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This thread had me thinking last night. My oldest is within months of the same age as the OPs. He got a Nintendo DS (handheld game) for his 9th birthday. He keeps it in his room but asks permission to use it. Partly because he gets it taken away as punishment sometimes and I think he is not sure if he has it back yet, but partly because when my kids want to play a console video game (we have an old Game Cube and just got a Wii for Christmas for the living room) they have to get permission. So its habit for them to ask permission to use electronics.
We have an old tv and vcr that they are allowed to use on weekend mornings without asking, but any other time they have to check in first (so I can make sure homework, chores, etc. are done).
Am I seriously old-fashioned? The behavior described by the 10yo in the beginning of the thread sounds more like a 13 yr old to me.
When a kid steals he is telling you that he's not getting enough of something, love, attention, guidance, stability, nurturing...
Search your conscience, try to find some objectivity, and ask yourself, If this is in fact a cry for help, what is this kid, my kid deprived of? Err on the side of understanding, on his side. He is after all, part of you.
To add a response to everybody that is telling you to take this and that, to cut this and that privilege, I would suggest that the opposite may be true. How 'bout a radical cure: Shower him with things, gifts both tangible and intangible.
The above post is OBVIOUSLY from someone without kids.
I haven't read this entire thread. From my point of view, after the first page it became obvious.
Take away and SELL the video game- whatever $$ he receives can go toward paying you back. I'd charge him the actual dollar amount plus punitive restitution... in exchange for you NOT reporting this to the police. Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
If he wants another one, he can pay for it himself.
I DO have children. The purpose of childhood is to teach children to be responsible members of society.
To EXPIT... perhaps you should throw your suggestions about extra hugs and gifts to the victims of Madoff. Perhaps instead of punishing him from stealing from others, society should give him some extra hugs... oh wait... the other convicts will give him plenty of those.
What is really boils down to is a couple of things.
He's testing you....it's perfectly normal. No need to look for hidden psycho mumbo jumbo. You've decided to handle it quickly. And you allowed yourself to cool down before acting....man, at our house the waiting for the decision was part of the punishment.
Kudos to you.
At his age...granted he knows that he didn't have permission to do what he did, but I bet you dollars to donuts he didn't comprehend the $$ part of it. He just got carried away.
Does that mean it's ok?? Of course not, but it's a lesson.
Don't hold it over his head, but be sure he knows why he's not getting an Easter basket, or goodies whatever you usually do.
That right there would be the hardest part for me...but I've had to do this too and it never gets easier.
It really sound like you've got a good kid there and I think you're on the right track to keep him there.
Good Luck and a big ol cyber ((((((((HUG))))))) to you.
He's testing you....it's perfectly normal. No need to look for hidden psycho mumbo jumbo. You've decided to handle it quickly. And you allowed yourself to cool down before acting....man, at our house the waiting for the decision was part of the punishment.
Very well put! There definitely needs to be a consequence for his action, I think mainly because he did it again after being told not to. But, yes, all kids will do wrong from time to time, and there is no reason to start looking for psychological reasons! This is basically an oportunity to show a normal child that what he has done is not right and will not be tolerated. It's time to "pass the test"!
I bet the OP had no idea what she started with this post! When I posted on it yesterday, six other people had already posted before I even finish mine!!
I agree he wasn't given permission for the last one, though it could also be said that he wasn't told no either since she said let me think about it. Though that's neither here nor there.
So, what if he said, "Mom can I have $15 (in cash)" to which the mother replied, "I''l think about it" ? Then he proceeded to take the money from her wallet or another place where she kept her cash, would it be stealing then? The fact that it is a debit card and "virtual money" means nothing to me. Taking something without permission is stealling. "I'll think about it" does NOT mean go ahead and take it. At least that's what I was taught growing up.
I am trying to be rational here, because otherwise I will ground him until he is 18. A bit of background: Back in February, when I got my desperately needed tax refund, I loaded my debit card info into my son's XBox so he could buy points to download an add-on for a game. That was the end of it. At some point in early March, over the course of 2 or 3 days, I had multiple charges for downloaded content on XBox, iTunes, and our PS3. (I previously had my debit info on the other machines for my use.)By the time it was done he had "stolen" $124.25 from me via my debit card. I grounded him for 2 weeks from playing any electronic device that was connected to the internet. Re-payment issues still need to be resolved. Well this morning I got up and he is playing a game on his XBox, online, and I heard him talking to his friends about a download that was released today. He asked me 2 days ago if I would get it for him and my response was that I would think about it. He apparently went ahead and downloaded it. I checked my bank account and sure enough, there's a debit from Microsoft. He will be 11 in July and I am sure he knows better. He absolutely knew it was wrong but did it anyway. What would you do and what do you think is appropriate punishment? (No need to tell me to remove my bank info from the XBox - I've learned my lesson)
This one is easy...because you gave your 11 year old "permission" to purchase points for his xbox and downloaded your debit card info..he assumed that he had permission to use your debit card for anything he wanted. Did you tell him it was for the ONE X-box game only? I know you don't want any backlash from any of us but an 11 year old is just not responsible enough or mature enough to understand the workings of a debit card...you left yourself wide open.
Punishment?? Not sure how severe it should be because you pretty much asked for this one. First, sit down with him and explain to him how a debit card works...he might not get it. Then take his beloved X-Box away from him for a time..your choice...and mean it. Tell him he has to GET OUTSIDE and get some fresh air..learn how to be a kid again, get some exercise and forget the X-Box for say 2 weeks. If you have any yardwork that needs doing, he does it..get him moving.
Good Luck and I am glad that you learned your lesson..just be sure you have a talk with your son about debit cards, how they work and make certain he does understand how harmful what he did was to you and how much worse it could have been.
My goodness, some of you folks are downright scary. So much animosity over a small lapse in judgment from a child. I'm wondering which of you will bring the pitchforks and torches!
Honestly, it's $125. True, that's a lot of money, especially these days when money is tight. He didn't rob Fort Knox or hold up the local liquor store. He's a child who made a bad decision. I'm guessing he didn't even "steal" (I think that's a bit of hyperbole) intentionally. He just acted on an urge (as do many adults). No need to crucify the poor kid.
Does he understand how debit cards work? If not, it may be time for an economics lesson. Does he have any idea of the family's finances? If not, it may be time to discuss them with him (in an age appropriate way, of course).
If he were my son, I'd sit him down to discuss the incident and I'd express my disappointment in his decision to download without permission. Additionally, I'd ask him to come up with a repayment plan (including dates). I'd make a date when we would review his plan and, if it met my approval, we'd implement it (and I'd hold him to it). We would also discuss the consequences of NOT meeting his plan (or making suitable arrangements to modify the plan if necessary).
And yes, I'm a parent. My son is a teenager and is very responsible in all ways, including financially.
This thread had me thinking last night. My oldest is within months of the same age as the OPs. He got a Nintendo DS (handheld game) for his 9th birthday. He keeps it in his room but asks permission to use it. Partly because he gets it taken away as punishment sometimes and I think he is not sure if he has it back yet, but partly because when my kids want to play a console video game (we have an old Game Cube and just got a Wii for Christmas for the living room) they have to get permission. So its habit for them to ask permission to use electronics.
We have an old tv and vcr that they are allowed to use on weekend mornings without asking, but any other time they have to check in first (so I can make sure homework, chores, etc. are done).
Am I seriously old-fashioned? The behavior described by the 10yo in the beginning of the thread sounds more like a 13 yr old to me.
Sorry for the mini-hijack.
I wish we had the same control over electronics as you when you our kids were young. No, I don't think you're old-fashioned. It looks like your kids are developing responsible habits, so I'd continue. As they get older, you should give them more decision making responsibilities.
So, what if he said, "Mom can I have $15 (in cash)" to which the mother replied, "I''l think about it" ? Then he proceeded to take the money from her wallet or another place where she kept her cash, would it be stealing then? The fact that it is a debit card and "virtual money" means nothing to me. Taking something without permission is stealling. "I'll think about it" does NOT mean go ahead and take it. At least that's what I was taught growing up.
Not the same.
Let's say he had been given a $100 bill by mom and used it to buy a game with mom's permission. At another store she lets him buy a CD that they both like.
She never asks for the change back for whatever reason.
Then when he buys another CD later and she finds out about it she gets upset, grounds him and insists he pay her back. A month later, he still has the change in hand, no payments arranged, no payments made he asks about another purchase and is told that she'll think about it.
He makes the poor judgment call of buying it anyway (perhaps she consistently says yes more than no after thinking about it?) since he has the means to do so. In his 10 yr old mind, he spent something he already had in his possession, not money he snuck out of mom's purse.
I stand by his making a bad decision, and not stealing.
Let's say he had been given a $100 bill by mom and used it to buy a game with mom's permission. At another store she lets him buy a CD that they both like.
She never asks for the change back for whatever reason.
Then when he buys another CD later and she finds out about it she gets upset, grounds him and insists he pay her back. A month later, he still has the change in hand, no payments arranged, no payments made he asks about another purchase and is told that she'll think about it.
He makes the poor judgment call of buying it anyway (perhaps she consistently says yes more than no after thinking about it?) since he has the means to do so. In his 10 yr old mind, he spent something he already had in his possession, not money he snuck out of mom's purse.
I stand by his making a bad decision, and not stealing.
You and I will have to agree to disagree. The original incident was not stealing, it was more like carelessness. He did steal the $15 dollars that the OP mentioned, in my opinion. He used her money without permission. He had been punished for spending the money, then immediately spends more. Give me a break. Let's not forget to mention that this is not a small child, he's either in Jr high or about to go to Jr High.
I do not exactly understand why the OP did not remove her info from the XBOX after the first incident, though. I would have.
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! There definitely needs to be a consequence for his action, I think mainly because he did it again after being told not to. But, yes, all kids will do wrong from time to time, and there is no reason to start looking for psychological reasons
! This is basically an oportunity to show a normal child that what he has done is not right and will not be tolerated. It's time to "pass the test"
!
! When I posted on it yesterday, six other people had already posted before I even finish mine
!!
