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I don't think bringing him home is the solution. Because all you're doing is bringing him back into the womb, so to speak, allowing him a place to hang out, watch tv, and whatever else until, by some miracle, he gets his act together.
This doesn't fix the problem. It merely avoids it.
He's already thought of the military as a solution. That tells me that he needs structure and somebody really pushing him along. They'll give him three hots and a cot, valuable skills, money for college, and heaping helpings of tough love.
I wouldn't hesitate. I'd march him into the recruiting office tomorrow. They'll make a man out of him.
I should be clear that i am not his parent. I am a family member in my mid 20s who has a good relationship with him.
His parents divorced as he was moving away to go to college. Then they each moved to a different state... His parents do not have any money. he went to college for a semester, and then dropped out and lived with his girlfriend for a while.
He is not a violent guy at all and doesnt have any drug problems.
Ok, first good for you for your interest. You are a young adult so some of us oldie parent veterans might be a little hard on you. I would if I were you contact his parents repeatedly and tell them just what you are telling us. Tell them that he is practically homeless. That he needs a parent. Maybe they will stop thinking about their animosity towards each other and take an interest in him. Good luck, really the military is not for someone without direction. It is hard hard duty for someone who really wants it. Let him ask for help if you do not want to talk to the parents. The advice for setting out a plan was on spot. Good luck!
No offense...but I strongly disagree with the posters who have suggested the military. He could come home in a bodybag or develop severe mental or physical problems that last a lifetime. If he has a history with drugs, it could become worse.
The right thing to do would be to give him some adult supervision with strict rules and structure. If he failed out of college, get him a job working 40+ hours a week doing some type of manual labor. It may motivate him to get back in school and take it more seriously.
No offense...but I strongly disagree with the posters who have suggested the military. He could come home in a bodybag or develop severe mental or physical problems that last a lifetime. If he has a history with drugs, it could become worse.
The right thing to do would be to give him some adult supervision with strict rules and structure. If he failed out of college, get him a job working 40+ hours a week doing some type of manual labor. It may motivate him to get back in school and take it more seriously.
Agreed, I think it is utterly stupid to say he needs to go into the military. I am around vets all day and none of them have good things to say. A bunch of 20 something limping around and cannot get help. Why would anybody wish that on someone?
Like I said Americorps program or something similar they give money for school no need to blow ones self up.
I started to post my opinion but then deleted it......I cant imagine that the military has anything to offer him....and I am certain that he has nothing to offer to the military. Talk about "dont ask don't tell" Don't tell your comerades in arms that you have failed to meet any expectation you have encountered and that you have never fulfilled even the minimal requirement of adulthood....and that you have a criminal history.... and that you are enlisting rather than admit total failure and move back in with your mother. Please the military isnt a habilitation program nor is this young man a person who others can depend on in life and death situations.....we are not talking about cannon fodder....we are talking about lives.
Agreed, I think it is utterly stupid to say he needs to go into the military. I am around vets all day and none of them have good things to say. A bunch of 20 something limping around and cannot get help. Why would anybody wish that on someone?
Like I said Americorps program or something similar they give money for school no need to blow ones self up.
What about Job Corps? I have only read about it, but it sounds neat.
I'll start by saying that I haven't read all the posts here. The military is probably his best bet.
Job Corps... unless you have NO OTHER OPTIONS is NOT "neat". It is a nice idea, but horrible in reality.
We recently took in my 17 year old second cousin. I called him my nephew. Horrible home life growing up. Parents are worthless. Grandparents enabled their children and then him. He said he was serious about becoming a good person, working for a living, getting his GED, etc. Said all the right things.
It took 3 months for him to break all the rules beyond what could be tolerated (stealing, lying, drugs, smoking inside, laziness/not studying, porn, etc). Within 24 hours of being out of our home, his checking acct (2 days after payday) was $100 overdrawn. It's been 3 1/2 weeks. He now owes the bank over $600 and at least 5 local businesses for his bounced checks. The people he moved in with when we gave him the choice to "come clean or get out" have since realized that we are not, nor any of the other people who he has burned his bridges with, evil people and have since kicked him out. He lost both of his part time jobs. When he moved in here, he had a bench warrant out in one state. Now, there are 3 states looking for him. All of it stupid, petty stuff. All of it avoidable if he had chosen to stay here and do the right thing.
Save yourself the heartache and let his rock bottom find him NOW while he's 19 rather than 30.
What about Job Corps? I have only read about it, but it sounds neat.
I'll start by saying that I haven't read all the posts here. The military is probably his best bet.
Job Corps... unless you have NO OTHER OPTIONS is NOT "neat". It is a nice idea, but horrible in reality.
We recently took in my 17 year old second cousin. I called him my nephew. Horrible home life growing up. Parents are worthless. Grandparents enabled their children and then him. He said he was serious about becoming a good person, working for a living, getting his GED, etc. Said all the right things.
It took 3 months for him to break all the rules beyond what could be tolerated (stealing, lying, drugs, smoking inside, laziness/not studying, porn, etc). Within 24 hours of being out of our home, his checking acct (2 days after payday) was $100 overdrawn. It's been 3 1/2 weeks. He now owes the bank over $600 and at least 5 local businesses for his bounced checks. The people he moved in with when we gave him the choice to "come clean or get out" have since realized that we are not, nor any of the other people who he has burned his bridges with, evil people and have since kicked him out. He lost both of his part time jobs. When he moved in here, he had a bench warrant out in one state. Now, there are 3 states looking for him. All of it stupid, petty stuff. All of it avoidable if he had chosen to stay here and do the right thing.
Save yourself the heartache and let his rock bottom find him NOW while he's 19 rather than 30.
I don't understand how is jobcorp bad
Quote:
Originally Posted by stormy night
You're right. The military only needs real men.
because their are vets injured, have psd and struggling to get by that means they are not real men?
What about Job Corps? I have only read about it, but it sounds neat.
I'll start by saying that I haven't read all the posts here. The military is probably his best bet.
Job Corps... unless you have NO OTHER OPTIONS is NOT "neat". It is a nice idea, but horrible in reality.
We recently took in my 17 year old second cousin. I called him my nephew. Horrible home life growing up. Parents are worthless. Grandparents enabled their children and then him. He said he was serious about becoming a good person, working for a living, getting his GED, etc. Said all the right things.
It took 3 months for him to break all the rules beyond what could be tolerated (stealing, lying, drugs, smoking inside, laziness/not studying, porn, etc). Within 24 hours of being out of our home, his checking acct (2 days after payday) was $100 overdrawn. It's been 3 1/2 weeks. He now owes the bank over $600 and at least 5 local businesses for his bounced checks. The people he moved in with when we gave him the choice to "come clean or get out" have since realized that we are not, nor any of the other people who he has burned his bridges with, evil people and have since kicked him out. He lost both of his part time jobs. When he moved in here, he had a bench warrant out in one state. Now, there are 3 states looking for him. All of it stupid, petty stuff. All of it avoidable if he had chosen to stay here and do the right thing.
Save yourself the heartache and let his rock bottom find him NOW while he's 19 rather than 30.
I'm sorry to hear about this ordeal with your second cousin/"nephew." I'm curious as to why you think the military helps young men in trouble. It may, in some cases, but there is far too much of a risk involved. And it certainly doesn't work miracles the way many think it does.
If the young man the OP was referring to is depressed (which I think he very clearly is), I think the military will likely make him worse...the stress might even push him over the edge to suicide. I can't even begin to describe the risk to others. A mentally unstable person does not need to have so much power to make life/death decisions involving other human beings.
He also has a history with pot and the military seems to make alcohol and drug problems worse, not better.
After rereading this (I mean OP's situation...not yours sskkc), I have two thoughts:
1. His parents have recently divorced...apparently suddenly after he left for college. This indicates to me that his parents may have purposefully postponed the divorce until after their son left, under the false assumption that it was in his best interests. This likely means there were years of an unhappy marriage with fighting that this kid was in the middle of.
2. The parents' divorce may itself have added to the depression and taken away from the young man's motivation. You'd think that he might have been happy they were finally divorced if they had been fighting all the time, but that's simply not the way it works. It is still traumatic for the child, and it's probably even more traumatic if it's immediately after the kid leaves home than it would have been if it was before.
I think this kid needs his parents in his life terribly. They need to stop the fighting and hating each other so much and work to help their son and show that they actually love him. One of them needs to provide some stability for him for the first time in a long time.
I simply don't think the divorce is unrelated to the young man's problems. I vote for bringing him home even more and to try to provide a stable, caring environment...something he has probably not experienced in years. The parents neglected their duty to provide that environment while he was younger and they need to see the consequences of that and do everything they can to fix it now.
I should add...this "caring environment" certainly does not mean one with no rules and I still suggest everything I said earlier regarding the job.
Last edited by afoigrokerkok; 03-26-2009 at 09:45 PM..
Agreed, I think it is utterly stupid to say he needs to go into the military. I am around vets all day and none of them have good things to say. A bunch of 20 something limping around and cannot get help. Why would anybody wish that on someone?
Like I said Americorps program or something similar they give money for school no need to blow ones self up.
Well, I did 24 years in the USAF. I retired last summer and I have good things to say. My son is in the USAF right now stationed in England. Not all military people are messed up like you and others in this thread think.
I suggested the Army because the USAF doesn't give criminal waivers.
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I would if I were you contact his parents repeatedly and tell them just what you are telling us. Tell them that he is practically homeless. That he needs a parent. Maybe they will stop thinking about their animosity towards each other and take an interest in him. Good luck, really the military is not for someone without direction. It is hard hard duty for someone who really wants it. Let him ask for help if you do not want to talk to the parents. The advice for setting out a plan was on spot. Good luck!
