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I have 3 sons, a 22 year old and 19 year old twins. I was always very strict since they were little kids when it came to politeness. I've always expected them to have impeccable manners, no answering back as teens, always deferring to their superiors and no less than top grades at school. I spanked them whenever I though it was necessary and contrary to modern parenting, I think spanking is a very effective method. One day one of the twins wouldn't stop putting his fingers in his mouth while eating, he was about 4. A single slap in the face and he never did it again.
Besides, their mother and both grandmothers babied them a lot and were far too tolerant with them. Therefore, there had to be someone to show them some discipline.
One of the twins had a car crash a few weeks ago. He was returning home with a couple of friends, it was raining and the car fell down a hill into a small creek. The police was called but couldn't find them. We had to wait 6 hours until they managed to get back up (it was during the night).
At Christmas, I overheard a conversation between him and his grandmother. She was telling him how his mother cried throughout the whole time we didn't know about him and he could never imagine how much everyone was worried. And she said "Your father as well, of course". And my son rolled his eyes and said "My father has ice in his veins, he couldn't care less if I came back up in a coffin."
I mean, that struck me. Does he truly think that's how I am? I never expected to hear such a thing.
One can have high expectations for their children and still show love and caring. When was the last time you told any of your sons you were proud of them, gave them a hug, or just said "I love you." Perhaps it's time to start.
Did they ever see any side of you other than the disciplinarian? Any hugs? laughter? just you and them doing something fun? band aids on a scraped knee? Or did you tend to step back and let others do the day to day things unless they were doing something you perceived as wrong? How many happy childhood memories do they have of you?
My dad was strict too while were we growing up. However, when he died and all of us were asked to talk about memories from our childhood, we were all flooded with memories of good times with him.
How would we know if that's how he truly thinks you are? He's your son. How about you have a conversation with him and ask him. Or will he be too scared of you to tell the truth?
You slapped him at 4 because he put his fingers in his mouth? My kids are 4 and 5 and I have never slapped them in the face for doing something I didn't like.
What else did you do to them over the years? I wouldn't doubt that's what he really thinks of you. Now that you know start taking steps to correct it.
The fact that the OP continually reinvents himself only to post versions of the very same question again and again regarding strict, emotionally absent father and any affection at all being a feminine trait coming from his mother or the mother of his son(s) tells me this poster and his posts might be better suited to the mental health forum than the parenting forum.
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