herself to break it to the group that there was no Santa. (In fact, I hope that woman didn't get any presents for the rest of her life!)
Oh, dear. Please don't brush the stardust from your children's eyes at such a tender age. There is too much disappointment in the world to unnecessarily add to it.. Instead, try one of the following ideas:
The "What do YOU think?" response is a good one, but be prepared to follow up if need be. You can quite honestly tell them that Santa has many different names, but originally, he was known as Saint Nicholas, and he loved and cared about children, many long years ago. He often wore a red robe, as Santa generally still does today. He was called "Saint" because he was such a good, generous, caring person. No need to go into the religious aspects of sainthood if you prefer not to go this route. Just tell them that people told stories about the dearly loved St. Nicholas, whose nickname was "Claus", and we still do today.
There's a little book called "There Really Was a Santa Claus" that goes into the history of Saint Nicholas and his various embodiments in different countries and cultures, and will gently and interestingly inform the reader without too much disturbance of the magic. Not sure it's still around, but check your public library and ask for an interlibrary loan if you can't get it there. It works well with those who still believe as well as those who have doubts.
That's another good term to use: Santa Claus is "magic" or "magical".. No need to elaborate - just state it seriously and with conviction. Kids in both categories are happy to accept this term - some take it to refer to Santa's supernatural powers, while others associate it with myth and legend. Works fine both ways.
I have used this with groups of children that included Santa-believers as well as non-believers, and all were happy to think of Santa as "magic". Has to be, to fly those reindeer and that sleigh all over the world in a single night!
As for mall Santas, well, of course, they're Santa's helpers, dressed up like him to remind us to be like St Nicholas, good and kind and caring and generous. And we can all be "Santas", if we try to be like him - no need to dress up in a red suit or sport a fake beard. But if it helps remind people to be like Santa, then great, bring out the red velour!
There are plenty of countries and cultures where children do not experience Santa growing up, and it is fine. I won't deny your personal feelings though. Also, I am not the arbiter of what my children believe, but I do feel guilty for encouraging belief in something that isn't true because it goes against my values. This isn't about controlling belief, it is about encouraging belief based on logic, reason, and truth.
I think there is a difference between growing up in a country where Santa Claus is unheard of, and growing up in a country where lots of kids partake in the childhood tradition of Santa Claus that is denied to you.
This is something I think a lot about every year. My wife and I have two children, ages 6 and 3 (close to 4).
To give a bit of background information in case it is useful, my wife and I are atheists. Despite that, we are very into celebrating many of the secular aspects of Christmas, because we love the family gatherings, decorations, traditions, music, etc. This is partially because I have a very close family and enjoy in sharing in these celebrations with them.
When our oldest child was born my wife and I debated on whether or not to perpetuate the Santa myth with him. At that time we decided to go with it because we thought it was fun, relatively harmless, and because his cousins, who he would be seeing often, have Santa in their household. Now that he is older, I regret that decision.
Our son absolutely loves Santa, and he is mesmerized by him. He gets incredibly excited to see him in the store, talk to him, and has a twinkle in his eye when he goes to sleep on Christmas Eve. Part of me finds this endearing, but another part of me feels incredibly guilty about it.
I have a few main concerns, some short term, and some long term. In the short term I am afraid that when my son realizes that Santa isn't real he will be crushed. What I find more concerning are my longer term worries. I'm afraid that perpetuating this myth will erode his trust in the people he should be able to trust most. I am also concerned that we may be damaging his critical thinking skills. It is our goal to raise children who are skeptical and rely on logic and reason to come to conclusions. I keep hoping to see our son debunk Santa by using those skills, but it hasn't happened yet!
My wife and I do not go out of our way to make Santa seem real. We don't do Elf on the Shelf, don't send letters from Santa, and we do not leave any tangible evidence that he visited other than gifts under the tree. When my son asks how Santa does this or that, we turn the question back on him and try to have him think through it. We never give a concrete answer. I was hoping this would be the year where he might come to the conclusion that Santa isn't real, but it doesn't appear to be the case. I very clearly remember coming to the realization on my own at his age, but I guess he isn't 100% his father's son.
I'm really hoping that by next year he is over it. I feel like if he is not by then, we may have to be proactive and figure out a way to let him down gently while still preserving trust. I didn't write much about his younger sister. She isn't nearly as enamored with Santa as he was at her age, right now I'm hoping she never is! I really wish we had told our children Santa was pretend from the beginning.
I'm sure others out there have faced a similar dilemma.
I am late to this discussion, but I think your concerns are minor and not at all serious.
In terms of your son being crushed, I have never encountered someone being crushed by this reveal. At elast not crushed in the way I would use that term. Some kids are sad if they are told without already knowing. But its hardly something causing any social damage. Most kids do indeed work it out on their own before they are told by their parents. Otherwise, most kids understand that magical creatures are indeed fun for young children to have and hold. I think people sell kids short. They have amazing minds and can easily grasp the concept.
As for your longer term worries, as I said, they grasp the reasons, and thus don't have any trust issues. We told my daughter when she was 10, she had already figured it out and was in no way crushed. She was excited to help play the part wit her younger family and friends who believe. When we told my son at 10, he was the same.
I think in fact belief in magical creatures is incredibly important for young ones. It helps in creative thinking and developing that darn left side of the brain. Fantasy thoughts about magic are fun. My kids used to do plays at the age of your children for us after dinner. While not Broadway worthy, they often involved a magic talking dog or other animal. As they aged these converted to super powers from the books and visual media we showed them. A kid who has no imagination for magical creatures could not possibly enjoy something like the Percy Jackson book series or Harry Potter as much as one ready to accept magic as a young one.
I encourage you to not break the myth until he comes to you, or he is much older. I would wait until 10 at least.
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. Instead, try one of the following ideas:
