Is something wrong with my 8 year old or am I over-thinking this? (ADHD, punishment)
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As a parent, I always believed that if I feel something is wrong, there is a high likelihood that something is indeed wrong.
But, as "parents" (mom and dad together) if one strongly feels something is wrong and the other strongly feels nothing is wrong, how to resolve it?
I will write examples as to why I think something is wrong:
1. She sat on her bed in a spot where there are books/phone. Hubby got upset that a) she doesn't see things before doing it, when clearly, there is more room on the other side of bed b) she could have easily moved them over and then sit. He does explain why what she did was wrong.
30 mins later. She goes and sits on the exact same spot where there are books/ phone.
I say, something is wrong. He says she lacks respect.
2. She would stir her spoon in her rice/chicken and dunk the same spoon in gravy to grab some. we've told repeatedly about how gravy/curry would spoil if we do that and why she shouldn't do that. She would repeat the exact same thing 1 day later. weve been through this at least a 100 times.
3. We've been talking about how she should be more careful with her personal hygiene. I, as a mom, spoke with her and helped her understand what/why/where/when etc of a young girl. we bought her books etc to go through and learn herself if she wants. and YET without me or her dad reminding her, she would not even brush her teeth, let alone shower/ brush her hair. Once i left it to see when she will realise. she went up to 5 days....until the BO was so strong that I HAD to tell her to go shower.
4. She would get in trouble, lose the iPAD for the day. in 10 mins she would forget what she got in trouble for. sometimes even less than 10 mins.
do you think something is wrong or something that she will grow out of?
Why not talk to your doctor about it, see what he says, and consider getting her evaluated? She may have something like ADD, or who knows what. It would be better to know yay or nay, than to worry without knowing. If she's diagnosed with something, then--great! You can learn what to do to help.
Sometimes kids don't see "the bigger picture" of why they should do what they should do. Like brushing teeth, bathing, etc. They don't feel responsible for that. They do it because you tell them to, not because they see the need for it. Like...I can remember I was about 10, when me, myself, and I decided I needed to take a bath at my grandma's once, because no one had told me to go take a bath...but I felt like it was past time. LOL
Regarding the spoon issue...if it was me, if I saw her do that, I'd say "Stop! Get up, and go get another spoon. Right now. She doesn't care about what she perceives as YOUR rule. Make it inconvenient for her to not listen to YOUR rule, and be consistent about it.
I wasn't real clear on the books thing. Was it that she sat ON the books and papers, as opposed to possibly moving them, or having a different place to sit? Again, if it were me, I'd make her get up and sit on the floor for the rest of the evening. Make it inconvenient for HER.
When I was growing up, it was my brother's job to take the trash out. He'd often forget to do so, until my mom dumped the trash out on his bed one time. He never forgot again.
Another time, my mom was always telling the guys in our house (two brothers and my dad) to put a shirt on before coming to the table. We lived in Florida, where it gets hot and muggy. They often came to the table without shirts, and my mom would tell them to go put a shirt on, and they would, but with much grumbling.
So one time, they came to the table without a shirt on, and my mom took her shirt off. There she was, sitting at the dining table in her bra. Believe you me, the guys never forgot after that.
Only you know your child and know if this is new behavior or long term developed behavior. It may be something like ADD/ADHD where she needs extra reminding to do certain things or extra reminding of what is appropriate behavior. Or she may just be an oblivious child who is just going through life and not really paying attention.
People have to learn what is acceptable and expected as they grow and some things are just not gonna stick for a while.
First, the book/bed thing. Shes probably just not paying attention or being lazy. Were they your books or hers? Your phone or hers? If they are hers, then she isnt being disrespectful to you, only her own things (which i realize if you purchased them it feels disrespectful) and you should remind her to respect her belongings but yelling or starting an argument over it is kind of a waste of time. Do not make her sit on the floor for the rest of the night as was suggested above, she is a person and a member of the family not an animal.
The gravy thing, even if youve told her 100 times, when she wants some she forgets and just dunks her spoon. At the dinner table, move it further away so that she has to ask you to give it to her and remind her to use the correct spoon. She doesnt see the lesson yet. Create an extra obstacle so she remembers.
At 8 years old you need to tell her that the rule is she showers and brushes her teeth everynight. Its not a negotiation. Make the rule and stick to it. Tell her at 8 pm everynight she gets in the shower, brushes her teeth and goes to bed. Every single night. Dont let her get smelly.
As far as the punishment and the ipad try to do it in reverse (this would work for other things too). Instead of taking things away when she gets in trouble, make her earn them. The ipad is a priviledge so set up a system where if she does her chores/homework/shower/ etc etc she earns ipad time. She has a short attention span for punishment but rewards have been shown to have a more positive effect on behavior. Additionally she will probably decrease her screen time.
Most of the stuff she will grow out of, some you will have to work at. But rule out ADD/ADHD first.
And as the kind people have told me many times in this forum, is this the hill you want to die on? Books on the bed? Gravy spoons and ipad?
Regarding her spoon in the gravy, think about how many grown adults "double dip" potato chips or tortilla chips into dip or salsa at a party. i would suggest using a brightly colored serving spoon to give her a visual reminder (that the serving spoon is different from the spoons used for eating) or keep the gravy on your side of the table so she needs to ask for it.
Children need to be taught how to organize their lives, including hygiene and taking care of their "stuff". I agree with LO above about setting a regular time for bathing. She should also have a convenient place to keep her books etc and not pile them on her bed. Before going to bed, she could learn to pick up and put away her things that are out of place. It may require some reminding at first and praise when she remembers on her own. This is a perfect age to teach kids not to be "slobs".
I have eleven kids & at 8 years old I was reminding them constantly about similar issues you mentioned. Maybe by age 10 a stern look (giving them the "mom glare ") started working.
Next time she starts to do something she's been told not to, try saying her name & when she asks "what?", ask her "what am I about to tell you?", which will make her reflect & acknowledge her behavior. Make it a part of her own thought process.
If it makes you feel better, the only one of my kids I didn't have to remind to brush their teeth for a decade is my youngest who is severely autistic, lol. He's so fixated on routine and rules that he literally can't move on to the next thing until all the bedtime steps are done in order. He even sets his iPad alarm for when to head to the bathtub. So no, I don't think anything is wrong with your daughter.
brush her teeth, let alone shower/ brush her hair. Once i left it to see when she will realise. she went up to 5 days....until the BO was so strong that I HAD to tell her to go shower.
You get five days? You're lucky, we can't even go one day.
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