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You could have gotten yourself thrown in jail for abandonment or failure to support.
That's one of the problems with raising a teenager, the law thinks they can do it better. Unless you are beating the kid with a 2 x 4 the law needs to stay out of it.
That seems like too little of a punishment for too big of an issue. He will also likely start borrowing his friends' clothes.
You have GOT to get him off the weed. As far as the Lexapro, did you notice the problems getting worse after he started it? I know you mentioned he is at least sometimes not taking it. But I don't think that pills are the best solution to this type of problem.
As I've said repeatedly, I think involving a juvenile probation department and/or court is the best way to go. You can regain some control FAST tonight by telling him to come directly home by XXX time. When he does not arrive, immediately call the police. He doesn't respect you as an authority figure at this point and doesn't think you have any kind of power or control over him.
Tell me about it. He does need to get off the mj. Only he won't. I could send him to a $400/day wilderness camp for 3 months and he'd come home and do it again.
He has no respect for the police either. He got caught with some other kids in the br of a clubhouse in an apt complex. My son said they called him in there to show him their mj 'pipe'. I myself, think they were going to smoke. The janitor walked in and all the boys ran out and away from him. He knew my son and somehow that we lived across the street.
Long story short, the cops were here and we began calling my son to 'get home now'. Even the cop got on the phone and said we need to talk to you. Well, did he take his time sweet time. He came waltzing down the street about 30+min later, when the complex is only like a 8min walk away.
Then, he had an attitude! Later all day he was bad-talking how cops think they are so bad. And blaming the incident on anything else possible...not acting like he learned a thing.
Ends up he got banned from going to that apt complex anymore.
Ok, so pretend he doesn't come home as asked and I call the police. What then? I don't even know where these so-called 'friends' live or their last names. They drive over here to get him, and pull around the corner. He has them do it on purpose cuz he doesn't want me talking to them.....so what then?
Maybe I am wrong here but I just don't see how that'll work. Except cause a scene for my nosy neighbors.
Oh and btw, you're right about the clothes, he'd just borrow his friends. That was my thought too.
Tell me about it. He does need to get off the mj. Only he won't. I could send him to a $400/day wilderness camp for 3 months and he'd come home and do it again.
He has no respect for the police either. He got caught with some other kids in the br of a clubhouse in an apt complex. My son said they called him in there to show him their mj 'pipe'. I myself, think they were going to smoke. The janitor walked in and all the boys ran out and away from him. He knew my son and somehow that we lived across the street.
Long story short, the cops were here and we began calling my son to 'get home now'. Even the cop got on the phone and said we need to talk to you. Well, did he take his time sweet time. He came waltzing down the street about 30+min later, when the complex is only like a 8min walk away.
Then, he had an attitude! Later all day he was bad-talking how cops think they are so bad. And blaming the incident on anything else possible...not acting like he learned a thing.
Ends up he got banned from going to that apt complex anymore.
Ok, so pretend he doesn't come home as asked and I call the police. What then? I don't even know where these so-called 'friends' live or their last names. They drive over here to get him, and pull around the corner. He has them do it on purpose cuz he doesn't want me talking to them.....so what then?
Maybe I am wrong here but I just don't see how that'll work. Except cause a scene for my nosy neighbors.
Oh and btw, you're right about the clothes, he'd just borrow his friends. That was my thought too.
Maybe I misread your posts, but I thought you said that he hadn't come home when asked several times and that he had snuck out several times. Regardless, if you started ordering him to be at home 24/7 except when he is in school, you could most certainly report him then if and when he did not come home or if and when he chose to leave.
You also said you talked to one of these friends' mothers. You know their phone number at least.
I think him being taken away in handcuffs and forced into a police car and a cell would be a huge wake up call for him. Huge.
Depending on your state laws and local police department, juvenile court, and juvenile probation department policies, I'm not sure if they would lock him up for truancy, running away, or violating your rules (he could certainly, however, be penalized with sanctions other than confinement for those things as well). But I am sure they would for marijuana possession or assault (did he actually assault your husband?).
This may be extremely hard for you, but I think it's necessary. If and when he became involved with a juvenile court, he would likely be placed on probation and drug tested. He'd also be ordered to comply with your rules as a condition of probation. You would then be able to report any violation and in that case a judge could order him incarcerated.
The only downside to juvenile probation would be that it could continue past his 18th birthday (until 19-21) depending on your state laws and that he would generally be required to live at home under your supervision as a condition of the probation and you couldn't kick him out even then. That said, you would still have a judge who could help you enforce your rules.
At the bare minimum, get the number for your county's juvenile probation department and give them a call. Speak to someone there about this situation. Tell them that this child is incorrigble, violent, on drugs, will not attend school, and does not respect your authority. Do this as soon as possible. You are kidding yourself if you think this is only about skipping class.
There's a reason they call it tough love. It's not for wimps.
Last edited by afoigrokerkok; 03-24-2009 at 12:00 PM..
Are these 'friends' his own age? Go to the school and inquire who he's associating with. If you are in communication with his teachers, they should be able to tell you.
If he leaves home against your wishes (stop giving him permission and do not push him out the door) call the cops. Find out what the current laws are. Call whatever family services you have in your region.
Explain to the responding officer what you've been dealing with, prior to the event, and what you are now facing - so they don't blow you off. EVERYTHING. If the authorities are made fully aware of your situation they might be able to recommend a program, but you have to take that step. NOW. Set the stage.
Not trying to be harsh, but just sitting there wringing your hands and pondering maybes will not straighten him out. It'll only make you grayer and buy him more play time.
You are in for a rough ride. (My mother was ready to kill me. "I brought you in, I can take you out..." That's a quote.)
If he's smoking dope, that may not be all there is going on with his friends...that's just the easiest sin to cop to. And yes, though traitorous, his 'friends' play a huge role in reaffirming his behavior. Some might be real. Some might be there for the game. Find out who they are. Then find out who their parents are. The adults who lack a responsible concern may be of no service, but at least you would know where they live.
afoigrokerkok - I don't know what your experiences were, but being arrested was never a threat to me...sub-stations and detention center was no big deal. Handcuffs...they even cuffed my ankles once because I was being a bit of a brat, eh, resisting. "Safety precautions." The officers were always so nice to me (even that night) that it wasn't a punishment. Really - let me smoke in the car, had decent conversations...all seems a bit warped now.
Did not care what the neighbors thought. I had no shame.
It was not until they said, that's it, kid...you've pushed it too far - one more step and you stay behind bars that I figured I needed to get my act together. And it wasn't overnight. We are talking about literally changing someone's mind.
I still had many of the same friends afterword, was no saint, but I had decided to practice a better amount of self-control. Less impulse, more wisdom. Did not matter any more what anyone else was going to do...I'd grown out of it. The thrill was gone.
Instead of guising myself as 'grown-up', I'd begun to take the steps bringing me closer to the adult.
Kids.
Now I am a parent, already preparing myself...I figure I have 7-8 years before I need to plant cactus under the windows. ;)
He doesn't ever just disappear for the night or days at a time. He does spend a lot of time at his friends house though.
He has therapy tomorrow. I just called him and he said he'll be here for it.
He is just impossible. Nothing I do or say works with him. Short of paying for him to go a wilderness camp, I have done everything I can.
His main problem is the mj and skipping school. And his temper which only flares when he is confronted or seriously questioned, backed into a corner.
He's basically impossible.
He is supposed to touch base via telephone with his virtual spanish online class-spanish 2 teacher, she gave him explicit instructions last Thursday when we were all 3 on the phone with her....'call me on Tuesday'.
So, I just reminded him that he needs to call her. Since he doesn't feel like it, he blows it off and says that she never said that...and that he's not going to call her-that as long as he did the online assignments that he was supposed to have done, that's all he's doing.
I told him he's wrong, and that she DID say to call her today. When he again said 'no, no she didn't'. I hung up, I am extremely frustrated.
I appreciate all the help here. Thank you.
Isn't tough love letting them falter and learn by their own mistakes? That is my understanding anyway. Perhaps, I am confused.
I did read the book Tough Love recently and per the PDAP-Palmer Drug Abuse Program-they encourage you to 'let them go' and learn on their own.....
There is so much more you can do and whether you realize it or not your actions have actually been enabling him to do what he does.
What I mean by that is you are not taking any real action to rectify the situation, instead you are letting him have all the control and just giving up on being a parent.
You are telling him to go to school and then dropping him off where he now has the choice as to whether to go or not.
*You should be driving him yourself and then taking him in the building and placing him in the company of an administrator.
You are waiting to get a phone call to see if he's stayed in school.
*You should be calling the school each period to make sure he is there and even going to school and personally checking on him in class.
You are telling him to be home at a certain time.
*You should be picking him up directly from school and bringing him home yourself.
You don't know who his friends are or where he is going and he doesn't come home after being with them.
*He shouldn't be going anywhere other than school or home right now. Period.
You tell him not to smoke pot.
*You should be administering home drug tests with consequences for any positives.
You tell him to come home and listen to the cops.
*You should have gone immediately and brought him home yourself.
It's all about the actions that need to be taken, not about vocal orders.
You shouldn't watch a baby crawl towards a busy street and simply tell them not to go there.
You should pick them up and keep them safe.
You shouldn't see a toddler reaching for the handle of a pot of boiling water and only tell them that they better not touch that.
You should physically remove them from the kitchen and move the handle out of their reach.
You shouldn't take a young child to the park and tell them to check in with you in an hour while you sat in the car.
You should be in the park with them playing and helping them learn how to be safe.
Those things are because you KNOW they don't have the experience nor the ability to make those kinds of decisions safely. Your son has proven that he does not have the experience nor the ability to make good decisions either, so you need to take control of the situation.
To do otherwise just shows you have given up on being a parent. That is the biggest mistake you could ever choose to make. Don't give up on your child....he needs you.
As a high school teacher, I have seen many parents deal with the same problem. I have seen several parents do this and it works: Take the day off work and go to school with him. Sit in every class. One parent had her daughter wear a sign that said her "mommy was going to class with her because she didn't know how to go to class on her own". As I recall, the mom was wearing curlers in her hair and holding her daughter's hand. Embarrassment works. The kid's friends tease him/her. Threaten to do it every time you get a call from the school. Whatever you threaten, you have to carry out. If he sees that you don't carry through with what you say, he won't do anything you ask.
The police have alot better things to do that keepup with some kid that wouldn't olsten or mind his parents.I would start calling the school and check if he showed up and then ask to speak to the truent officer. Report him and its their job. If this is a problem that started suddenly you might think about such a change ahving to do with drugs which is often the case but not always. He is truent ;not a runaway from what you describe.Most juvenile laws about this really don't actaully do anythng because its a civil law not criminal.
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And blaming the incident on anything else possible...not acting like he learned a thing. 
