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Motivation doesn't work. I offered him $100 if he brought his gpa up this 9wks to atleast a 3.0. Albeit was only 3wks ago when I thought of the offer, and last Friday was the last day of this 9wks. He could have done it, but didn't really try. Even though he wants $ of course. That wasn't enough of a motivator, obviously. What teen would turn down $100?
Because he doesn't care about the $100. Actually, allow me to rephrase - he is so depressed that there is virtually nothing that will motivate him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly3
His learners permit has been taken away now for ~6mos, by me....due to irresponsibility. I will not let him ever drive our car and am fearful if we continue on and let him get his real DL, he'll drive someone elses car and have an horrific accident. We even haven't let him 'practice' anymore since his license was taken away so he doesn't even really know how to drive and right now, that is a good thing.
Yes. I agree that you should not allow him to drive.
Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly3
He smokes mj. I know, it's awful. It's been ongoing for 2yrs on and off. I have called and looked into EVERY AVENUE out there, scoured the yellow pages, searched the internet, read books. I've begged him. We had a family intervention of some sorts one time. He is even in counseling of which he doesn't even want to go to....he says he likes smoking, does the old argument 'it should be legal, alcohol kills but mj doesn't', and says he will not stop. I have been told and have read over and over in different books, articles etc that nothing will help, unless he has the desire to stop.
Something like 80%-90% of kids with truancy issues smoke pot. It doesn't surprise me at all that he does. It's also likely a contributor to his lack of motivation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly3
He is 16 and in school, there are times before and after school where he can smoke. He sneaks out his window, if grounded. We put a lock on it, he broke it. I can't follow him 24/7 to make sure he doesn't 'take a puff'-which only takes about 2 minutes. Hence, what to do?
The next time he sneaks out the window, report him as a runaway. Either that or file a child in need of services petition for him repeatedly violating your rules or talk to someone at the school about filing one for truancy. He will be drug tested by court order and the court will provide far harsher consequences than you ever could for smoking. They can also get him into treatment.
Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly3
He is prescribed Lexapro-reason because he admitted he felt down a lot. That was 8mos ago. Now, this past week, he is refusing to take it. He says he doesn't need it. What do I do? Cram it down his throat? He is bigger than I and very strong. He has an anger problem and since I am his authority, his most problem is with me. He cannot be provoked or he will become physical.
If he becomes physical, call the police.
Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly3
One day he got very loud, mouthy and semi-violent here....my husband got in his face (his stepdad) and he initiated a physical situation with husband. Now, my husband is 6'4" and twice sons weight-my son was able to get husband down to the ground. Husband had just had a back surgery 2wks prior!
If there was an assault, it could likely still be reported.
Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly3
His counseling session is tomorrow. He now only goes every other week, that was the counselors suggestion since my son had been refusing to be home when it was literally time to leave for his last 2 weekly appts...so we missed them at the last second. I'd call him and say, 'where are you? we have to leave now and you're not here!' he'd say 'I'm not going today and you don't know where I am' (when I'd threaten to come physically get him for the appt) And he completely was told the day and for days before, about these appts, and I often reminded him, 'make sure you're home on time for your appt tomorrow, we have to leave by --'. He'd just pacify me all while knowing he wasn't going to show at the last minute.
Again..a court would be able to order to him to attend counseling.
I should also advise to not allow his stepfather to become involved in any discipline issues.
Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly3
As you can see, he's very manipulative. Incorrigible.
And, I am in a very difficult situation. His dad is basically useless. He's always wrapped up in his own drama and problems.....so, I have stopped calling him for help/assistance. He's the one person that my son will obey-some of the time.
Which is why you have to figure out a way to deal with this on your own, regardless of how difficult it may be.
Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly3
So, now maybe you can kind of see why I mentioned kicking him out. After the last nights posts about truancy and how I can't kick him out...I re-thought and you're right. He is a minor. But, I printed out the truancy paper and called him, told him to come home. He said he was at a friends in the neighborhood and was sleeping the night. I left it at that for now.
Of course I can see why you mentioned kicking him out and I can understand why you'd want to. But you cannot give up on him. As I've already said, the next time he says he is sleeping over at a friend's house and you tell him not to, call the police.
Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly3
I will not threaten to kick him out anymore. But, I just don't know what else to do with this kid. Should I just stop even inquiring about his skipping and let him suffer the ramifications of his own actions-which he knows are wrong??? (it's not like he's 5.....he completely knows every wrong thing that he's doing, but still continues)
Just so you know a timeframe of how long this has been ongoing, it's been 3 LONG yrs. I'm tired. And, have no more tears left to cry.
I know this must be extremely difficult. But, the fact is, you cannot just throw in the towel and give up.
Last edited by afoigrokerkok; 03-24-2009 at 08:46 AM..
Please, what a joke that is. Let me provide a link to a high profile lawsuit from a few yrs back to give a little insight into the HS lack of control over skipping:
We got schools around like that too. And even though they monitor the main entrances, that doesn't stop the kids from hopping out a ground story window (of a class that isn't in use or bathroom), or climbing over the fence out by the football and baseball fields. Even the old "distract the guard while your buddy sneaks out behind him" maneuver works.
Our old school used to have a hole in the chain link fence out of site at the very edge of the right field of the baseball diamond, but all the kids knew about it and kids would sneak out that way during lunch. The adults seemed to never catch on as it was never covered up and kids kept doing it.
There was a shed that had about 2-3 feet between its wall and the fence and from the campus you couldn't see behind it. From the street, the hole was covered by a hedge, so passing cars wouldn't see it either.
My point being if the kids want to get out, they will find a way, short of patrolling officers on the campus.
We got schools around like that too. And even though they monitor the main entrances, that doesn't stop the kids from hopping out a ground story window (of a class that isn't in use or bathroom), or climbing over the fence out by the football and baseball fields. Even the old "distract the guard while your buddy sneaks out behind him" maneuver works.
Our old school used to have a hole in the chain link fence out of site at the very edge of the right field of the baseball diamond, but all the kids knew about it and kids would sneak out that way during lunch. The adults seemed to never catch on as it was never covered up and kids kept doing it.
There was a shed that had about 2-3 feet between its wall and the fence and from the campus you couldn't see behind it. From the street, the hole was covered by a hedge, so passing cars wouldn't see it either.
My point being if the kids want to get out, they will find a way, short of patrolling officers on the campus.
Yes they will. But, when they have officers and fences, the number of kids who do is usually lower.
Motivation doesn't work. I offered him $100 if he brought his gpa up this 9wks to atleast a 3.0. Albeit was only 3wks ago when I thought of the offer, and last Friday was the last day of this 9wks. He could have done it, but didn't really try. Even though he wants $ of course. That wasn't enough of a motivator, obviously. What teen would turn down $100?
His learners permit has been taken away now for ~6mos, by me....due to irresponsibility. I will not let him ever drive our car and am fearful if we continue on and let him get his real DL, he'll drive someone elses car and have an horrific accident. We even haven't let him 'practice' anymore since his license was taken away so he doesn't even really know how to drive and right now, that is a good thing.
He smokes mj. I know, it's awful. It's been ongoing for 2yrs on and off. I have called and looked into EVERY AVENUE out there, scoured the yellow pages, searched the internet, read books. I've begged him. We had a family intervention of some sorts one time. He is even in counseling of which he doesn't even want to go to....he says he likes smoking, does the old argument 'it should be legal, alcohol kills but mj doesn't', and says he will not stop. I have been told and have read over and over in different books, articles etc that nothing will help, unless he has the desire to stop.
He is 16 and in school, there are times before and after school where he can smoke. He sneaks out his window, if grounded. We put a lock on it, he broke it. I can't follow him 24/7 to make sure he doesn't 'take a puff'-which only takes about 2 minutes. Hence, what to do?
He is prescribed Lexapro-reason because he admitted he felt down a lot. That was 8mos ago. Now, this past week, he is refusing to take it. He says he doesn't need it. What do I do? Cram it down his throat? He is bigger than I and very strong. He has an anger problem and since I am his authority, his most problem is with me. He cannot be provoked or he will become physical.
One day he got very loud, mouthy and semi-violent here....my husband got in his face (his stepdad) and he initiated a physical situation with husband. Now, my husband is 6'4" and twice sons weight-my son was able to get husband down to the ground. Husband had just had a back surgery 2wks prior!
His counseling session is tomorrow. He now only goes every other week, that was the counselors suggestion since my son had been refusing to be home when it was literally time to leave for his last 2 weekly appts...so we missed them at the last second. I'd call him and say, 'where are you? we have to leave now and you're not here!' he'd say 'I'm not going today and you don't know where I am' (when I'd threaten to come physically get him for the appt) And he completely was told the day and for days before, about these appts, and I often reminded him, 'make sure you're home on time for your appt tomorrow, we have to leave by --'. He'd just pacify me all while knowing he wasn't going to show at the last minute.
As you can see, he's very manipulative. Incorrigible.
And, I am in a very difficult situation. His dad is basically useless. He's always wrapped up in his own drama and problems.....so, I have stopped calling him for help/assistance. He's the one person that my son will obey-some of the time.
So, now maybe you can kind of see why I mentioned kicking him out. After the last nights posts about truancy and how I can't kick him out...I re-thought and you're right. He is a minor. But, I printed out the truancy paper and called him, told him to come home. He said he was at a friends in the neighborhood and was sleeping the night. I left it at that for now.
I will not threaten to kick him out anymore. But, I just don't know what else to do with this kid. Should I just stop even inquiring about his skipping and let him suffer the ramifications of his own actions-which he knows are wrong??? (it's not like he's 5.....he completely knows every wrong thing that he's doing, but still continues)
Just so you know a timeframe of how long this has been ongoing, it's been 3 LONG yrs. I'm tired. And, have no more tears left to cry.
Wow, that is a much different scenario from the op where he was skipping a few classes. 3 years is a long time, too long and I can understand you being at your wits end and I would be also. If he keeps skipping, wouldn't it put him back a grade? How would he feel about not graduating with his friends, or would he just dropout? What kind of influence are his friends?
At this point I would consider a residential treatment plan.
Wow, that is a much different scenario from the op where he was skipping a few classes. 3 years is a long time, too long and I can understand you being at your wits end and I would be also. If he keeps skipping, wouldn't it put him back a grade? How would he feel about not graduating with his friends, or would he just dropout? What kind of influence are his friends?
I really doubt that the threat of that would motivate him at all.
I don't know that he's so depressed that $ doesn't motivate him. He recently got caught at school selling home-made PB sandwiches...his second time getting caught. He was making good $ doing it, he'd make them in his room at night....since he got caught a second time, and 3days of ISS, he has stopped that.
He was very motivated then.
He is very social, is always out with friends, his phone rings often-friends calling him. All his teachers report to me (via email, we all talk often) that he is extremely chatty in class and doesn't remain in his seat. He has friends come over to work out in our garage on his new workout set, often. He is very interested in his muscles, he even takes vitamins.
I have no doubt that the mj is causing some of the problem. Part I think of the other problem is that I am almost 100% sure that he has signs of ODD. I look it up and he has like 5 out of the 7 signs of it.
His dad had the same type issue at the same age. Sneaking out, smoking, getting into trouble. I am also sure that part of it is genetic. It's surely NOT environmental. He has lived a fairly secure and very non-addictive-and consistent environment with me. I do have to add that I was too much of a 'micro-manager' of him. Don't know if that added to/caused the current problem.
I can't figure it out.
I called his GC this morning for some advice. Told him nothing is working. This is what he said to do:
'take away anything that matters to him' I told him I have done that, it doesn't work. Then he said 'well get rid of his cool clothes and buy him all nerdy and mismatched stuff, make him wear it.'
I don't know that he's so depressed that $ doesn't motivate him. He recently got caught at school selling home-made PB sandwiches...his second time getting caught. He was making good $ doing it, he'd make them in his room at night....since he got caught a second time, and 3days of ISS, he has stopped that.
He was very motivated then.
He is very social, is always out with friends, his phone rings often-friends calling him. All his teachers report to me (via email, we all talk often) that he is extremely chatty in class and doesn't remain in his seat. He has friends come over to work out in our garage on his new workout set, often. He is very interested in his muscles, he even takes vitamins.
I have no doubt that the mj is causing some of the problem. Part I think of the other problem is that I am almost 100% sure that he has signs of ODD. I look it up and he has like 5 out of the 7 signs of it.
His dad had the same type issue at the same age. Sneaking out, smoking, getting into trouble. I am also sure that part of it is genetic. It's surely NOT environmental. He has lived a fairly secure and very non-addictive-and consistent environment with me. I do have to add that I was too much of a 'micro-manager' of him. Don't know if that added to/caused the current problem.
I can't figure it out.
I called his GC this morning for some advice. Told him nothing is working. This is what he said to do:
'take away anything that matters to him' I told him I have done that, it doesn't work. Then he said 'well get rid of his cool clothes and buy him all nerdy and mismatched stuff, make him wear it.'
What do you think of THAT advice???
That seems like too little of a punishment for too big of an issue. He will also likely start borrowing his friends' clothes.
You have GOT to get him off the weed. As far as the Lexapro, did you notice the problems getting worse after he started it? I know you mentioned he is at least sometimes not taking it. But I don't think that pills are the best solution to this type of problem.
As I've said repeatedly, I think involving a juvenile probation department and/or court is the best way to go. You can regain some control FAST tonight by telling him to come directly home by XXX time. When he does not arrive, immediately call the police. He doesn't respect you as an authority figure at this point and doesn't think you have any kind of power or control over him.
I had this same problem with my son in hiis freshman year, at the time I was six months pregnant with my youngest child. I took a two week vacation and went to every class (except PE) with him, even ate with him in the cafeteria. I told his teachers the first day that I was there because Mike could not be trusted to go to school and could I have the desk behind him, please. Kept a pencil handy and bopped him in the head when he was goofing off. Walked the halls with him to his locker and told everyone that his big pregnant mom was there to ensure he went to school as at age 15 he could not be trusted. It worked. He graduated and that problem was solved, on to all the other ones he caused in my life. He never did straighten out until he became a father at age 37. If I had known becoming a father would work, I would have had him do it much sooner LOL!!!
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Husband had just had a back surgery 2wks prior!
Same problem, different kid
