Daughter, now 23, drinking a lot (party, support, game, parents)

[Bette]

Our daughter, age 23, is known by some family members to drink
too much - she drinks very fast and may overdo. As a parent, how to handle? We are not drinkers - glass of wine maybe a couple of times a year.

She lives in NYC but came home recently - got together with all her cousins and they all got drunk. She was not driving but otherwise, she is responsible. She works out all the time but picked up this drinking thing in her senior year of college when she started hanging out with a different group of girls than her normal friends.

She wears a tough exterior and she knows we want her to tone it down. At home, she's fine but when she goes out, this might be a problem.

I would love to hear from other females (young adults) how they would like their parents to handle it. We have always been supportive of her.

[regarese]

Tough call because is could go either way. I didn't drink at all until I turned 21. I got trashed the night of my 21st birthday and quite a few times after that. I didn't drink to get drunk everytime I had a drink, but if I was going to a party or was going to be hanging out with my cousins who could drink and wasn't going to be driving, I got drunk. If my parents had said something to me, I probably would have just ignored them especially since I was doing fine in school, working full time, and being otherwise responsible.

I think it's good that she's respectful of what you want while she's at home with you, but I would say not to get on her too much, and she will probably grow out of it. It gets old pretty quick. LOL. If you want to be at ease about it, then talk to her about it. Ask her why she drinks as much as she does. My answer to my parents would have been because it was fun-nothing more, nothing less.

There will probably be people who say she's on the road to alcoholism, but that may be an overreaction. Then again, it might not be, but only you know your daughter well enough to know if you really think this is just her feeling her oats or she has a potential problem. Good luck.

[mommiewrites]

I wish I could offer you some advice, but I really don't have any.

You can tell her how dangerous it is, and every other logical excuse, but it probably won't make a difference unfortunately.

I"m the 'odd one out' in my family. I don't drink. Everyone else drinks in excess. My uncle was killed by a drunk driver when I was 12. That made enough of an impact on me to never even want it.

Sure, I've had a few drinks in my 30 years- but I could count them on 2 hands. a 6 pack of beer lasts me and hubby over a year! lol

Good luck to you! Just stress the importance of not drinking and driving!!!! She may not care if she kills herself, but knowing she could harm or kill someones child, or favorite uncle, or mother might make her think twice.

[mishigas73]

UGH, after the weekend that I just had (being the DD, among a whole bunch of completely drunk people, and dealing with the responsibilities that came with that) I cannot believe that I'm about to say this....but....if this is something that is an occasional thing, I really don't see an issue with it.

You are, admittedly, not a drinker. I'm sure you know this already, but I'll say it anyway...there's a WIDE gap between what you drink and having trouble with alcohol.
From what you have said, your daughter is responsible when she does drink, and that is to be commended. By YOU. I'm almost 35, and honestly, yesterday I spoke to my mom on the phone and told her about my weekend, and assured her that I was the DD. And, when I do go out and have been drinking, I do the same. Just to reassure her that I've been responsible.

As a daughter, I feel that this is my responsibility. And, frankly, I believe that if this is not a habitual thing, you should simply respect what she does, and be happy that she's responsible. And, reinforce the fact that it's GREAT that she's not driving. That's a lesson that's never too soon to learn, and something unfortunately, that many people don't ever learn.

Keep an eye on it, of course, but don't harp unless it really does become an issue. The only thing that I can see from your words is that she drinks more than you do. When you go from zero to, say, 20 mph, it's not such a huge issue, is it?

As someone who has been in her position, I will say that I would want my parents to let me know that they see these things (i.e. by saying that it's a good thing I got a DD, or something like that) and just to stick on the sidelines until it really, honestly, became an issue.

Best of luck.

[Bette]

Thanks for the responses! I have tried very hard early on to point one thing that was good about her every day - for example, in high school, I would compliment her on how organized she was and how I wish I could be more like that, etc.

She graduated from a great college with a degree in interdisciplinary neuroscience (3.75 GPA) and worked very hard. During an internship, she found she didn't like the field as much and instead, met this group of girls, moved back to where she went to college, that didn't work out and now moved to NYC which is working out.

What I am worried about is that she is an overachiever and may become bored (or already has become so) with what she is doing and compensates by the drinking. It's hard to broach the subject without seeming judgmental and she's 23. Her dad and I are disappointed the first choice didn't work but she is blazing a new path. I worry that she is telling us she is fine but really not. She lives alone in a 1 bedroom, 500 SF apartment in Manhattan. I worry about that, too, but she says she definitely wants to live alone - will never live with someone else again!

I just always want her in our lives and she is so much fun to be with that we miss her. I encourage her independence and we taught her to be independent so we are fine with that.

[b75]

It is hard to evaluate, since admittedly you don't live the same type of lifestyle. She could be developing a problem or just be acting like a young single metropolitan woman. Heck I'm the quintessential single yuppie & in my 30s & I probably drink a bit heavier then my married w/children counterparts (although I have probably slowed down since my early 20s). It's just the lifestyle many who are unencumbered live. If there isn't a history of alcoholism in your family I'd say she is probably just being a younger, free spirit and with time will calm down. If there is a genetic pre-disposition my concern would be more elevated that, with time, a problem would develop whereas her counterparts would progress on to the next phase of their lives. I hope that helps.

[mishigas73]

Originally Posted by b75

It is hard to evaluate, since admittedly you don't live the same type of lifestyle. She could be developing a problem or just be acting like a young single metropolitan woman. Heck I'm the quintessential single yuppie & in my 30s & I probably drink a bit heavier then my married w/children counterparts (although I have probably slowed down since my early 20s). It's just the lifestyle many who are unencumbered live. If there isn't a history of alcoholism in your family I'd say she is probably just being a younger, free spirit and with time will calm down. If there is a genetic pre-disposition my concern would be more elevated that, with time, a problem would develop whereas her counterparts would progress on to the next phase of their lives. I hope that helps.

FWIW, I agree with this.

I also will say, don't look for problems where there aren't any. Sure, be vigilant, but recognize that this is probably something that is part of her life now, and may not be in a couple of years.

Again, I wish you the best.

[willdufauve]

I'm a parent of a 23-year-old also, so I can really empathize with you.

She's your daughter and you obviously love her, and want the best for her. However, at 23 and living on her own in NYC, your daughter's personal lifestyle choices are none of your business and it's not the business of other family members to judge her behavior.

The posters above are giving you good advice. I would say, step back a little, don't try to psycho-analyze her, and try to think of her as just another adult out in the world making her own choices, which may not be your choices.

She sounds like a fine young person. Have some trust in her and yourself that you raised her well. At 23 her choices are HER choices, not yours. It's hard to do, but it's the necessary life stage issue for the parent of an adult to work out. In other words, you can be the one to change, and not try to change her.

[charolastra00]

How do you know her drinking habits at home? Does she tell you?

Just because a girl gets drunk with her family over the holidays doesn't really mean much. I know people who literally don't drink at all but get drunk with a bunch of close cousins. I don't think that's reason for alarm.

FWIW, I'm a 20 year old college student who doesn't drink often- heck, I picked my college out of other similarly ranked schools because it's on all those "no social life" (aka no party scene) lists. Alcoholism runs in my family so I avoid it. HOWEVER, once every few months I might play a drinking game with friends or my family members. During finals, I generally have at least one professor who has a "wine and cheese" party to relax and that's fine with me too. Yet, my parents looking in thought that was just the tip of the iceberg and freaked out. That's really hurtful.

So really, if it's not negatively impacting other areas of her life, I'd say butt out. Otherwise, it could easily be perceived by a child as parents who can't let go, and that's damaging to any relationship.

[Robhu]

Obviously you are concerned about your daughter like any parent would be.
She is over 21 and responsible for her own actions and any problems that might result from those actions.
Pushing her on the subject might make her rebell just to show you that she has the right to make her own choices.
This might be a fling type of thing that she feels proves to the world she is an adult and can do what she pleases.
If she was raised in a nonalcoholic home she probably won't have a long term problem. Most young folks go through these stages and learn from them and things turn out ok. Hopefully this is how it will work out for her.
I think most of us have sowed some wild oats in our younger days and still turned out to live good, respectable lives.