When you don’t believe “i love you” anymore

[Blondy]

Originally Posted by smf457

Honestly, I did not. But I also didn’t judge him for his income or lack of one. He said dating was hard because girls were judging him on his current job and not willing to hear his plans and he was working on. i also used to always pay for certain expenses without him knowing (so he doesn’t feel bad). I encouraged him to finish college and apply for a better job.

But I admit, I didn't do as much as he did for me. So, my question here was: did he stop loving me and stop doing these things?

We fall in love with people who best meet our most important needs within a relationship.

My guess is you were doing something to meet one or more of his most important needs before and you aren't doing it now or at least not to his satisfaction.

And yes he is selfish......we all are. When we don't get our needs met we feel disappointed, hurt, angry, unloved, etc. We start to fall "out of love" and retaliate by not meeting our partner's needs or meeting them resentfully.

So for example, you mentioned that you accepted him as he was with regard to his financial/job situation. Acceptance as we are is in general a huge need for most people. Now, and since before the baby was born, you are critical of how he did things to get ready for the baby, how he handles the baby, how he drives, how much time he spends on his job, how he serves dinner, how he meets or doesn't meet your need for affection/closeness, etc.

If I recall he was out of a job for a while when he was treating you like a princess with massages, breakfast in bed, doing all the cooking/cleaning? Maybe he underestimated his ability to keep all that going once he got a job and the baby came and he disappointed you first causing you to withdraw acceptance and the cycle started spinning out of control.

You could have both disappointed each other simultaneously. Impossible for me to say and probably hard for either of you to pinpoint exactly. The important thing is that if you want this relationship to last, you have to break that cycle by getting very clear with yourselves and each other about what each of your most important needs are and how you want them to be met. Then you have to figure out if you are willing to put in the effort to do that for each other.

You can google lists of need/emotional needs in relationships. The most common ones are affection, sexual fulfillment, financial support, domestic support, fun/recreational companionship, intimate conversation, physical attraction, family commitment, openness/honesty/loyalty, admiration/acceptance. You probably don't both have the same exact list in the same order of priority.

[Cloudwalker]

"It gets better once we go for a walk and do something together." This. Go for a stroll every evening, it'll help your baby settle better for the night, it's a chance to just walk and talk - or not talk, you'll both benefit from the exercise and change of scenery, there's no distractions of work or chores or settling the baby, it's 45 min relief from the very heavy and real demands of looking after a newborn and starting a new job.

It seems like overall this is a bandwidth issue for both of you - lots of important things happening at the same time that demand attention. Do what you can to let the less important things slip to the side for a few months while you both readjust.

Hang in there, this too shall pass.

[ukiyo-e]

My son is 31 now, and was the easiest child ever at every age - no terrible twos, no teenage angst - but man, he was the worst sleeper until he turned 2, and the minute he started sleeping 6 or 7 hours a night, he quit napping during the day. As someone already pointed out, caring for newborns and young babies is brutal. I remember once when I was walking my son in his stroller, totally exhausted from getting up multiple times the night before, a woman came the other way pushing a wheelchair with a boy about 8 in it, hooked up to all kinds of tubes and restraints. He clearly had some kind of serious medical problem. That was my wake-up call - that someday my healthy, normal baby WILL sleep all night. This WILL end, and I WILL get some rest.

Hang in there. It gets easier, but before it does, it's exhausting. And when you have a little person saying the funniest things, climbing in your lap to give you a kiss and a hug, it will all have been worth it. And some dads do better with older children than babies - my son's did.