Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It's like this... my kids, 3 and 13 ALWAYS come first, this means if hubby and I are talking and my 3 year old wants something, I get it for her, if my 13 year old has a question about her homework, I tend to her.
Your 13 year old should be able to wait for your conversation to end (or come to a place where you can take a break). Your 3 year old is just about old enough to start to learn this as well. How will they ever learn that the world truly does not revolve around them and that they need to respect the needs of other people if you refuse to teach them that by respecting yourself?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inglewood gal
My hubby can wipe his own bottom, get his own drinks, food, etc., my 3 year old can't. It is my duty/responsibility as a parent to care for my children in their time of need.
That's just parenting. Of course you wipe your preschooler's butt. Nobody is suggesting that you neglect your children to pursue your own interests, simply that you are not selfish for taking SOME time to pursue your own interests.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inglewood gal
Neither asked to come into this world, I brought them into this world and they will always come first.
Always? So when they are 40 you will still put them first? That's just weird. I am 43 and would never in a million years suggest to my parents that they drop what they are doing so they can put me on a pedestal.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inglewood gal
I am their guardian and protector, my husband is old enough and does not require the same needs as my kids.
No he does not have the same needs as your children, but he does have SOME needs. IMO it is morally wrong for him to have to go long periods of time without having his needs met. He is the father of your children and is entitled to be a happy, well adjusted person. Becoming a father does mean that he has to make some changes to his life, but it should not mean that he needs to be unhappy all the time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inglewood gal
Neither of my kids are spoiled, both are very kind and polite and it's not an act. I have had the parents of my daughters friends make the comment they wish they could trade children, as my 13 year old is such a different 13 year old. Making my children my number one priority does not mean they are spoiled.
I am sure your kids are great. I do think you do your kids an injustice by always putting them first but I am sure they are lovely.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inglewood gal
I lost a job recently because my youngest daughter was sick, she has asthma. I had exhausted all my sick days and was going to be reprimended if I missed another day of work. Ya know what, they can take that job and shove it. Even during this horrible economy, despite the lack of jobs, no employer will can make me choose between my job and my kids, and if they do, my kids trumph the job.
I agree with this. You do need to be the one to care for your child's health and there is no job that would make me sacrifice the health of one of my children. I hope you get her asthma under control. Asthma is scary. My oldest had pretty frequent asthma when he was younger. It has been under control for quite a few years now but I remember how scary it was when he had trouble breathing.
My 13 year old doesn't inturrupt me when I am talking, she waits for a break in the conversation, it is then I go to help her. She understands the world doesn't revolve around her, she has been taught this, she has been taught to respect everyone. Making your children your number one priority does not produce disrespectful children who think the world revolves around them. As for my 3 year old, how in this world can she be at an age to not be totally and fully dependant on her mom and dad. Sure she gets her own drinks out the fridge, she knows which drawer is hers, but she asks permission first, she doesn't just go get what she wants.
Yes, when she is 40, she will still be my first priority, she is my daughter. It's not about putting your child on a pedestal, it's about being there for the child you brought into this world.
Yes my husband has needs, we all do and his needs are met and in a timly fashion, but I do not make it a point to make sure his needs are met before my kids needs are met. At dinner time, the kids are served first, then my husband. He has never gone long periods of times and not has his needs met, mainly because he is an adult and can meet his own needs if I am preoccupied with the kids. Making your kids a prioroty does not mean you are ignoring the needs of your spouse, but the spouse is an adult and can fulfill his own needs while one of my kids can't. I want my kids to grow up knowing that they are number one in my life, I want them to know that I will always be there for them, I can not even fathom the thought of telling my 13 year old that she is not my top priority. Honestly, how do you think a child would feel being told they are not your top priority? I would think it would be almost devestating, had my mom told me that I wasn't first in her life during my childhood years, I would almost feel as if I was unloved. IMO. It's not just becoming a mother/father that means you have to make some sacrifices, it's becoming an adult that you also learn to make sacrifices.
How is it an injustice to make sure your children come first? I am talking from the moment they are born until they are at the age to be totally independant. How does making your children your top priority do them an injustice?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear
Your 13 year old should be able to wait for your conversation to end (or come to a place where you can take a break). Your 3 year old is just about old enough to start to learn this as well. How will they ever learn that the world truly does not revolve around them and that they need to respect the needs of other people if you refuse to teach them that by respecting yourself?
That's just parenting. Of course you wipe your preschooler's butt. Nobody is suggesting that you neglect your children to pursue your own interests, simply that you are not selfish for taking SOME time to pursue your own interests.
Always? So when they are 40 you will still put them first? That's just weird. I am 43 and would never in a million years suggest to my parents that they drop what they are doing so they can put me on a pedestal.
No he does not have the same needs as your children, but he does have SOME needs. IMO it is morally wrong for him to have to go long periods of time without having his needs met. He is the father of your children and is entitled to be a happy, well adjusted person. Becoming a father does mean that he has to make some changes to his life, but it should not mean that he needs to be unhappy all the time.
I am sure your kids are great. I do think you do your kids an injustice by always putting them first but I am sure they are lovely.
I agree with this. You do need to be the one to care for your child's health and there is no job that would make me sacrifice the health of one of my children. I hope you get her asthma under control. Asthma is scary. My oldest had pretty frequent asthma when he was younger. It has been under control for quite a few years now but I remember how scary it was when he had trouble breathing.
Here's the deal. I spent today feeling bad that I was kinda snippy in my remarks this morning. Then I come home and reread the posts so that I could think about where you are coming from. What I keep coming back to is you have presented yourself as a caring and responsible parent who is concerned about a co-workers family. That may be the case - but I gotta say I see some things here that give me pause.,...In your OP you state that you are SURROUNDED by these selfish parents who constantly put themselves first. And how do you know this? You overhear their converstation at work and they "admit" to working out if the baby wakes up...We all have said we know a few selfish parents but when a person is "surrounded" by them...well...?
There is another co-worker who I happen to know on a personal level as well as a professional level that is almost as bad as the co-worker I keep referring to. However, the co-worker I keep referring too is much worse and it's unbelievable the things he does and tells me.
Then you mention that not only are they selfish but "holier than thou" - Honestly, you sound pretty "holy" in your attitude.
You go on to chastise posters for taking/practicing voice lessons not knowing one thing about that posters situation. And, this is the one that got to me - sorry, apparently SAH parents can take a bit of time to themselves or pursue an interest because they are spending "enough" time with their kids but a working parent shouldn't.
I did not chastise that poster for taking voice lessons at all.
Many families have 2 working parents and are able to schedule their days to minimize daycare. Um again, in order to parent, a person should have a healthy, well balanced life. Several posters have commented on this and just when things start to quiet down you come back with some inflammatory statement judging someone's choices. You came back to me with some sort of tentative "approval" about my families time because apparently it was morally OK to spend that time away since we were "bettering" our family through education. I have news for you. Yes, we were but the baby couldn't discern that. Time away is time away.
Time away is time away, but the reasons for this time away vary. Some are for the benefit of the whole family, and some are for the benefit of oneself. I guarantee your child would have rather had you home than away from them. Sometimes its worthy of being away (like going to school, work, etc.) and sometimes it's not worthy of being away (drinking with friends, working out, etc.). As I said earlier, we don't get enough time to spend with our kids as it is. Why take the little time available away from them when you can do it when they are sleeping? Once again, I'm not saying once in a while is a bad thing, but 2-3 times a week I think is too much and unfair to your child. Trust me, they want you home.
Just because it was more morally palatable to you somehow makes it OK? I applaud that you are taking your parenting responsibilities seriously, I really do. Perhaps your "co-worker" is a selfish parent, I have no idea.
Oh, he is. Trust me.
But you might want to consider you don't know everything that goes on in everyone's life. People make the choices they do for all kinds of different reasons.
Trust me, I don't automatically assume people are selfish if they are out at the gym or a bar at 7pm if they have kids at home. I realize there may just be further circumstances that allowed them to do it. My "target" is people who do it constantly, such as my co-workers.
Most families that I know, are doing the best they can, making the choices they believe are the best for their situation - even if I don't make those same choices. I have also found that over the years, people really surprise you. Many people who you wouldn't imagine it, turn out to be excellent parents. Some people are better at different stages - I know people who aren't really "baby" people but are super parents of teenagers; I also know people who were all about the babies and once they weren't so obviously needed, got bored with the parenting thing. If you are a parent, you need to be in it for the long haul -which means putting your family first - that includes you, your spouse, your children and the entity. I honestly mean this when I say, perhaps you should stress yourself less and not spend all this energy worrying about all these selfish people surrounding you - especially the one that you know an awful lot about.
You're right. However, it's thrown in my face every day. You have one of those annoying co-workers that are on the phone all day and talk loud? He's one. Trust me, this guy is your worst nightmare in terms of office etiquette, but that's another story. I'll even admit, I'm jealous sometimes that he can do these things without a care in the world. Did I mention he planned a vacation for himself without his kids????
Perhaps you're really complaining about a spouse? IDK. Either that or you're stalking the guy - and if he works the same time as you do (since you seem to overhear about his life so much) - what work do you do that you can be posting on C-D during the workday? Good thing I can't do that - I'd never get work done! Sorry the post is so long.....
No. My wife is perfect thankfully. It may sound like I'm stalking the guy, but if anything, I am trying to avoid him.
I realize the point you are trying to make is that things aren't always how they seem to be and I agree. Perhaps I should have named my post "Selfish ParenT". I just wanted to open this up to people who may share the same experience as I. I didn't want it to come out that I think I'm such a great dad and these types of people aren't. If it came out that way, I apologize. I am not a perfect parent in any way.
We must be reading a different thread. I sure didn't get the vibe you did. I am not going to re-read all the posts but I thought the OP was just using his co-worker as an example of a selfish parent. I also thought the OP said the co-worker was telling all the things he said to him directly not that he was eavesdropping.
Thanks.
My wish is that everyone would hear what this guy says and does. I swear on my life he's a different breed of cat. Why the heck would he tell me these things?????
maciesmom-
I feel a little of the same weirdness from the OP's comments as well. I can't quite put my finger on what makes it feel so indefensible, other than its seems like its a cattle call to all pile on and gripe about parents we love to hate. I don't know if the OP is trolling, or is a genuine caring person. I also don't personally know the coworkers in question, so its hard to "confirm" the diagnosis. Anyway - nothing against the OP - but just wanted totell maciesmom I don't think she's nuts, either.
No offense taken, and I don't think maciesmom is nuts either.
I understand it may be hard to grasp since you guys don't see or hear what I do. Plus, you hear my side of the story and not his. But trust me, this dude is totally off the board. He's a nice guy, but just a big selfish hypocrite. I'm glad I brought this topic up though since I hear points from other people regarding this issue and a lot of them are fair points too.
My ex husband was extremely selfish and neglected his kids to the point that he has no relationship with them now that they're grown and he was anything but Christian or religious. Quite the opposite. I don't see what Christianity has to do with it or why that was brought into it.
My co-worker wears his religion on his sleeve. He quotes the bible at times and mentions Jesus every day. It doesn't offend me one bit, but it does others. My point is for someone who is so Christian, he doesn't practice what he preaches. He rails on about how kids today have no morals, ethics, etc. and blames the liberals of the country for this decline. Meanwhile, he acts pretty selfishly by putting himself before his kids most of the time (which is un-Chrisitan if you ask me)and he has been called out on it.
It's not just becoming a mother/father that means you have to make some sacrifices, it's becoming an adult that you also learn to make sacrifices.
This is true. Adults do need to make sacrifices. Nobody is suggesting that parents just do whatever they want, whenever they want, with no regard for what their kids need. However, if one is to learn to make sacrifices for other people one must be brought up in an environment where everyone in the family is expected to make sacrifices, not just the adults.
I think the problem that some people have with this idea is that they think of it as an "all or nothing" proposition. Either your children are the #1 priority all the time, or they don't factor in at all. What I am proposing is a middle ground where the kids are a high priority, but not always number 1.
I think it's perfectly acceptable for me to tell them that they have to limit some of the things they want to do so that I can do some of the things I want to do. That is how they will learn to make choices. It also teaches them that there are other people in the world who matter, it's not just all about them all the time. I sing. My husband plays golf/tennis. We don't spend all of our time doing these things but we do allot some time in our busy lives for ourselves.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inglewood gal
How is it an injustice to make sure your children come first? I am talking from the moment they are born until they are at the age to be totally independant. How does making your children your top priority do them an injustice?
It does them an injustice because they do not learn how to prioritize. They think they are always #1. You can be a supporter of your children throughout their lifetime and still allow yourself to have some time to pursue your own interests. Like I said above, it's not an all or nothing proposition.
An example-I have suffered from stagefright which has kept me from performing. I finally decided to do something about it and finish my music education degree which required me to present a recital. My kids had lacrosse games on the Saturday of my recital. It was my first one and it allowed me to finish the professional degree that I had worked on for four years. It was a really big deal to me. They could have gotten rides to their games but they recognized that my recital was a really big deal to me and I was the number one priority in our family on that day. IMO kids need to learn stuff like that and by making them #1 all the time they never have an opportunity to learn it.
That said, kids need your time and attention and as a parent you have to give them ENOUGH time and attention but you do not have to give them ALL your time and ALL your attention.
I think it's important to put one's partner's needs first, the husband/wife relationship is the basis for the family. If that relationship isn't nurtured and taken care of, the family will suffer. Does that mean they should jet off every weekend for a romantic get away? No. But it does mean that parents should have some time alone at the end of the day, that a locked bedroom door means 'go away' and that kids should have jobs at home so that parents aren't their servants. By jobs, I mean setting the table, emptying the dishwasher, cutting the grass, taking out the trash, etc.
Obviously, the meaning of the words COMMON SENSE & MODERATION are completely irreveland to some who pick & chose parts of posts to read.
Not talking about sex lives or children with disabilities...doesn't go in line with the COMMON SENSE & MODERATION of parenting thing I am trying to discuss. And I specifically stated that if the kids were having a rough night or rough time...we stop what we are doing & take care of them...aka the flu or rotavirus or RSV or bumps or scraps or ER visist or no sleep night....the list goes on. Sorry I wasn't perfectly specific. Since so many things go on with kids at any moment, didn't think a list was necessary.
My husband & I have "sacrificed" many things. We don't keep tally, so to us, it's not sacrifice. But we take care of one another.
Not saying to put your marriage at the expense of your children.
Actually, we put a weekend on hold, not once, not twice, but 4 times & the weekend that was scheduled for SEPT occured in MARCH. No biggie to us. But we still made sure it happened. And from Sept to March, we didn't even go out to dinner alone b/c of just everything under the sun happening when we did make plans, to include our wedding anniversary. And when we did go away for about 36 hours in March, we enjoyed every single minute & just laughed & had a nice time sitting at the table & not cutting up food in bit size pieces. We got home & hugged our kids & went for a walk & listened to our 3yr old tell us how he made pancakes with grandpa. Doesn't sound like neglect to me.
RESPECT your marriage. RESPECT your children. If you are respecting your children (AGAIN, COMMON SENSE & MODERATION) before your husband/wife/partner...you are not helping anyone.
Common sense & moderation...it's well defined in the dictionary if one doesn't know what it means.
Common sense and moderation! I couln't have agreed with you more!
For most, it's either SUPER PARENT or SUPER ME. How about something in between built upon a great marriage. Because having a loving supporting spouse is having a loving supportive family unit. Kids won't always appreciate all the activities, but they will remember how to live in a loving peaceful home. Moderation, indeed!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
and that kids should have jobs at home so that parents aren't their servants. By jobs, I mean setting the table, emptying the dishwasher, cutting the grass, taking out the trash, etc.
